Chapter Thirty-eight: The Trenches
Usagi and Mamoru were supposed to tell each other everything. Not keep secrets. Not push each other away.
As she, Mamoru, Haruka, Makoto, and Sandy rode the taxi up the winding roads leading to Sand Mountain, Usagi replayed the incident in her mind's eye. Mamoru coughing blood in front of everyone. Everyone finding out alongside Usagi, even though Usagi should've been the first to know. He should've told her as soon as it started happening, but he'd thought that he could solve the problem before Usagi found out.
Now he was suffering the consequences; she wasn't speaking to him, either.
Hopefully, he felt the pain that he'd inflicted upon her.
No, she couldn't be vindictive, weaken their relationship. He may try to push her away, but she didn't have to retaliate. Had to speak with him privately. Mamoru must be mentally preparing himself for whatever emotions poured from Usagi. Especially since Usagi herself wasn't sure what wrath she'd unleash.
She'd tried to smile through the pain so that no one would worry about her, but the looks that her friends, especially Mamoru, were giving her said she wasn't doing a good job. As the sole Guardian powerful enough to defeat the Dead Moon Circus, she had to be strong. Yet another burden, added to being the Moon Princess, the one who'd reign over the Moon Kingdom should anything happen to Queen Serenity.
The flounder driving whipped the taxi around a spiral, shoving Usagi into Makoto beside her, Makoto knocking into Haruka, who bumped into Sandy, who hit Mamoru. The driver spun the wheel 360 degrees, and the taxi's wheels screeched as the vehicle turned up another road winding in the opposite direction of the one they had just ridden upon, swinging the group the opposite way. Usagi's cheeks and mouth squelched on the window, leaving a mark.
"No eating in the cab," the driver barked.
Sandy's brow creased. "Who's eatin'?"
"Blondie over there, eatin' against my window. Unsanitary and against the rules."
"Ah'm nawt eating," Usagi said, mouth pressed on the window. "Yaw're tawning too hawd."
The driver slammed the wheel the opposite way, Usagi's mouth popping off the window, she and her friends lurching. "What?"
"We don't have any food," Haruka said. "And no one's chewing." She muttered, "You need to get your eyes checked." At least she kept her rudeness somewhat quiet.
Usagi had to close her eyes, force a grin, and bear the taxi driver's awful driving. Thank goodness they were close to the mountain.
Sand Mountain towered above Bikini Bottom, the tip of it touching the sun. However, as the group approached, other, smaller mountains atop the main one appeared, as though the biggest one was a base camp for the others.
The Dead Moon Circus likely awaited the Guardians, Sandy, and Mamoru on the mountain. What kind of havoc were they wrecking in the meantime? Couldn't be much; Sailor Moon and Sailor Chibi-Moon's Moon Gorgeous Meditation must have knocked them unconscious for a while.
Not only did Usagi and her friends have to defeat the Dead Moon Circus, but Usagi and Mamoru had to mend their relationship. Working alongside each other wouldn't be pleasant while they were embroiled in emotional turmoil.
"Lots o' folks go to Sand Mountain durin' the winter, when it's too cold to go to Goo Lagoon." Sandy's eyes grew wistful. "Ah, I haven't been to Sand Mountain in so long. I love skiin' down the different slopes and racin' against Larry n' SpongeBob. But now we're goin' to work." She punched the palm of her hand. "Darn robots're takin' away all the fun places where you can relax."
Up and up they went, Usagi's ears popping. They rode between smaller mountains that resembled dunes.
A fish on skis tumbled down one of the mountains, falling on the taxi's windshield with a thunk. Another spun down, splatting beside him. The taxi driver turned on the windshield wipers, sliding the skiers off.
Haruka crossed her arms. "Does that happen often to you, sir?"
"Mm-hm. Gotta get `em off as soon as possible. Can't have their saliva gumming up my windshield."
Usagi gaped. This man cared more about his windshield than injured people?
"An expert windshield wiper, wiping everything off, including people and hurting them even more than they are from falling down a mountain." Haruka, saying things others were thinking but too afraid to say.
"Thankfully, folks down here don't get hurt real bad when they fall." Sandy shrugged. "Heck, all folks mostly do when they come up here is fall down, anyhow."
Usagi gazed out the window. Instead of skiing down the slopes, fish toppled, rolled, and bounced down the mountain. At least she wasn't the only person who lacked physical prowess.
Makoto's expression betrayed not a hint of excitement at skiing. Usagi didn't see her engage in athletic activities often. She was sometimes insecure about her height and natural athleticism. Maybe she didn't want to add fuel to the fire by skiing or playing baseball or exercising.
On the other hand, a grin spread on Haruka's face, her eyes dancing. Unlike Makoto, Haruka basked in her reputation as a tough, athletic racecar driver. She'd go skiing no matter what, even with Sandy the squirrel.
Haruka skiing alongside a squirrel… Quite a sight.
Usagi had better not even near the top of a mountain. With her clumsiness, she'd trip and plunge down. Since she wasn't made out of the iron that the sea creatures were, she'd get hurt. Badly.
Under normal circumstances, she'd stay far away from anything resembling something remotely athletic. She was allergic to balls. They were like bug spray, killing her if she touched them.
As long as Mamoru was at her side, she wasn't scared. He'd take her by her hand and guide her down the mountain, protecting her. He'd take the brunt of the hits.
She dared a glance. Stoic, as usual.
She might as well not try to figure him out.
Sandy's tail flicked. "Aw, man, I can't wait to get out on the slopes. I feel like I haven't let loose in a long time."
It had felt as though Usagi and her friends had been in Bikini Bottom for years, but less than two days had gone by since they'd arrived.
They passed several mounds of sand until stopping at the base of another slope, a sign supposed to be reading, "Welcome to Sand Mountain" at the entrance. Compliments of the robots, several letters had been rearranged. "Wel, Come to Sad Nount, Man" was written on the sign instead.
The Guardians, Mamoru, and Sandy slid out the taxi, the driver speeding up a mound and then, wheels screaming, tore down the mountain.
Haruka let out a breath. "I'm glad that ride from hell is over."
The group walked through the wooden gate. Smaller mountains walled the one through which the group walked. A Duplicatotron stood on one of the platforms, pumping out Fodders; Chomp-Bots; and Bomb-Bots, robots slightly smaller than Fodders that resembled bombs, a red light blinking atop each of them. Perhaps they exploded when one stepped too close to them.
A ski lodge was erect to their right, teepeed with toilet paper. Either the robots were the culprits, or kids had vandalized the lodge.
Based on the way two kids below ran in circles, trying to outrun the robots, likely not.
The boy and girl slipped and slid on a patch of ice. A sandman—a snowman but made from sand instead of snow—had been built on the ice. A Fodder wheeled atop the ice and then skidded every which way. It managed to control itself enough to reach the sandman.
"Don't you dare," the boy shouted.
The Fodder laughed, that mechanical noise rattling its head. It raised its electric wand, touched the sandman's belly, smoke rising from the sand.
"You'll destroy him."
Cackling, the robot plucked a chocolate chip cookie that had been embedded on the sandman's torso, serving as one of the sandman's buttons. The Fodder swiped the cookie into its jutted-out mouth. Crunched the cookie and then froze, grasping at its throat. It howled a cross between a laugh and a holler, like it was trying to laugh at its own agony, its stupidity of trying to eat food. Electricity crackled around the robot, and it exploded, pieces of the cookie mixing with its remnants.
Haruka whistled. "Damn. I need an attack like that. Haruka, Guardian of Cookies." She ruffled her own hair. "My hair is kind of the color of a chocolate chip cookie. I think it fits."
Makoto chuckled nervously, forcefully. Trying hard.
The kids laughed. The boy yelled said, "See? Toldja ya shouldn't have touched my sandman."
Another Fodder zapped the boy's behind, and the boy shot into the air, morphing his laugh into a scream, smoke billowing from his behind.
"Augh, that's why I can't enjoy some exercise. These blasted robots beating everyone up."
Usagi looked toward the nasally voice. Squidward stood to the group's right. When had he joined them?
Squidward massaged his forehead. "This is the absolute worst. I go down the mountain, and SpongeBob and Patrick, those two barnacle heads, they're waiting down there to annoy the daylights out of me, and those robots are down there too. Now those robots have made it all the way up here, so I can't avoid them. No peace and quiet anywhere." He rumbled a half-growl, half-whine.
"Tuxedo La Smoking Bomber!" The white beam burst from Mamoru's hand, piercing the remaining Fodder whose wand had been raised, stopping its approaching the girl. The robot burst. The beam kept going, striking and destroying the Duplicatotron.
Usagi bit her tongue, suppressing an accusation that Mamoru was quick to attack and protect, telling him that he should've quickly told Usagi about his coughing fits.
Haruka took to the air, toward the flailing, butt-charred boy. She caught the boy in her arms, but he shrieked into her ear. Haruka pulled her head back.
"Hey, hey, I'm a friend."
The boy screamed louder. Wincing, Haruka landed, placing the boy near his friend. The boy kept screaming, head darting every which way. Had the electricity messed with his brain and orientation?
Squidward plugged fingers into his ears. "Since there wasn't enough noise... I thought SpongeBob and Patrick were awful."
The girl snatched another chocolate chip cookie off the sandman, stuffed it into the boy's mouth, stopping his scream. The boy's eyes shot open, unblinking, and his pupils dilated. He chewed slowly. Gulped.
"Delicious," he said, deadpan.
Squidward parted his eyes. "Is it safe now?"
Makoto nodded. Squidward unplugged his ears (his ears weren't visible but on the sides of his head; Usagi couldn't fathom these creatures' anatomies).
He sighed. "Oh, more humans. Some humans have been treating me well, and some haven't."
Usagi tried to smile. "Um, well…" Was he referring to her accidentally hurting him in Jellyfish Fields? She'd rectified the mistake by retrieving King Jellyfish's jelly. Wasn't all forgiven?
"Anyhow, I could use your help."
Haruka scowled. "What, no thanks before you spout off another request?"
Squidward snapped his head at her, like he was surprised to hear her speak in such a manner to him. "I suppose that's reasonable. Thank you for saving me from those robots." He shuddered, looked over his turquoise skin. "I'm too delicate to be zapped by anything else. My beautiful, soft, smooth, glowing skin radiating with the sunrays, ruined, covered by burns thanks to those robots… Yuck." His eyebrows arched. "If only I could get away from these horrible robots." He placed an arm over his forehead. "Alas, there's no way to escape them."
Makoto raised a finger. "We could clear out the robots. That's what we're here for."
"I'm glad you volunteered."
Haruka coughed.
"If you destroy every robot, I'll give you a Golden Spatula as a reward."
Whatever the Golden Spatulas were for, collecting them didn't hurt. They must have some value.
Haruka cupped her chin. "I dunno. That's cheap for fighting all these robots in this huge place."
Squidward stuck up his giant nose. "Well, too bad. That's my price, and I'm sticking to it."
She turned toward the entrance. "In that case, have fun getting zapped on the butt while trying to ski. Oh, and while you're at it, we might bring SpongeBob and Patrick. They'd be happy to come spend time with you. Maybe massage your zapped butt." Had known Squidward for fewer than five minutes but had his number.
He recoiled. "Okay, okay. For each slope you clear, I'll give you a Golden Spatula. How does that sound?"
"Much better."
Squidward deflated. "Thank goodness. Even you humans are insane. At least Sandy's sane."
Sandy placed a paw on the back of her helmet. "Aw, thanks, I guess." Three lodges stood ahead. She pointed to one of the lodges with the number one above its door. "As y'all can see, there are three lodges—three mountains for folks to ski down. One of `em's called Guppy Mound. It's the easiest slope, so I suggest we start there, especially since them goshforsaken robots are prob'ly prowlin' around over there."
Usagi put up her hands. "Oh, no, I don't ski, I've never skied, and I'm not going to start today." Not when there were a bunch of robots waiting to electrocute her, throw ham at her and knock her off the slopes, and huff rancid breath into her face. Perhaps when she and Mamoru were alone on the mountain, he could wrap his arms around her waist and guide her down, whispering in her ear how to—
"Usa?" Mamoru's voice cracked. Shy. The first word he had spoken to her since leaving the treedome, and her name was the best he could do?
A blush bloomed on her cheeks. "What?"
"You went silent for a while. Uh…" He scratched the side of his head. This was the first time he had spoken directly to her since, in the treedome, he'd asked her what she'd seen, even though everyone knew that she hadn't been concerned with what was happening outside. Had he been trying to make her look like a bigger fool?
Or he was trying to take her embarrassment away. Not in an intelligent way, but at least he was trying.
"Yes, I'm okay. Just thinking." Thinking about what she and Mamoru could be having.
Everyone stared at her. Good going, drawing more attention to herself.
"Anyhow, we should go," Usagi said, half-laughing, half-speaking. "I, I mean, we shouldn't stall any more." She ran toward Guppy Mound. Mercifully, without another word, her teammates followed.
The group waited at the base of the mound for the ski lift. The alleged mound was a mountain that towered above the group. The wind was knocked out of Usagi. No way was she going down that "mound."
"This is supposed to be the easiest one?" Usagi said, nearly breathless.
"Sure is," Sandy said. "I know it don't look like much."
"Don't look like much…"
Sandy played extreme sports almost for a living, but this "mound" must look intimidating to the most experienced skiers. Usagi's clumsiness forbade her from doing any physical activity other than walking.
The ski lift descended. The group clambered on and sat, squished. The lift began to ascend.
Time stretched. The farther they went, the farther the "mound" swelled, unending.
The group neared the top of Guppy Mound. Usagi's eyes bulged. The slope was broken into several paths, some crisscrossing over one another. If one fell off the slope, then there were no safety nets. Whoever fell would die. Good realization.
Ami said that the way people reacted to danger, fighting or fleeing, was innate. When protecting her friends and fighting her enemies, Usagi fought. When it came to things like skiing down gargantuan mountains, Usagi flew. How could anyone think skiing down this death trap was fun?
Mechanical cackling from above. Monsoons and Chucks hovered above, the Chucks throwing Fodders, Chomp-Bots, and Bomb-Bots toward the group.
The Bomb-Bots exploded upon impact, hurling the group off the ski lift. Smoke and redness blinded Usagi, heat ripping her skin. She rocketed through the air, crashed on the slope, and rolled. From far away came Mamoru's voice calling her name, Mrs. Puff's yell of, "Pushed again!"
Usagi had avoided skiing only to roll down the slopes instead.
Because her humiliation with Mamoru wasn't enough, she, the Moon Princess, had been reduced to the main character in a slapstick comedy.