Chapter Fifty-nine: Fugazi
Since arriving in Bikini Bottom, Rei hadn't been left without her friends, not counting when Tiger's Eye had tried to manipulate her dreams. Now, she and PallaPalla fought, none of her friends around for support.
First, Setsuna had gone after Haruka and Patrick, who had fallen into the nightmare-inducing sludge. Next, a Slick captured Hotaru, whisked her to one of the ships in the sky. All the while, the Flying Dutchman looked on, crossing his arms, assessing the Guardians' prowess.
He couldn't be impressed.
Figuring that Setsuna was powerful enough to save Haruka and Patrick, Rei had tried, and failed, to rescue Hotaru. The oldest Guardian hadn't returned. Must've been put under the sludge's spell.
Rei tried to pierce PallaPalla's chest with an enflamed arrow, but the Dead Moon Circus member flitted about as quickly as a butterfly.
"You killed Tiger's Eye." PallaPalla leaped, reaching Rei in the span of a second. Pelted a white orb into Rei's forehead, snapping her neck backward, stars spinning in her vision.
Super Sailor Mars should not be struggling.
Rei didn't have time to deal with PallaPalla. "Can't you help me?" she shouted at the Flying Dutchman.
A bolt of lightning struck Rei, and the world flashed. "How dare you order around the Flyin' Dutchman?" Why had he summoned the lightning when he saw that Rei was fighting her grief- and anger-fueled enemy?
Rei was on her own. How she wanted to strike the ghost with a flaming arrow to shut him up and make him help her.
Instead, she focused on PallaPalla. The Flying Dutchman wouldn't do anything but electrocute her when his feelings were hurt. Child.
Gravity took effect, and PallaPalla began to fall, but not without unleashing hundreds of Lemures.
Rei aimed her hands toward the Lemures. She may be on her own, but she would not be defeated.
Setsuna gurgled. A physics scientist who had published several articles in top academic journals had been reduced to gurgling in sludge.
She dreamed of floating in the international space station, in zero gravity, a Frenchman and British woman and Americans floating alongside her. Space, curiosity, science brought cultures together, made nations set aside their differences for the common purpose of discovering more about the world.
Setsuna spoke with the renowned scientists about general relativity, cosmic inflation, the quantum theory, other theories so complex that she couldn't explain them in layman's terms. Didn't dare mention her time guarding the Space-Time Door. All scientists had a bit of insanity brewing within them, but these scientists would think that she was off her hinges.
"I think that theory could be true," Setsuna told the Frenchman, "if I hadn't been to Bikini Bottom." Her heart hitched. Hadn't meant to let anything slip about Bikini Bottom.
The Frenchman's brow creased. "What is this 'Bikini Bottom'?"
Other scientists looked at her, thinking of Bikini Bottom as a new discovery, primed for study. Perhaps the best-case scenario was Setsuna losing her reputation (she had nearly an eternity to rebuild it) so that humans wouldn't disturb her friends' home. Her scientist's mind bore a desire to take apart Bikini Bottom, but she wouldn't for the citizens' sakes. Besides, the robots were destroying it enough, without Setsuna's curiosity wrecking further havoc.
Setsuna's head blanked. A rarity for her. Even though she was quiet, she was always thinking. Often saw no need to voice her opinion because people didn't care, and she wouldn't get closer to finding solutions and answers.
More people were staring.
"It's a…fictional place I created," Setsuna forced out, to say something, anything. "A place where physics are defied on a regular basis. Hypothetically, of course. And I'm trying to figure out why physics can be defied in this imaginary world."
Everyone stared, the silence deafening, declaring that Setsuna was crazy without anyone saying so. The scientists were too polite to call her crazy.
"You're crazy," the Frenchman said. Setsuna stood corrected. "Why would you conjure up some place in your head that doesn't and will never exist?"
No good explanation for that one.
"Because there is a place like that out there." Lightning struck, and a green haze filled the space station. No one screamed, but everyone faced the lightning. Unafraid.
The Flying Dutchman appeared in a flash of lightning. Wasn't he supposed to be in the Graveyard? He didn't seem the type to help humans unless he could scare or use them for some self-serving purpose.
Everyone gawked.
Worms slithered out of the Flying Dutchman's eyes, leaving a trail of saliva. Spiders crawled out of his mouth while maggots scrabbled out of his ears.
Everyone kept gawking. Either everyone's not screaming should've been Setsuna's first indication that she was dreaming and should escape, or the physicists couldn't wrap their scientific minds around a supernatural being floating in front of them.
The Flying Dutchman whipped out eyeballs from his pockets and popped them into his eye sockets. "How dare you not become afraid of the Flyin' Dutchman? I pulled out almost all the stops for you." He flexed his hands. "I could pull out a few more."
"Why don't you show them the place where Haruka and Patrick are?" Setsuna said. "They'll definitely become scared then."
The Dutchman's eyes brightened. "Ah, good idea. You humans do have some sense in ye." Lightning struck beside him, leaving a zipper, like a fly that was on a pair of pants. He zipped open the fly and reached for the group.
"Dead Scream!" The beam sliced off the Dutchman's hand. The Dutchman hollered, grabbing his wrist, the hand floating, green goo—the Dutchman's blood?—spurting behind it. Setsuna flew through the opening and zipped it shut behind her.
Plates of spaghetti and meatballs; blue miniature cyclops, and rabbits fell, the red and blue and green air, the color of vomit, swirling about. Bile rose in Setsuna's throat. The sight of vomit-like substances made her want to vomit.
The creatures quickened, being sucked inside a black hole. Setsuna's pupils contracted. Black holes did not bode well in space. How much worse would they be in the Flying Dutchman's alternate dimension?
Setsuna flew in the opposite direction, only for a marinara sauce-covered plate to slam onto her face, propelling her toward the black hole. The hole's gravitational pull slurped her inside.
Below, a horse neighed and then slammed into her backside, flipping her into the air. The world spun in a red and green blur.
"George, you hit something."
"All's I do is go in the direction you tell me. So you hit something, not me."
The talking horse had darn near broken Setsuna's back, and he and his master were arguing for their own egos' sake. Thank goodness waiting at the Space-Time Door for what seemed like eons bore patience. She'd watched humans behave more badly.
"Hey, little George, stop for a sec."
The horse whinnied and whined, practically screaming like a human. He spoke like a human. Of course he would scream like one, too.
"I told you, I'm not little. I'm a full-grown horse, for goodness' sake. How many times I gotta tell you, old n' crusty monkey man?"
A slap reverberated, and the horse's scream grew into a holler, one that threatened to shatter Setsuna's eardrums. "What'd I tell you about callin' me a monkey?"
The world stopped spinning, and Setsuna stilled. Before her hovered a monkey saddling a horse that was half his size.
There were so many things to be said that she didn't know what to start with.
The horse's eyes softened at Setsuna. "Ooh, pretty lady."
"Don't just float there. Let me take a gander at her."
"After you busted my behind? I don't think—"
The monkey slapped George's rump, and the horse yowled louder. Something snapped in Setsuna's ears. Hopefully, whatever happened in this…dimension didn't carry to hers.
George turned around, letting the monkey gaze upon Setsuna's alleged beauty. The monkey's eyes bulged, and a grin grew upon his face. His cheeks reddened.
"Gosh, she's prettier than you said she was, George. Your words ain't do her justice at all." He pointed at Setsuna. "To her, George."
George flapped his wings and flew toward Setsuna. Resisting the urge to fly in the opposite direction, she floated in place. If needed, she'd defend herself. The monkey man and his steed could have information about where Haruka and Patrick had wound up.
The monkey man outstretched his arm, like he was going to grab her. Setsuna's stomach roiled at the thought of being hugged by a monkey.
The monkey whipped his arm around her, stealing her breath. "You shall be my queen, my lady. You should be honored to be the queen of the ninth dimension."
The ninth dimension that was opened using tapioca?
Had Patrick and Haruka really opened the ninth dimension with tapioca? Where had they gotten the tapioca from?
Shook her head of the runaway thoughts that came with having a curious mind. Had to focus on using her supposed beauty to find her friends.
"My lord, I'm deeply appreciative of you bringing me with you." As they flew, Setsuna took in the two red suns that, hopefully, weren't on the verge of exploding; the dome-shaped buildings; the hunched-over fish walking on brick roads. The three flew above it all, like they ruled over this dimension.
The monkey man must. Not only did he ride a flying horse that looked more like a cow, but he had also taken her captive, as his queen.
Setsuna had never dated thanks to her charge of guarding the Space-Time Door. She had jumped to never having a boyfriend to being married to a monkey.
"I'm deeply appreciative of you coming with me." The monkey rubbed her arm, his coarse fur grating against her shoulder.
"Not like she had a choice."
Another slap reverberated throughout the land. George shrieked. Blood filled Setsuna's eardrums. Below, fish kept walking, staring at the red dirt. Not even a slap could rouse them from their self-pitying stupors. Perhaps they had grown used to the monkey man spanking his steed.
Perhaps they had grown used to the monkey man being violent.
If he abused his steed, then he must abuse his people.
George scrambled in the air, wheeling his legs, and then regained his balance. Kept flying, eyes watering. Said nothing more.
"I already have the perfect servant for you, my queen," the monkey man said.
"Who, if you don't mind me asking, my lord?"
"He's prone to complaining, but he's a trustworthy, loyal servant. On our way here, he told me that he's been working the same job for over a decade, as a lowly cashier at a fast-food restaurant."
Squidward, a servant? Setsuna hadn't spent much time with the octopus but, from what she'd heard, he wouldn't be open to being anyone's servant. If anything, he'd want others to serve him.
The curious and partly mischievous part of Setsuna wondered how Squidward would handle serving her. Thankfully, her logical side chided her about thinking of exploiting Squidward's servanthood.
"I've taken to calling him, 'Nosy,'" the monkey man said, the three passing over red whirls in the sky. "The reason will be obvious to you once you see him, my lady."
Playing dumb might also work to her advantage. "Does he always meddle in others' business, my lord?"
" 'My lord…'" The monkey man shuddered. "Wonderful nickname. Hey, George, you should declare me as your lord."
The horse worked his mouth. Desperate to retort but didn't want to be slapped. Could see the war raging in his head, by the drawn brow, the pinched face, the chewing on his tongue. "Y-yes…my lord." He muttered, "Insufferable animal."
A tower appeared in the distance, hazy in the sun-bleached sky.
"My lord," Setsuna said, "what about these two suns? Surely, you realize that I'm not from around here but from the…third dimension." Dimensions were complicated, but she wouldn't pound her head trying to figure out which dimension she lived in. "My dimension holds only one sun. And our sun is yellow."
"They're red because red is my favorite color, and I like to bask in its redness. Brings out my pores, y'know?"
Setsuna didn't know what to say, so she stayed silent. Silence quelled most conflicts. At least the suns weren't going to explode. Hopefully.
The monkey man might be wrong about the two suns. Setsuna was a scientist. A sliver of reality must exist in the ninth dimension.
Setsuna did not want to find out the hard way whether the two suns would explode.
George worked his mouth once more. He must wish he could say anything without risking a slap on the rump.
"We have two because there isn't enough light in one. How can you see in the third dimension with only one sun?"
Night vision. Instead, Setsuna said, "We barely manage, my lord, but we make it."
"Ah, then I should go to the third dimension and enlighten you. Literally, with these suns, and figuratively, by showing you the rulership of a great ruler, myself."
"What do you mean by 'literally'? I apologize, my lord, but I am deeply ignorant and must be constantly enlightened."
"I see that, my queen. It's quite endearing. Surely, your friends in the third dimension are just as charming. Anyhow, I plan to fly into space and take another sun from another planet and bring it to yours, using my trusty steed, George, here."
"Me, fly in space?" George's mouth was running away from him again. "I can't fly all the way out there. I won't be able to breathe. I'll die. We'll die."
The monkey man spread his arms. "You may die, but I am the almighty." George wobbled in the air with the redistribution of the monkey man's weight. "I can breathe in space. So I can make anyone breathe in space."
"You've never breathed in space. You've never been to space."
"Quiet. I will when we get there."
"By then, it'll be too late."
"Shut it, you unbelieving fool."
The tower grew closer. The haze began to clear. Vines snaked through the windows, and branches protruded from the walls. Bunched leaves crowned the top. The tower resembled a tree. Must remind the monkey man of the jungle.
George flapped his wings faster. Anxious to reach the castle and end his torture.
The three flew inside one of the windows, into a hallway with green, vine-covered walls and floors, stone peeking between the vines.
George landed. The monkey man jumped off, set Setsuna on the floor. Even though Setsuna was one of the tallest Guardians, second only to Haruka, the monkey man stood two heads above her. His black fur glinted in the red light from the suns and the chandeliers. He grinned, his crooked fangs an array of colors.
"Let me take you to your servant."
"A servant's s'posed to come to you, boss," George said.
The monkey man slowly turned to look at George, slowly raising his eyebrow. Stared at George for several stretching seconds. George gulped.
"You're right."
George let out a breath. So did Setsuna. Hadn't realized how nervous she had been, for both George and her eardrums.
The monkey man pulled out a boulder-sized stone from his fur. He dropped the rock, and the castle rumbled.
Wind whistled throughout the castle. Setsuna took in the empty monkey fur lining the walls of the hallway like suits of armor; the daddy longlegs scrawling up the vines, George's tongue whipping out and scooping one up, looping back inside his mouth. A horse with a frog's tongue.
"I said…" The monkey man picked up and then dropped the rock once more.
The wind picked up, like someone was screeching in the castle's stain-glass windows.
"Excuse me." The monkey man walked down the hallway, taking wide steps.
Setsuna couldn't let him destroy Squidward. She flew after the monkey man. "Hold on. What if he's in the bathroom?" A childish excuse, but the only one Setsuna could think of.
"He can pull up his pants like the rest of us. Heck, the guy doesn't wear pants. He should get over here faster than a guy who does."
Setsuna racked her brain, searching through the filing cabinets of excuses she'd heard over centuries, anything from overchurned butter spilling all over, to the cattle escaping from the pen and stampeding down the hallway, colliding with a Model T.
As crazy as the monkey man was, he was smart. He couldn't be persuaded with excuses. If Setsuna defended Squidward too much, then he'd know that she was on the octopus' side, sought to overthrow him instead of being his subservient queen.
Reaching the door at the other end of the hallway, the monkey man grabbed the handle and tore off the door. Stomped inside the bedroom with chipped wooden walls and a concrete bed. Although the rest of the castle seemed plush and lavish, the monkey man didn't care about his servants' comfort.
Setsuna close behind, the monkey man stomped toward the bathroom, also rustic, with its shower hose hanging by one red wire, the tub built of splintered wood. Squidward lay inside it, his tentacles stretched around the splinters, a wooden scrub touching the top of his back.
The monkey man snarled. "I know you heard me."
Squidward hollered, and he jumped out of the tub, a ring of bubbles mercifully surrounding his privates. Ignoring the gaudy, bright orange suit with its purple bowtie hanging on the towel rack, he rushed toward the door. Glanced at Setsuna, his features melting into relief. He hurried behind her. "Finally, a reason for me to be glad to see one of you." He jabbed a finger at the monkey man. "Protect me from this, this fiend. He's done horrible things to me, like make me wear that." He pointed to the suit.
The monkey man deflated. "I thought orange and purple brought out your eyes." He seemed genuinely hurt that Squidward didn't share his taste in clothing.
"Well, they don't. Those colors make me look pasty."
"They take attention away from your big ol' nose."
Squidward stroked his nose. "I'll have you know that my nose is a delicate piece of art, crafted by the wise Neptune himself. Makes me look more striking. Any piece of art would be complete with a nose like this."
"No one in their right mind would stick a giant nose on anything. You have more than enough nose to go around. You should give half of it to that starfish that doesn't have a nose."
Patrick and Haruka had encountered the monkey man. Were they serving him, too?
Haruka couldn't. She would sooner wear a tutu than be a servant.
Squidward cupped his nose. "What a terrible thing to consider."
The monkey man smirked, despite his looking so much like a monkey that he shouldn't have been able to pull his lips into a smile. "I found your punishment for ignoring me."
"Oh, pu-leeze. My bodyguard will keep me safe."
"My queen obeys my every whim. Soon, she'll bear little monkey children for me."
The color drained from Setsuna. An image popped in her mind of miniature monkeys running around the castle, some with her long, green hair.
"What's wrong, my servantly queen? Are we thinking of bearing heirs too quickly?"
"Y-yes." 'Never' would be a more appropriate time. "Actually, I'd rather punish him myself. I have several demanding requests to make of him."
"Two great minds. I knew I picked the right queen." He turned toward the door. "I'll leave you to it. If he's still standing after you're through, I'll finish him off." He stomped through the doorway, clicking the door back on its hinges, like he tore off doors every day.
Squidward sunk onto the floor. "Thank goodness he's gone. Even this tacky floor feels good to sit on." He scowled. "What took you so long?"
"I'm glad you're okay, Squidward." Setsuna wouldn't let him steal her calmness. Besides, he'd been in a stressful situation. "What happened to the others?"
"Patrick and Haruka were too busy being nincompoops to save me. In other words, I have no idea where they are, nor do I care."
Setsuna suppressed a sigh. "We should go find them. I'm not sure about staying here to defeat this monkey man. I don't think I can defeat him by myself."
"I can hide, and you can have a go at him. I'd rather not dirty myself in your filthy fight."
Setsuna regarded Squidward, in his gaudy clothes. His selfishness knew no bounds. "I can carry you as I fly."
"Good. Prancing around on this floor has got me feeling disgusting. These guys must've never heard of floor wax."
The floor ruptured from behind, a crack fizzling through, toward Setsuna and Squidward. Grabbing Squidward, Setsuna took to the air just as the floor cracked in half, revealing screeching meatballs with mouths.
Breathing boomed behind her. She looked. The monkey man crouched, fist on the floor. Must've punched the floor to get their attention. He frothed at the mouth, and his eyes burned red.
"Going somewhere?"
Setsuna aimed her Garnet Rod at the monkey man. "We have no intentions of staying."
"I have intentions of keeping you here." The monkey man snapped off a spear of wood from the floor. He hurled it toward the two. Squidward ducked under his arms.
Setsuna swung her Garnet Rod, batting the spear back. The monkey man opened his mouth and chomped the spear in half, its other half falling into the split ground, through the meatball, stopping its cry. A sad demise. Until the meatball grew a hand and pulled the spear out of its mouth.
Setsuna no longer knew what to think.
Grabbing the sides of the door, the monkey man slung himself into Setsuna and Squidward. Lights flashed, and sirens sounded. Colliding with a monkey that weighed an unfathomable amount of weight would almost smash her body into disrepair.
Squidward had fallen ominously silent.
The three crashed through the wall, out of the bathroom, and the tub's water poured out, falling onto the ground, fish peering up, some continuing to walk like they were strolling through the park. Must be a common sight, for their ruler to crash through his castle's bathroom, entangled in an octopus and a human.
Since coming to Bikini Bottom, Setsuna had learned much. One: Things didn't make sense. Two: Setsuna had been stuck in her ways, trying to figure out what was happening. Perhaps she should be like Ami, accepting Bikini Bottom instead of trying to decipher it. Perhaps she needed to lean into Bikini Bottom, working with it instead of letting the world chew her up and spit her out every chance it got.
She might not understand Bikini Bottom, but she had learned enough to twist it to her advantage.
Here she was, about to act in ways that she would've never expected.
She readied herself. She hoped her brain was ready for the cluster she was about to wreck upon it.