Snippet Star 37
The Oracle of Jade 2
Genre: Humor/Meta
Pairs: Not important
Parody: Steven Universe Future (Various minor crossovers?)
AU-Type: Canon-esque (With changes)
Tags: React fic, Most of the Events of SUF are ignored, Steven's Stable, Jasper has a new purpose, Minor Character Overhaul, Spinel stays on Earth
[Note: When I say retcons, I'm basically only acknowledging the first episode. Steven, however, doesn't find Jasper when he looks for her (why will be explained). I'm also retconning Shep out of this because Shep…is a pointless addition, but I am keeping Lars and Sadie apart. Also shooting down Steven's teen angst, because it was mostly pointless. Steven's Pink super form was also discovered and tamed during the timeskip. Lastly, Spinel opts to stay on Earth, but not with the CGs. She's a bit upset that Steven tried to shove her off to the Diamonds.]
-Diamonds for Hire: Paperboy-
Abdul smirked at this one before clearing his throat addressing the crowd.
"A bit of context needed for this one. In this reality, things are quite different. Pink Diamond simply fled to Earth with her court, several off-color gems, and a few stragglers from other courts." Abdul remarked. "And it was good timing, years after…a great disaster brought an end of Homeworld and the Diamond Authority. Thus, our three Diamonds are on Earth…and well slumming it."
"Ha!" Bismuth said getting a big bucket of popcorn. "This is going to be rich!"
The screen came to life.
Blue Diamond groaned as she walked into the crappy apartment she shared with Yellow and White. White was exactly like Blue left her, on the couch. The only good thing about that apartment was the couch.
"Much be a step down from that throne." Fuchsia snarked.
"Man, everything in that apartment just looks rundown." Amethyst said slurping her soda.
"I can, they are on Earth, where they don't exactly have job skills…or a work ethic." Garnet said.
"What's a work ethic?" Blue Diamond asked.
"Exactly." Pearl said shaking her head.
Yellow came out of the bedroom joining Blue on the couch.
"So, how did it go?" Yellow asked.
"I don't want to talk about it." Blue said with her hands on her face as the front door was opened.
In stepped their landlord, Yellow Pearl, who adopted the name Juniper Chen, looking after unhappy to see them.
"Rent's due, losers. C'mon and pay up." Juniper said glaring at them.
That got a laugh out of those who disliked the Diamonds, leaving Steven to explain the content to the clueless Diamonds. White could only sulk, Yellow looked furious, and Blue was all pouty.
"Pearl, you do-"
"Juniper. My name is Juniper." Juniper said before clearing her throat. "Now the rent?"
"We're a bit short on it, but you know we're good for it, though, right?" Blue said with a reassuring smile.
"Please tell me, they're going to be put on the street." Pearl asked giddy.
"I know they're not good people, but I can't help but feel bad…" Steven said.
"That's because you're an apologist." Spinel said in disgust.
"And I doubt they are going to keep living there saying that." Buck said shaking his head in disbelief.
Pearl held her own face is disbelief citing that the three were completely broke before looking at where the television was supposed to be.
"You're watching an old Shaquille O'Neal poster….you're watching a poster!" Juniper sputtered.
"Fuck off! We love that poster!" White snapped.
"Ok, I'll gave White a point for that line delivery." Connie said chuckling.
"Hey, don't get all pissy with me, cause I'm the one who saved my money, and didn't blow it on coke and Blockbuster stock." Juniper said adjusting her tie.
"But you gave us that stock!" White whined.
Those who knew about Blockbuster immediately realized exactly what Juniper did and silently snickered to themselves.
"Th—that's it. Let's not get into all the details about who purposely screwed who out of all their money. The good news is I might be able to hook you up with a couple of jobs to help you get by." Juniper said as the three Diamonds looked hopeful springing off the couch.
"What can you get us? Position of power? Broadway? I don't give a shit. I'll do whatever." White said desperately.
Juniper could only smirk as the next scene showed a newspaper on screen with a picture of the depressed Diamonds.
'Washed Up Dictators Now Delivering Papers'
Bismuth let out a deep guttural laugh followed with most of the Crystal Gems doing it. Peridot got her tablet on record.
"They're going to bungle this so hard, aren't they?" Jenny asked.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're going to fuck it up." Kevin said dryly before shoving a donut down.
[Cues: Paperboy NES Theme]
On the streets, the Diamonds were pedaling down the road on bicycles in more casual wear then their usual wear.
"Ugh, this is bullshit! We're delivering papers! This is work for the Pearls!" Yellow seethed as Blue threw a newspaper which landed on the front porch.
"Just shut up and toss the papers. I want to get paid for this." White said flinging paper after paper.
The day was a scorcher as they all skidded to a stop wiping away the sweat. White pulled out her guzzling out her one vice, alcoholic drinks.
"So, White's an alcoholic? I mean that makes sense…" Pearl said.
"Can I get a taste of she's having?" White Diamond said as a bottle of vodka materialized in her hands.
She popped the cap and guzzled it in falling in love with the taste.
SPLASH! A speeding car hit a puddle soaking the three Diamonds in hot muggy street water. Said car peeled into a nearby yard and driver got out.
"I'm in this one, why I'm honored." Kevin said getting a high five from Bismuth and Amethyst.
"Don't praise him for being a jerk." Steven stated puffing his cheeks.
"I'll take those words seriously…but you also forgave the Diamonds so…bullshit." Spinel scoffed.
Kevin got out feeling all but good with his life only to be confronted by three soaked women with one holding the newspaper.
"Your paper." Blue said as Kevin had a scowl.
"It's wet." Kevin said smacking it out of her. "Do you expect me to keep my subscription when you deliver a soggy mess?"
"But you covered us in wa-"
"Not my problem." Kevin said walking into his house and slamming the door on them.
Yellow Diamond's eye twitch as she walked to her bike before throwing it through Kevin's window!
"Oh shit!" Sour Cream remarked.
"He had it coming." Yellow Diamond said applauding her other.
Yellow Diamond walked up seeing her bike knocked out Kevin and she got an evil grin. It cuts back to the apartment where the three Diamonds were fixing up the place a bit. There was now a television and a few other decorations to make the place look less shitty. Juniper arrived to see fast food on the table…the good kind and not the dollar menu swill.
"When the fuck can you afford that?" Juniper asked. "Paper route wouldn't even pay only half of that…and where the hell did you…"
"Don't question, just take the money." Blue Diamond stated paying Juniper. "We'll be waiting for the next job you have for us."
Juniper looked at the money, shrugged, and snagged one of the burgers before leaving.
"Bitch took my double bacon cheese!" White snarled.
"Juniper has to be my favorite in this. She's so sassy." Amethyst said as Kevin sputtered about.
"These bitches robbed me!" Kevin snapped.
"You kinda deserved it." Jenny responded.
It had not helped that his 'other' was a bit of a tool to them for something he did to them.
"Well, at least we can sit and watch t-" The sounds of police siren interrupted that statement.
"Oh fuck, hide the television!" White Diamond said in a panic. "Make it look like we're watching the poster!"
The ending jingle played with a shot of the three depressed Diamonds with 'Diamonds for Hire' under it.
"What did you think?" Abdul asked.
"Pretty good all around. I actually want to see what Pink's doing in that universe. Or even myself?" Greg said with a mirthful grin.
"It was crass…but I did have fun." Priyanka said sipping her water. "Though, do you have anything less crass?"
Abdul gave her an eye roll wondering what to show them next.
(A/N: Next time, on the Oracle of Jade…that will be a surprise!)