'Healing the Moon'
RenjixByakuya
I OWN NOTHING!
Warning: implication of past rape.
Chapter 3: Byakuya's Truth
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Previously, on 'Healing the Moon':
((Trying to compose himself, the Squad 6 Captain left orders for his Third-Seat and followed the faint path of distraught riatsu as quickly as he could. He had to make this right!))
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As soon as he'd left the Squad 6 building, Renji had started flash-stepping as if a hollow was on his ass. He didn't stop until he reached his private quarters, which he had customized with things he liked from the World of the Living.
He threw himself inside, slamming and locking his front door. He realized how badly he was shaking, and he sank to the floor as tears came to his eyes. He didn't understand what had happened in the office, but knew it was his fault. Fuck! Why couldn't he have just kept his stupid spiritual pressure under control?! He muttered to the empty room. "Nice work. You just ruined everything."
With a sigh, he pushed himself up off of the floor and headed to the bathroom, where he'd had a shower installed.
He stripped and stepped under the stinging spray. After a few moments of letting the spray disguise his shameful tears of loss, he lathered up with the cherry blossom-scented products that he'd stockpiled on his last excursion to the Living World. The scent reminded him of his captain, though they did no justice to the actual aroma of the Kuchiki heir. Renji had gotten close enough to smell him a few times, and these products paled in comparison. He felt his chest tighten at the realization; after what had happened in the office, he probably wouldn't even get to see his perfect moon anymore, much less get to smell him. His superior surely hated him now because of what had been in his riatsu- a street rat having a crush on a noble. What a dumb-ass monkey he was, chasing the moon that didn't even care about the monkey's existence.
As Renji finished rinsing off, a sound caught his attention. With a frown, he turned the shower off and listened intently. A soft knock echoed from the direction of his front door.
What the hell?
It was a workday, none of his friends would be here right now.
Renji grit his teeth as he grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his hips. He strode for his front door, intending to tell whoever was out there that he was in no fuckin' mood for company.
The soft knocking came again, and he growled loudly as he reached his front door. "Yeah, yeah, keep your panties on. I'm comin'."
~X~X~X~X~
Byakuya was almost shaking with apprehension. What on earth had he been thinking? He'd come, unannounced and uninvited, to the Rukon Dog's home! He must have lost his sense somewhere on the way here.
At his last knock, he heard the aggressive reply, and he lowered his hand, trying to ignore the odd shiver that ran up his spine at the sound of the deep, rough voice.
He shouldn't be here, he should turn and leave... just then, the door swung open, and Byakuya found himself staring at a broad chest decorated with black designs. Crystalline droplets of water covered the smooth tan skin, and he swallowed as he lifted his eyes to meet shocked bronze.
Renji seemed stunned to find him outside his door, and the first thing the redhead said? "Are you lost?"
Byakuya shook his head, noticing that the younger man's eyes looked bloodshot. Had Renji been crying? The bloodshot eyes narrowed a bit, then shifted off to the side as his subordinate spoke quietly. "You didn't have to bring my transfer papers here, sir. I woulda come got them, or you coulda just sent somebody else."
Byakuya frowned, realizing Renji must still think he was getting kicked out of Squad 6. "There are no transfer papers."
His lieutenant sighed, keeping his eyes averted. "Then... then why are you here, Captain? You really that mad at me?"
Byakuya replied softly, "I came here to apologize to you."
Renji's eyes met his again, wide and disbelieving. "Huh? You... what?"
Byakuya tilted his head, keeping his tone gentle so the crimsonette would know he wasn't in trouble. "Do you normally make your guests stand outside?"
Realization washed over the features of the bigger Soul Reaper. "No, I don't. Um, you... do you wanna come in?"
Byakuya nodded, trying to hide his nervousness as he stepped into the younger man's home for the first time. It was quite neat, and while not sparse, it wasn't lavish, either, and felt inviting.
The comfortable-looking furniture beckoned, but Byakuya refocused on Renji, noticing for the first time how the Rukon Dog was dressed... or not dressed, to be precise. A black towel was slung low on lean hips, barely reaching the knees.
Byakuya realized he was staring, and quickly averted his eyes, hoping he was imagining the warmth in his cheeks.
"I need to apologize for my actions earlier."
~X~X~X~X~
Renji was surprised and confused by what was going on here, and at Byakuya's last words, he felt shock flood him. What in the world could his captain be apologizing for? For that matter, this was the first time he'd ever heard of the Kuchiki heir apologizing to anyone for anything!
He managed to ask, "Wha- what actions, sir? You didn't do anything wrong."
The noble gave a small sigh and met his eyes. "All of my actions. I should not have snapped at you when you were simply inquiring as to my well-being. Then... it was wrong of me to read your riatsu the way I did. Just because you were losing control of your energy, did not give me the right to invade it like that."
Renji lowered his eyes from the older man's, trying not to let his voice shake. "That... that's ok, sir. I was in your office, and you're my captain, and it... it was pretty much all about you anyway, so I guess if anyone has the right..." He trailed off awkwardly, not sure how to complete that sentence.
He didn't realize he had backed away from his guest or that he'd started fidgeting with the ends of his wet crimson hair, caught up in his confusion and shame over what had happened in the office.
"Lieutenant?"
His head snapped up at the sound of the soft voice. "Yes, sir?"
Oh, looking at his captain was a bad idea! The older man was just standing there, but he looked unsure of himself, almost vulnerable in a way. Protectiveness flooded Renji, a desire to keep the ravenette safe and shield him from any threat.
He tried to banish that foolish thought; the smaller Soul Reaper could damn well take care of himself, and would probably not welcome the thought that his subordinate wanted to keep him safe.
But Renji couldn't help it- the more he looked at the noble, who seemed as uncertain as himself, the stronger the protective urge got. He didn't realize his spiritual energy was leaking out of his control, intent on following his thoughts.
~X~X~X~X~
Byakuya held perfectly still, barely breathing as riatsu began feathering out from his lieutenant. The younger man was gazing at him thoughtfully, and didn't seem to notice what his energy was up to.
Soft and subtle, the spiritual pressure surrounded him, but as in the office, didn't press upon him or even make contact. Byakuya could sense the same desire from before, but now the protectiveness was even stronger. He whispered, "Renji?"
Auburn eyes widened at him, and his lieutenant replied just as quietly, "Yes, Taicho?"
He took a deep, shaky breath and forced himself to ask, "I know we have had our differences, and we have fought more than once, with you striving to beat me. But... you would not maliciously do anything just to harm me, would you?"
Looking horrified by the mere thought, the crimsonette shook his head. "Never, sir. I wouldn't do nothin' to hurt you."
Byakuya kept his eyes on Renji's as he continued quietly. "I also need to apologize for my reaction after reading your energy in the office."
The Rukon Dog suddenly looked ashamed, and the riatsu surrounding them pulsed with guilt, confusion, and worry. "You looked... you looked scared of me, Taicho. I know there's a lotta shit on my mind you probably didn't like, but I dunno what you coulda read in my energy that would make you react like that, like you thought I was gonna do something awful to you."
The younger man lowered his eyes, looking devastated as he backed up a step. Byakuya tried to steady his breathing, wondering how he could explain. "It was not your fault I reacted the way I did, Renji. Don't blame yourself. I just... when I felt the desire you have for me, it made me think of something else, something that made me react to your desire with fear."
Confused bronze eyes lifted to his, and Renji tilted his head in puzzlement. Then his eyes narrowed and he asked in a tight voice, "Captain, has... has anyone ever touched you when you didn't want them to?"
Byakuya hesitated, then lowered his eyes, unable to answer. The energy around him throbbed with sudden, helpless pain and a swiftly growing anger. He heard his lieutenant step closer, snarling words that vibrated with barely controlled fury. "Who? Captain, who hurt you? Where is he?"
Slowly, Byakuya looked up to see Renji standing in front of him, shaking, with his fists clenched at his sides. There was absolute murder in those intense coppery eyes, and Byakuya briefly wondered how it would feel for this man to avenge him.
But... "It does not matter, Renji." The Rukon Dog's mouth opened to protest, but he continued, "He was killed by a hollow; after a month of coming to 'visit' me, he died, and I have never been so relieved to learn of a person's death."
Renji looked conflicted; his chance to punish his captain's tormentor taken away, but relieved that this person was no longer around to bother his victim. Then the redhead sucked in a breath. "A.. a month? Then, this didn't just happen once?"
Byakuya shook his head, somehow comforted by the protective rage that flooded the younger man's energy. His lieutenant was quiet for a few moments, staring down at his clenched fists. Then the bigger Soul Reaper whispered, "Fuckin' hell, that's why you reacted the way you did. You felt my desire for you, and... and you thought... you seriously thought I would try to hurt you like that."
Byakuya's chest tightened at the tone of pure devastation in Renji's voice, and he stepped closer, tentatively laying his hand on one of the large, clenched fists. "Only for a moment, Renji. It really wasn't your fault that I reacted like that; I know you wouldn't harm me in such a way. Yes, I felt the desire in your riatsu, but I also felt your need to protect. You felt so protective over me, without knowing what happened. That is why I had to come apologize to you."
~X~X~X~X~
Renji's mind was in turmoil over what Byakuya had told him, and he stared down at the pale, slender fingers splayed over his darker tanned fist. Slowly, he relaxed his fist, surprised when his captain's hand stayed on his. It was smaller than his own; compared to his hand, the noble's almost appeared delicate. He was reluctant to lower his hand, not wanting to lose this gentle contact.
Keeping his eyes on their hands, he whispered, "I'd never hurt you, Taicho, not like that. You... you're important to me, which you probably gathered when we were in the office. You ain't gotta apologize for how you reacted; I understand now."
He heard his superior reply softly, "My reaction hurt you, and for that, I really am sorry, Renji. I am glad you understand. As of right now, only two people know what happened, and they are both in this room."
Renji glanced up to meet the smaller Soul Reaper's dark silver-amethyst eyes and swallowed painfully, lowering his hand from his captain's touch. His precious moon really was broken, just like Byakuya had said last night. Even knowing this, he felt a possessive desire creeping through him, wanting to comfort the older man, and at the same time, claim him and show him that he didn't have to be afraid.
With a slight shake of his head, Renji stepped back as memories of his own surfaced. Growing up in Hanging Dog had been so hard, and he hadn't always been as strong as he was now. "I do understand, sir. There are always people who wanna hurt others. I know what that experience is like, Captain Kuchiki, and believe me when I say that even if I didn't have feelings for you, or didn't know what you've been through, I'd never do something like that. I'd never force anything, especially something so awful and scary."
Dark eyes widened up at him, and he sighed. "Growing up as a fuckin' Rukon Dog is a lot worse than people think. It's not unusual to get violated when you live on the streets. I was one of the few that didn't let it destroy me; I've been able to be with partners since then."
He tilted his head at his captain, who was staring at him with realization, and softened his tone. "I don't really get the feeling that you have, though."
A light blush covered the smaller Soul Reaper's cheeks as he gave a tiny shake of his head, breathing, "N-no. He... he's the only man..um.."
Renji gave a quiet snort, finally comfortable enough to be a bit more himself. "Tha's fucked up, cap'n. Bastard better be glad he's dead, nicer than what I woulda done if I'da been able to get my hands on him."
The noble stared up at him, then took a small step closer. The older man had a look of tentative trust and vulnerability in those deep silvery-violet eyes, and Renji felt conflicted. If Byakuya had never been with a guy besides the one that hurt him, what would be the right thing to do? Did... did his beautiful, broken moon wanna give him a chance?
~X~X~X~X~
Byakuya was stunned by what Renji had shared with him- apparently, the redhead really did understand. He could feel the energy in the room pulsating with desire as he stepped closer to his lieutenant. It was that heart-pounding passion he'd sensed in the office, blended with fierce protectiveness.
But there was a guilty conflict in those cinammon eyes, as if Renji felt bad for still wanting him, and was confused and unsure of what to do next.
"Renji, what's wrong?" he asked softly.
The younger man spoke in a voice barely above a growl. "Not to doubt your abilities, sir, but I dunno if you could handle all the shit that's in my head right now."
Byakuya whispered, "Try me."
The intense auburn eyes narrowed a bit in contemplation. "First of all, when I asked 'bout the story last night, is this why you gave me the answer you did? About the moon being in pieces and not worth catching?"
Byakuya gave a tiny nod. "Yes, because I was quite sure you were not really asking about the story itself."
The bigger Soul Reaper nodded, watching him thoughtfully. "I wasn't. Well, what you went through... I don't wanna make that worse. I don't want to... break the moon more than it already is. If you're not really ready, that's exactly what's gonna happen if you try to move on. And I don't have a fuckin' clue what you want or expect from me right now. Not even sure you know what you want. All I know is it seems like we're both treading on some dangerous ground right now, and that if I say or do anything wrong, I'll be picking tiny pink blades outta my skin for weeks. If I survive, that is."
It took Byakuya a moment to realize what his lieutenant meant. He glanced down to where Senbonzakura rested at his hip, and sensed an immediate flare of apprehension from the Rukon Dog. He asked softly, "Where do you keep Zabimaru?"
His host gestured towards a small table by the front door, where his zampakuto rested. He stepped over and gently laid his own weapon beside the one whose energy was almost familiar as it's master's. He met surprised bronze eyes as he slowly moved back to where he had been, standing in front of his predatory subordinate who was still wearing only the towel.
"Is that better?" he asked gently, and saw Renji's eyes flick to where he'd left his lethal sword.
The crimsonette nodded. "Yeah, a little. I'm still not sure what you want, and I'd hate to... to scare you. The way you looked at me in your office... I'd rather die than see that look again."
Byakuya hesitated, unsure of what he wanted. Then his lieutenant seemed to realize their current circumstances, glancing down at his towel with a grimace. "Oh gods, you coulda mentioned I been wearing a towel this whole damn time!"
Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "I assumed you were aware of your state of dress."
He watched as Renji blushed and muttered, "I was kinda distracted." The taller man started to turn away towards the hall, then paused, lifting those bright auburn eyes to him. "Sir? Are you... do you gotta get back to work?"
Byakuya shook his head. "No. I'm taking my first sick day in decades."
A pleased smile curved the redhead's lips as he spoke in a rather shy-sounding tone. "Ok. Um, if you wanna make yourself comfortable, I'll go get dressed and make us some tea."
Byakuya nodded, watching the Rukon Dog disappear down the hallway. He moved to the couch and sank down with a sigh. It felt strange not to be in the office at this time of day, but he really was too tired to work right now. As he settled on the comfortable couch, he couldn't deny his relief at not being at his desk.
The urge to relax was overwhelming, and he found himself removing his accessories; his kensaiken, hand-guards, and scarf were carefully placed on the end-table. After a moment, he removed his sandals and tabi as well, curling his legs up next to him and laying his head on a throw pillow that smelled like Renji.
Between his lack of sleep and the emotional strain of the day, he felt so exhausted...
~X~X~X~X~
Renji tried to calm down, though it was all but impossible. His captain knew how he felt, and he hadn't been 'Scatter'ed into oblivion. Byakuya had seemed to simply accept his feelings, and even if he didn't return them, the noble knowing and not flat-out rejecting his existence was more than Renji had ever dared to really hope for.
He was dressed in a pair of hakamas and a light yukata, and had tied his still-damp hair into a braid. He headed back towards the front room, ready to make tea, when he saw the most lovely, heart-tugging sight.
His broken moon was cutely curled up on his couch, barefoot and devoid of his silvery heirlooms. The slow rise and fall of the slender frame under the captain's haori told him his guest had fallen asleep. Renji padded closer, absorbing the adorable charm that his powerful superior exuded at the moment. The fine-featured face was half buried in one of his pillows, and he was struck by the rare peace radiating out from the ravenette.
Renji smiled to himself, thinking, 'I knew he looked tired.' Deciding tea could wait a bit, he got the soft throw blanket off of the back of the couch and carefully laid it over his sleeping captain. The older man shifted in his sleep, slender fingers curling around the edge of the blanket as ebony strands of hair drifted into the pale face. Impulsively, Renji reached out to tenderly smooth the rogue hairs back, gazing at his beautiful moon for a few more moments and wishing he could make everything in the noble's life ok.
After watching his sleeping superior longer than he probably should have, Renji very quietly stood and headed for the kitchen to see what he could scrounge up to eat. He's become a fan of food from the World of the Living and was stocked up. Hmm, it was about lunchtime... he grinned when he realized he had the makings for chili, one of his favorite things, and a hearty comfort food. Perfect!
Trying to be quiet so as not to wake his sleeping guest in the other room, Renji started cooking. Soon, warm, wonderful scents were filling the air. The chili was almost done when he heard a sound from the other room.
He poked his head out to see Byakuya sitting up and blinking at the blanket that covered him. "Hey Cap'n, I made something to eat. You hungry?"
The dark, sleepy eyes lifted to his, and the ravenette nodded. Renji grinned. "Alright. Stay there, I'll bring the food in a sec." He returned to the chili, dividing it into two bowls and grabbing a couple of spoons.
He glanced up to see Byakuya in the doorway, with the throw blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His superior still looked tired as shit, asking, "How long was I asleep?"
Renji shrugged as he gathered their lunch. "Not long, half an hour at most. Now go on; we can eat on the couch."
The smaller Soul Reaper frowned at him. "I do not take well to being told what to do."
Renji grinned at his adorable guest. "Ah, but Taicho, you're in my house, and apparently we're both too sick to work, so it's my job to take care of ya. Now shoo!" He stomped his feet as if he fully intended to chase his captain from the kitchen.
Dark eyes widened at him, then Byakuya tilted his head haughtily and walked back to the couch like it was his own idea all along. Smirking at the cuteness of his moon's pride, Renji followed with their lunch.
They settled on the couch with the food, and Renji had to hold back an eye-roll when Byakuya asked almost skeptically, "So, you can cook?"
He huffed at the noble. "Nah, I snuck someone else in here to do it. Yeah I can cook, and I'm not bad at it, and you don't gotta sound so damn surprised."
He was about to start eating, when he felt a hand on his arm and heard a soft voice. "It seems I must apologize again. I did not mean to offend you. Other than a few simple things, I cannot cook."
Surprised to hear there was something he could do that his superior could not, Renji looked over at his guest, only to see the ravenette take his first bite. A warm satisfaction spread through him as the Kuchiki heir's platinum eyes widened and he heard a tiny moan. Byakuya began eating with as much enthusiasm as his noble manners would allow (which was more enthusiasm than Renji had ever seen him eat with) and he started eating to hide his smile.
They finished their meal in companionable silence, then Renji took their bowls to the kitchen and started some tea. He poured two small glasses of milk for them to drink until the tea was done and rejoined his captain on the couch, asking, "So you liked my chili? It wasn't too spicy for you?"
Byakuya shook his head. "No, it was very good. I happen to like spicy food."
Renji smiled at the compliment, but as he looked at the older man, he felt his smile fading. What the noble had told him came to the front of his mind, and questions rose, questions he wasn't sure how to ask, or if he even should ask.
But, if he was going to try to fix his broken moon, there were things he needed to know.
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Yep, next chap's gonna be a bit more serious, cause Renji needs to know what happened, and Bya needs to talk about it, even if he doesn't realize it.
Next time on 'HtM'- Chapter 4: Safety