Healing the Moon

by YaoiHime420

Renji knows he is the monkey - always chasing the moon, but never able to capture it. What will the monkey do when he discovers that the moon is broken and not as out-of-reach as he's always thought? YAOI

4. Safety

'Healing the Moon'
RenjixByakuya

Nope, still don't own them, sadly :(

Warning: non-explicit recounting of past rape

Chapter 4: Safety

x
Previously, on 'Healing the Moon':
((Renji smiled at the compliment, but as he looked at the older man, he felt his smile fading. What the noble had told him came to the front of his mind, and questions rose, questions he wasn't sure how to ask, or if he even should ask.
But, if he was going to try to fix his broken moon, there were things he needed to know. ))
x

Byakuya sensed his lieutenant's scrutiny, and glanced up to meet cautious dark amber eyes. The Rukon Dog seemed wary, as if he wanted to ask something, but was afraid of the response. He asked softly,"What is it?"

The bigger Soul Reaper shifted nervously and cleared his throat. "Well, sir, I... um, may I ask some questions?"

Byakuya hesitated- he had a feeling these 'questions' would pertain to a part of his past that he'd never discussed, and didn't really want to. Yet, he could tell Renji was concerned and only wanted to help him. Finally, he answered quietly, "You may ask, but I reserve my right whether or not to answer."

The crimsonette nodded and shifted to face him. "Of course you don't gotta answer if you don't wanna! I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't use kido on me for askin'."

Byakuya sighed and dropped his eyes to his hands as he folded them in his lap. "I can tell you wish to ask, not to upset me, but to help. I am not sure how this will help, but I trust you."

He sensed the younger man's pleased surprise at his words. "You trust me?"

He glanced up to meet warm cinammon eyes and replied softly, "If I did not trust you, you would not be my lieutenant, and I certainly wouldn't be in your home with nobody else except us."

Byakuya felt a slow smile curving his lips as Renji's face reddened. "Ri-right, sir. That makes sense." Then the redhead whispered, "You've got a beautiful smile, Taicho. You should do it more often."

He shrugged as he folded his legs up next to him, tucking his bare feet under the blanket. "There is not much that makes me smile; however, you blushing might become a reliable source of my smile."

The Rukon Dog grinned at him, mirroring his position and sliding his own feet under the blanket. "You have no idea how much I'd love to be the source of your smile, sir."

Wanting to be in contact with his protective subordinate, and knowing Renji wouldn't initiate it, Byakuya impulsively shifted his feet until they were touching the other, warmer pair. He saw Renji blink in surprise, glance at him, then look at the floor. His lieutenant was blushing and had a tiny smile on his face, but didn't say anything and didn't move his feet away.

Byakuya waited a moment to let Renji get used to the fact that he'd initiated any kind of nonviolent contact, then he asked softly, "Did you not have questions for me?"

The younger man's head snapped up, that cautious, almost guilty look back in his dark honey eyes. Byakuya felt the warm feet press gently against his, as if the bigger Soul Reaper were subtly trying to brace and comfort him for what was to come.

Renji whispered, "How... how old were you?"

Byakuya took a deep, slightly shaky breath as he let the buried memory begin to unfold. "I was 15. It... It's actually been over a century; it started about a week after that devil cat left the Seretei."

He saw Renji tilt his head. "Devil cat? Oh, Yorurichi, sir?"

He nodded. "She would often help me train, usually by annoying me into chasing her with flash-step. Then, one day, she vanished, and I didn't know why. I felt abandoned."

He met Renji's startled coppery eyes and sighed. "I do not blame her in any way for what happened. But I did feel abandoned, and I was so hurt and angry and confused... I didn't realize one of the guards had started watching me."

~X~X~X~X~

Renji felt his chest tighten as his captain spoke, and when the ravenette said a guard had been watching him, he noticed the small, cool feet pressing harder against his. Realizing that Byakuya probably wasn't aware of that action, Renji let the smaller feet burrow under his and covered them with his own.

The noble continued speaking softly. "A week after she left, I was training like I always did, and when I was done, I went to the changing area. I felt someone grab my arm, and when I tried to pull away, I was slammed into the wall. I had not obtained Senbonzakura yet, and hadn't started kido training. I had no way to stop him."

Renji was filled with horror for the boy his captain had once been. He opened his mouth to stop his superior; he had only asked how old he'd been, and the more the Kuchiki heir spoke, the more Renji could feel him shaking. But when he opened his mouth, Byakuya gave a slight shake of his head, an intense vulnerability in those dark eyes as he breathed, "Don't... don't stop me, please?"

Renji realized the older man had probably never told a soul about this, and now that he'd started, he needed to finish, or at least get as far as he could. He gave a tiny nod and gently rubbed the ravenette's feet with his own, afraid of making any other physical contact with his traumatized moon at the moment.

He may have imagined it, but Byakuya seemed soothed by his actions, and he felt the smaller feet shift against his as his captain spoke in a soft voice. "I tried to fight at first, but he had a dagger. Weapons weren't supposed to be allowed in the changing area. He cut me and said that if I struggled, he'd kill me. He was bigger and stronger; I knew he could do it. So... I... I stopped fighting, Renji."

Renji swallowed past the lump in his throat, determined not to cry so Byakuya wouldn't think he pitied him. But oh gods, he ached for his precious moon as he whispered, "Where... where did he cut you?"

With only a hint of hesitation, Byakuya tilted his head far back and pointed to the underside of his jaw. Renji leaned close to see; there, just inside the curve of his captain's jaw, was a thin white scar over an inch long. Unable to help himself, Renji lifted his hand and tenderly traced the scar with a fingertip, breathing, "Oh, Taicho."

He felt the older man tense at his touch, but only for a heartbeat. Then the ravenette relaxed, allowing him to touch the scar and all the horror it represented.

~X~X~X~X~

Byakuya held very still, absorbing the feel of his lieutenant tenderly stroking the scar that nobody, not even Hisana, had known about. He sensed the storm of emotion the Rukon Dog felt; rage, pain, and sorrow, all for him and what he'd endured.

But Byakuya also noticed the absence of the two reactions he'd always expected if he ever divulged his secret- Renji didn't pity him or think him weak, and the younger man felt no disgust towards him, even when Byakuya had said he'd stopped fighting. Instead, Renji still felt protective, and every touch made Byakuya feel precious.

He found himself relaxing more, even though he was very aware that in his effort to see the scar, the bigger Soul Reaper was leaning over him. The gentle finger traced his scar once more, then left his skin. Byakuya lifted his head to see Renji gazing at him, then the crimsonette slowly pulled away to where he'd been sitting.

His lieutenant didn't look as if he expected any more of his story, but Byakuya felt the need to unburden himself now that he'd told as much as he had. He was about to do so, when he smelled the tea. "Renji, I believe the tea is done. If you'll get us some, I'll tell you the rest."
His companion looked surprised, but obediently got up and went into the kitchen.

Moments later, he reappeared with a tea set and two cups, sitting down and making one cup to give to him. Byakuya took it, sipping the brew while watching his subordinate make his own cup, speaking softly. "You don't have to tell me any more if you don't wanna, sir. Like I said, I've been forced, too, so I'm pretty sure I know what happens next."

Byakuya spoke quietly. "I have never told anyone any of this, and now that I've started... I..." he trailed off uncertainly, but Renji's head came up, and fiercely determined bronze eyes met his.
"If you need to talk, I will always listen, Taicho. Always."

Touched, Byakuya murmured, "Thank you, Renji. Now please get your feet back up here; mine are cold."
With a shy grin, the Rukon Dog obeyed, shifting into his previous position and sliding his feet back under the blanket to cradle Byakuya's. "That better?"

He nodded and rewarded the younger man with a smile. "Much. Thank you."
Renji blushed, still wearing that shy smile. "Anytime, sir."
Byakuya took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. His lieutenant sobered, watching him solemnly as he breathed, "I'll always listen, Taicho."

Reassured that he was making the right decision to confide in the bigger Soul Reaper, Byakuya spoke softly. "I don't remember everything, pieces are missing. I think my mind blocked some of it out." At the redhead's understanding nod, he continued. "I do remember the pain, it...it hurt so badly, I thought he was using the dagger at first. But somehow I realized there was no way a blade could fi-fill my body like th-that." He saw the sympathy in Renji's eyes, as well as the devastation caused by the thought of his suffering.

In that moment, Byakuya Kuchiki knew that if his assailant was still alive, Renji Abarai would hunt him down without a shred of mercy. But there was nothing the warrior could do now other than listen and offer what comfort he could. Even now, he felt the warm feet press against his tentatively, as if Renji wasn't sure even this attempt at solace was welcome. Grateful that Renji was trying to comfort him, Byakuya shifted his own feet, and saw relief flicker over his host's features that his attempt wasn't being rejected.

He continued relaying his fractured memories, trying to ignore the occasional stammer that he couldn't seem to control. "Afterwards, I remember there was blo-blood... I was bleeding. But at some point, he'd laid down a towel so there wouldn't be any ev-evidence. He said that if I told anyone what had happened, nobody would believe me, and that even if I was believed, I... I would be blamed. He told me everyone would say it was my fault, if they bothered to listen to me me. I believed him."

He saw Renji's shoulders tense and heard the muttered, "Bastard."

He nodded in agreement. "He also said that if I did tell anyone, whether they believed me or not, then next time would be worse. Those words frightened me more than anything- to know there was going to be a next time."

Byakuya could see a faint shimmer of unshed tears in the auburn eyes as Renji gave a small, sympathetic nod and whispered, "He wanted you to be scared, the sick fuck. You said something earlier about a month?"

Byakuya nodded. "I never went to a healer, which is why I still have the scar from his dagger. I was terrified that if I went for treatment, someone would find out what had happened, and everything he said would come true. It... it wasn't every day, but for two weeks, he frequently caught me after training. Since I couldn't tell anyone, I had no reason to miss my training, and he was always there, watching me. Then one day, he wasn't at his post, and I was so excited! I thought he'd been transferred, and that I was safe."

Byakuya felt his throat tighten as the memory progressed. "Then... then I went home, and found out that he had been transferred... to the Kuchiki manor."

~X~X~X~X~

Renji damn near exploded. "Your fuckin' home?! Gods, if there's anywhere you're supposed to feel safe, it's your own damn home! Didn't anybody suspect him?"

His captain shook his head, dark chrome eyes lifting to his. "No. He was a model guard, and he was respectful to me if anyone else was around. But he... he found out which rooms were mine, and spent the next two weeks 'visiting' me every chance he got, which was a... a bit more often than when he'd only had access to me at the training grounds."

Furious, but afraid of losing his temper around his broken moon, Renji cracked his knuckles, his vivid imagination supplying him with images of a 15 year-old Byakuya being terrorized by some faceless man. He managed to whisper, "Didn't your family notice you were acting strangely? Or friends? People don't act the same when they're going through something like that, trust me. Didn't... didn't anyone fuckin' notice?"

Slowly, the noble shook his head. "My family thought I was reacting to Yorurichi's disappearance, and I didn't bother correcting them because of what he had said. As far as friends... well, much like my current life, I didn't really have anyone I considered my friend."

Renji felt his gut twist, knowing that of course the noble captain wouldn't consider his common-born subordinate a friend, but it hurt even worse to think of him as a child and still alone.

Byakuya started speaking again, but this time, his voice sounded stronger than before. "Then the day came when several of our guards were sent to the World of the Living to deal with a hollow outbreak. I ran over to the 12th Division, knowing they'd be monitoring the fight. I snuck in and managed to find a screen nobody was watching. I was hoping... I was praying for another person's death, Renji. Then I saw it. I saw this big red hollow's tail go into his chest and there was so much blood when it came out. I watched that monster die with my own eyes. He was the only casualty."

Renji found himself smirking vindictively, glad that the evil guard had died and viciously pleased that Byakuya had been able to witness it. Not everyone got such closure as seeing their abuser's demise. "Well, damn. As fucked up as it might sound, this is my favorite part of your story."

He could swear that the ravenette was fighting a satisfied smirk of his own as he murmured, "'Fucked up', indeed. It is my favorite part of the memory."

Renji felt his eyes widen in surprise. "Did you just cuss, Taicho?"

The older man tilted his head. "Yes. It is not something I do often, but you may be wearing off on me with your liberal use of foul language."

Renji smiled, then asked in a gentle tone, "So, do you feel better now that you've talked?"

His guest nodded, looking relieved as he gave a soft sigh. "I actually do. Thank you for listening, Renji. Might... might I ask a question of you?"

Renji frowned at the smaller Soul Reaper, surprised by his words. "Of course, Taicho! Geez, I asked you 'bout something really personal, and you actually told me. After that, I say you got the right to ask me whatever you want."

Byakuya regarded him solemnly, speaking quietly. "After the first time, I... I never tried to fight him again. He always had his dagger, and the first several times, he'd make the same threat before sta-starting, that if I struggled, he'd kill me. I never struggled, and if he told me to do something, I did it."
The dark eyes slid away from his as the proud noble continued in a hushed whisper. "I have always been ashamed of that decision, feeling that it might have been better to fight and die, than live and let him do those things to me. My question is... do you think I did the right thing by giving up?"

Renji felt his heart breaking as he scooted closer and took the slender hands in his own. "Taicho, look at me, please?"

Hesitant violet-silver eyes rose to his, and he could see the shame and fear of judgement. He spoke gently. "Look, I get why you might regret that decision; it's gotta be one nasty stain on that pride of yours. But you asked me, and if you really want my honest opinion, then I'm glad you didn't fight. Well, shit, I know that sounded bad. What I mean is, if you'd fought, he definitely would've hurt you worse, made you suffer more, and he really might've killed you. You would've never accomplished all the good things you've done. You would've never adopted Rukia and given her a privileged life, and she wouldn't have such a great big brother. You wouldn't be Captain, and I... I am truly honored to serve under you, sir."

Byakuya's dark silvery eyes widened, then lowered to their joined hands. Renji heard a faint, choked whisper, "Th-thank you. Thank you so much." He caught his breath when he saw a tear slide down the pale cheek, followed by another and another.

Filled with the urge to comfort his broken moon, Renji shifted and gently pulled on the hands he held.

~X~X~X~X~

Byakuya felt a gentle tug on his hands, and looked up at his lieutenant. His vision was blurred by tears, and he could feel them tracking down his cheeks. Embarrassed, he tried to pull one of his hands free so he could wipe his tears away, but Renji held them with a gentle insistence. "Shh, Taicho. It's alright, I ain't gonna hurt you. C'mere."

Byakuya found himself closer to the bigger Soul Reaper as both of his hands were placed in one large hand's careful grasp. Then the Rukon Dog was using his free hand to tenderly wipe his tears away. He trembled at the gentle touch on his cheeks, and it just seemed as if his tears were coming harder. "Re-Renji?"

Through his tears, he could see understanding and sympathy in the concerned honey eyes as Renji spoke in a soft, coaxing tone. "It's alright, sir. Everything's gonna be ok, I ain't gonna let nothin' happen to you."

Byakuya didn't resist as he was guided to lean against a broad, warm chest, and strong arms carefully wrapped around him. For the first time, he truly grieved over what had happened to him, even as he struggled to defend himself to the one that held him. "I n-never cried for him! No ma-matter what he d-did, no matter what he m-made me do, I ne-never cried for him, d-dammit!"

The sobs were shaking his body as Renji held him and rocked him a little, murmuring soothingly, "I know, I know. You did good, Taicho, really good, and I'm so proud of you. It's ok, he can't hurt you ever again. Nobody will, I promise. It's alright, I've got you now, and I promise I won't let nobody hurt you ever, ever again."

As his tears finally abated, Byakuya was breathing raggedly, head on his lieutenant's shoulder. He gave a deep, shaky sigh and realized he felt secure in Renji's embrace. Secure, warm, protected... he felt safe in a way he had not felt since he was 15. The comforting words came back to him, and he whispered, "You... you promised nobody will hurt me again?"

There was a moment of silence, then a nervous laugh vibrated the bigger Soul Reaper's body. "Ye-yeah, I did. I know how stupid it sounds; with how strong you are now, you can whoop my ass, so I don't know how much of a difference I'd really make. But I still meant it, Taicho. I'd do whatever it takes to keep that from happening to you again."

Byakuya not only believed the words, he could feel the protectiveness that consumed the younger man's spiritual pressure. Slowly, he lifted his head from the broad shoulder. "Renji?"
Warm bronze eyes met his. "Hmm?"

He was quiet, just gazing up at the redhead and absorbing how it felt for those strong arms to be wrapped around him, keeping him safe. It felt... nice.
After a few moments, Renji seemed to realize that he was still holding his superior officer, and the arms began to pull away. Not wanting to be let go just yet, Byakuya breathed, "It..it's ok."
Looking a bit uncertain, the Rukon Dog left his arms loosely wrapped around his waist. "You sure?"
He nodded, and after a moment, one big, warm hand began rubbing the most soothing circles over his lower back. His lieutenant asked gently, "You feelin' better?"

He nodded slowly, still gazing up at his host. Renji tilted his head, looking a bit worried. "Umm, Captain? Not that I mind or anything, but why you lookin' at me like that? You ok? You don't regret tellin' me, do you?"

Byakuya hesitated, then asked in a voice barely above a whisper, "Earlier, you said something... something like that if I wasn't ready, then I could just be broken further?"

He felt Renji take a shaky breath. "Um, yeah. After experiencing that, you have to be ready before tryin' to be with someone else. If you're not ready, it just fucks you up more, trust me." The younger man blushed and lowered his eyes before continuing in a mumble, "But don't mind what I said, Taicho. I only mentioned that earlier cause I got this feelin'... I know it's stupid and crazy, but I kinda got this feelin' like... maybe the moon might give the monkey a chance to try and fix him."
Byakuya felt his chest tighten at the hopeless look his lieutenant was trying, and failing, to hide. His voice was a bit unsteady as he replied. "Renji, I do not think your feeling is stupid or crazy." Dark bronze eyes rose to his, looking surprised and a bit hopeful. Byakuya felt his cheeks warming as he continued, "You should know, though, you were right earlier. I... I am not sure what I want."

Renji nodded as a shy, charming smile began to blossom on his strong features. "Well, that's fine, Taicho. I understand that kind of confusion; it can be really hard to sort out. You can always let me know if you want some help figuring out what you want."

Charmed by the shy offer, Byakuya could feel an answering smile curving his own lips. "That sounds good, Renji. Thank you. I do have an idea for a first step."

The Rukon Dog tilted his head. "What's that, Taicho?"

~X~X~X~X~

Renji watched the adorable blush on his captain's cheeks darken as he answered. "Well, with everything we have been talking about, and since we're alone and not at the office, might you stop addressing me so formally? I think I'd like you to use my name- it seems ridiculous to keep using my title under these circumstances."

Renji felt his heart quicken; oh gods, he loved his moon's beautiful name, and the thought of getting to use it freely... he opened his mouth to answer, then his eyes fell to the white captain's haori the smaller Soul Reaper wore. A symbol of the difference between them, a barrier that remained, even though the other symbols were gone at the moment.

"I... I'm not sure I can do that, sir." He realized he still had his arms around the noble's waist, and so was touching the pristine white fabric. Suddenly ashamed that he'd taken such liberties with his superior, moon or not, he released the slender waist, feeling as if he'd somehow dirtied his high-born guest.

He would've pulled away, but a slender hand gently caught his wrist. "Renji? What is wrong?" He met the deep violet-steel eyes, then lowered his gaze back to the white symbol of rank. The older man followed his gaze, breathing, "Oh, I see. It is alright, Renji."

Then the ravenette was removing his haori, folding it and placing it on the end-table that held his other accessories of privilege. Renji was stunned by the gesture his captain had just made, and for his comfort! "S-sir?"

The smaller Soul Reaper faced him again with an almost sad look on those fine features as he said softly, "I cannot change the circumstances of our births, and at the moment, I can't do much about the difference in our ranks. But, we are alone, and you have done so much for me. I am quite sure you wish to use my name and speak as equals. I'd like to hear it."

The noble gave an encouraging smile. "I imagine you already use my given name in here." Renji blushed deeply as slender fingers lightly tapped his forehead, then began gently tracing the markings above one eye. He shivered and closed his eyes, leaning into the gentle touch as he whispered, "Byakuya."

He heard a breathless, "Ohh! I... I like the way you say my name. Say it again?"

He opened his eyes to see his moon watching him with fascination. The desire he'd had to hide from the Kuchiki heir for so long rushed through him, and he gave a deep, growling moan as he deliberately drew out the beautiful name. "Byaa-kuuu-yaaaa."

He watched the amethyst eyes widen as pink shadows flared over the pale cheeks. The smaller Soul Reaper lowered his hand and gave him a shy smile, speaking in a somewhat choked-sounding voice. "See? Th-that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Renji shifted just a little closer as he shook his head. "Nah, not that hard. As long as we're not at the office and nobody's around, will you let me keep calling you Byakuya after today?"

The older man gave a shy nod. "I think that would be ok, Renji. At the office, though..."
Renji pulled a straight face. "Of course, Captain Kuchiki." Then he smirked at his guest. "See? I can behave myself."

He saw the ravenette trying to fight a smile. "Oh yes, you can. You have behaved very well today; despite having your crush all to yourself, in your home, and in a rather vulnerable state, I might add, you have been quite the gentleman, Mr. Abarai."

Renji gaped at his stoic captain, surprised that he'd just laid it all out there like that. Then he began chuckling, glad that his beautiful, broken moon had noticed his restraint. "Ah, shit, you have no idea how hard it's been to be a 'gentleman' today. I might just die from behaving myself!"

The noble smiled at him. "That would be a tragic way to go. But for what it's worth, I am incredibly grateful for your restraint, Renji. Believe it or not, I was very nervous when I knocked on your door."

Renji shrugged as he gathered their cups for fresh tea. "Pfft. I could tell you were nervous after you came in, but to be honest, other than the fact that I felt like shit for making you nervous, I think you're adorable when you're all flustered and fidgety."

The Kuchiki heir blushed. "You... you think I'm adorable?"

Renji smirked as he poured the tea. "Adorable when you're nervous. The rest of the time, you're so beautiful and composed and perfect, feels like I'm gonna lose every bit of my damn mind just bein' in the same room with you."

In his peripheral vision, he watched Byakuya's blush deepen as the dark eyes flicked over him. He sat back and handed over one of the cups of tea, asking casually, "So, you maybe wanna tell me why you look so tired? Without biting off my head?"

His guest gave a small sigh. "I didn't sleep last night."

Renji frowned, immediately worried. "Why didn't you sleep well?"

The noble shook his head. "No. I didn't sleep. At all. And it was because I... I was thinking... a-about you."

The end of the sentence trailed off into a whisper, and Renji breathed, "Oh, ok. Um, sorry 'bout that."

Byakuya shrugged, sipping his tea. "It's alright, Renji. I look tired because between that and the very unusual day I've had,... I'm absolutely exhausted."

x

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Aww, I love them so much! *hugs Bya and Ren chibis* Poor Bya, it's ok, Ren will take care of you!
Anyways, if you've read any of my work before, you know I tend to ramble cause I pay waaay too much attention to detail. Got some nice stuff coming up next chap.

Thank you to reviewers 'Guest' and 'PurpleCosmos'- especially yours. It's nice to be appreciated for trying to take it slow when a dark past is involved. For some reason, I've just got a habit of writing that one or both of the main characters have something like that in their past. I find myself wondering what you think of this chap. Anyways, thanks for the kudos :)

Next time on 'HtM'- Chapter 5: A Flurry of Firsts