Ch 20: Confessions
Sorry for the delay on this, loves. Some of you are aware that I have been working on another story, Broken Icicles, with timewaster. It is a big project that takes a lot of my time and energy and attention. But I have not forgotten my other works :) In fact, seeing as how BI has had tragedy and a lot of angst, I NEED to work on this lol
Plus, Spunky requested an update :)
Warnings: Language, suggestive shit, a ton of fluffy snuggly-talky stuff, and a rather dark admission from Renji concerning their past.
((Ch 21 will be a while in coming-it's long and gonna have naughtiness ;))
~Previously~
((Renji turned his head to look at his partner, hand still on the slim hip. Byakuya spoke softly.
"Renji, I want to try. Tonight."))
Byakuya watched his boyfriend's auburn eyes widen at his words. The bigger Soul Reaper seemed to hesitate, licking his lips and glancing down Byakuya's body before meeting his eyes and speaking in a hushed voice. "Um, Byakuya? Before I jump to any conclusions and make a total ass of myself, would you mind telling me exactly what you're wanting to 'try' tonight?"
He could feel his cheeks warming, but he held the dark honey eyes as he replied in the most confident tone he could manage. "I want to try going all the way. You already have everything of me except my body, and I want to take that step with you. In all honesty, I don't know if I'll succeed; it...it might end up being a 'false start', but I really do want to try, Renji."
He could clearly see the conflict in the deep, almost hungry amber eyes as the younger man murmured, "Gods, you have no idea how bad I wanna say 'OK' and try right now, but...ugh, I can't believe I'm questioning this! Look, are you sure about this? It's only our fourth day together...have you really thought this out? I just...I don't want you to make a decision you'll regret, Byakuya."
He smiled at his worrisome redhead, touched by the consideration. "I figured you'd hesitate, being concerned for me. But yes, I have thought about this- a lot. I am nervous, simply because of my lack of willing experience. But no matter how it turns out, even if I end up freaking out, I am quite certain I will not regret my decision to try."
Slowly, Renji began to smile as the hand on his hip squeezed gently. "Alright, baby. You'll trust me, listen to what I say?"
He nodded shyly. "Yes. In this matter, I will bow to your expertise. I trust you to take care of me."
The crimsonette's smile widened, and the look of hunger in the coppery eyes intensified. "So if I tell you to relax or breathe, you gotta try your best, ok?"
Byakuya tilted his head. "Are you saying I might need to be reminded to breathe?"
The redhead shrugged. "Like you said, I'm the one with the expertise. You'd be surprised at some of the stuff I've experienced and witnessed. Trust me, anything I say is gonna be for your own good."
He nodded his understanding, heart pounding as he felt one of those big, gentle hands stroking his hair. The bigger Soul Reaper smiled reassuringly. "Shh, baby, don't look so nervous. Just cause you said you wanna try, doesn't mean I'm just gonna jump you. Besides, you said you wanted to try tonight. You know it's barely one o'clock?"
Not having realized this until now, Byakuya blushed deeply and lowered his eyes, only for his chin to be gently captured by strong fingers as a deep, soothing voice murmured against his ear, "Don't do that. Nothing to be embarrassed about, my dearest Taicho. I'm actually really glad you said something now."
Not understanding, he raised his eyes to meet the warm auburn gaze, whispering, "Why?"
His subordinate smirked at him. "A few reasons, actually. Having a few hours to get ready sounds good. See, I was totally not expecting you to wanna try so soon, and I feel unprepared." Renji's smirk turned into a rather sheepish smile. "I know you like my confidence, baby, but I'm kinda nervous about this."
Byakuya felt his eyes widen in surprise. "What on earth could you be nervous about? You've done this before."
The younger man replied softly, "Not with you, Byakuya. I've never been with someone that I've been crushing on for over forty years." He shivered as Renji's thumb grazed the spot right below his ear, and his boyfriend continued. "You're special to me, Taicho, and that means that I want this to be as close to 'perfect' as possible for you."
He blushed at the softly spoken words, touched that this meant so much to his partner. "Renji, it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be with you. And I'm sure you'll do fine; it is not your abilities I question, but mine. I want to do well for you, too."
The Rukon Dog smiled, tightening those powerful arms around him. "Baby, you're gonna do great. Oh, and you ain't gotta keep your riatsu under control when we're doing stuff. I've noticed that when you're getting frisky, you're trying to keep your spiritual pressure down."
Byakuya tilted his head. "Well, I didn't want anyone to sense it here, in the interest of keeping it a secret."
His companion shook his head. "Nah, don't worry. Nobody will sense your energy signature here. My quarters have been insulated to hide spiritual pressure."
Surprised to hear this, he asked, "Enough to hide mine at its strongest?"
Renji blushed lightly as he answered. "Not to downgrade your riatsu, Taicho, but Kenpachi can be in here, without his eye-patch, and someone outside would never know."
Having felt the other captain's unleashed energy in the past, Byakuya nodded. "Mine would definitely be hidden, then. How did you get your quarters insulated in such a way?"
The redhead gave him a sheepish grin. "Well, it was a group effort, but Shuuhei was in charge of it. He used some special combination of kido and bakudo to block energy one way, so we can still sense someone outside, and these quarters are also soundproofed. He did all our places like that."
Impressed with the effort and ability to accomplish this, Byakuya wondered if Shuuhei would mind doing another place. "Do you think he could be convinced to soundproof and riatsu-proof the Sixth's captain's quarters?"
Renji chuckled. "Can't think of why not. He's pretty helpful; I'm sure he'll do it. Anyways, you still won't be sensed here."
Byakuya nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."
The bigger Soul Reaper kissed his forehead, murmuring, "Good. Like I said, I like the way your riatsu feels, especially when you're... in a good mood. And as far as tonight, it'll be a good way to monitor how you're doing."
He frowned slightly, replying, "I would tell you; you told me to let you know if I became uncomfortable or didn't feel safe."
The younger man nodded, giving him a reassuring smile. "I know, baby. But, I think it's possible that if you're getting just a little uncomfy, you might not say anything, determined to keep going. Besides, I might feel a problem in your riatsu before you get a chance to react to it and say something."
Byakuya felt his frown fading, once again touched by his boyfriend's concern, and how well his lieutenant knew him. He snuggled closer to the solid warmth, absorbing the feeling of absolute safety he felt when they were this close. "Thank you for talking with me, Renji. I don't mean to be a bother."
He felt his partner gently nuzzling into his hair. "It's no bother, I promise. I love talking with you, and I'll happily tell you anything you wanna know. That's part of the reason I'm glad you told me so early that you wanna try tonight; getting this stuff taken care of. We got the time to talk about anything we need to, and if you got any questions, we can get them outta the way."
Byakuya hesitated as a question came to mind, then asked softly, "Remember how we were talking about 'rough' stuff? Are...are you going to be rough with me?"
He felt the bigger Soul Reaper hug him a little tighter and bury his face in his hair as he murmured, "No, baby. At least, not at first. Gonna start out real gentle and careful, and I'll keep it that way if you want. But once you're used to it, if you wanna go harder or get a little rough, I'll be happy to help you out with that. I'm pretty good at picking up on cues, so you might not even have to say anything, though I do like when you tell me what you want and talk dirty."
Byakuya could feel his cheeks warming, and gentle fingers brushed over one as Renji chuckled softly. "Aww Taicho, you have no idea how cute you are sometimes. I'm gonna take real good care of you, I promise. And you know what? I'm still gonna love you and be proud of you, baby, no matter how this goes."
Still blushing, Byakuya smiled shyly at his partner. "Same here, honey."
~X~X~X~X~X~
Renji felt a blissful smile curving his lips at his superior's words, that roundabout way his boyfriend was able to admit how he felt.
After the things Byakuya had told him, he didn't blame his partner for not being able to say those three little words, that was fine.
Over 40 years of crushing on the 'heartless Ice Prince', and now the Kuchiki heir was here with him and finding ways to verbalize his affection.
He smiled into the deep amethyst-steel eyes, letting his thumb trace the jawline of the older man who lay perfectly relaxed in his arms, trusting him with everything.
He had wanted this for so long, and now it was happening. The last 4 days were easily the best of his life, and he had a feeling it was just gonna get better.
Renji shifted, raising up on one elbow with his forearm under the noble's head. He continued to smile down at his captain as he used his free hand to tenderly brush stray black hairs out of the pale, fine-featured face. Byakuya smiled back, playing with the long scarlet strands that spilled over his shoulders. "Renji, I may be nervous, but I am looking forward to tonight. The way you look at me, like I'm precious. You really will take care of me, won't you?"
He nodded, laying his hand on the silver cherry blossom that adorned the sapphire yukata over the ravenette's heart. "Of course, baby. Always. You're my world, you know, and that started a long time ago."
He saw the pink shadows that flared over his companion's cheeks. The sight was lovely and charming, and unable to help himself, Renji lowered his head to touch his lips to his superior's. He'd only intended to give his boyfriend a chaste kiss, but before he could pull away, a slender hand slid into the hair at the back of his head, boldly holding him there as the soft lips under his parted invitingly.
He deepened the kiss with a sense of urgency, chasing the sweet, pure taste of his partner. Mmmm, Byakuya tasted so good and felt so perfect in his arms... Renji wanted to keep going, go further and take the smaller Soul Reaper, make him scream and writhe in pleasure...
But his conscience popped up like Jiminy-fuckin'-Cricket, reminding him of all the reasons he wanted to wait for tonight. He broke the kiss with a groan, leaning his forehead against Byakuya's. He head a soft, hesitant whisper. "Renji?"
He lifted his head to meet dark platinum eyes that held confusion and a trace of uncertain guilt, as if the older man thought he'd done something wrong. Renji shook his head, making his crimson mane flutter around them like a curtain. "It's alright, baby. You're just so hard to resist, but I really do wanna wait for tonight."
The noble frowned, almost pouting as he laid one hand against Renji's cheek. "Why? I warned you about being difficult, Abarai. Why are you insisting we wait?"
He turned his head to nuzzle the hand on his cheek, running his lips and the tip of his nose along the inside of the slender wrist as he murmured, "I'm not tryin' to be difficult, Taicho, promise. Besides having time to get ready, I wanna wait so you have a chance to change your mind if you want."
The reply was immediate, and sounded hurt. "I am not going to change my mind, Renji."
He met the deep storm-violet eyes as he replied gently, "I'm glad you feel that way, baby, but this is for my peace of mind. I've been waiting for this for almost half a century; I can wait a few more hours to make sure it's what you really want."
His partner's pout faded, replaced by a warm look of understanding. "Alright. I think it's sweet that you worry about me so much; I'm just not used to someone being so concerned for me on a personal level."
Renji smiled at words, then chuckled softly. "Yeah, but I kinda wanna kick my own ass. My beautiful, powerful, perfect captain says he wants to go all the way with me, and my brilliant fuckin' response is 'Hey, let's wait.' Gods, you might just be dating an idiot, baby."
The ravenette gave a gentle laugh that was music to Renji's ears, leaning up to kiss his jaw. "You are not an idiot, honey, you're the sweetest person I know. But I have a feeling I'm going to be frustrated and in pain by the time tonight gets here."
Renji laughed out loud and kissed his boyfriend on the nose. "You and me both, baby. This is gonna be the longest afternoon ever!" He shifted to lean back against the pillows, watching as the Kuchiki heir sat up and turned to face him.
"So what do we do until then? It was your idea to wait, so it is your responsibility to keep me entertained until at least sunset."
He chuckled and crossed his hands behind his head. "Hmmm, that would be true... except you're the one that originally said you wanted to try 'tonight'." He smirked at the thoughtful look that crossed his superior's face, then Byakuya replied, "I believe you are correct. Does that mean I have to decide how we pass the time?"
He shrugged, relenting to the cutely uncertain question. "Ahh, don't worry, we can think of something together. Hey, by the way, is this what you were thinking about earlier? When you wouldn't tell me what was on your mind, were you thinking about going all the way?"
His partner hesitated, then nodded shyly. "That, and how to tell you. I...I've actually been thinking about this since Wednesday night. It was rather confusing at first, as you are the first man I've ever been attracted to. It still feels a little...unusual, but there's nowhere I'd rather be right now."
Renji smiled, moving one hand to rub gentle circles on the older man's back. "My poor Byakuya, you have had a lot on your mind lately. This is why you were wanting to know about it and asking all those questions, huh?"
His companion nodded, then those lovely dark eyes widened. "Oh, I wanted to get your opinion on something."
Caught off-guard, Renji watched as his boyfriend began climbing out of the nest.
~X~X~X~X~X~
Byakuya could sense his subordinate's immediate curiosity as he got out of the couch-nest and moved to his bag. He dug until he found what he was looking for, then climbed back into the nest with it cradled to his chest. He met the intensely curious honey eyes and asked, "You said you like the way I smell, right?"
The crimsonette nodded. "Yeah. You always smell like sakura trees in bloom. Why?"
Bypassing the question, Byakuya asked, "And you said that oil is the best thing to use as a... a lubricant, right?"
His partner nodded again, the curiosity in his auburn eyes growing. "Yeah. Why are you asking these questions, baby?"
He took a deep breath and finally answered. "I always smell like sakura blossoms because of a specially made oil that I use on my skin and hair. I've been using it my entire adult life."
The younger man tilted his head, lowering his eyes to the bottle Byakuya held against his chest and speaking softly. "Ok. That's interesting, baby; I sorta thought you just smelled like that naturally. This oil you use, is that what you've got there?"
He nodded, saying, "I've been using it so long and absorbed so much over the years that I carry the scent even if I go a few days without using it."
The redhead nodded slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. "Alright. Well, you said you wanted my opinion on something? This it?"
Byakuya nodded shyly, self-conscious about his question. "I...I was wondering if this might work..um..for tonight?"
His boyfriend smiled reassuringly as he sat up against the pillows and held out one hand. "Can I check it out?" He handed over the bottle, feeling Renji's fingers brush against his. His host kept the comforting smile on his face as he took the bottle, examining it before flipping the lid open.
His partner tilted the bottle to let a couple of drops land on his fingertips. Renji peered at his fingers as he rubbed them together.
"This is some high-quality shit. Got a real nice consistency, slick without being too runny or slippery. That means unless we use too much, like a ridiculous amount, it won't make a mess. And it is absorbing, but not too fast- the right amount will last awhile. And it really does smell like you; puts that crap I bought to shame."
Remembering the 'cherry blossom' scented products he'd seen in the bathroom, Byakuya tilted his head, and Renji shrugged. "I bought that stuff cause the smell kinda reminded me of you, but they always paled in comparison."
He absorbed the words, realizing how very painful the younger man's crush must've been before this week, being in love with someone who, at best, ignored him, and at worst, had treated him like shit. He was suddenly starkly aware of how often he'd spoken down to his lieutenant, or dismissed his opinion on something, or oh gods the fights they'd had when Renji had been on the right side.
Byakuya scooted close to the bigger Soul Reaper, who was still gazing thoughtfully at his fingers. As he shifted closer, Renji met his eyes and gave him a sweet smile, which, considering his train of thought, made him feel like scum. How could someone, who he'd relentlessly criticized for the tiniest thing or nothing at all, possibly smile at him like that?
The redhead was still smiling at him as he spoke. "You wanted my opinion on if this would work for tonight, yeah? I think it'll be perfect, if you don't mind using it for that. I like this oil, very good quality, but I imagine it's expensive."
He shook his head, still thinking about everything he'd put the Rukon Dog through over the years. "No, it's specifically made for me, so I can always get more. I'd like if we could use it tonight, and in the future." He hesitated before continuing. "Renji, are...are you ever angry at me for being such a jerk to you?"
The auburn eyes flew wide, and Renji almost dropped the bottle of oil. "Damn, that was a fast subject change! That stuff's in the past, baby. Don't...don't worry 'bout that."
Realizing that his subordinate hadn't actually denied anger, Byakuya hesitated as he thought back to Wednesday morning when everything had changed. In his office, he'd read Renji's energy... and under the worry and tenderness, he had felt anger and frustration and resentment. All along, it had been his fault that he'd felt that wonderful spirit breaking.
He leaned closer and gently brushed some stray crimson strands away from his partner's face. "Renji, you said you'd be honest with me."
The dark amber eyes lifted to his, full of something akin to pain, and Byakuya was stunned to see fear in them as well as his boyfriend whispered, "I'd be honest with you about anything, Taicho. But don't make me talk about this. I...I don't wanna."
A sharp pain flared through Byakuya's chest, and he lowered his eyes as he murmured, "I'm sorry, Renji. I just... I needed to know. I'm so sorry about everything."
Before he'd even finished, he felt a strong arm wrap around his waist, pulling him against the bigger Soul Reaper's side as Renji sighed into his hair. "Don't apologize to me, Taicho, not for anything. Look, is it really that important to you that we talk about this, about the worse aspects of our past?"
Unsure if this was really a good idea, Byakuya shook his head. "Not enough to upset you. It just seemed like something we needed to...I don't know..put behind us instead of burying it."
He felt his lieutenant sigh again. "Believe it or not, I understand what you're trying to do; sort of clear the air, right?"
He shrugged, keeping his eyes on the arm around his waist. "I suppose, but I don't want to if it's going to make you upset."
There were a few moments of silence, then Renji spoke quietly. "If you wanna clear the air between us, ask what you will, and I promise to be honest in my answers, and to not get upset. Well, I promise I'll try not to get too upset."
He hesitated, then asked softly, "How often have I made you angry at me, Renji?"
His companion took a deep breath, then answered. "A lot. Most days. You treated me like crap, and usually, I didn't know why or what I'd done wrong. Sometimes, it seemed like you weren't aware you were being a prick, other times, I coulda sworn you were doing it deliberately, trying to provoke me for some reason."
Byakuya gave a tiny shake of his head. "I don't think I've actually tried provoking you, at least not consciously."
He heard the Rukon Dog's thoughtful-sounding reply. "Hmm, well, that's good to know. Honestly, what pissed me off the most was usually just your whole attitude. Like I said before, I suspected that it was an act to protect yourself, but sometimes you made that really hard to keep in mind. That fuckin' condescending, 'I'm-better-than-you', arrogant, Ice Prince shit drives me insane."
Hearing the faint snarl in the last few words, Byakuya stayed silent for a second. Still not looking at his partner, he asked softly, "And how angry have I made you?"
He was met with the longest silence yet, then the arm around his waist dropped away as the whispered reply reached him. "Enough to result in some... some real nasty fantasies that I'm not proud of, and am never discussing."
Byakuya realized in an instant that his mistreated subordinate had fantasized about punishing his behavior and treatment by forcing him, and he looked to Renji's face, seeing the profound shame in the dark honey eyes before they slid away from his. The younger man spoke quietly. "You wanted me to be honest, Taicho, remember? I wasn't ever really gonna do anything like that cause I know how awful it is, and even in those fantasies, I always prepared you, and made sure you got a release, too. That... that doesn't change the fact that they, at the very least, started out non-consensual."
Byakuya swallowed his initial reaction of fear and outrage, making himself look at the whole thing. Even pissed off and wanting to punish him, Renji had still been thinking about taking care of him. Kind of.
"You would still have prepared me, even though the point was to punish me?"
The crimsonette frowned at him. "You're kind focusing on the wrong thing here. I was under the impression you were still a virgin, and I was thinking about taking that away from you, without your permission! How can you possibly be focused on the fact that I prepared you in those fantasies?"
Byakuya took a deep breath before replying. "Because that seems more significant. Even angry, you were still thinking about taking care of me." He rested his head on his boyfriend's shoulder, sensing a storm of surprise and confusion as he continued. "I am very sorry for how I acted and how I treated you, Renji. You did not deserve that, and I understand how it made you so angry. I also see now why you didn't want to talk about this- You didn't want me to know about those particular fantasies."
He felt Renji tentatively nuzzle his hair as the younger man whispered, "I didn't. I was always ashamed of them, hating myself when they formed in my mind. And now, it..it's even worse. Do you have any idea how horrible I feel, knowing that I was thinking about doing something like that when you'd already..."
Byakuya heard the choked whimper his partner cut off, and he could feel the heartbroken distress flooding his riatsu. He laid his hand over Renji's heart, unconsciously letting a thread of healing kido seep in. "Shhh, my Renji. Don't do this to yourself. I know you feel bad, but as you told me before, these things are in the past."
He sensed a slight calming of his companion's energy, and the arm around his waist tightened a bit as the bigger Soul Reaper breathed, "Did...did you still want..."
As his host trailed off, Byakuya met the deep amber-red eyes. "Did you think I would change my mind about tonight because of what you told me?"
Renji gave a tiny shake of his head, eyebrows knitting together as he tried to explain. "Not exactly. I thought, after that, you'd change your mind about me...this relationship...everything. I'm kinda tryin' to wrap my head around the fact you haven't left yet."
Byakuya caught his breath at the realization that Renji had seriously thought his confession would ruin their relationship, but had still been honest with him. He lifted his hand to his partner's cheek, seeing the bright auburn eyes widen. He leaned up to touch their lips together.
"I'm not going anywhere, honey, I promise."