CHAPTER 3 – BIG GIRLS CRY

Amelia was happy to see the doors' elevator opening to reveal none other than Arizona Robbins. They had barely seen each other over these last few days and she was kind of missing the other woman's presence. Their effortless teasing banter, her cheerful attitude and relaxing behavior… Amelia could definitely see her and she becoming great friends in a near future. The neurosurgeon was in dear of some. She simply couldn't hang out with her brother and his wife all the time and while she loved her nephew and nieces to pieces, she needed friends. Real adult friends who could speak in full sentences. People she could listen to, share life experiences with and laugh with. And that was exactly how Arizona and Owen made her feel. She smiled at Arizona and the pediatric surgeon smiled right back, just as warmly.

"Hello stranger," she greeted playfully and waltzed in, pushing the button.

"Hello. Long time no see."

"Don't I know it," Amelia whined. "I think our respective redheads are taking us too much time away from each other," she pouted playfully and Arizona couldn't help but laugh. "Really though. I missed hanging out with you and that little munchkin of yours. She's a cool chick."

"All me," she joked with a giggle. "She's been asking about you all the time by the way. You should stop by day care and say hi."

"Wouldn't it be weird?" Amelia asked with a frown. "I mean, I'd love to. But I don't want to cause any trouble."

"She likes spending time with you, who am I to say no to her?" the other woman shrugged.

"Her mom?" she recalled with a laugh.

"Yeah… Well, you try saying no to her beautiful big black eyes and pouty face."

Amelia chuckled. She had already been onto the receiving end of this adorable sulking face and she had to admit, it was really convincing. She bumped her shoulder lightly with Arizona's. "Do you have her this week or is she at Callie's?"

"Callie's."

"So you're free tonight, right?"

"I know Sofia's not there, but I still have a social life, you know?"

"Please, your social life is April and she's working tonight."

Arizona's face scrunched up with slight irritation. "Hey, I have other…" she paused and realized Amelia was probably right.

Her social life resumed to people from work, her ex-wife and her kid. For a second, she thought about her few one night stands but she couldn't really consider them her friends. That would imply they had shared things other than a few hours of intimacy and moans, which they often did not.

"Fine," Arizona huffed in annoyance. "What did you have in mind?"

"Weeeeeeeeell, Derek has plenty of Disney movies and great wine," Amelia suggested.

The blonde chuckled. "You sure know the way to a woman's heart."

"I know, right?" she said with a playful look. "It's a wonder why I'm single," she wiggled her eyebrows, earning a giggle from Arizona. The elevator finally arrived at the neurology wing and the brunette walked out. "See you tonight, loser!"

"I DIDN'T SAY YES!" Arizona yelled out as the neurosurgeon walked further away, seeing only her back.

"YOU DIDN'T SAY NO! EIGHT PM!" was yelled back to her without the brunette turning around and Arizona didn't need to see her face to know the smug look Amelia was sporting right now.

"Do you want a refill?"

Arizona raised one eyebrow, "I see how it is. Trying to get me drunk won't make it any easier to get into my pants, Dr Sheperd," she whisper-teased back as she handed the brunette her empty glass anyway.

"You wish, Robbins," the neurosurgeon snorted and got up. "Want some more Mer?" she asked to her sister-in-law.

Meredith was sitting onto the opposite end of the couch, Zola tucked under one of her arm and hugging Bailey with her other one.

"I'm good, thanks," the general surgeon replied kindly.

"Kids?"

Bailey looked up at her and shook his head while Zola replied no with her eyes glued to the TV screen. Merely two minutes later, the woman was back from the kitchen and Arizona had a new glass of wine into her hand.

"Okay, can we admit that Pocahontas is totally high? Paint with all of the colors of the wind? She wild."

"Yeah, cause a talking rabbit with a clock and a pumpkin transforming into a carriage are such common occurrences," Arizona deadpanned.

Amelia seemed to think about it for a while, her eyebrows frowning deep. "Can't say you're wrong here."

As the movie progressed, Bailey moved over to his auntie's laps and lay against her front comfortably. The pediatric surgeon spied with her little eyes the slow loving caresses Amelia did on his back or the occasional kisses she dropped onto his forehead. She looked so at peace at this very moment, the simple fact of observing them made Arizona feel like she was intruding though so her eyes strolled back to the TV before the brunette could catch her.

About two third through the movie, Meredith moved to straighten her legs and quickly looked around the room. Everyone was fast asleep, kids or adults. There was no way she was going to keep on watching a disney movie if she was alone.

"Wasn't that a blast," the general surgeon said, looking around at all the sleeping corpses slumped onto her couch.

She took Zola up to her room and put her in her bed carefully without too many difficulties. Her daughter didn't even stir as her mother placed the sheets protectively on her and kissed her forehead. While upstairs, she quickly checked on Ellis only to find her still asleep into her bed, her diaper dry. She walked back down as quietly as she could and gently shook the two adults awake.

Amelia's arms instinctively wrapped tighter around her nephew as she woke up. "Uh, did I fall asleep? Is the movie over?"

"What time is it?" Arizona asked at the same time.

"You all fell asleep. I'm not watching Pocahontas on my own," Meredith glanced at her son. His mouth was hanging wide open, drooling shamelessly all over his auntie's neck. "Figured you'd be more comfortable in a bed than on the couch."

"Thanks. Go to sleep, I'll put him to bed Mer."

Beside her, Arizona groaned slightly as she stretched out. That couch certainly wasn't good for her lower back, she could feel her tensed muscles aching for a more comfortable position.

"M'alright," the dirty blonde kissed her son's forehead. "Good night to you two," she said two both women and went up noiselessly, not needing to be told twice.

"G'night."

"Good night, Grey."

"I know it's not that late but you're more than welcome to stay here if you're too tired to drive," Amelia offered and got up, an arm holding Bailey's little butt and the other against his back so he wouldn't fall. "Plus, you had a few drinks. I don't think it'd wise to take the wheel."

Arizona raised an eyebrow and flirted, "Can't get enough of me, Sheperd?"

Amelia chuckled quietly to not wake Bailey up. "Never," she replied as playfully.

"You sure you don't mind, though?"

"Of course not," Amelia shook her head. "You can sleep in my room. Help yourself in the drawers. Meet you there in five? I'm going to put this little dude to bed."

The pediatric surgeon's interest peeked at the my room. "I'm fine with the guest room. I've slept in there plenty of time."

"Oh, you're cute," Amelia cued and Arizona could tell she was mocking her. "Der has three kids and his sister came crashing three weeks ago. You do the math and tell me who sleeps in the guest room."

"Right, your room it is then," she finally got up with a groan.

"Unless you're afraid you won't be able to keep your hands to yourself," Amelia joked.

Arizona rolled her eyes. "Please, you're the one with no filter whatsoever."

"It's not as bad as it used to be."

"It used to be worst?" she teased.

Amelia bumped her shoulder with hers and she scolded her good-naturedly, "Oh fuck you. Go put some pajamas on and go to bed Robbins."

"Only because you asked so nicely, sweetie pie," Arizona replied ever so tenderly ironically.

The brunette took Bailey to his bed and tucked him in. Meanwhile Arizona took in her friend's room since she had never seen what Amelia's place looked like. Granted, it was Derek's and Meredith guest room, but it was Amelia's personal space for now. The room was pretty tidy which lead her to think Amelia was a creature of structure and liked her things to be where they belonged. A chip was sitting onto her nightstand, shining lightly under the light. A few toys were laying around but with three kids, the house was bounded to have them everywhere. She opened the chest of drawers and searched for pajamas. When she found none, she settled onto a t-shirt and what seemed to be sweatpants. She sat onto the edge of the bed to take her prosthetic off and almost moaned at the mattress' softness. Her prosthetic calf propped underneath the bed in case she needed it, she eventually allowed her body to sink further into the inviting bed.

Teeth cleaned, Amelia turned off the bathroom light and headed to her bedroom. Arizona was already asleep under the covers, her mouth slightly opened, and the lights still on. Giggling, the neurosurgeon took her phone and snapped a picture of her friend. She shed her clothes of the day and since she didn't want to traumatize one of the only friends she had here in Seattle, she put on a t-shirt and some panties before sliding under the covers and turning the lights off.

Arizona woke up the next morning a little lost. Her pillow smelled weird. Good and familiar but she couldn't quite place it. Sleepily, she poked one eye open and glanced at the unfamiliar room, trying to figure out where she was. The chip onto the nightstand told her exactly where she was. Amelia. So that was why she knew that smell. Her two blues eyes opened and she yawned loudly. The neurosurgeon was nowhere to be found though. She sat up and took her time, straightening every one of her limbs as well as her back and neck. She was grabbing her prosthetic to put it on when she saw a piece of paper onto the nightstand along some Advil.

Got paged this morning, didn't wake you up cause I knew you were off today, so it seemed pretty cruel to kick you out just so you could go back to sleeping at your house. Der's home, so maybe don't make too much noise? He's a real Grinch if you wake him up, believe me. There should be some breakfast left if you want some. Advil should help the hangover. See you later

Amelia

Arizona must have been dead tired to not be awaken by a pager beeping. Since Sofia's birth, she had become a light sleeper. She was touched that her friend thought about medication in case she was feeling soso because of last night drinking but since she was just feeling tired, she left it onto the table.

Since Derek was sleeping, she decided to head home to shower and watch some mindless TV while sorting the clothes out of her dryer. She had been working a lot lately and it was starting to pile up. The pediatric surgeon was in the middle of sorting a sea of socks out when her phone rang. It was Amelia video-calling.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty. Feeling any better?" Amelia greeted her enthusiastically.

The pediatric surgeon recognized the cafeteria behind her and could hear some white noises filling the big room.

"Cinderella would be more adequate, I've been doing housework for what feels like forever," she angled the camera to show off the big pile of clothes still waiting for her. "And to answer, yes, your bed is incredibly comfortable. Felt like a warm cloud of softness. Thanks for letting me crash."

Amelia chuckled. "You were clearly tired, you fell asleep in record time. Kinda sucks by the way," she pouted, her bottom lip sticking out. "Had to call off the super-duper awesome slumber party I had planned for us."

"Damn!" Arizona laughed. "You mean it's too late to paint each other's toenails Barbie-pink while gossiping about the hospital's ridiculously hot doctors and blush like schoolgirls at any mention of S-E-X?"

"You forgot the junk food abuse, but yeah, pretty much," the other woman smiled.

Arizona shook her head. "I'll take a rain check on that. How did your surgery go this morning?"

"Tremendously well, as they always do," she said proudly. "You should have seen that tumor. It was growing all around the spine, squeezing it tight. It's a miracle that woman was even able to walk. It must have been growing for years! That thing was a beauty. It was benign but it was a real pain in my ass to cut off."

Even with the bad feedback, Arizona could see the passion animating Amelia's eyes. She radiated excitement and love whenever she talked about neurosurgery, it was captivating. The blonde couldn't picture her doing anything else. Brains were the other woman's life. Her purpose. They were the reason she got up every morning and the reason she could stay up all night. Her eyes would glow as she stared for countless hours at the same scans, trying to come up with the better approach possible. She was in love with her job.

Meanwhile, Amelia was kind of frozen too, too busy staring at Arizona to realize they had both zoned out. She looked pretty like this: her face bare of any make up, her still damp honey blonde hair pulled into a messy ponytail, a soft grin on her lips…

Amelia was kind of conflicted towards the slight pinch she was feeling towards Arizona. Sure, she had found plenty of women attractive before, that much wasn't new. But she had never been friends with them. She had female friends who were pretty but she wasn't attracted to them. She didn't playfully flirted with them back and forth like she did with Arizona.

But she wondered if it was because Arizona was the first lesbian friend she ever had. Maybe it was normal? The blonde didn't seem to think anything out of their easy and playful banter. She sure didn't tease Owen like this. Was friendship between queer people always like this? She felt like a bottle lost at sea, drifting away into a big ocean of questions and unspoken feelings. Why did she have to over-think everything so much?

A tray crashing loudly next to her sorted both of them out of their oblivious staring contest.

"Hey, who you talkin' to Sheperd?" Karev motioned to the phone with his head and dumped a handful of fries into his mouth.

Amelia looked at him disgusted, he had ketchup all around his mouth and he was chewing loudly. "Robbins," she replied. "Gosh, how does Wilson put up with you?" she muttered to herself more quietly and turned the phone so Arizona could see the both of them.

"Hi Alex," she waved at him and he nodded in acknowledgment.

"I operated on Matthew Crain today. Darn kid almost bled out on the table, his body was refusing to clot."

"Were you able to stop it?" she asked with worry and concern, her eyebrows knitting together.

"Yeah but we had to pass 3 whole units of red blood cells."

"Fuck."

"Exactly. But he seems relatively stable for now. We'll do a complete blood work later and the nurses should start heparins tonight. Oh, and Clarrissa Geller? Twelve years old, into animes, swears like a sailor when her parents aren't there?"

Arizona nodded, indicating she knew who he was talking about.

"She finally received that wig you guys ordered a few days ago, you should stop by and say hi."

Amelia looked at them with a frown.

"She has pancreatic cancer and chemo made her lost almost all of her hair," Arizona explained quickly to her friend. "Did she go for blonde or redhead?"

"Look Alex, I'm a fucking blonde now! That shit is so cool!" Alex Karev replied with a high pitch voice, trying his best to imitate their patient.

Arizona and Amelia giggled. "I'll make sure to go and see her."

"You'd make a fine twelve years old girl, Karev," Amelia joked.

"Fuck off Sheperd," Alex said lightheartedly and bumped his shoulder against hers.

"Are you sure you're allowed to swear like this, young lady?" the neurosurgeon taunted.

Arizona chuckled and Karev simply rolled his eyes, putting more fries into his mouth. "God, between you and her, I don't know who's worst."

"Sorry, I'm late," Amelia apologized as she entered the blonde's house.

She quickly discarded her shoes and coat and let out a deep breath as she relaxed.

"It's more than alright, Sheperd," Arizona said casually. "You're barely fifteen minutes late. I hope you didn't break any speed limits, I would hate to be the reason you get a ticket."

"I think you'll be alright then. I rarely speed up over the limit anyway."

"Good. Well, get in, make yourself at home," the pediatric surgeon motioned to her open space with her arm and an inviting grin. "What can I get you to drink?"

Amelia liked the way Arizona never questioned her choice of drink. She just accepted the fact that Amelia didn't seem to drink any alcohol. It made Amelia feel normal. The brunette was used to the weird looks, the questions, the insistence, the "come on, you're off tomorrow!". But Arizona didn't do any of that, which made her neurosurgeon feel respected and she was very thankful for her friend's consideration. Whether she was restraining herself to ask or simply didn't care, Amelia was grateful either way.

Like tonight for example. They both had the night off and Arizona had invited her over to watch some mindless TV and eat some Chinese food right out of the containers. She asked what she wished to drink, suggesting wine but telling her she also had plenty of juice if she'd prefer. When the pediatric surgeon came back from the kitchen to join her colleague onto the couch, Amelia was surprised to find her apple juice into a wine glass and offered a questioningly look to the other woman.

"That way you can feel fancy too," Arizona explained with a wink and sat down.

The neurosurgeon let out a giggle. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Some food network was playing into the background, both women paid it no mind though. They had watched the first ten minutes, if even that, before being pulled into deep conversation.

"No way! You went to Hopkins too?" Amelia asked, her eyebrows raised.

"I did."

"So weird that I never saw you around."

"You're younger than me and it is a pretty big teaching hospital so it's not that weird."

"Can you imagine, though? It would have been neat. Well maybe not," Amelia frowned as a few memories came back to her mind. "I was kind of train wreck back then."

"I have a hard time picturing you. You seem so sure about everything you do, so effortlessly poised," Arizona took a sip of wine. "And you're smart. Scratch that, I think Derek is smart but I think you're brilliant. I've seen you into the OR. You're quick, efficient, confident. And honestly a little smug about it, but it's part of what makes you charming I guess," Arizona said cheekily, a sly smile on her lips.

"You think I'm charming?" Amelia asked coyly and wiggled her eyebrows.

"I also said smug," Arizona pointed out and chuckled.

A few moments passed in silence and the blonde could hear the gears turning into the other woman's brain. Her gaze was focused onto the couch cushions, her fingers worrying the lose thread of one of the pillows nervously. Arizona didn't dare speak up, too afraid to break Amelia's deep train of thoughts.

"It took me a long time, you know?" Amelia eventually said and looked up at her, her eyes finding the blonde's vibrant ones and her fingers stilling around the thread. "To arrive to the version of who I am today. To be okay with it. To appreciate it. My surname used to be Hurricane Amelia for good reasons. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of when I was younger, but it made me who I am today. I may not like my past, but it definitely made me grow up."

Arizona had no idea what Amelia meant by that, it was merely a vague statement that left her with hundreds of possibilities to explore. However she could hear the openness in her voice, the hint of vulnerability and shame Amelia was trying so desperately to hide. The neurosurgeon suddenly seemed way older than she actually was for a few moments, wiser and more mature.

The words resonated in the blonde's mind. In this very moment, Amelia reminded her a lot of herself.

Arizona's hand covered hers and squeezed them softly. "For what it's worth, I like present-Amelia a lot," she said with a shy smile, hoping to bring some comfort to the neurosurgeon. "You're still a dork most of the time, though," she joked lightheartedly to lighten the mood and Amelia giggled, bumping their shoulders together playfully.

"Fuck off," she chastised, obviously not mad if her bemused grin was anything to go by. Her hand picked at the pillow again. "I was late tonight because I was at a meeting," the words rolled out of her tongue before she could really think about them, before she could over think too much about what or why she was saying it out loud.

"A meeting?" Arizona frowned, her voice warm and nonjudgmental.

Amelia could feel her heart thumping hard into her chest and the blood whooshed by her eardrums. Her lungs suddenly felt wrong, like someone had just knocked out the air out of them forcefully and she was almost nauseous into the pit of her stomach. Yet, the look onto the other woman's face, the thoughtfulness and somehow maternal kindness made her feel like she could confide the ugliest parts of herself to Arizona and she would still be there. She would be safe. So she carried on.

"AA," she tried to keep her tone flat, tried to chase the guilt and the mortified feeling that were overpowering her statement. "I try to go at least once a week."

The neurosurgeon didn't know why she felt like this. Maybe it was because Arizona was the first person she was telling it to out loud and that hadn't known her as a junkie. Maybe because she was kind of scared that it would change the friendship they had build in the little time she had been living in Seattle.

"I'm a recovering alcoholic. Also recovering drug addict. Almost two years sober," as easy going as she tried to be with her fingers crossed and false façade of confidence, it didn't come across.

The blonde could spot how uneasy the brunette truly was, and she could tell it took a lot for Amelia to tell her about this damaged part of herself. She felt honored that she trusted her enough to share. She suddenly remembered the chip she had seen Amelia playing with plenty of time, only now linking it to Amelia's confession. So she politely decided to let it slide, pretended that she didn't sense her apprehension.

Instead, she put on her most cheerful face and said supportively, "Well, congrats to you! Go Team Sober Amelia! Keep on kicking your addictions' asses," she offered her friend a high five and the neurosurgeon almost cried in happiness.

The pediatric surgeon was the first to react so positively to her addictions. People usually got weird with her after and they became distant, looking at her with pity in their eyes or repulsion, like she was less of her. Or like she was going to be break the moment things got hard. Like her brother did. Over protecting her and trying to fight her battles like she wasn't strong enough to handle them on her own. As if she wasn't strong enough to handle the whole human emotional spectrum without using when she was reaching the sad and despair part of it.

Sure, it wasn't easy. The crave was here, haunting her days after days, always with her lurking into the back of her mind. Every day, she willed herself to be stronger, to deny her brain's request for one more shot, for one more prescription drug, for one more high. And every chip she received felt like a small milestone. A small victory into this hard thing called life. It was sometimes hard to feel proud of herself for earning a new token when the only people in Seattle knowing about her addictions was her brother and his wife and they didn't really show any interest in her recovery. So, here she was, totally blown away by Arizona's reaction, who was looking at her the exact same way she did ten minutes ago.

The brunette forced the tears back in and the lump in her throat to go away. She quickly high fived Arizona's hand before it could get awkward and then pulled her in a tight hug. Arizona was surprised at first but embraced her back just as tight and when they eventually let go of each other, both were beaming.

"You, my friend, are something else," Amelia said as she took her sit back onto the couch, melting into it.

"I'm pretty exceptional," Arizona smirked and shrugged casually, happy to hear the other woman laugh.

"Uh?" Amelia looked around, a little lost.

"You were going to fall asleep," Arizona informed her as she placed a hand on the neurosurgeon's shoulder to keep her awake.

"Well, I guess I should head back to the house before it gets any later," Amelia yawned loudly and stretched her limbs, trying to shake her body awake.

Arizona's couch was way too much comfortable she decided and she got up in order to stretch her legs better.

"So you can fall asleep behind the wheel? I'd rather you crash here."

"Nah, I don't want to bother y-" she was interrupted by yet another yawn and put her hand in front of her mouth.

"Please, you're hardly a bother. I know you just pulled a long shift and you still agreed to come over to keep me company. You're more than welcome to stay if you want to."

"Mm-okay, but only because you insisted," she conceded fairly easily, she was feeling too tired to drive herself back to her brother's, there was no arguing about that.

The pediatric surgeon turned the TV off and got up with a small groan. "Come on, let's find you something to sleep in."

They both ventured to Arizona's room and the blonde rummaged through her drawers to find some appropriate sleepwear for her friend.

"Here," she handed a big tee-shirt and some legging to the brunette.

"Thanks, Robbins."

"I'm going to brush my teeth. I'll get your spare toothbrush out on the sink. You remember where the guest room is?"

"Of course."

Weirdly enough, the fact that she had a spare toothbrush made Seattle feel a little more like home. The spares Owen and Arizona kept for her made her feel welcome into their houses/ trailers, as stupid as it sounded. She quickly changed out of her day clothes and joined the pediatric surgeon into the bathroom. Arizona had already taken off her makeup and was now brushing her teeth, white minty toothpaste smeared all over her mouth. Amelia grabbed her own toothbrush and applied some of Sofia's strawberry toothpaste on it before sticking it in her mouth.

"Good night," the pediatric surgeon said warmly after she had finished her night routine.

"Night!" the brunette replied with a mouthful, and the toothpaste-filled smile she offered the blonde made Arizona chuckled.

The neurosurgeon was making her way back to the guest room, her bare feet walking down the cold wooden floor of the corridor, when she heard a hiss coming from Arizona's room. Slightly worried, she took a few steps back and since the door was opened, she knocked onto the doorframe.

"You alright in here, Robbins?" her concern was evident in her voice and she walked in, taking a sit at the foot of the bed.

Only then she realized that Arizona had no pajamas pants on. Her panties, leg and limb were out for the world to see. The few times Arizona had slept over at Derek's with her, Amelia would notice the lack of prosthetic under the sweatpants the other woman always used to sleep in and when she stayed over at Arizona's, she always slept into the guest room, so she had never been face to face with her actual limb. Never seen it in the flesh.

There was a difference between knowing and knowing. She was a doctor though, she had seen plenty of residual limbs before and staring felt inappropriate and an intrusion of Arizona's privacy so Amelia advertized her eyes, looking at the blonde's face instead.

The blonde winced lightly as her fingers dug near her scar to massage her skin, her features contorting into a small grimace as she did so. "Yes. It's just my prosthetic. I usually don't keep it on for that long so it was getting a little disagreeable. Skin got tender on that spot."

"Why did you keep it on tonight then?"

"You're here," she admitted, looking somewhat embarrassed and a blush came up to color her cheeks.

A piece of Amelia's heart broke at the statement and she felt incredibly embarrassed that she had made Arizona feel inadequate under her own roof.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't take it off. You know I wouldn't mind, right?" she took Arizona's hand into hers and squeezed it gently. "It wouldn't make me think any less of you or make me uncomfortable if that's what you're worried about. You'll still be my friend, Arizona Robbins, bad ass peds surgeon."

The small banter eased Arizona's mind and she felt a bit less self-conscious about it. It was weird how her uneasiness was almost nonexistent with one night stands, not thinking or caring about it at all, yet it lingered when she was with her friends. She felt like her emotions weren't working right.

"I-thanks," the blonde squeezed her hand back before letting it go.

"You're still a tiny bit less bad ass than me though," she smirked teasingly.

Arizona grabbed a pillow from behind her and hit Amelia in the face with it, a chuckle escaping her throat. The brunette barely had time to protect herself with her forearms.

"Fuck, this is getting violent. I'm going away before you find another weapon," she got up and yawned.

"Good night Sheperd,"

"G'night Blondie."