CHAPTER 5 – NOBODY KNOWS

Amelia and Arizona were the last ones still hanging out at Joe's. Again. It wasn't rare that either those two or either Owen and Amelia stayed even when the rest of their group of friends had disappeared a long time ago.

Today had been a complete and utter mess. City bus against trees had lead to emergencies after emergencies. Surgeons had been running around nonstop and pagers had kept on beeping all day long. Most of them had decided they could use a drink to unwind from this disastrous shift. Their friends and colleagues had left little by little, most of them too exhausted to stay up anymore, and before they had realized it, they had find themselves alone at their table.

Amelia was happily nursing her non-alcoholic drink and Arizona was somewhere in between tipsy and drunk, much to the neurosurgeon's amusement. She had already seen Robbins drunk quite a few times, and man, was she a ride. If the brunette thought Arizona was sweet and fun sober, she was absolutely cute and hilarious when drunk. She liked the way the blonde didn't become completely someone else, how she still stayed herself, her cheerful personality simply blooming out of its shell as alcohol flew through her veins.

"I guess the dreamy genes run in the family," Arizona said pensively, her eyes focused onto the neurosurgeon's features.

Amelia frowned at her, not understanding what she was referring to.

"Your brother. He has this surname at the hospital, Mc Dreamy," the pediatric surgeon explained, her speech barely slurred. "And you, you have this dreamy thing going on too."

"You think I'm dreamy?" she asked doubtfully, her brows furrowing.

She was Hurricane Amelia, ex-addict to drugs and booze but still addicted to bad choices, with a past of chronic depression, a dead fiancé and a dead son. Dreamy was the last thing people used to describe her. The word didn't even exist in the same plan as her.

"Yes! You get this shine in your eyes whenever you're talking about something you're passionate or care deeply about, like neurosurgery or your nieces and nephew. And your smile changes too, it becomes more radiant. Also, the hair and blue eyes undeniably help," Arizona replied truthfully with kind eyes.

Amelia just sat there, her smirk growing slowly as the blonde sitting in front of her was word vomiting. "That is some very bad flirting, Robbins," she said in a fake serious tone and quickly took a sip to hide her smile.

"Oh my god, I'm not hitting on you! I swear," Arizona apologized hurriedly, suddenly realizing how her little speech might have sounded, and she hoped the lights wouldn't make her upcoming blush too obvious. "I'm so sorry! I was just, you know, pointing out the facts that make you dreamy. I didn't mean to imply anything by it. I'm really sorry."

"Now, you're just going to upset me," the other woman teased her with a pout. "Am I not girlfriend material enough for you?"

"I think it's time we cut you off," the blonde laughed. "All those virgin Mojitos are getting straight to your head, Sheperd."

"Please! You're gay and I'm bi. Between the two of us, nothing is going straight anywhere," Amelia chuckled.

"I guess they'll have to stay on standby," Arizona joked back awfully, she was totally going to blame that terrible pun on the wine, and both women giggled.

Only then Amelia's brain registered what she had just said out loud. Oh, shit. Her heart sped up in her chest and she felt her cheeks heat up instantly. Coming out, by mistake, for the first time ever, at almost one AM at Joe's bar really hadn't been on her to do list this morning when she had woken up. There was no going back now. Better Arizona than another one of their colleagues, she thought.

"You alright?" Arizona asked, her eyebrows furrowed in concern at the sudden stop of Amelia's laugh.

"I guess the cat is out of the bag, then," Amelia said self-consciously, her hand clenching around her glass ever so slightly.

"I already knew, Amelia," Arizona giggled and took a sip.

"No, you didn't. I just told you," she said, obviously doubtful.

"Honey, I did," the pediatric surgeon said reassuringly and softly took the other woman's hand which was resting on top of the table, giving her a supportive squeeze.

"How? Is it that obvious?"

"It's not, I just have a good gaydar," the blonde explained. "I've seen you innocently flirting with a few female members of the staff. It's cute by the way, the way you're trying to stay discreet. Almost wondered if I wasn't making it up for a while. And I've also seen you checked out more than enough men to know you at least find them attractive. So, I figured you were either bi and predominantly attracted to men, or either I was getting delusional from my dry spell and I was starting to see things."

"How did you know you weren't?"

"I came across your Tinder profile," Arizona smirked smugly, her eyes shining with self-satisfaction and alcohol.

"I had just moved to Seattle, I didn't know anyone. I was trying to make friends, okay?!"

"Friends, sure. I've heard that one before. If I remember right, that was an interesting amount of cleavage you showed in your profile picture for friendship," she said playfully.

"Fuck off," she threw a paper towel at the blonde with a giggle. "I deleted my account a few days ago anyway."

"Why?"

"Living at my brother's and managing casual sex at the same time isn't really the brightest idea. Plus, I realized that I'm not quite ready to go back out there, even for fun. I want to focus on me for a while instead. Work, friends, my nieces and nephew…"

"That's good," the blonde said encouragingly.

"Can you not tell Derek? About me being bi?" the neurosurgeon asked shyly, she felt kind of guilty to ask the other woman to bear her secret. "I'm not ashamed or anything, it's just… it never came up? I mean, I've always been attracted to men and women but it turned out all the people that I've been interested in or dated so far have been men so I've never felt like I needed to shove my sexuality into my family's face. They would be even more impossible than they already are with my love life," she rolled her eyes, imagining how much nosier her siblings would get were they to learn that Amelia was attracted to both sexes, "Why bring it up if it's not an issue, right?"

"Ow, you're a baby bi, that's so adorable!" Arizona said drunkenly into what Amelia referred as her mommy voice since she used it primarily with Sofia and the sick tiny humans. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me about this, even thought I had already figured it out. It means a lot. And don't worry, I'm not going to say anything."

"You're not?"

"Why would I? Coming out is a really personal thing, you should be able to do it on your terms and conditions," Arizona frowned. "I do have a question though: what happens if you ever get interested in a woman?"

"Guess I'll cross that bridge if I ever get there," the brunette said, not bothered in the least and then her brows furrowed, looking at the blonde with an inquisitive look. "Robbins?"

"What?"

"Did you swipe right or left when my picture came up?"

Arizona almost spat her wine out and a hiccup escaped her.

The doorbell ringing at four AM surely surprised Arizona. It effectively woke her up and for a few moments, she didn't dare moving in her bed, in case the offending sound had just been a trick of her mind. Unfortunately, it rang again, more urgently this time. She whined unhappily at the prospect of getting out of her warm cocoon but did it anyway. Irritated and annoyed, she got out, grabbed her crutches and wrapped a blanket around her before going to answer the door.

The pediatric surgeon was mid-yawn and still rubbing her sleepy eyes when her blue orbs landed onto a fairly disheveled Amelia. The brunette looked somewhere between worried, guilty and embarrassed. Her fisted hands were buried deep into her jacket's pockets, her puffy reddened eyes had difficulty to look up from the ground and her shiny cheeks instantly let Arizona know she had been crying not so long ago.

"Amelia?" she asked confused.

"I-I'm sorry to bother you," her eyes briefly looked up but as soon as they met Arizona's, they were back down. "I-uh, I was at the hospital an-and there was this big car accident. It didn't really-uh, go well, I guess. Nor-normally I would go to an AA meeting, but it's li-like four am. I was hea-heading back to Der's but the kids are asleep and Mer and Der are sleeping too and I-I don't, I don't wanna be alone right now and I didn't know-," this time, her saddened blue eyes stayed up as she let out a deep shaky breath. "I need a friend."

Arizona felt her heart shattering into her ribcage and an urge to console the other woman ignited from somewhere deep inside her bones. Amelia looked so damn broken at this very moment. And it hurt to see her in pain like this. So tortured by whatever past traumatic events that she didn't even trusted herself to be alone right now.

It reminded Arizona so much of herself, when she was still grieving her leg and her divorce. As if for a few moments, she was looking straight at her reflection from a few years back into a mirror. Thankfully, her breakdowns were getting rarer and rarer nowadays but she still had a few bad days. The ones where she would end up calling April or Callie in the middle of the night because she needed someone. Someone to tell her it was just all a bad dream. Someone to tell her she was still alive. Someone to comfort her, to care for her.

And she knew how embarrassing and shameful it could feel. Asking for help. It wasn't such an easy thing to do. Deep down, this little voice would always tell her to just get over herself, to not bother someone else with her problems… And it would take guts to shut that voice up and ask for that comfort. So it warmed Arizona's heart to know that Amelia trusted her enough to come to her. No wanting to make her friend feel even more down than she already was, Arizona gave her a warm smile and slightly opened her arms.

"Come here, sweetie," she invited gently.

The pediatric surgeon didn't need to say it twice. Amelia propelled herself into her arms, making Arizona loose her crutches in surprise. Her head hid into the crook of her neck, instantly seeking the protectiveness it offered, and Arizona could feel her body melting as she wrapped her arms around her friend's waist. She let the brunette cried her pain out as she whispered sweet nothings to her. April liked it, she always said it made her feel a little better and it never failed to appease Sofia, so Arizona hoped Amelia would feel the same about it. Her hand rubbed her back up and down slowly until her cries subsided. She didn't know how long they had been standing there, into the middle of her entryway with her front door open. It would be futile to even care, Arizona would have gladly stayed here all night long if it was what Amelia needed but unfortunately her right leg was starting to hurt.

"Amelia?" she cued softly to get her attention.

Amelia sniffed in an effort to pull herself back together and pulled away from the embrace slowly. She was slightly puzzled when the other woman stopped her from getting away by holding onto her. She looked up at her confused, to which Arizona grinned reassuringly.

"Would you mind getting me my crutches please?"

Amelia looked down, noticing them for the first time since she had been here. They must have made a pretty loud noise when they had reached the floor, but she honestly had been so focused that she hadn't even heard them. She offered one of her arm for Arizona to hold onto and bent down to collect them.

"Thanks."

"I-uh, you're welcome," she replied sheepishly with the smallest smile the pediatric surgeon had ever seen.

"Do you want to take a shower?"

Amelia could feel the sweet maternal vibes coming off from Arizona. The infinite care and tenderness had kicked in at the sight of her friend in distress. The blonde probably hadn't even realized it, the little glint sparkling inside her bright sleepy eyes told it for her though. She was suddenly comforted in her choice to come over here instead of Owen's. While Owen and her shared a special bond, the redhead lacked this specific parental vibe. Weirdly enough, it put the neurosurgeon more at ease.

"I-uh, that would be great, yeah," her hands went back into her pockets, still a little embarrassed.

"Come on then, let's find you some pajamas and then you can finally get a well deserved night of sleep."

Amelia stood into the corridor for God knew how long. She was standing in between Arizona's room and the guest room, not knowing which way to go. She had slept over plenty of time, always in the guest room. But her mental state hadn't been that low back then. She hadn't been feeling this miserable or this fearful of how close she was standing to the edge of doing a big fucking mistake. After a few minutes of pep talk and weighing the pros and cons over and over, she followed her instinct and knocked softly onto the wooden door.

"Come in."

Arizona didn't think she had ever witnessed Amelia looking quite this small. The strong and independent woman that had stood in front of her into her surgical scrubs this morning was nowhere to be seen. The pajamas she had landed her seemed to eat her whole. Her fingertips pulled nervously onto the sleeves so they weren't visible, the top hung loose onto her thin frame, her wet hair sticking to her scalp made her look even thinner and her abashed face did nothing to help. Now barefoot, she had lost the few inches her shoes offered her onto Arizona.

"Is it alright if I sleep here with you?"

Arizona opened the comforter next to her, wordlessly inviting her in and cleaned up her book. They both laid on their side, silently facing each other. Amelia was curled into a fetal position, ostensibly trying to take as little space as possible into the bed. She wrapped one arm around her legs. That movement alone seemed to put more distance between them than any amount of physical distance ever would. By this simple gesture, Arizona knew Amelia's defenses were going back up.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Arizona still whispered.

Amelia shook her head. "Can we just… stay like this? Please?"

Arizona nodded and had to stop herself from reaching over to offer physical comfort. The pediatric surgeon watched silently as the other woman's gaze grew hazier, her eyelids heavier, the sleep deprivation taking over her features. She watched as her breath grew even and she finally fell asleep, stopping whichever mental war had chosen to test her today.

Then, and only then, Arizona allowed herself to go back to sleep.

The first thing the neurosurgeon saw when she opened her eyes the next morning (or was it simply later the same day?) was Arizona sat up against the headboard, her tablet into her hands and her tousled honey blonde hair cascading down her shoulders. She blinked a few times, her eyes were stinging her, her head felt like someone was trying to drill a screw inside her skull and the sunlight did nothing to help her. She squinted hard, getting accustom to the light and stretched her limbs a little.

Feeling the bed digging next to her, the pediatric surgeon noticed Amelia was slowly waking up instead of seeing her into the agitated sleep the other woman had been in almost all night. Arizona felt her heart slow down in relief.

"Oh, hey sleepyhead. You're up," the blonde greeted sweetly and put her tablet aside to focus only onto Amelia.

"Morning," the brunette voice was hoarse. From crying or sleeping, she wasn't sure. "Do you have any water?" she asked groggily.

"Thought you might need some," Arizona grabbed the glass of water from her bedside table and handed it to her friend.

"Thanks," she sat up and eagerly took a few sips. "What time is it?"

"A little after ten. How are you feeling?"

Amelia released a deep breath. She had no idea of how she was feeling. Guilty for sure, for having bothered her friend in the middle of the night because she had been too overwhelmed with self destructive thoughts and self doubt. She knew it was a good thing that she had reached out last night, that she had acted onto the aching urge of a high by seeking someone. But still, it let her uneasy now.

Maybe it was because her friendship with Arizona was still relatively new. Sure, they had shared things about their past and she knew about her addictions but they hadn't seen each other vulnerable yet. They had never witness how bad their respective traumatic past had fucked them up. How anxious and distraught they would sometimes get. And somehow, letting Arizona see her exposed like that, emotions on display and her heart on sleeve, felt almost … intimate. Here she had been standing, waiting for the pediatric surgeon to glue her broken pieces for the night.

Her friends in LA had seen her at her worst and she trusted them implicitly to let herself be vulnerable in front of them. She knew they would always be there, no matter what. But she didn't have anyone like this here, in Seattle. Not even Derek had seen her at rock bottom. So, it felt like she had taken a giant leap of faith in Arizona. To be the one she could turn to.

And it turned out she had been right to trust her guts, because Arizona had known exactly what to do. She hadn't judged her and simply took her in without asking what was going on or why she was ringing her at four AM. Amelia couldn't help but wonder it maybe it was because they were both so fucked up. So fucked up that they knew better than to ask and expect an explanation.

So the neurosurgeon didn't really know she was feeling. She was feeling too much and couldn't really focus on one emotion alone.

"Emotionally exhausted but physically pretty rested," she answered honestly. "I'm sorry about last night, I didn't mean to bother you. I know I woke you up and-"

"Amelia-"

"-I probably should have called or something. What if you had had Sofia? Thank god she-"

"Amelia-"

"-is at Callie's. I can't believe I hadn't th-"

"Amelia," Arizona said louder and firmly put a hand onto her shoulder.

The neurosurgeon stopped.

"You don't apologize for asking my help okay? Not now, not ever," she squeezed her shoulder gently. "When you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on or simply someone to kick your butt when you're being a dumbass, I'm here, okay?"

"You don't know how much this means to me," her face relaxed.

"We all need someone," Arizona shrugged nonchalantly. "Do you want to talk about it now?"

Amelia took a deep breath, trying to no let her emotions take over. Arizona could tell the other woman was conflicted about sharing whatever had caused her to be so distraught last night.

"Hey, don't feel pressured. It's alright if you don't want to. You don't owe me an explanation for crashing."

"I want to, someday. When the time is right?" Amelia looked at her friend with a shy smile.

"When the time is right," Arizona repeated with a big reassuring smile.

"What were you doing?" she motioned to the tablet with her chin, glad to change the subject.

"Tindering," the blonde answered with a blush, as if she had been caught red handed.

"Can I swipe for you?" she asked, excited at the prospect of helping her friend.

"Absolutely not," Arizona snorted.

"What? Why?" she asked with a frown, slightly upset.

"Because your taste in women sucks, that's why."

"What? No it doesn't!"

"Please, remember the blonde at Joe's a few days ago?"

She squinted her eyes and pointed an accusingly finger at the blonde. "My taste is great, we both agreed she was pretty. I just have a shitty gaydar, that's all. Pretty please?"

"Fine, you can help me choose. But I'm in charge of the swiping."

"Yes ma'am."

Arizona unlocked her tablet and logged back into her account.

"Oh, she's pretty. Swipe right."

"No, her name's Sofia. That would be too weird," the blonde swiped left. "Too young," she swiped left again. "Too old," she swiped left. "Well, hello Mandy."

"Damn. She's a lawyer, good. She has two dogs. She loves cooking, especially Italian recipes, and is a little OCD with cleaning. Oh, look, she says she's looking for a fun time. God, if you don't swipe right, I-"

Arizona swiped left.

"Why would you do that? She was amazing," Amelia slapped her arm gently.

"And so was the big shiny wedding ring adorning her ring finger onto her profile picture," Arizona said sarcastically.

"Oops?"

Arizona was scribbling a few notes onto her patient's chart at the nurses' station when suddenly, two little hands appeared in front of her eyes and a giggling voice was asking her excitedly "Guess who!"

Her pencil stilled onto the paper as she identified Bailey Sheperd's voice. She decided to play along his little game.

"Is it Derek?!"

"No, guess again!"

"Mmmmh, Owen?" Arizona pretended to think it over, stroking her chin as a sign of deep concentration.

"No!" the little hands then disappeared, her eyes squinted at the sudden light and she turned around to see the boy in Amelia's arms, giggling. He pointed at his chest with a proud smile, "T'was me Zona! Bailey!"

"Darn, you got me good Bailey boy!"

The neurosurgeon gently put him down with a huff. "You're getting too big for this nonsense, B," she chastised, the grin on her face told she really didn't mind though.

The blonde looked down and saw Zola and Bailey talking animatedly. Ellis was sleeping peacefully into the baby carrier against her auntie chest, her pacifier safely tucked into her mouth.

"Nanny duty?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yep. Mommy and Daddy are working and Auntie Amelia loves her nieces and nephew so much that we decided to have a little party tonight. Pizza and twister."

"Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen," Arizona said playfully.

Zola perked up at the word party and looked up at Arizona with a serious expression. "It's a secret. You can't tell mommy or daddy. It's a school night and we're supposed to go to bed at half past eight."

"Well, I can see why Auntie Amelia is so popular," the pediatric surgeon teased the other woman.

"Oh, come on! It's not going to hurt them to go to sleep a little later than usual every once in a while."

"I promise not to tell anyone guys," she reassured Zola and the little girl visibly relaxed.

"You want to come over?" the neurosurgeon offered.

"I'd love to but I have Sofia this week."

"Even better then. The more the merrier."

"Can Sofia come, Arizona? Please?" the African American little girl asked her, her big black eyes looking up at her pleadingly.

"Yes, pretty please?" Bailey asked right after, his face mirroring his sister's.

"You're going to get four really sad Sheperds if you say no," Amelia said with a small pout.

"You play dirty, Dr Sheperd," Arizona said pointedly.

The pout on her new friend's face made her stomach twist into a weird yet very familiar way. Why not go after all? Sofia and her had no plan for the night and she really didn't felt like cooking after the shift she was currently pulling anyway. What was the point in eating take out at home when they could share pizzas with friends and have an enjoyable night?

"Is that a yes, Dr Robbins?" Amelia asked hopefully.

"Yes," she replied solemnly.

Both kids cheered happily, thanking her.

"Awesome!" Amelia exclaimed, as excited if not more than the kids and Ellis stirred a little at the disturbance.

"My shift ends in an hour though."

"Great, gives us just enough time to bath Ellis and then stretch out real good so we can be extra flexible at Twister and beat your as- beat you and Sofia," she quickly caught herself before saying anything inappropriate in front of the kids.

Amelia's bright grin alone was enough to convince Arizona she had made the right decision to say yes. "See you soon then."

"See you!"

"I can't believe you eat Hawaiian pizza," Arizona said.

Both surgeons had put the kids down to bed and were now sitting in Derek's living room, chilling with a glass of wine/orange juice. At first, she had planned for them to get home afterwards but Sofia and Zola had begged for a sleep over and Arizona couldn't resist them. She couldn't resist their huge and pleading deep chocolate eyes.

The game of Twister had been a total blast and even though Arizona's prosthetic hadn't allowed her to play as well as she once would have, she still had a fantastic time. The kids hadn't stopped laughing the entire time and seeing Sofia so happy had made her heart swell with love inside her chest. She lived for her daughter's happiness, for that adorable grin and those bright eyes of hers.

"I can't believe you don't," Amelia teased back.

"See, this is why you and I will never date."

"Oh, out of all the reasons you could choose, that one is the deal breaker?" Amelia asked, laughing.

"Absolutely. Well, that and the fact that you always put the thermostat on boiling," Arizona chuckled.

"I do not!" Amelia pretended to be offended and put a hand her chest.

"You're kidding, right? Your room is literally the warmest place of the whole damn house. It's like 80° Fahrenheit in there!" she kidded.

"Fuck off! It's not!" she laughed and swatted Arizona's leg gently. "I used to live in LA?" she tried to justify, cringing at her own words.

"That's the worst excuse ever. Even you're not buying that bullshit."

"What can I say? I like to be warm."

"Yeah, that I noticed Sheperd," she teased with a warm smile.

"I like that you call me Sheperd," Amelia confessed, suddenly serious and no longer bantering.

"What do you mean?" the other woman frowned, not sure what the other woman was implying by that.

"You're one of the few that doesn't call me the She-Sheperd or the other Shepherd. I appreciate it," the brunette said shyly.

It made her feel valued, and for that, she was very grateful to the blonde. To make her feel important as her own individual rather than as Derek's little sister like most of the hospital staff did.

Arizona pursed her lips, like she was going to say something but choose to eventually abstain. Honestly, Amelia must be tired to always live in her brother's shadow. Arizona couldn't imagine living up to someone else's expectations all the time, every surgery of every day. Amelia didn't talk about it a lot, but the other woman could tell she felt under a lot of pressure and the blonde hated that. She hated that need that people had to compare them. The brunette was a fantastic neurosurgeon on her own. She wasn't Derek's little sister, she was simply Dr Sheperd, a talented and gifted neurosurgeon.

"You're a great neurosurgeon, Amelia. I feel lucky to have you in our hospital," she squeezed her upper arm, hoping to convey how much she meant it. The small thankful smile that Amelia gave her in return told her that she did and Arizona grinned back confidently.