A/N: Thanks for sticking around!
Chin on the table, eyes blurring, I saw the empty bottle in front of me.
I did it again.
Record time, probably. I felt horribly sick to my stomach, and somewhat ashamed at my state. If alcohol never solved any of my problems, why was it always my last resort? Darkness skirted the edges of my vision, and I knew I was going to black out. Before doing so, I fell forward onto the table and then off of it and onto the floor. Jonesy stood above me, grimacing in pity and disapproval as he watched me pass out.
L-L-L-L-
I blinked my eyes open and there I was again, clinging to the muddy canyon wall, rain hitting my face and the wind whipping my hat off my head. Thunder rumbled above head and drowned out the cries of the cattle.
I crawled up the canyon while the herd stampeded, and I ran along the top when I finally made it. Looking down into the canyon, I could see the countless steers racing each other through the sheets of rain. Lightning struck a tree in the distance and it exploded into a fireball of white light. I winced at the enormous boom, but knew I had to find out where Andy and Jess went.
Darn that Andy! Always trying too hard to help.
Attempting to block off the steers at the canyon entrance was, in actuality, a bad idea on his part. He knew he wouldn't be able to do it, what was he trying to prove?
When I finally slid to a halt at the end of the canyon, I looked down into the gorge and spotted the drop off. I also witnessed all of Lee's beeves toppling over the side, one after the other, smashing onto the ground and then onto each other's lifeless corpses. It was like a mountain of beef, slowly getting bigger with each wave. It had to stop soon! It didn't. They kept coming, and they didn't stop coming; it was an endless stream.
Horns, facing downwards, stabbing into squirming cows below, blood spurting into the rain, running down the pile of flesh, mixing with the water and mud to make a gory combination of earth and animal.
My heart racing, I snapped my gaze from the bloody scene in front of me and searched the stampede for any signs of Jess or Andy.
"Andy!" I screamed, eyes darting back and forth from one cow to the next.
I caught a flash of yellow in the dark and the scene before me was illuminated by another flash.
Jess was on the edge of a ledge, reaching his arm out to Andy, who was mounted on a bleeding Juniper. Andy was so close to the drop off, my breath was stolen right from my chest.
Save him!
Jess lurched forward and grabbed the back of Andy's soaked shirt right as Juniper was shoved over the ledge and onto the pile of corpses more than thirty feet below.
I could suddenly see Jess's face pinch and his arm muscles strain, his back tensing as he tried to lift Andy up onto the ledge with him. He paused momentarily and then tossed Andy in the air by a few inches, grabbing his yellow bandanna.
The scarf tightened around Andy's neck for only a second before it unraveled and Jess's arm went slack. I saw the outline of my brother falling, flailing, plunging to the rocks below.
"NO!"
My voice was shrill, a lump forming in my throat and tears welling at my eyes. I couldn't breath, my chest felt like it was caving in and my heart was doing back flips.
I saw Jess continue to stare down into the massacre of beef, face blank and hand still clutching the bandanna.
How could he?
I trusted him! He-he…he let him go! Andy is dead, oh my god. God, god, lord in heaven let him be alive damn it! This isn't happening, this is a nightmare, this is in my head.
I stumble forward as the rain starts to let up and the thunder fades. The last few steers have made their way down the slope of corpses, safely running off into the Wyoming wilderness, and out of sight.
I race to the edge of the canyon and slide down the side, mud coating my chest and legs and countless jutting rocks bumping my ribs and making my body ache. There was no time to worry about broken bones, now was the time for action! I had to find Andy.
I made it down past the drop off and fell backwards into the mud, hitting my head on a rock and swearing. I flipped back over and splashed into a puddle, slipping and falling to my knees when I tried to get to my feet. I half walked, half crawled to the pile of corpses and dragged myself up onto the nearest steer.
"Help me!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
The last surviving drovers surrounded the scene, their faces gaunt and eyes blurred with the struggle of the night. "Help!" I ordered, now furious with their lack of action.
Rick, Ace, and Jim all ran forward and began hauling mangled steers from the pile. Lee was now behind me, trying to help me with my share of the pile.
"Slim, you're-"
"Shut up and help!" I barked.
I was angry, desperate, horrified; my brother was surely dead. How could this happen? Jess had every chance to save him and he didn't! Why in the hell didn't he just hold on? He did this, he did this, he's finally done it. I always knew he was no good!
What are thinking, this is Jess you're talking about, the sensible part of me argued.
Once a criminal always a criminal…everybody knows it, my emotion driven alter ego quipped.
You're going mad Slim, you need to calm down.
Calm down? My brother is somewhere under these thousand or so godamned steers and I'm supposed to be calm?
Your anger is getting the best of you, the men can see it. Andy will be fine, you panicking isn't going to help, not one bit.
Shove it, this isn't fair!
Of course it isn't, but there is no one to blame, not even yourself.
There has to be someone, this wasn't an accident!
Do you even hear yourself?
I didn't ask for this!
You're being unreasonable.
But Jess! I told him to save Andy!
This has nothing to do with him.
He let go.
Yes, maybe so, but-
HE LET GO.
No, stop this.
HE…JESS…LET GO….
Stop. Please. You are not right about this.
Of course I am, I saw what happened! I swear to God, if Andy is dead, I will MURDER that man.
I didn't even know what was happening in front of me as thoughts galloped through my mind. I was going crazy wasn't I? Crazy with anger and grief. I had not once experienced this kind of rush previously in all my years on this earth. I was practically tearing the flesh off those dead cows, trying to move them. I was up to my shoulders in blood and I was nowhere close to slowing down. I grunted and hissed, giving it my all. The men started backing off as they saw the blood splatter my face and slick my hair and skin in crimson. I felt inhuman. My strength now was like I had never felt it before. One steer was nothing to me. A firm grasp on two horns-Heave!
Tossed aside, like it was nothing more than a troublesome weed in the garden.
Then I saw it: Andy's boot, sticking out from underneath three steers. My eyes widened and I hit my knees, sloshing through the blood and mud and rain, digging, trying to free him.
"Andy!" I shrieked.
L-L-L-L-L
I blindly wandered down from the canyon top and down past the drop off. The other men saw me, and Lee gave me a worried look. He was biting his lower lip and his forehead was creased with anxiety. My eyes were heavy and my will was weak, but I knew something was up, and I needed to know what.
Please don't let them find Andy dead!
Jim glanced towards the cow pile and back to me. He was trying to get me to pay attention.
I exhaled with defeat and looked towards the pile again, this time seeing Slim on his hands and knees, hauling steers away from a small stack of three or four cows.
He was furiously throwing them away, and his face and arms were sticky with blood.
Who's blood?
That's when I saw Andy's boots stretched out under a steer.
God almighty.
Slim finished dragging the last steer off and fell down next to the lifeless body of his brother.
Oh my God…no.
"Andy," he choked out weakly, ever so gently scooping him up and cradling him in his arms.
Andy's head fell back out of Slim's arms and his mouth hung open, blood seeping from its corners.
"Please….no," Slim pleaded.
Lee closed his eyes and tilted his chin downwards, while the other drovers looked away.
I couldn't.
My mouth was agape and my gaze was still lingering on the twisted and bloodied body of Andy Sherman, the boy I tried to save, and failed miserably.
"Andy, no, no, no…" Slim started to sob, his shoulders wobbling and his head falling forward onto Andy's chest. His sobs came out slowly and turned into saddened moans. I had never heard such despair in my life, never such mourning.
He had lost his everything.
Tears streamed down his face as he tilted his head back towards the sky. Dawn was just a rumor by now, yet the clouds started to part and the rain had finally stopped. All was quiet across the land except for the wails of someone who had lost their world.
I could feel my heart sinking and a lump of grief rise in my throat, my eyes welling with tears and knees growing weak.
I looked down at the yellow bandanna I still held in my hand and then back at Slim.
Slim very slowly laid Andy down in the mud and slid his arms out from underneath of him, resting his palms on his lap. He stared at his brother's corpse for a few moments, before he spotted me.
Awh hell no.
His face was blank, but then turned into the face I never ever wanted to see. He was pissed. Like a mother bear looking for her missing cubs. Only, Slim knew his cub was dead.
He got to his feet and took his now reddened gloves off, tossing them on the ground and not once removing his eyes from me.
I didn't know what to say, what to do, or how to console him. I thought I understood how he was feeling, I loved Andy so much, maybe even more. I was wrong.
"Slim, I-…I'm sorry" I murmured.
Slim's eyes grew wide and his fists clenched. Lee saw what was about to go down and raced over to Slim.
Before he could make it, Slim ran forward through the mud, determined like a freight train to bowl me over.
"You son of a-" he shouted, but was cut ff as he lunged at me, both his palms making contact with my shoulders. I was shoved to the ground and the breath was knocked clean out of me.
Our eyes met and what I saw still sticks with me to this day.
His blue eyes were on fire, wild, crazed, violent. He was determined to kill. I knew it, I had seen it before. Once, in a wolf, right before he killed my cousin, Bill.
Somehow, I knew my life was in danger.
However, I refused to fight, especially for something that I knew wasn't my fault. Right when he looked at me, I knew he needed to take his anger out on someone, and that someone was me. Did he even see what happened? Surely he knew it was an accident? An enormous accident, but an accident all the same! I did what I could, Reasonable Slim knew that! But Crazed Slim apparently didn't. I had never seen Slim like this, his hands were now clamped around my neck.
"Fight me you coward!" he growled through gritted teeth, slowly choking the life out of me.
I simply did not give in; Although, I wanted to deck him.
His weight was on me, his grip now growing tighter and sweat from his forehead ran off his face and onto mine.
Jesus, he was strong.
Black spots formed at my vision and I made the worst gurgling sound as I struggled to breathe.
"Slim! Please!" I hissed.
His face was that of rage, and he was nowhere near stopping his endeavor. He wanted me dead, and by God, he would have his way.
"STOP!" Lee yelled, tackling Slim and holding him down on the ground.
I gasped and sat up, promptly hyperventilating until I could catch regular breaths.
The drovers just stood and watched, pity written all over their faces.
"Thanks for helping out you guys," I muttered before getting to my feet.
"You did this!" Slim shouted, struggling against Lee's arms around his chest.
What could I say? It was my fault Andy was gone. I still hadn't even processed the magnitude of the event yet, and it felt strange. I felt no more remorse then than if Andy had been some kind of expendable object. Where was my sorrow? Where were my feelings? Logically, I knew this was bad, but the sadness was no longer there. Had the adrenaline of the fight kicked all the grief out of my system?
"I'm sorry, I tried to save him," I replied quietly.
Slim looked simultaneously helpless and disgusted.
"You dropped him!" he argued, still pressing forward against Lee's grip.
The other drovers glared at me, as though they were taking Slim's side. Y'know, I could hardly blame them, it sure did look like I was the bad guy here. Maybe I was.
I stepped forward, hands up in submission.
"Please, Slim," I started, "Let me expla-"
I couldn't even finish before Slim pushed backwards against Lee and turned around, grabbing Lee's gun from its holster. He aimed it past me and I felt my heart drop. A shot rang out as he pulled the trigger and a searing pain ripped through my left hand. I screamed in agony and fell to my knees, clutching my hand. What was going on?
This wasn't Slim! It was his face, but the man behind it was now a stranger to me. I looked up, teeth clenched, glaring at Slim. He looked vaguely astonished, as if his intentions were merely to frighten me with a warning shot, rather than to actually wound me. The damage was done, but it was more than the physical pain that brought me to my knees. It was the sheer incongruity of his actions that had me dumbfounded and feeling betrayed.
I gasped through the pain and still held my bleeding hand, watching the blood gush from it and onto my pants.
"Why?" I rasped sadly. Had we really come to this?
"That hurt?" Slim sneered, tossing the gun backwards to Lee, as if he had, with absolute certainty, willed to shoot me. "Yeah, does it? I'll bet!"
I stumbled back to my feet, my knees shaking with the effort. The wind had suddenly picked up and whipped my wet hair into my face. I stared him down, regardless.
"Slim stop this right now, please listen!" I begged him, all prior calmness in my voice now vacant. I was now an eternal abyss of anger and confusion, wrought by nothing more than an uncharacteristic act by someone who I thought was my partner. Slim pursed his lips and furrowed his brow at me.
"No you listen!" he commanded, "You get the hell out of here."
The whispering wind whistled throughout the landscape as I hesitated with my response. I felt a coldness reside inside of me, a feeling I hadn't felt in a coon's age. The sensation of utter loneliness and knowing that this was the end of the tracks. Get the hell out? Where did that come from? Wherever it had come from, he meant it, perhaps not completely, but some extent I knew he wanted-needed-me gone. This was my one chance to oblige him, whatever the reason.
"Fine," I finally replied, my voice also cold.
"And don't come back this time," Slim added, starting to turn away.
I jerked my head up from my gaze at the ground to see if he was serious. I saw him looking over his shoulder as the wind caught his hair and covered his eyes. This was a joke of some sort! I didn't quite fancy it.
"Slim-" I began to argue.
"I said don't come back!" Slim snapped, turning back around to face me, "You're no longer welcome here!"
Those words cut through me like a hot knife. Was this goodbye? It couldn't be, not again. Goodbyes were all I had ever known. I thought this was where I belonged! Was home no longer sacred? We were a family, and I was told I was always welcome. It all came back to me, racing through my mind, hundreds of bittersweet memories. All of us together, Slim, Andy, Jonesy, me. Laughing, crying, fighting, working. The small battles we'd won as a team, the hard obstacles we'd overcome to stay together, we fought for each other's sake. We'd never let each other down, never abandon one another. We did whatever we could to stay as one. I don't think there was ever I time after I had bonded with Slim that I wouldn't have given my life for the man. He meant that much to me, and I owed him everything; and it was all gonna be gone, just like that.
"You don't know what you're saying," I tried to sway him. But I knew it was futile.
Something told me Slim knew very well what he was doing. His face fell and all anger and accusatory actions were leaving him, instead, in their place came despair and desperation. He was plain out giving up.
"I know enough to know that you're no good!" he shot back despondently.
" It's your fault Andy's dead!" he concluded.
Another shard of what felt like ice pierced my heart and my breath was gone; no, this couldn't be. I wasn't to blame for this? Or was I? So many questions fluttering in my head, that I didn't know which emotions to feel.
"Don't say that!" I implored, voice cracking.
The wind still roared around us and it was catching the drovers' hats, tearing them from their weary heads and gifting them to the Wyoming wild. I saw my lost hat flick towards me across the muddy ground and I scooped it up with my good hand, holding onto the one thing that was truly mine.
"I will say it, because you know what?" Slim bickered, "It's your rebellious ways and refusal to acknowledge a higher authority than your own damn self that rubbed off on him and caused him to disobey me! You've been a bad influence and people like you never change!" There was no hatred, no vengeance, just misery.
"How dare you," I growled, now feeling very much rubbed the wrong way. Tell me to leave, fine. But insult me to face, especially my independence that I held so dearly? What audacity!
"How dare I?" Slim echoed outrageously, "How dare you stick around this long! Why don't you get lost?"
I clamped my hat back on my mussed and wet hair, standing up straight and squaring my shoulders, to show that I was going out undefeated.
"Alright," I retorted curtly, "I know when I'm not wanted."
I turned around and headed towards Traveler in the distance. His survival was miraculous, but simultaneously unsurprising.
"Bout time you figured that out!" Slim snorted.
I cast one last glance at my friend from over my shoulder before I left for good.
"You're dangerously close to digging yourself into a hole you can't get out of Slim," I warned him.
"So are you." was all he said.
I broke my gaze away from him and strutted off into the rocky landscape, not once looking back. I was never going to look back. There was no more past, no more home, no more "there". I was headed off into my own life, my own choices, my own faults, taking my own orders from now on. I didn't need to be held responsible for things that I had no part in. The future was the only thing that lied ahead for me, however uncertain it may be. I had to again leave my old life behind me. Dwelling on things that once were was the key to dissatisfaction. I needed to get away from here, away from this. I started running as fast as I could, boots splashing through the mud and rocks and hand aching with the wind tearing through it. My breath came out in huffs, but I knew I couldn't stop until I got to Traveler. I held onto my hat as I ran, my stomach sore with hunger and a mixed bowl of feelings that I didn't think I could ever take the time to sort through. "Yeah that's right!" Slim's voice called from behind me, "Run away like the coward you are! Don't even think of showing your face around these parts again or I'll blow your head off! You hear me?"
Oh, I heard him alright. Trust me, I was never coming back.
A/N: Geeze this story is a downer. Don't worry, things will lighten up eventually. You gotta get through the bad times to make it to the good times.