CHAPTER 23 - STORMS
The neurosurgeon was woken up by the sweet smell of breakfast and strong coffee emanating from the kitchen. She patted around the bed with her eyes still closed but came up empty handed so she decided to get up. She lazily stretched her limbs around on the bed, taking as much space as she wanted since she was alone and she smiled happily as she realized how fucking awesome her life was at the moment.
She was an awesome surgeon who did killer surgeries that helped people. She was in a committed, stable, loving, drug-free relationship. She had a child in her life and even though she wasn't as significant as her moms to Sofia yet, they had a great relationship and it was only growing stronger every day.
She had just celebrated her thirty months of sobriety yesterday. For the occasion, Arizona had come with her to her NA meeting last evening and had snatched way more pictures than necessary of Amelia receiving her new chip. Then they had come back home, and the pediatric surgeon had offered her a present. She had handed her a small box and Amelia had gotten really curious. She had opened the lid only to find a small token inside. However, this one had been quite different from the one she had gotten a little earlier at her NA meeting since this one had been engraved.
The back had been engraved with Sofia's writing, reading "Te quiero a lot 'Melia" with a small heart drawn just below it and the front had been sporting a quote, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference". Amelia had almost shed a tear right then and there. She had mentioned that this quote had adorned her tokens when she had been going to meetings in LA, how she had used to stare at this quote for hours on end when her cravings had been bad and how it had helped her. The fact that the other woman had remembered had made her heart flutter in her chest and her belly had filled with thousands of butterflies.
The best part had come right after though. The part where Arizona had showed her exactly how proud of the brunette she had been feeling by showering her with orgasms until Amelia's body couldn't take it anymore. Ironically, the neurosurgeon couldn't remember the last time sex had felt so good and she hadn't been high.
Arizona was freeing her. The neurosurgeon wasn't living in fear anymore. She could talk freely about her past, her insecurities, her dreams… She could be herself, no hiding. She could let herself be vulnerable and yet still be the strong woman Arizona could lean on when she needed support. It had been a while since she felt like her life wasn't falling apart and that she actually wanted to get up and enjoy the ride.
Arizona was quietly reading in the living room when she heard feet shuffling against the floor coming towards her and a few seconds later, she felt the back of the couch move and Amelia's face appeared on her left shoulder.
"Hello sleepyhead," she bent her head backwards to get a better look at the brunette. "Slept well?"
"The best," Amelia kissed her languorously and she could taste the caffeine on her girlfriend's lips. "Coffee?" she asked with hopeful eyes.
"There's a cup waiting for you in the microwave."
"You're awesome," she went to the kitchen to heat up her drink, the microwave displaying eleven AM. "Fuck, I must have been pretty tired to sleep that late."
"I didn't know if I had to wake you up or not, but considering last night, I just decided against it. And you looked so peaceful, I didn't want to disturb you," Arizona said from the couch.
"Thanks."
"I totally snapped a thousand pictures of you drooling over your pillow though," she teased playfully.
Warm mug in one hand and an apple in the other, the neurosurgeon sat down next to the blonde on the couch who was still nose deep in her book. She turned the TV on and changed the channel until she found the desired cartoons, setting the volume on low to not disturb Arizona's reading. One hand wandered onto the blonde's thigh, absentmindedly caressing it as she was absorbing the Scooby Doo episode.
Arizona kept on pretending to read, her eyes instead looking over the pages' edge to stare at the natural beauty that was Amelia Sheperd first thing in the morning, fresh out of bed. Hair down and tousled, eyes drowsy, the small pillow print across her cheek and last but not least, her-
"You're not very good at pretending to read Zona," Amelia said, her eyes not leaving the TV screen.
Arizona arched an eyebrow up and Amelia tilted her head to look at her, a smug smile on her lips.
"You didn't turn a single page since I sat down."
"Sorry," Arizona blushed, a little embarrassed to have been caught red-handed.
"It's okay. You can stare, I don't mind. I stare at you all the time."
"You do?"
"Hell yeah I do. Especially at your cute butt," Amelia wiggled her eyebrows playfully.
"I don't know what I expected," Arizona rolled her eyes.
"It's true though. I spent a lot of time looking at you, wandering what the hell did I do right to score such a perfect partner like you," she tenderly squeezed the other woman's thigh. "You're the Juliet to my… wait, Romeo doesn't really work here. I obviously shouldn't have chosen that one. I totally should have gone with Thelma and Louise. But I guess I'm committed now, so I'm going to go with other Juliet?"
"Dork," Arizona giggled and leaned in to kiss the other woman sweetly, "I love being the Juliet to your other Juliet."
Arizona and Amelia had the very unfortunate chance to discover that they were both scared shitless of thunderstorms at the same time.
It had been raining over Seattle since mid-afternoon and when both women had eventually gone to bed, the raindrops softly hitting their windows had lulled them right to sleep. However, the rhythmic and almost soothing raining had turned into a full rage on storm in the middle of the night.
The rain was now colliding forcefully and loudly with anything standing on its path, which woke the blonde up. The characteristic smell of the rain invaded their bedroom, slowly but surely chasing away the sweet homey reassuring smell usually reigning in the room, instead filling it up with a the smell of wet concrete and muddy grass and plain coldness.
Arizona could feel her anxiety growing more and more present with each passing minute, her sleepy body coming alive in the most unpleasant way. She wiggled around to face Amelia and sank further into her embrace, burrowing herself further under the warm covers and into her partner's arms, hoping it'd alleviate some of her inner tension.
Storms reminded her of the plane crash. When they had been stuck onto this stupid piece of land, storms had come and gone for days only to freeze them to the bone, their cold wet clothes clinging to their already chilled skin. She remembered the way the mud surrounding them had smelled, the way the rain had left every one with blue lips and blue fingertips, the way it had made them look just that much closer to death, the way it had attracted even more animals to Lexie's lifeless body, the way the powerful roaring of thunders had kept them up for hours on end, the way she had kept on hugging Mark closer for warmth… She remembered it all.
Nowadays, every storm, no matter big or small, it made the nightmare come to life again.
A thunder roared in the distance, and she couldn't help the yelp that escaped her. She closed her eyes harder than she needed to, squinting them shut until they hurt a tad but welcoming the pain anyway since it distracted her, even if it was only for a few milliseconds. She silently willed the storm to go away and she focused on her breath, deep breath in and slow breath out. Repeat over and over. Amelia's heartening smell filled her nose and she tried to visualize the beach with the calm waves.
But thunders kept on roaring and the small waves were harder and harder to visualize. The pediatric surgeon could feel chills running down her spine in fear and her throat started to tighten against her will. She felt Amelia jumped at an especially loud unpredictable roar and Arizona opened her eyes. She could feel her girlfriend's body slightly shaking and shivers running under her fingertips all over her body. Amelia was definitely awake.
"Amelia?" she asked tentatively.
The brunette sniffled. "Sorry, did I wake you?" she asked in a shaky breath.
Arizona could tell she was either crying or either was about to. She backed away from her safe place under the neurosurgeon's chin and moved up to look at her. Sure enough, a few tears were staining Amelia's cheeks and her eyes were red.
"No, I was already awake. The storm woke me up."
She turned on her bedside lamp dimly to reassure them and calm their uneasiness. A loud thunder made itself known again and both women jumped.
"Sorry, I'm scared of thunderstorms," Amelia confessed with a shaky voice.
"Me too. Reminds me of the plane crash," she provided without any further details.
"Reminds me of my dad getting shot," Amelia dropped in reply and at this very moment, Arizona's heart sank and she wanted nothing more than to protect her against the world.
It was the brunette's turn to bury herself into Arizona's arms. She put her ear near the blonde's ribcage to listen to the soothing rhythm of her heartbeat however, it did little for her anxiety since Arizona's heart was beating as fast as hers if not faster.
Amelia could feel her throat constricting and she had to fight back for air to come into her lungs. She tried to take deeper breaths but she couldn't. Her lungs felt wrong, like weights were crushing them down, making it impossible for them to fully expand and leaving her a little more breathless with each breath she was taking in. The fact that she couldn't breathe like she wanted to, like she needed to, made her panic even more and her crying intensified at her inability to control her own respiration.
Arizona noticed the change in Amelia's breathing, she was almost panting against her neck. Shaky fingers found their way into dark hair and softly combed through them, the gesture grounding not only Amelia but also herself.
"Breathe in, breathe out," the woman winced at how unconvinced she sounded. Even she could hear the fear in her voice. She tried again, faking confidence. "Breathe in, breathe out baby. You're okay. I've got you. Breathe in, breathe out."
Fake it 'til you make it, right? Arizona thought as she kept on whispering sweet nothings for the both of them. The blonde felt Amelia's breathing quiet down, instead letting place to sobbing. She figured sobbing was better than hyperventilation and felt relieved to have helped the other woman calm down. The brunette's hands gripped her pajama top tightly, as if she was afraid Arizona would fly away, and her tears smashed against the soft material. The blonde's heart slowed down, not quite beating within the norm yet but still a lot less faster than before, the loud sound of blood rushing in her ears now sounding more far away.
Shaky fingers kept on running through brunette hair. Arizona was fearful that if she stopped the slow repetitive movement, her breathing would skyrocket again and her body soft-shakings would evolve into unruly spasms. Trying to comfort Amelia from a panic attack while suffering from one at the same time hadn't been on her agenda for today.
They were almost back to normal when another, more powerful and more loud thunder roared awfully closer than either of them would have liked.
Amelia's quiet sobs increased exponentially once more, weeping loudly and her breath turned from almost-back-to-normal to erratic. She gripped the fabric tighter and tighter, her knuckles turning white but no matter how forcefully she held onto her partner's top, it never seemed to be enough. She could her Arizona's own crying coming to her ears despite the uncomfortable buzzing in them. She could feel the blonde's whole body shaking against her own, fingers not longer playing calmly with her hair and Arizona's comforting words transforming into painful cries.
Arizona felt helpless, panic overtook her body and she couldn't do anything about it. Even if she tried to think of the beach. All she could picture was a tsunami coming her way, the calm waves hitting melodically the shore were nowhere to be seen anymore. Instead, dark grey sky and force ten waves stared back at her and she just stood there in the wet sand, the raindrops and the cold wind harshly hitting her face. She couldn't move, she felt trapped into her own body. Her systems were shutting down one by one and there was nothing she could do about it.
Vision became blurry with tears and panic, oxygen was harder to breathe in, limbs shook violently, blood pumped into her ears louder… Suddenly, Amelia's own tear stricken face appeared right in front of her and firm yet gentle hands cupped her cheeks, thumbs chasing the tears away unsuccessfully. There were too many of them to simply be wiped away.
"You do not get to pass out on me, okay Robbins?" she ordered confidently. "You do not leave me alone in this mess, I need you. You have to stay with me," her voice broke and she sniffed. "I know I'm being selfish right now but you have to breathe for me. Because if you faint, I don't know what I'm going to do to take the edge off. So I need you to be okay so I can be okay too. Do you understand?"
The neurosurgeon appeared firm and driven even though Arizona knew she was feeling just as shit-scared as her inside. The blonde nodded, though she wasn't sure the brunette really saw it since she was shaking all over.
Moreover, the fact that Amelia had admitted out loud that alcohol and narcotics were lurking in a dark corner of her mind to help her deal with her anxiety only motivated the blonde to further calm down. She knew it wasn't healthy that Amelia's choice was either her girlfriend either drugs to deal with unusually big panic attacks but in this moment, she'd have to do. There was no way she'd let Amelia relapse after celebrating her thirty months of abstention just a few weeks ago.
Hands came over her ears, covering the harsh sound of raindrops crashing outside and she was rolled up on top of the brunette into a tight hug. Amelia wrapped the sheets impossibly closer to them, engulfing them with warm and unconsciously and unrealistically thinking this cocoon was going to protect them from the bad stuff happening outside, somehow make them untouchable. Shaking and crying were overwhelming them with such force it was hard to discern who was doing what.
Amelia's arms were squeezing Arizona tight in fear, but the restraining was preventing her wild shaking and it was actually soothing the pediatric surgeon. It made her lungs feel trapped though. Confined into such a small space, it made it impossible for them to expand fully. She looked up into dark blue eyes, the usual adoration and playfulness filling them overpowered by nothing but sheer terror and the blonde had no doubt she was sporting a similar look. The brunette tried her best to smile, it looked more like a grimace though.
Her shakes had almost subsided, so Arizona sat up onto her girlfriend's belly to clear her waist since her lungs were screaming for more air. She couldn't take her eyes off Amelia's. She couldn't stop looking at the only thing in the room keeping her in the reality plan instead of sending her straight to nightmarish plane crash dimension. However, while the blonde needed the restrain embrace to stop in order to breathe properly, Amelia was on the opposite side of the spectrum.
"Nee-need my b-bag," the brunette begged, out of breath.
Willing her tears to stop, the pediatric surgeon quickly moved and fumbled around in the bedside table's drawer to find one of the many plastic bags they kept all over the house. She straddled back the other woman's hips and the neurosurgeon placed it over her mouth eagerly, breathing in and out of it. The loud cries became a distance sob but both women's erratic breathing carried on. One of Amelia's hands fled to Arizona's ones to bring them to her naked shivering ribcage and gently pushed down onto it.
"Pressure, n-need it," she mumbled in between two sobs.
Arizona complied, pressing the ribs down and she noticed the hint of thankfulness in her girlfriend's eyes. The blonde focused on feeling the irregular up and down movements slowly return back to the normal rhythm right under her very hands. She could feel her own lungs opening up, finally seeking air like she was breathing for the first time. She enviously took a deep breath in and coughed at such an intake of air.
This time when the pediatric surgeon cried, it was because she could finally breathe normally again. Tears of relief. As she reached the end of her anxiety attack, the storm outside settled down and left Seattle with only a light rain, raindrops now brushing almost harmoniously against street lamps.
Serene bright blue eyes could see Amelia quieting down at her own success of finally breathing. The pressure on her lungs decreased and the anxiety bursting through her veins lessened. The neurosurgeon put the plastic bag aside, not feeling like she needed it anymore. Amelia couldn't say how long they stayed like this. Just looking at each other in the dimly lighted up room, making sure they were okay and safe and sound.
"You're shivering," Arizona said as she saw the shivers adorning her girlfriend's skin.
"I'm getting cold," Amelia provided back but made no move whatsoever to act on it.
She wasn't ready to let the moment go just yet. She needed a break in silence, only looking at the pediatric surgeon's now serene eyes and peaceful features. A moment to appreciate the way her body was sinking into the comfortable mattress, now hyper-aware of the soft expensive sheets against her naked back. A moment to absorb what had just transpired. A moment to let herself be vulnerable and defenseless and let her girlfriend see her in this state. Because she needed her to see.
She needed Arizona to see that she was fucked up too. That deep down, under the layers and layers of protection they put on every day, they were just the same. Just two women with a trouble past that had left them scarred and broken down and in dear need of therapy and accessorily petrified of thunderstorms. But they were dealing with it, together.
The blonde seemed to get that as she did nothing but just stared back her, her hands now gently resting over Amelia's ribcage, her thumbs caressing her skin lovingly. The brunette grabbed one of them and brought it to her lips to softly kiss her palm.
"Tired?" she asked knowingly.
"Exhausted," Arizona confessed shyly. "It's been a while since I-uh, since I had a panic attack this violent."
Because that what it was. Anxiety slowly creeping up on you out of nowhere and suddenly submerging your body and turning it against you until you couldn't do something as simple as breathing, it was violent.
"Me too. I feel like I need a fourteen hours power nap."
Arizona glanced at her bedside table. "Fourteen hours might be difficult, however we still have four hours until our alarm."
"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep after this."
"Me neither," Arizona looked down and Amelia could see her pondering so she waited for what was coming after. "I'm scared I'll just have a nightmare. About the, you know, plane crash," she tried to shrug it off nonchalantly, as if it wasn't a big deal, but the crack in her voice and the pain in her tone betrayed her.
After a long moment of silence, Amelia proposed, "I-uh, I don't really trust myself right now. Can we-," she sighed and adjusted a lock of hair behind her ear. "Can we take a warm bath or watch mindless TV or whatever? I need something to distract me from the bad memories."
The other woman nodded with assurance and nothing but care and tenderness shined in her eyes. She took a hand in hers to softly kiss the other woman's knuckles. "That sounds wonderful."
Amelia entered her office and was taken aback to find Arizona and Sofia playing Uno at her desk. The sound of the door had apparently alerted them both of her presence and they looked up from their cards. Sofia carelessly dropped them as a wide smile spread on her lips and she ran towards the brunette to hug her knees.
"Hola Amelia!" she greeted cheerfully with a toothy grin while Arizona quickly fixed their mess up.
"Hi buddy!" Amelia said, surprised and scooped the little girl up in her arms by grabbing her under her armpits. "What are you guys doing here?" she kissed Sofia's forehead, the artificial smell of strawberry of the little girl's shampoo tickling her nose.
"Surprising you!" Big black eyes looked straight at her, sparkling with excitement. "Mommy made me a balloon, look!" she pointed to the air-filled latex glove tied up with surgical suture lying on the couch.
Sofia had drawn it two eyes and a smile, or at least Amelia assumed that was what the black doodles adorning it were supposed to be.
"Wow! Lucky you!" she said proudly to the brunette and high-fived her.
Arizona joined them and delicately kissed her girlfriend. "Hey sweetheart."
"Aren't you supposed to be in OR 3?" the neurosurgeon asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Karev took the case," she shrugged, "So I took Sof' out of daycare and I thought we could have dinner together before we call it a day and head home."
Amelia felt her heart flutter. Arizona was always so thoughtful and warm and loving with her family in every little thing she did, no matter how small. Like waiting for her so they could have dinner all three of them together.
She gave the blonde an appreciative smile. "I would love too. Are you hungry buddy?"
"SIEMPRA!" the little girl shrieked and rubbed her belly eagerly.
"Her stomach has been rumbling for the last fifteen minutes. I thought a monster was living under your couch for a minute," Arizona teased her daughter and Sofia chuckled.
"Better feed it before it starts to eat itself then," the neurosurgeon tickled the kid's side playfully.
The small latina tried to wiggle out of the torturous fingers so Amelia put her back on the floor and Sofia took a hand of each woman in hers as they walked towards the cafeteria.
"Is Mama eating with us too?"
"Mama already finished working for today, so no sweetie," Arizona replied and squeezed her daughter's hand. "But maybe she can come over this week end so we can have a big dinner all of us together," she looked at Amelia for her agreement.
The brunette just smiled in reply. It had been quite a while since Sofia had had more than five minutes with both of her moms at the same time so a meal together would be nice.
Amelia knew that Arizona was still feeling hesitant to broach most things Callie-related, trying to tiptoe the subject most of the time and while the brunette understood where she was coming from, she thought it was pretty ridiculous. Callie had been and still was an important part of Arizona and her daughter's lives, so it felt natural for her to be around them and to talk about her freely. The brunette was actually really glad that Arizona and Callie were getting along. She knew it had been a long and hard road for them to get to where their relationship was standing today. Moreover, Amelia liked Callie, she was a talented surgeon, an amazing mom and a very interesting person to talk to.
She made a mental note to herself to talk about it later with the blonde before smiling widely to her girlfriend in support.
"That would be awesome. Would you like that Sof'?"
Amelia was glad to notice Arizona's body relaxing.
"Si! It would be so awesome."
"Gosh, she talks like you now," Arizona faked an annoyed tone and she rolled her eyes to tease her girlfriend.
Once at the cafeteria, Arizona scooped her daughter up in her arms so she could see the food choice and choose for herself while Amelia took whatever the little's girl was picking on her tray. As soon as she was done, the blonde put her back down on the ground.
"You find us the best table, okay baby?"
"Vale mommy," she looked around and spotted a familiar redhead playing vigorously on her phone. "April!"
The ginger perked up and saw Sofia coming towards her. She quickly scanned the area only to find Amelia and Arizona at the checkout.
"Hello kiddo!" she greeted and pocketed her phone.
"Can we eat with you please?" Sofia politely asked with big doe eyes April couldn't say no to.
"Sure."
She gently pushed the chair in front of her and the kid sat down. However, she frowned when she didn't see any food.
"Did you already eat?"
"No, 'Melia took my food on her tray so I could get us a table."
Two trays landed next to them on the table with a soft cling and the couple sat down.
"Darn, could you guys fit anymore veggies and fruits on your trays?
"Well, sorry for eating healthy, Ma'am French-fries and greasy-hamburger," Arizona teased back and Amelia started to give Sofia her things.
"Excuse me for wanting to enjoy my first meal since breakfast," she took an extra-big bite out of her burger and hummed loudly to the blonde with a big smile.
Arizona laughed. "You got sauce all over your chin."
April's smile fell as quickly as it had appeared and she whipped her face with her napkin.
Amelia leaned conspicuously toward the little girl sitting next to her. "Wanna see a cool trick?"
Sofia nodded enthusiastically.
The neurosurgeon looked at the redhead and then over the other woman's shoulder, "Hey, isn't that Dr. Summers over there?" she tilted her head towards the other end of the cafeteria, frowning to accentuate the truthfulness of her statement.
"Where?" the redhead asked.
Both April and Arizona turned around and the brunette sneakily stole one of her fries, directly putting it into her mouth. Sofia erupted in giggles which made Arizona immediately turned back around, suspicious about the reason behind her daughter's chuckles.
"Nevermind. Probably was someone else," Amelia dismissed with a wave of her hand and April went back to eating.
"What are you giggling about, Sof'?" the blonde asked, knowing something was up but not knowing what yet. She looked at her girlfriend who had a mischievous smile on.
"Nada, mommy," she said as she tried to keep her chuckles in by eating.
"Hum-hum," the blonde said with squinted eyes, obviously doubtful.
"Relax babe. She's just happy to eat with Kepner."
"Is that right kiddo?" the trauma surgeon asked.
"Si! Did you save a lot of people today April?" she asked, visibly excited.
"As a matter of fact, yes I did Sofia."
The pediatric surgeon coughed in her fist and teasingly muttered a "Cocky," before coughing again. The ginger glared at her and nudged her shin with her foot under the table.
"Ow!" the blonde shrieked more in surprise than in pain and both brunettes laughed at their antics.
"I did," April looked back at the little girl, "A big bus accident happened but we managed to save everyone who was injured."
Sofia's eyes grew as wide as sausages. "All of them?"
"Yeah, but I wasn't alone. We were lots and lots of doctors! But enough about me, what did you do today?"
"I got to hang out with Tucker all day at daycare!"
"All day?" Amelia asked and pretended to be overly-surprised.
She knew Derek was off today so it was more than likely that the Sheperd-Grey kids had passed the day with their daddy.
"Si. We built a very high tower with kaplas, like it was mas grande que Tucker mommy! But then it fell down and dios mio," the little girl said, overdramatically letting her head fell backwards and her hands fell by her sides. "It took us foreeeeeeeeeeever to clean up."
All the adults at the table giggled, Sofia was so theatrical and adorable when she talked, it was almost impossible not to crack up.
"I had lunch with mama and I gave her the drawing that I had done for her. She said it was pretty and that she'd put it up on the fridge next to my perro drawing."
"What did you draw for mama?" Amelia asked in a light tone.
"Sirenas, 'cause they're mama's favorite magical creatures."
The three surgeons looked at each other with confusion written all over their faces, hoping that one of them would understand what Sofia was saying.
"What's a si…sirina, honey?" Arizona eventually asked.
"Sirena," Sofia corrected without thinking and then pulled a funny face, obviously focusing on finding the right English word for it. "Like Ariel? You know, the princess? She has a flipper and she lives underwater."
"A mermaid! Ariel the little mermaid!" April exclaimed proudly.
"Big fan?" Amelia smirked playfully and raised an eyebrow at the trauma surgeon.
The ginger looked back at her, appalled. Not only was her best friend teasing her but also her partner now. "You guys are terrible influences. See how mommy and Amelia are being mean to April, Sof'?"
Sofia simply giggled, hiding her face behind her hands. "They're just being silly! Mommy and 'Melia are never mean."
"Thanks baby," Amelia smirked at the redhead, the I-totally-win hanging unspoken in the air and then dropped a kiss on her daughter's forehead.