A/N: Sorry for the delay. I'm not dead haha. Thanks for sticking with this! Let me know what you think and feel free to offer any suggestions. I really appreciate your kindness and support! :)

I woke up in my bed, confused, dizzy…perplexed. I was darn sure I had passed out on the floor last night, I had seen Jonesy standing above me. Now I was nicely tucked in, the sunlight from my bedroom window streaming in and hurting my eyes.

I groaned and rolled back over into the bed sheets, just wanting the world to go away. My alcohol induced hibernations were the only way I could escape my problems. It was my coping mechanism. It was unhealthy, sure I knew that. I had tons of unhealthy ways of coping with my problems, and drinking was probably, surprisingly enough, the least destructive. I remember what Ruth had told me. She said I was maladjusted! That I grew up too fast and couldn't properly metabolize changes so I compensated for the seriousness in my life by being emotionally immature despite going through a lot of bullcrap. Where was the lie, though?

Getting drunk as a skunk was the easy way out. Just like our relationship…I chose the easy way out of that too. I had always chosen the easy way out…of everything. That's what she said. I finally broke it off with her a few nights ago, and I think that's another reason I started to search for my problems at the bottom of a bottle. Andy, the ranch, my expenses, Ruth, the impending doom that was winter, and….Jess. What else could I do? I didn't know what to do. No one could help me. Hell, even if they could, I'd refuse their help. Because I'm "difficult".

Ruth thought she could see through all of my ruses, she thought she knew me better than anyone else. She went from aggressively supporting me and praising me to belittling me and shining the light of shame on all of my supposed "issues". She swung so fast when I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore. Like they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Boy oh boy, was that true as all get out.

Honestly, I feel like she overreacted. I'm not really sure, however. We were together for two years, and maybe she felt like I had led her on, or wasted her time or something. I mean, I can't be held responsible for a risk she decided to take. I told her from day one I didn't know if it was going to work out at all. She liked me, maybe she even thought she loved me. I didn't know how to feel at first. After each outing, I grew fonder of her. She was an attractive young lady, and any man would have been lucky to have her. I knew that, I told her that. I still don't know why she chose to stay with me. But I felt honored, somewhat? But maybe….obligated to feel as strongly about her as she did about me. I felt the slightest hint of pressure.

Ruth had always been so good to me, I valued her, I never wanted to lose her. I thought that making a feeble effort to return her feelings would result in me falling head over heels for her. I think deep down, I knew I was never going to feel the same. Yet, I let her listen to me, and do me favors, and I had no intention of returning her feelings at that point. I wanted to keep her, so I put on this charade for two years, with the knowledge that I'd have to break it off sooner or later, weighing heavy on mind. It was a rotten thing to do, I know that much. We were so close, we were best friends. I wanted her in some part of my life, but the spot she wanted could never be filled by her. I just didn't see her as my number one.

When it finally came time to tell her that, I messed everything up. Instead of facing her like a better man would have, I made a point of avoiding her. I didn't want to see her, so I foolishly stood her up several times. I thought that maybe that would send the message that I didn't want to be with her anymore. It was the most low-down thing to do to her, but at the time, it seemed like the easiest way out.

"You thought avoiding me would solve your problems?" Ruth yelled. She was furious, she paced back and forth on the porch, her skirt swishing in the night air every time she turned. I could see the stars in her eyes as she looked at me, tearful.

"You never even tried to figure out a responsible was to let me down," she rasped quietly, "You chose the easy way out because you just didn't care enough. You outright rejected me instead of face your own lies…."

I tried to bring her in for an embrace, thinking that a "I'm sorry" and a warm hug would, in some way, make everything better. She threw my arms away and backed a few steps towards the hitching post.

"I had no problem with you deciding to let me down. I can respect that, but your actions leading up to this disappointment are what I want you to consider and understand! You led me on for two years! You have devalued me! You were so curt, insincere! You made me feel expendable by standing me up like you have. You made me feel like another notch in your belt of lost causes….maybe I am. Either way, you've disrespected me and made me realize that you are never, ever, going to be worth my time. I let our friendship cloud my judgment of your character because I expected so much more from you. I kept letting things fly, I let you press my weak spots and play with my breaking point, which you evidently thought was non-existent or you just didn't give a damn!"

I didn't know what to say, other than to sigh and rub my forehead in exasperation. She glared at me and continued.

"I thought I would be the only one who would be able to offer you a free pass every time you wronged me, but I realize I was hurting myself by letting you get away with things….I hope you know you're losing the best thing that ever happened to you!"

She crossed her arms and looked down at her boots, trying to stifle a sob.

"I lost that a long time ago…" I muttered unconsciously. I should not have done that…not then. It was poor timing.

"Ohhhhh!" She screamed, "Won't you ever get over Jess? You act like it's the worst thing that has ever plagued your life!"

I pursed my lips and inhaled deeply; I didn't want to raise my voice at her, but she had hit a nerve.

"It's hurt me more than you could ever know! You've never had anyone abandon you for someone or something better-"

Ruth stormed up to me, so we were standing with our chests almost touching. Her chin was up, and her dark eyes were flaming.

"You think just because you had a rough start in life and bad luck, that gives you a free pass to be an entitled horse's ass with a piss-poor attitude. You profess your hatred for people as if they were all in on the murder of your family!" She spat, "This pity-party you belong to? It doesn't exist. So man-up and take responsibility for your actions and stop with all of this negativity. It's all rooted in your decision to drive Jess out, it's toxic, it's ruining your life, and your relationships!"

"You think I don't know that? I know what's happening, everyone is leaving me becau-" I tried to argue, but she didn't let me finish.

Ruth backed away and put her hands on the back of her head, giving me a hopeless look. Her forehead was wrinkled with anxiety, and tears were streaming down her face.

"Nobody left you! Nobody ever abandoned you! No one ever threw you aside for someone better! That's you making excuses for your abandonment issues. You pushed them away, you made them leave! They didn't want to be part of a low-end, abusive, one-sided, toxic friendship. They didn't want to feel unwanted and unloved, and it didn't take them long to realize they didn't need you. All you ever did was drain them, and you drained me. So now you can add me to your long list of traitors who just don't understand. Just know it's not me. It never was. It is all you. You told me you never wanted to lose me, but you did everything that said you didn't want to keep me. Just like Jess, I got tired of your actions to show up. I got tired of your lies. I got tired of waiting on you to become the person you're making no effort to become! I'm glad you drove Jess out, he deserved better anyway! Just like I do!"

With that, she jumped over the hitching rail, mounted her horse, and galloped off into the autumn night, never to be seen or heard from again….at least not from me.

I sat up in bed and rested my head in my hands. How many more people would I lose? It tore me up inside to lose Ruth, but my pride was too strong to let anyone know how much I missed her. Her humor, her concern for me. Always making sure I was doing well. I needed a good woman to keep me, and I now knew how much I took Ruth for granted. I wanted to reach out and apologize, but what good would it do?

So now I took to removing every reminder of her that existed in this house. A shirt she'd left, photos of us (they weren't cheap), books she'd given me, cards. I couldn't bear to have them around anymore. Funny though….every reminder of Jess still remained. His clothes, his bed, his valuables, photos, books, maps, saddles, boots. Everything he'd left, I'd let stay…so it could inevitably gather dust and clutter the house…and cause me pain whenever I looked at them.

I was a glutton for punishment, it seemed. It was insane that I could know I was self destructing, yet stay on the same course, not making any effort to change.

I was "a jerk who never had the guts to be anything other than what he is now". Also, I "never tried". Once again, where was the lie? I know I have issues, I know I'm not perfect. I've lured myself into a false sense of self-awareness. If I truly knew how dangerous my current state was, wouldn't I do everything in my power to change it? Then again, why would a man who has nothing to live for, try to better anything?

I threw my feet over the side of the bed and saw that I was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. I slumped my shoulders and sighed. God, I really was a wreck. Before I could decide my next move, I heard loud laughter from outside…a sound I hadn't heard in ages.

It was Andy!

I jumped up quickly and rushed outside, tripping over my own feet and shielding my eyes from the burning sun. I made my way around the barn and stood in front of the corral, aghast at what I beheld.

Andy was sitting upright, in some crudely fashioned wooden chair, strapped to a saddle. This contraption was atop none other than Cyclone, who was trotting around the corral, head bobbing and mane flapping in the gentle October wind. I was oddly mesmerized when I saw the look of pure joy on Andy's face. He was laughing, laughing! I had never seen him so happy. It felt like a bullet in my heart when I realized how long he'd been deprived of happiness.

This fantastical daydream of a scene unfolding before me finally hit my sensible side and I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

This was dangerous! Andy's spine was damaged, the jarring movement of the horse would no doubt cause further damage. I had to stop this.

"Andy!" I screamed, leaping over the corral gate. I caught Jonesy and Amos off guard with my sudden shouting, and they stood dumbfounded, unsure of how to react.

I ran towards Cyclone, who offered to rear. I grabbed onto the reins and threw my weight backwards, trying to bring the beast back down.

When my heart had stopped pounding and Cy had finally settled down, I stood straight up and glared at Andy.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I demanded.

Andy's lower lip trembled and he shook his head. "I was just taking Cyclone for a ride," he said quietly, voice quivering.

I matched his quiet tone and held his gaze; tears were gathering in his eyes.

"No," I retorted, "It's too dangerous. Your injury!"

Andy furrowed his brow and held the reins tighter.

"Please….Please Slim," he begged, "Don't take this away from me."

At this point, Jonesy and Amos were in the corral, standing next to me. Their stances were hostile and I turned to them briefly.

"Butt out Slim!" Amos snapped.

I squared my shoulders; who did this bum think he was talking to? This was my ranch, he was the one who needed to "butt out".

"You don't understand," I argued, "The doctor said Andy needed to refrain from any strenuous activities!"

Jonesy scowled and clenched his fists. "What more could happen to Andy? The poor kid can't walk, the worst that could happen is that he actually enjoys himself and smiles for the first time in forever. God forbid he find a light in this hellhole you've created, Slim!"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They were challenging me? Andy was my brother, I was the only one who truly knew what was best for him. I couldn't stand the thought of anything else degrading his quality of life. Sure, riding Cyclone was a treat for Andy, but too much was at risk.

"Get him down from there," I ordered.

Andy pursed his lips and held in a sob. Amos crossed his arms and stood his ground.

"Now!" I yelled.

Before any of us could move, Andy let out a wild holler and flicked the reins. Cyclone lurched forward and ran straight for the corral gate. All three of us jumped out of the way and watched from the ground as the mighty palomino cleared the fence in one swift jump. He landed gracefully on the other side and ran up the road and into the countryside, Andy hollering the whole way.

In my state of shock, I just laid on the ground, even as Amos and Jonesy were on their feet and alert, watching the trail of dust dissipate as Cy's outline got smaller and smaller in the distance.

I slowly got to my feet and stared after them. Nightfall was coming, and Andy would never survive the cold. October nights were murder, and I had to find them before the cold did.