A/N: Ayo sorry for the delay, high school stuff has kept me kinda busy lol. Trying to get back on track to graduate on time, so I took a break from FFnet for awhile, which included all recreational writing, unfortunately. I'm still super psyched on finishing this, it's just taking longer than i planned. Sorry about that :/ Please PM me any corrections or suggestions on this chapter.
I flicked the reins rapidly, urging Cyclone on. I could hear his breath coming out in quick, strained huffs; his shoulders rippled and his legs glided effortlessly across the ground. I rocked back and forth in Jonesy's contraption, precariously balanced on my steed's broad back. I was tense, my teeth clenched and my arms pressed close to me as I gripped the reins in my sweaty hands. If I fell, I was as good as dead. I was a rag doll from the waist down. I'd have to drag my tired, broken body back to the ranch, and I knew there was no way in heaven or on earth that I'd be able to manage such a feat. So I prayed to God I'd stay securely seated.
Cyclone cantered viciously among the trees, dodging rocks and brambles, his memory of our rides guiding him through the overgrown trails. His hoof beats lulled me into a void-like state, and like so many times within the past year, nothing felt real. The pines were a green blur, rushing past, much like my childhood. The gray sky above, storm clouds gathering, a seemingly perpetual darkness. Was the sky ever blue? Was my mind ever clear from the raging storm of emotions that I continued to experience? I took a risk, and closed my eyes. Perhaps it wasn't a risk at all. If I fell to my death, did it really matter? I had little to live for anyway. Each day was the same. Everything was gray. The color in my life was gone. Icky, gray, nothingness. I was stuck in a miserable reality, a reality where one cannot even imagine an escape. I wanted to look at my problems objectively, gain a new perspective. Try and find a solution, maybe. I knew very well what the solution was: regaining the use of my legs….and finding a way to bring Jess home. Was that too much to ask? I had received little to no support from Slim, and he promised he'd be there for me. That's what brothers do; they have your back when no one else does. Every time I thought of my older brother's selfish ways, I became angry and frustrated.
Sometimes, I was too drained to even feel anything. I wanted to cry, so many times. But the tears wouldn't come. Sleep would escape me. Everything I ate, it was bland. I decided that I would much rather die than suffer this life. I had completely lost my lust for life. I never thought that it would come to this.
Suddenly, a thunderclap shook me back to my senses, and I was now aware of how dark it had become. I could feel the bitter cold of October cut through my clothes like a knife. It wasn't long before my face became numb, and my eyes stung. I loosened my grip on the reins and Cyclone slowed to a trot. He emerged from the woods onto a grassy hill, overlooking the valley below. I could see a front coming through and I knew it was a really bad time to be out and about. I had to find shelter, fast.
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"-If you would just listen, just for once, this wouldn't have happened!" I nagged poor ol' Slim. Slim whipped around from saddling his horse to face me, his lips pursed and his brow furrowed.
"What were you thinking?" he demanded, taking a step towards me.
"I was thinking of Andy's well-bein!" I shot back, standing akimbo. Slim had absolutely no clue how destructive he was being towards himself and namely, Andy.
"His well-being?" Slim echoed incredulously, "you could've killed him! Now he's out in the woods all by himself, a front is coming through, it's getting dark, and you think what you were doing was helping? Jonesy, the spiders must've built cobwebs in the empty corners of your mind!"
I shook my head as Slim turned back around to finish saddling Alamo. He tightened the girthstrap, gave it a good tug, and lead his horse outside. I followed closely and called out to him.
"Slim, please listen to what I have to say," I asked firmly, letting him know that I wasn't going to let this go so easily.
Slim mounted his steed and sighed, not looking back at me. He looked down, thoughtful it seemed, and then slowly turned his horse around to face me. His lips were still pressed together in frustration and his eyes were glaring.
"Make it quick, we're burning daylight," he snapped back, eyes not leaving me.
I inhaled deeply and walked towards Slim's horse, grabbing the reins lightly to ensure he wouldn't try and leave in the middle of what was about to be one of my longest rants.
"I was doin' Andy a service," I started, "The poor kid does nothin physically challengin to him! He needs to get out and exercise to the best of his ability. Now I know what the doc said, he needs to stay immobile, but heck, he gave those instructions months ago. The way I figure it, what worked six months ago, might not be the best thing to do now. Andy is still growin', still healin', inside and out. The last thing a growin' boy needs is to be cooped up. At this point, I don't really see how gettin up on a horse is gonna do him any harm. I ain't no Doc Sweeny, but when I stay in bed instead of movin' around and gettin fresh air, I find it does nothin' but make me all stiff in my joints. Movin' around is the best thing for me when I'm ailin' and I think it's what's best for Andy. It could very well be the thing he needs. Even if he never gets back on his feet, the least we can do is try. I refuse to believe that that boy will never walk again. We have to try. That's all I'm sayin' Slim. Now I can't help that boy all on my own. I need you to make an effort to understand and cooperate with me and him. That's all I ask."
Slim broke eye contact with me and shifted in the saddle a bit. He looked off into the distance, chewing his lower lip, mulling my words over. He exhaled slowly and glanced back at me.
I decided to break the silence, "I want what's best for Andy. I know you do too, Slim. I know you can't change the past. I know you can't fix the mistakes you've made, or bring Jess back, or heal Andy's hurt. But I do know that you are capable of movin forward. When you really put yourself to it, you can do almost anythin. Back then, when everything seemed hopeless, you were the one supplying us with hope. I don't know why you've been doin the things you have lately. I know you'll never be the same ol' Slim you used to be. But that doesn't mean that your change can't be for the better. People change, but change isn't always a bad thing. You can make the best out of this situation. Please don't shut me out. Don't shut Andy out. We want to help you, and for you to help us. You pushin' everyone away and bein' stubborn doesn't help anyone. We can move forward, we can get out of this hellhole you've helped to create. Just open up, and accept that I don't mean neither you or Andy any harm. Please."
Slim's forehead creased in anxiety, and I could tell my words were finally chippin' away at all the walls he'd built. I was hopin' that he would open up and let out all the feelings he'd been bottlin up, finally express his emotions in a less destructive way. But he just nodded and looked away.
"I understand what you're saying. At the same time, change can't happen overnight. I need space, I need time, I need to gather some energy for this. What you're proposing is a long road. I can't travel it until I find Andy, safe. I promise we'll talk about this some more. But my brother is out there, cold, alone, and helpless. I want so badly for things to be different. I want things to go back to the way they were. But they wont ever. Because Jess did this. He tore us apart, he made my life harder than it should've been. He saw what he did to me, to Andy. You can't expect me to bounce back after something like that," Slim finished.
I rubbed my brow and sighed.
"It happened over a year and a half ago, that's plenty of time to bounce back, Slim. You're just in a pity-party. I know you've been hurt, but you can't let that hurt define you. You are Slim Sherman, you are your own person. You are not what people think, you are not your mistakes, you are not the bad things that have happened to you. I don't want to see you become half the man I know you're capable of bein-"
Slim cut me off, "Hurt like that lasts a lifetime. I will carry it around with me for as long as I live. You can't begin to understand what I've been through, and don't even try. You think everything is easy, you think I should be just like you, and not give a tinker's damn, but it effects me more than anyone could even fathom!"
I stifled a grin and raised my chin defiantly towards Slim. I cracked him like an egg. This was the start of him opening up to me. The first step to solvin' a problem was acknowledging that there was one. The more Slim was able to talk about his problems, the closer I'd be to understandin' just what was goin' through his head, and the closer I was to helping him recover.
"I don't understand. I doubt I ever will. Jess was a fundamental part of our lives. But you knew this would happen eventually. He was like the wind; he'd blow in and out again. Anyways, Jess was one person. An important person, none the less, but you can't let what happened with him to ruin you and Andy's future. Okay?"
Slim nodded again, I could see his eyes misting. "We'll continue this discussion later, I have to find Andy. Have supper ready for us by the time we get back."
I knew Slim had heard what I'd said, and understood; he just needed time to think.
"Alrighty," I replied, letting him off the hook…for now. Slim flicked the reins and spurred Alamo on, galloping up the road, into the hills, and out of sight. I hoped he would find Andy safe.
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"Do you ever think you should go back?" Josh asked me. I jerked my head up from my breakfast of grits and gave him an incredulous look.
"Weren't you listening at all?" I demanded, "You know why I can't do that."
Josh stretched out and stood up, grabbing the coffee pot and tossing what was left, along with the grounds, into the bushes outside of the clearing. He sat back down, resting the pot near the fire and leaning back against a log. He rubbed his jaw with one hand and let out a sigh.
"I know that uh, Slim…Slim sounded angry. Just pure aggressive energy. Everything he said, he would've said to anyone else if you hadn't been there. I've dealt with guys like that, their emotions, they come in bursts. They always regret it later. I wouldn't take any of what he said at face value. Just throwin that out there."
This was a perspective I had considered multiple times, and abandoned. But now that I had someone else's input, it seemed more valid to me. But those things that were said…I couldn't just force myself to forget them on the spot. Understanding why they were said didn't make them any less real to me.
"Maybe," I muttered, dumping out the last of my grits onto the dirt.
Josh got up again and started putting his camp equipment away. I got up as well, helping him out. He gave me a curt nod as a thank you, and finished loading his saddlebags. I doused the fire and ducked under the makeshift rope hitching-post. Josh had apparently courteously grabbed my horse for me while I was out, and I turned to him.
"Hey uh," I started awkwardly, "Thanks for saving my bacon back there. I'm beholdin' to ya."
Josh paused whilst saddling his horse and squinted, seemingly confused, but then nodded again and shrugged it off.
"Oh yeah, sure. No problem," he assured me, once again not making eye contact. He flipped the stirrup down after he finished adjusting the strap and untied his horse. I did the same and mounted up. Josh gave me a wary look for a moment and scratched his head.
"I uh, have to get goin. I'm hot on the trail of some real bad guys, and I'm losing time as we speak so-"
In an impulsive last second decision, I blurted out, "I'd like to tag along, if that's alright with you."
Josh cringed and shifted nervously in his saddle.
"Yeah uh, I'm all for people helping me out and what not, but y'see I don't really wanna split the reward money with ya soooo…"
I shook my head, "Don't worry about it, I just…want to help, no charge."
Josh gave me a dubious look and scratched his head again.
"Okay, but I've gotta lay down some ground rules. I don't think you quite understand the ins and outs of bounty hunting, so I have to make sure you're not gonna be a liability to me on the hunt."
I put my hands up, palms out, as a sign of cooperation. I dropped them, back down and shrugged.
"Sounds good to me."
Josh huffed, and flicked the reins, urging his horse forward.
"Alrighty, we'll discuss it as we go, we're wasting time."