CHAPTER 33 – KISS AND MAKE UP

Second to last chapter you guys :)

"Do you want kids?" Arizona calmly asked, seemingly out of nowhere as they were watching some re-run of a cooking TV show and chillaxing on their couch.

Amelia froze at the very much unexpected question and she made a conscious effort to not squeeze the other woman who was resting on top of her in surprise. Her blood ran cold and her heart started to thump alarmingly strongly in her chest. She silently prayed that Arizona wouldn't detect the change of pace. Amelia opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out, she was too socked and too overwhelmed to form any words so she closed it. A million thoughts abruptly invaded her mind while anxiety slowly crept up on her body.

The brunette thought about Christopher. She remembered this visceral maternal instinct – the very same she was feeling towards Sofia now – that had overtaken her body, giving her more strength and more courage than she had ever imagined she ever would have when he was born. But she couldn't ignore the way her heart would sink low in her ribcage and the way her stomach would knot, almost making her sick and leaving her with cravings and nightmares, as the heartache, grief and depression that had followed his birth also came back to the surface.

For a long time after his birth, she had thought she would never be able to move on from this representation of motherhood she had created, especially her own. Something that was as beautiful as it was painful.

And then, she had met Arizona and Sofia and her whole world had turned upside down. Before she even knew what was happening, Sofia was calling her mom and telling her she loved her. And so she grew to learn that she could still be a mother to Christopher and yet be a mother to another child too. That it was okay and that she had enough love in her to be able to do that. That loving Sofia didn't mean she loved Christopher any less.

But the question took her by surprise, she couldn't answer. She needed more time to articulate her thoughts, to tidy them up and to mentally prepare herself to have an honest and open conversation with her partner. So like a coward, she pretended to be asleep, hoping the blonde wouldn't catch on her lie. She felt terribly guilty to do so, but she couldn't see another escape.

"Sweetheart?"

At the lack of response, the pediatric surgeon looked up only to find the neurosurgeon sleeping. She couldn't fight the grin that unconsciously grew onto her lips at the adorable sight and she dropped a kiss onto the brunette's chest before cuddling back up into her safe embrace.

The very next day, Amelia cornered Derek into a scan room, looking disheveled and dead-tired.

"Oh, hello Amy," he greeted her warmly as she walked in.

"How did you and Meredith know you guys wanted more kids?" she asked him instead of replying.

He looked a little taken aback, his eyebrows raising so high that they almost disappeared into his hairline, but he knew better than question the weird interrogations his sister would ask him by now.

"We didn't? No really, at least. Mer and I were perfectly happy with Zola and then Bailey just kind of happened out of nowhere. Same for Ellis. They weren't planned but they were still happy surprises. When Meredith told me she was pregnant, I simply couldn't see myself without that child-to-be in our family. Why? Worried Robbins got you pregnant?" Derek joked and when Amelia didn't laugh along with him, he quickly regretted his small jab but was also suddenly much more inquisitive. "Wait, are you guys actually trying to-"

"We're not. Not yet at least," she muttered the last part under her breath, terrified and obviously anxious. "We were watching TV last night and out of nowhere she asked me if I wanted kids. Who drops a bomb like that?"

"What did you do?" Derek frowned, curious.

"I panicked of course! I pretended to be asleep. What was I supposed to say?" the brunette said, completely freaked out, her arms gesturing widely into empty space out of worry.

"Having a conversation with each other, like adults?" Derek suggested.

"I don't know what to tell her Derek," her tone was shameful and her fingers toyed with the hem of her scrub top nervously. "We're doing so perfect right now. I don't want to break what we have. What if I say the wrong thing and she wants to break up with me, Der?"

He gently placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Come on, give Robbins a little more credit than that."

"But what if? You know how much of a mess I am! I'm probably going to screw it up."

"Amy?" the neurosurgeon searched for his sister's eyes, the haziness filling them staring right back at him hopefully. "You've been together for over a year. Robbins knows you, all of you. She knows how much of a mess you can be sometimes and she still chooses to love your sorry ass every day. The only way for you to screw it up is by not being honest with her. So stop freaking out and talk to your girlfriend. I have an aneurysm to clip," he said firmly yet reassuringly and dropped a kiss onto her forehead before walking away, "You've got this sis'."

"I'M HOME!" the neurosurgeon yelled happily as she got home after a relatively light shift a few days later.

"I'M IN THE KITCHEN HONEY!" came back as a reply.

The brunette quickly discarded her shoes and coat and headed straight to the kitchen only to find the other woman cooking.

"It smells awfully good in there, what are you doing?"

"Lasagnas," the blonde looked up from cutting up some tomatoes and when her eyes fell onto her partner, she had to remind herself to be careful to not cut her hands with the knife she was currently holding.

Amelia was standing next to her now, flowers in her hands and a shy grin onto her lips. The blonde's heart fluttered in her chest and she couldn't control the huge grin that took over half of her face. She rapidly racked her brain, praying she hadn't forgotten something important. She put the knife down and she looped her arms around the neurosurgeon's neck, kissing her good evening as well as thank you.

"Those are beautiful, thank you so much," she kissed her sweetly. "Today's not our anniversary, right?" she asked, an eyebrow raised in doubt.

"Nope," the brunette put the flowers down next to them on the counter and she snaked her arms around the other woman's midsection, tenderly rubbing her lower back in order to calm her own nerves down.

"What's the occasion?"

"Do I need a reason to treat my girl right?" Amelia teased with a smirk.

"That's so gay," the blonde chuckled and pecked her. "Thanks. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry, I suck at flowers though. What kind are they?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked," she bit her lower lip, hoping that Arizona wouldn't notice her nervousness. "Those are some really special flowers actually."

The pediatric surgeon looked at the flowers and then back at Amelia doubtfully. Amelia's shoulders tensed up under her forearms and the back rubbing stopped. Something was definitely up so the blonde went along.

"Really?"

"Yes. They're I-want-to-have-kids-with-you-flowers."

The utter astonishment yet overjoyed look that appeared onto Arizona's face comforted Amelia into the idea that she had made to right decision and giant butterflies erupted into the pit of her stomach.

"I-I'm sorry. W-what?"

The brunette let out a big sigh, bracing herself to deliver the speech she had been rehearsing over and over again for the last few days now. She let a deep breath out, willing her shoulders to relax and her heart to stop racing.

"I heard you? Like a week ago when we were watching that bake off that we had tevo-ed and you remember that I fell asleep, right?"

"I-yes."

"I faked that, I'm so sorry. We were having a quiet night in and out of nowhere, you popped this kid question. I-I completely froze, I didn't know what to say. So I faked sleeping so I could escape and have some time to think about it, I truly am sorry. I totally understand if you're mad at me."

As annoyed and angry as Arizona felt that the other woman had lie to her, she tried to put her feelings aside, knowing it was a sensitive subject and understanding where she was coming from. She knew how hard it was for Amelia to come clean about this and could see how much bravery it took from her. Moreover, fighting would lead absolutely nowhere so she swallowed back her irritation. Instead, the pediatric surgeon wanted to encourage her to verbalize her insecurities on the matter so her hand traveled around her neck, her thumb softly rubbing the smooth skin and she smiled lovingly yet tentatively to prove to Amelia that she wasn't going anywhere.

"And?"

Amelia was thankful that Arizona didn't seem as mad as she had anticipated but she still felt extremely guilty. "I-I needed time and space to process. I'm sorry."

"Don't beat yourself up, okay baby? To be honest, I'm infuriated and kinda want to punch you in the face but I can understand why you did it. I'm just glad you're telling me the truth now. Why, though? You knew I didn't expect an immediate yes or no answer. I wasn't asking for another kid right there and then. I just wanted to have an open conversation with you about it."

"I got scared. And I'm sorry that I faked sleepin' but you dropped that kid bomb on me like you were asking me the weather forecast for the next day. And I needed time to wrap my mind around it, to figure out what I wanted and what I didn't. When I first found out I was pregnant with Christopher, it was the greatest day of my life. I felt like I was invincible, you know? But then, I found out he didn't have a brain and I had to go through nine months of pregnancy and giving birth and it broke a part of me. I know it was my choice, I could have had an abortion but I chose not to. And yet it broke me just the same. I had the most beautiful son but then he had to go away, and a little part of me died with him that day," she tried her best to stop the tears that always came whenever she was talking about her son. "My pregnancy saved me from my addictions but it almost destroyed me too. And I remember thinking "if it's what it means to be a mom, then I never want to be one again." It might be wonderful but the pain is just too much. And then Sofia came into my life. That perfect sweet little girl. And she has grown on me so much, and then our relationship grew and I became her mom, which I never thought would ever happen in a million years. I-I don't want a baby. I don't want to go through pregnancy because it's too traumatic for me. I can't go through it again. Through all the questions and the constant worry and the birth… I just can't. And I know you lost your baby too and that you don't want to try to get pregnant again either.

But do I want to have more kids with you? Yeah. I want lots and lots of kids with you that we will raise with kindness and care and so much love. They'll be as delightful and as perky as their mommy and also a bit dorky, just like me. They'll leave their stuff absolutely everywhere on the floor and I'll have to restrain myself from strangling them when I'll step onto a lego brick. Our sex life will be terrible because the kids will take turns each night to sleep in our bed. They'll get that same sparkle you and Sofia have into your eyes when you see something really pretty. And when I'll hug them, I'll never want to let them go because they'll smell like warmth and childhood and brownies. And there will be some chickens too. Sofia will hate them so much because they'll be loud as fuck so she'll never be able to have a late morning in. That, this picture, I want it. I can't give you a baby, but that I can offer to you, if you want it too. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out."

"Gosh Amelia! How long have you been preparing this speech?" Arizona said, her eyes shining with unshed tears of happiness and she hugged the other woman with all her might, burying her head into the crook of Amelia's neck. Her heart was beating so fast at this point that it was a miracle she hadn't fainted yet. "You can't drop that much feelings on me all at once."

"Do you want to have kids with me?" Amelia asked, needing to hear the words out loud, to hear Arizona say it so she would know she wasn't dreaming.

"Yes, of course. I want all of this. The perky and the loud and the legos and the brownies. I want all of that with you," Arizona's grip tightened around her midsection. "I love you so much," she mumbled out, still a little awestruck by all the love and sincerity the neurosurgeon had just demonstrated towards her.

"If you could love me just a tiny bit less though so I could breathe sweetheart, it'd be awesome," Amelia suggested playfully.

"Right, sorry," the blonde loosened her grip but kept her lover close to her. "I love you so much, you know that right?" she asked as she put a brunette lock back behind her ear.

"A terrible decision, really," the neurosurgeon joked and her thumb gently pushed away the happy tears that were staining her lover's cheeks. "I love you too," she murmured and pulled the blonde into a searing kiss.

"I love you more," Arizona teased as she pulled away.

"No, I love you more."

"Not possible, I love you the most."

"I love you mostest then," Amelia said childishly with a goofy smile.

"Dork," Arizona laughed at the terrible joke, fighting a roll of eyes, and for a few moments, she couldn't believe she had the luck to call that perfect human being hers. "In that case then, I love you the mostestest."

Just as the neurosurgeon was about to reply, a weird smell tickled her nose and her eyebrows furrowed, "Is it me or does it smells like something is burning?"

"Oh fuck, the lasagnas!"

Barely had Amelia shut the front door close, she heard Arizona's alarm blaring from their bedroom. She dumped her keys carelessly into the tiny bowl resting on top of the chest of drawers as she toed off her running shoes. She glanced at her phone to see the time, and sure enough, she was right on time to witness the natural beauty that was Arizona Robbins waking up from deep slumber. She walked half-heatedly towards the source of the noise, her sock-clad feet melodically shuffling against the wooden floor with each step she was taking. She leaned against the doorframe and watched in awe the sleepy blonde coming to life.

Arizona snoozed the offensive alarm off blindly, her arm patting around to find the electronic device so she wouldn't have to open her eyes just yet and gain a few extra seconds away from reality. She wiggled back under the warm sheets with a dejected sigh and hugged her pillow closer so she could bury her face deeper into the lavender-scented soft cotton. Amelia felt her heart skip a beat, maybe even two, at the utterly adorable sight of the blonde's sleepy behavior.

"Good morning there," she cued in a whisper as to not scare the blonde or wake her up too harshly.

Arizona pushed one of the corners of the pillow away and poked one drowsy blue eye open. She searched around the room for a humanoid form in the obscurity and smiled when she saw a sweaty Amelia leaning against the doorframe. The natural light emanating from the corridor was giving her a mystical glow, framing her every curves in a very aesthetically pleasing way that made Arizona suddenly long for her lover's touch as arousal manifested itself in her nether region. The fact that the brunette was so lightly clad, her sport clothes sticking to her glistening skin, only made the matter worst. The natural light accentuated the defined muscles with the neurosurgeon's every moves, her body turning into one giant and mesmerizing piece of art thanks to the light and shadow effects. Arizona wouldn't be able to tear her eyes from her lover if she tried.

"Morning," she replied with a lazy smile, her voice still thick and raspy. She patted the empty space next to her on the bed, silently inviting the other woman closer. "You look incredibly hot."

Amelia chuckled as she connected her phone to the sound system and set it on low volume. She turned the bedside lamp on and sat at the edge of the bed. "Thank you honey. You look pretty cute yourself."

"I sometimes forget how sturdy you are under the shapeless blue scrubs," she admitted while her eyes shamelessly roamed over her girlfriend's body.

"Well, the leg muscles would be from kicking too much asses and the arms muscles would be from fucking you into oblivion every occasion I get," Amelia joked, a teasing glint dancing into her dark blue eyes.

"Shut up!" Arizona replied faking hurt, but the smile on her lips told Amelia she really wasn't.

"You like?" Amelia got up and put one foot onto the bed and put her arms on each side of her body, into a very body-builder-like position. She flexed all her muscles at the same time and wiggled her eyebrows playfully at the blonde.

"Dork," Arizona chuckled and grabbed the neurosurgeon's knee which made her loose her balance.

She yelped as she clumsily fell on the bed and she shrieked out, "No damaging the world class neurosurgeon please!"

"Noted," the pediatric surgeon sat up and the brunette moved around so she could lay her head onto her thighs.

Talented fingers came to smooth down the sweaty and untidy dark hair and after a few unsuccessful attempts, they eventually settled to stroke her temple instead. Amelia moaned contently at the soothing touch and sank a little further into the bed, finally her body to rest and relax.

"How many miles today?"

"Ten."

Arizona looked at her impressed, both eyebrows raised up. "That much?"

"Woke up extra early and couldn't go back to sleep for the life of me."

This time, the blonde looked intrigued yet worried. The fingers stilled onto her skin, coming to a halt as Arizona's heartbeat slightly increased. The pediatric surgeon's mind was already contemplating the worst scenarios, running at a mile a minute. She hoped she was wrong and that Amelia didn't have to go through a nightmare or a panic attack without her waking up.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I promise," she said reassuringly. She tilted her head to the side and dropped a kiss onto Arizona's belly before resuming to her previous position. The fingers threaded once again into her dark mane. "I did go to bed extra early yesterday and I had a great night of sleep," she tried to explain with a nonchalant shrug, not really knowing why she had woken up so early herself. "So I got up and did some ironing while watching cartoons but I got bored of Totally Spies after only two episodes so I finished ironing and went for a run. I thought the fresh air might do me some good."

"It definitely did. You look radiant. Even a little Wonder Woman-y if I may."

Amelia smiled at her proudly. "Good, I love Diana."

"Oh, I see how it is. Diana, isn't it? Is it a crush that I detect here?" the blonde teased.

Amelia raised an eyebrow at her, unimpressed by the teasing. "Have you seen her? She's incredibly strong and she uses her strength to literally beat Nazis up, she has abilities beyond mortals, her weapon of choice is the freaking lasso of Truth, she's crazy attractive, she's a bisexual icon… I would be insane to not have a crush on her. And that's without mentioning her iconic fights, she…"

Arizona watched the sparkles coming alive into her partner's eyes as she launched into a lengthy monologue of, from what Arizona was understanding, Wonder Woman's most epic battles. Her attitude exuded chilled and carefree, her features moving with fervor and passion with each new development in her story.

The brunette stopped her speech suddenly and, at first, Arizona wasn't certain what had spurred such an abrupt reaction. The blonde got her reply rather quickly however when Amelia leaped out of the bed to dance with a smile etched on her lips.

The pediatric surgeon quirked an eyebrow up, watching with a hint of amusement and disbelief as her girlfriend rocked the room. The brunette was jumping up and down to her own rhythm, her head was moving right and left on its own accord making her hair trapped into her ponytail shake wildly around her still reddened-from-effort face, her delicate lips whispering out every lyrics with expertise. Noticing the lack of the other woman by her side, she stopped and gave her girlfriend an inquisitive look.

"Come on!" she motioned towards her excitedly.

"And do what exactly?"

"Dance!"

"Oh, that's what it was," Arizona teased. "I thought you were being exorcised or something, thank fuck."

Amelia threw a pillow at her playfully and took both of her hands into hers, softly pulling her into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.

"You know you want to," she flirted easily. "Come on, baaaaaaaaaaaaabe."

Arizona shook her head dismissively but wrapped her hands behind Amelia's neck nonetheless so she could help her up. And dance they did. They danced like lunatics. They took way too much space and they were silly and ridiculous and uncoordinated and loud and to an outsider's eyes, it probably wouldn't even qualify as dancing but they didn't care. They were being them. Free of any inhibitions and any rules.

Eventually, the song came to its end and the two women found themselves slow dancing, so engrossed by each other they hardly noticed the silence now surrounding them.

"I love you so much, I never want you to stop being happy," the brunette whispered out.

Arizona felt her heart tightening inside her chest. This was exactly what had made her fall in love with Amelia in the first place. The spontaneity, the selflessness, the truthfulness, the vulnerability… all the pieces were there. Her hands came up behind the brunette's head and pulled her closer, until plump lips met her burning and aching ones. She softly swept her tongue against the bottom lip and the neurosurgeon granted her access. Her warm tongue came out to meet Amelia's eagerly, impatient to share what she was feeling. Hands readjusted their grips onto her thighs and buttocks, pulling the blonde even closer until their fronts were glued together into one big unidentifiable mess. Arizona finally pulled out only when her lungs were screaming for air.

"I love you too, Amelia. I hope you be the happiest," she whispered back, her voice imprinted with vulnerability and honesty as she put a wild dark lock where it belonged, right behind Amelia's ear.

Amelia smiled at her as warmth spread onto her cheeks and down her neck, coloring them into the softest shade of red. Humility rushed over her, she felt like she didn't deserve the blonde. Didn't deserve her sweetness, her care, her endless love and her altruism. But apparently, for some reasons, Arizona thought she did. She saw something into Amelia's broken self and still decided that she was willing to try to build something meaningful with her. That she was worth the effort. Their relationship had demanded hard work to get to where it was today, both women had been deeply heartbroken and hurt in their respective past. But Arizona had been willing to take that leap of faith right alongside with her, supportively holding her hand at each new step forward they had taken in their relationship.

That woman was so out of her league, and yet, Arizona was in love with her and they only wished the same thing for one another: happiness. The neurosurgeon bowed her head down to hide her watering eyes, she held her unshed tears back in by biting onto her lower lip in order to distract herself from the overwhelming and frightening feeling that she was hosting in her chest right now.

It hurt because she had only ever felt this way once before and it had been with Ryan. And she had lost everything in that relationship, even herself. And the neurosurgeon wasn't stupid, she knew her relationship with Ryan and with Arizona were totally different, they were nothing alike.

The pediatric surgeon and her had taken their time knowing each other instead of heading straight into a relationship like she had had with Ryan, no drugs were involved, she had a kid to look out for which was pushing her everyday to not fuck things up, where drugs and alcohol had been used to numb the pain away were now open and deeply honest conversations instead…

She knew it was different but the love she felt, searing her heart tight into her ribcage, felt just as strong and it was frightening because she feared the moment when it was all going to be ripped away from her. The moment when the two things that meant the absolute world to her would fade away. Just like Ryan and her baby had been ripped away from her prematurely. That no matter how hard she would try to catch Sofia and Arizona for one more second of internal bliss, she would fail and instead the painful and agonizing void of numbness would come back. That feeling that made her feel breathless, even though she was breathing perfectly fine, and like a new part of her was dying every minute she was alive.

She felt a tear roll down her left cheek and angrily wiped it, furious at herself for letting her insecurities show in such a weak way.

Arizona wrapped two strong arms around her shoulders without Amelia needing to say anything and she was pulled into a protective and comforting hug. It only made her cry more, her emotions manifesting only through her tears. Amelia hid her face into the crook of her lover's neck, feeling too fragile to look up at Arizona's face. Like Arizona would see every emotional scar she had only by looking into her eyes and would run away once she would get a peek at her issues. So instead, she buried herself under honey blonde hair and took in the barely-there flowery smell as she hugged her tighter, not living an inch of air in between them. Too afraid that if she let go, the blonde would float away like a lost balloon. The pediatric surgeon kept on whispering sweet nothings into her ear with a softness only a handful of people Amelia had ever witnessed to have. The familiar contact, the blonde's gentleness and the faint smell did their tricks and after a few minutes, Amelia's tears stopped, her breathing coming back to normal.

A kiss was placed on her temple. "You alright?" the blonde murmured.

Amelia could feel the pink lips brushing her skin, gently tickling it. Not trusting her voice yet, she simply nodded.

"Gosh, I'm such a mess," she said after a few moments, her voice still fragile.

"A cute one though," Arizona said playfully before adding much more seriously, "You're just human Amelia. Having emotions, good or bad, and your way of expressing them with such courage and passion is one of the things that made me fall in love with you. You wear your heart on your sleeve and it somehow makes you stronger than most. So don't you ever dare hide your feelings from me."

The brunette's confidence increased back up and she felt the corners of her mouth twist up into a small timid smile. She tried to hide it by looking down, her heart beating in her ears and her whole cardio-vascular system spiking up. She didn't have the words to describe how it felt to hear this. Her girlfriend tilted her head up by pushing up her chin and luminous cyan eyes met hers.

"Will you ever stop being so loving and adorable?" she said playfully in order to diffuse her internal tension.

Arizona smiled widely at her and kissed her sweetly. "Never. Not as long as you're being so loving and adorable towards me either."

Amelia's good-humor surfaced back, her feelings were finally back in check which made her feel a little relieved. "I'mma hop in the shower real quick because I'm pretty disgusting and you're going to make me pancakes!" she pecked her as her hand squeezed an ass cheek before detaching herself totally from the blonde, delicately sitting her back down onto the bed.

The brunette handed her her crutches and Arizona got up, now totally awake.

"Oh, I'm going to make you pancakes?" the pediatric surgeon inquired with an eyebrow raised while her lover was fumbling around in their chest of drawers for some clothes.

She decided to play along. Amelia obviously wasn't feeling the most comfortable after showing her sensitive side this morning, and as long as she was okay, there was no need to push it.

"Yeah, duh," Amelia said in the most obvious tone she could muster. "I just ran ten miles this morning, I'm tired and I'm hungry. I could eat a horse!"

On that note, the brunette neighed, pretty badly if you asked the blonde, and noisily galloped her way to the bathroom as if she was indeed a horse.

"Gosh, you're such a-"

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY I'M DORK AGAIN!" Amelia yelled from inside the bathroom.

"I WAS GONNA SAY CHILD!" Arizona yelled back.

God, not a day passed by where Amelia's attitude failed to bring a smile on her face.

"YOU BETTER HAVE BEEN!"