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Side by Side

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Emma squeezed Regina's hand and waited patiently while she stared at the television in their living room without processing anything of the world outside flashing on the screen. The dull roar of the electronic buzzed in the background was always tuned into the news lately. Regina used to hate watching the news. Now it was the only thing she watched. When Emma asked why, her wife replied that it was a safe way to be in the world without the stress of stepping foot outside their home; a way for her to stay aware, but not be seen.

But Emma wanted Regina to be seen.

A few seconds later a delicate squeeze from the cool hand in Emma's came back. Emma closed her eyes and swallowed, forcing the burning sensation biting at the corners away. That squeeze had changed. Their whole world had changed with it.

The last few months had been a whirlwind of doctor appointments, medication adjustments and transitioning from Chemo to Immuno Therapy both she and Regina had been struggling to keep up with. At first Regina got stronger. Emma marveled at the life force returning to her wife after the first two treatments. Regina began to resume activities they used to enjoy doing together. Cooking together and Regina's appetite returned. Taco Tuesday out with their friends and making homemade pizza on Friday's while kicking back with Netflix were small staples of their life before Emma didn't know she had been missing.

In the early weeks of Immuno Therapy they had been spending long weekends between treatments in Boston visiting Henry. Their son was ecstatic at the change in both his mothers. The light and joy of living had returned to their eyes. Hope was good medicine. For a small pocket of time they could all pretend this was their normal. They were all sure this treatment was what was going to give Regina her quality of life back. And it had for the a few months until an additional diagnosis came to light.

Neuroblastoma.

A C-word that almost always only affected children.

Emma held her wife in the white sterile Oncologist's office. She wondered: why white? Like the medical profession thought the surrounding clean untouched color would somehow make the black words coming from a doctor's mouth less so. Emma shook her head and tried to listen as they were told the news from a recent biopsy done to the kidneys that Regina was one in ten million adults affected by Neuroblastoma. With her paired diagnosis Regina was now a sought after celebrity in the oncology field. Emma scoffed at the news, holding Regina closer, oh so gently, as her wife patted her hand to calm her while they listened to what the doctor had to say about this new development.

Emma tried to listen, but her mind kept drifting. She always knew Regina was unique and she didn't need these black words pouring from the Doctor's mouth to tell her what she already knew. There was no one else like her wife in the world and no one was going to exploit that rarity into their clinical playground for research sake.

But Regina felt differently.

Her wife always was thinking of others. Right now Emma wanted to be selfish. Regina had already been through so much. Her body had tolerated all the chemo she could have right now. This new study and the treatment was the latest and greatest option available to them. Emma did not feel great at this news. Being a part of the study meant more tests, more doctors, and even more uncertainties with no promises. It also meant those tests and the current treatment would be paid for. Every. Single. Cent.

Emma knew where Regina's mind was going. Despite her care in dealing with the bills Regina knew they were piling up. This would help Regina had said. But Emma didn't want Regina to make this decision for that reason. What little privacy and routine Regina did have now Emma fiercely guarded. But like everything with her wife's condition this was of course Regina's decision and Emma yielded to her wishes to cooperate in the research study. There would be medical articles published about her treatment and progress. A chance to help others who may have the same rare combination of…

Emma sighed.

She still couldn't say that word.

Stomaching her own feelings Emma began to ask the Doctor that threw them this new curve ball in their life questions about their next steps. Regina had given her hand a strong squeeze in acknowledgement of her discomfort; their code that they understood where the other's heart was on whatever matter was at hand.

As Emma reflected on that visit and the last few months while sitting on the couch in the living room tears began to leak down her cheeks. She had been so hopeful this whole time since Regina had been diagnosed. Now… now she turned and really looked at her wife.

Regina sat propped up and reclining on the sofa wrapped up in blankets she would toss to the floor and then want to wrap up in again every half hour or so as her body temperature changed between chills and sweats. Skin that used to be a healthy tawny color Emma used to love to rake her nails over was now pale patches mixed with red and bruises where doctors had poked one too many times since their recent stay in the hospital. Tired brown eyes over dark circles that shouldn't be there were half open but not seeing, stared ahead.

Regina must have felt her looking because those once full red lips turned up in an attempt to smile, but those eyes gave away the pain it took for that neck to turn and look at her.

Wincing, Regina asked statically. "When will Henry be home from school?"

Emma's lips rolled in over her teeth and she forced a smile. "He's in Boston babe. Remember?"

Regina didn't seem to for a moment and that slight panic that flashed across brown eyes hurt Emma's heart. Emma simply waited for the present to catch up to her wife's drugged mind. Such a beautiful mind; now clouded and torn between questions and answers.

"Of course." Regina shook her head and blinked rapidly before dropping her head back to rest again. "I knew that my Nina."

Emma saw the way her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and leaned over to kiss the blush away as she gently snuggled up against Regina's shoulder. She squeezed her wife's hand again, running her thumb across those lovely knuckles and waited.

And waited.

Regina finally squeezed back and Emma began to understand how she could miss someone who by sitting right next to her.

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A/N: Still hoping and still fighting every day side by side.