21
Morning came and she was deeply engaged in her run with her new friends. Each of their thoughts intertwined so much so that it was like they were a single unit rather than a group, she loved it and she loved them.
The pack soon stopped for water and she drank from the fresh spring letting her paws soak in it's coolness. She shook; letting the wind flow through her dark fur as she looked to the forest in a new perspective. In this form, there were no exams, no judgmental classmates, no fear of death or complicated relationships. She was far away from what once troubled her mind which was just what she needed in order to think thoroughly about it. She was insecure, and in order to become a better friend to everyone who relied on her she had to stop needing them to need her. But it was so different than what she felt with the wolves, they needed each other and found strength in it; she saw as they groomed and nuzzled each other that they were secure in each other's company. But then she watched as a lower level male tried to force himself into a small group, he was quickly rejected and chased a few feet.
She watched intently as he sat alone and dejected; and it was in that moment that she saw herself in a similar situation. She had tried so hard to make herself fit into a situation that she was not invited and because of that she caused a mild tension between her and them making her an outcast even if it were in her own mind. She padded over to the loner and nuzzled him in encouragement before going off on her own; relocating the stash of clothes by a hollowed tree before wandering in the woods alone.
I didn't use to be this…needy, what happened to me? I know what happened, I lost my whole world and had to pretend it never happened. I couldn't even tell my best friend's mother that my mother was gone; I kept the façade that she had to work another job far away and never come around. At least in her mind her best friend was alive; she had phone conversations at least once a week so no questions would be asked. At least in her mind her best friend wasn't lying to her…at least…
She had to shake herself out of her train of thought; no, she couldn't let that toxic thought poison what she did have left. She was so engulfed in the fact that she lost a large part of her world that she became possessive of what part she had left. She spent so much time and energy being angry at Shuichi for lying about his real self to her that she didn't think to even ask why. Yes she had a right to be upset being that she entrusted him with her own bloodline and secrets but to let it be the catalyst of all of their future arguments and falling outs was childish. She knew that she had to let go in order to find pace within herself and it was at this moment that she could.
I don't have to be there to protect Shuichi, but I can support every step he takes…he can take care of himself and I have to accept that. I do not have to keep being a victim of my misfortune; I can be a survivor instead and grow from it. I do not need to instill dominance to make his friends like me, they will appreciate my honestly and intelligence; they will like me for who I am as long as I am willing to show it. I need to accept what I do not control and make peace with myself.
But who am I? What am I, and how can I make peace with it?
A rustle in the nearby wood interrupted her thoughts again and she searched the mind that may lie in that direction. Whatever it is; it's distracted. She crept closer and found Genkai alone and looking uneasy.
"Master Genkai…what are you doin out here?"
"I could ask you the same thing but I'm sure you wouldn't answer me either." She was right, under normal circumstances, Siera wouldn't divulge her thoughts or intentions to the old teacher; not because she disliked her, but because the only thing she was better at than striking fear in lower demons to soothe her own ego is alienating those who could actually like her.
"I…have a lot of internal conflict, and I'm trying to make peace with myself." The old woman looke at her then with softer eyes and smiled.
"I've been there many times girl, I have been back and forth on so many choices I've made in my youth that I could drive a person insane let alone myself. But I wouldn't change any of them."
"You wouldn't?"
"Let me tell you something; if you make a choice that you know in your heart is for the good of those around you, even if it sacrifices your own wishes dreams or even your life in the process don't ever regret it. You will waste your life away on regret and second guesses; choosing to live alone wondering when your past decisions will come back to haunt you, and then you will be an old fool like me with nothing to show for it."
"But you have Yusuke…and you have us we are your friends. I wish…I wish I had the nerve to speak to you before. All these years…"
"You were afraid; choosing to live with your choices alone just as I was. I don't blame you child. But as you said…Yusuke is something I can truly say I'm proud of…I see him as a son if I have to be honest. So yes when I think of what this past year has gotten me I can say that I have no regrets. Even if this is our first time in conversation I don't regret it because I know the growth you had to gain in order to open yourself to another person with your guard down. You think I didn't notice; your energy flow is much calmer than normal and your eyes are brown. Years ago you would have darted into the woods terrified of even making eye contact. You spoke up to ask if you could stay with the wolves and vowed never to bother me again and here we are years later shooting the breeze like old friends."
"I never thought about it like that, I am so far out of my comfort zone ha! I don't regret it though."
"And that is what I mean; hold onto your moxie and continue to grow." Genkai stared to walk away and Siera felt a troubling sense of foreboding in the air.
"Master Genkai…is this…the last time we will speak?" She stopped and looked back, her faded hair flowing in the wind as the clouds overhead began to darken.
"That all depends on your perspective…"
"Don't baby me."
"Yes. But understand this; I have made a decision and I stand by it; this has gone on long before you were born and there is nothing you can do about it."
"But Genkai…"
"I am at peace with this." With that the teacher walked away and Siera felt dread fill her heart. She wanted to run after her, stop her and keep her safe but she would only fight her and go either way. What was she to do, let her die?
No! Come Back, you are going to walk back to the hotel and go to bed, you're tired and feeling delirious!
Child I wasn't born yesterday I know when someone is trying to manipulate my mind; you think you're the first psychic to try?! Now don't come after me or I will put you in your place!
She was at a loss, she ran in the opposite direction not wanting to hear or see what was about to happen. Soon she was pacing in circles and hyperventilating, afraid and confused at what was happening. It never fails, the literal moment you get close to someone they leave you it never fails, it never fails! She was then back in the kitchen of her childhood hiding under the table as her parents argued they had gone back and forth before over the past moth but it was never this bad. Zoie was gone and she didn't know what to do; she watched as her father Maku, a dark skinned man with dreadlocks below his shoulders yell at her normally calm and collected mother in agitation.
"You do not understand the danger we are in Korrin; as long as you remain ignorant our daughter will never have a chance!"
"I don't understand? I have watched humans for centuries; their cruel and sadistic ways are not new to me. It is you that doesn't understand; that man has poisoned your mind and if this is the way you will act and speak in front of our daughter then we will simply leave!"
"You are not leaving!"
"YOU DO NOT tell me what I can and cannot do Maku!" He grabbed her arm forcefully and she slapped him hard. Siera watched curiously as he pulled some sort of paper from his pocket and slap it to her mothers face who screamed horrifically before going limp in his arms. Siera cried as the man she had always loved and worshipped flung her mother over his shoulder and carried her downstairs and all she could do was cover her ears and cry.
"Siera…HEY wake up! Did you see the old hag anywhere?!" She looked up with blurry eyes and saw Yusuke staring at her frustrated, her throat choking her so much that she could hardly speak she pointed in the direction she walked.
"Please…help her." She continued to hyperventilate as he raced away and she pulled her knees into herself again crying angrily at her weakness.
I should have done something…I should have tried harder…why do I always fail the people that are precious to me? Why can't I be stronger? She cried as she felt the immense display of power begin to rise and screamed in horror and grief as it hit its peak. She didn't know when or how she managed to climb into this little hole in the fetal position crying like a frightened child but she couldn't move, she wouldn't move.
She opened her eyes to see a younger version of herself; someone she hardly knew anymore sitting beside her curled body and placing a warm tiny hand on her.
She is only the first of many…you will lose them all.
"Shut up don't say that!"
You know I'm right; we always fail the ones we love, we do not deserve to be loved.
"No!"
Who's to say Shuichi isn't next?
"SHUT UP!" Siera cried as she looked to what she took to be a representation of her nervous breakdown who looked at her with calm brown eyes.
You know, we possess the bloodline of a Haitian prince and a powerful Youkai; yet you reject both given the situation not knowing what part of your blood is the evil incarnate that enrages you. We hold the power to manipulate the very thoughts of another and yet you allow yourself to be my victim. Do you not see it? The words settled upon her ears and she began to realize what had happened all along. Her insecurity controlled her in the exact same fashion she would control others.
"Am I going insane…will I be able to make you quiet and leave me in peace?"
Me? You are the one who is doing it. I am not the one cowering in fear like a child. She was right about that. Siera pulled her stiff body from its place and stood looking to herself with sore eyes.
It is unfortunate that this happened; but in order to honor one lost you must look to what that loved one wanted. She wanted you to hold onto your strength and open yourself; don't be afraid to make friends they do not always leave.
"Who are you?"
Obviously I'm you; you separated me from your unconscious mind to try to cope with this situation. You could say that I reside somewhere between your Id and your Ego. In other words you already had the wisdom to deal with it but you needed it to come from someone else, someone you trusted and so you made me. Once you have calmed I will go back to being insentient.
"You…before the earthquake…I was so happy then."
And you trust this part of you, you fight to protect it.
"I think I'm ok now, I just need to take a breath and find Yusuke…" the child faded away and she felt herself calm although grief still struck her heart. She ran in the direction Yusuke and Genkai left and soon enough he found him cradling her lifeless body and all breath left her. I should say something but what? I should have done something more…I can't face him…but I cant let him cry alone. She knelt adjacent to him and bowed in tears; she had no words of comfort, all she could do was cry.
It was quiet aside from their sobs and soon she looked up to fid hi and his teacher gone. She crept into the woods herself to get a hold of what to think or do. What did she want?
Let me tell you something; if you make a choice that you know in your heart is for the good of those around you, even if it sacrifices your own wishes dreams or even your life in the process don't ever regret it. You will waste your life away on regret and second guesses; choosing to live alone wondering when your past decisions will come back to haunt you, and then you will be an old fool like me with nothing to show for it.
She was right. No matter what I could have done, it was done and over; I can't live in regret but I will make sure to honor her for the rest of my own days. I did find some information I hadn't known about myself before; and I have to be careful not to manipulate myself and let my fears get in the way again.