Hey, I'm back! I would like to thank everyone who left any mark that you want me to continue this story, it makes writing easier. It was supposed to be two-shot, but actually I outgrew my own expectations and well, there will be third chapter for sure (I hope you don't mind ;)).
So, if you are still up for definitely-too-slow-action and messed up grammar and lots of Paula Agard and not-so-funny lines, please enjoy what is below.
"He can. Let's get inside, that's not the best place to have conversations," she says and passes Paula, giving clutched keys some usage. Both locks turn smoothly and she pushes the door open, stepping into his condo with self-confidence of a woman who owns this place. She does, doesn't she?
Her heels lands next to Harvey's running shoes ("They smell, Harvey, why did you even keep them in the closet in the first place?") and boxing trainers ("You serious? These too? Holly shit, whom do I sleep with?"). She sets the handbag, which she carried on her shoulder since they have exited the elevator, on a narrow table close to the door. This way she actually has something to do, as she waits for Paula to walk in and after she does, Donna faces her partner.
He sends her what-the-actual-fuck look and she tilts her head, rolling her eyes. She leans into him, her hands brush his and she whispers into his ear, "You would help Scottie. Or Zoe. Or any of your previous girlfriends."
"I don't consider these woman girlfriends," he confesses just as quietly.
"I know, I just needed to make a point. But if she's here to tell you, the two of you have a kid, I'm out," she says, her eyes raising to watch his reaction and the pure horror she sees here in instance makes her regret speaking out loud what she planned to be a tease. Her thumbs make soothing move against his skin as she wonders what scared him more – the thought of having a child or having one with his ex-girlfriend. I'm gonna ask him later. "I was joking, Harvey. If it would be the case, you would know months ago."
Her reassurement makes him let out louder breath through nose, but corners of his mouth are still tensed. "How can you be so sure?"
"I'm Donna. I know people. Don't worry, whatever it is, I don't think you play the first fiddle," she gives him tiny peck under the ear before she grabs paper bag and takes their dinner to the kitchen island, her eyes following the woman who seems to be taking in the surroundings like she has been there for the first time. Of course she is not, but she hasn't been there since Donna Paulsen started to live in here, at least partially. Not that an invitation was extended.
Two mugs on the counter left in rush – both marked by coffee, but only one with pink lips streak on it. Green apples (Harvey's snacks) are having comrades, red grapefruits mixed in the bowl with oranges, peeled parts of the latter still lying on a plate across the other one on a dining table. Next to them vase holding lovely bouquet of roses ("Without the occasion, silly. I'm just an amazing boyfriend… Feel free to remember that next time I piss you off."). Yoga mat hangs on the back of one chair, clearly used not so long ago.
On the coffee table lay two books - My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult and The Trial by Franz Kafka – and half burned blue candle. Across back of a couch draped is mermaid's tail shaped rug, colored in lively emerald green ("It's awesome. You're just jealous because my best friend has more imaginativeness than yours when it comes to gifts. Shoo, I'm reading."). Through the open door to the bedroom is easy to spot two new, fluffy decorative pillows sitting on a comforter. Everywhere Paula turns she can sense touch of woman's hand that alternated the space.
She doesn't know how long they have been together, but she doubts that when she was with Harvey, his place bore any signs of her presence here. Another confirmation of her poor decision making in love area, that seems to happen too often in her life. First her cheating husband, then relationship with her ex-patient who clearly was involved with someone else - the very person moving right now around his apartment with grace of someone who feels like at home, putting food away, changing the lighting from basic setting to her preferred ones, firing up the fireplace – and now that…
She turns around startled when Harvey throws suits he carried on the armchair close to the window. It's the first time she gets to look at him thoroughly without violating his privacy, not purposefully of course. She needn't extra reminder of what they didn't have - dalliance, domesticity, sexual tension - especially by observing her ex enjoying all of the above with possibly his soulmate. Now it was screaming to her so loud and clear, she felt like a last bitch (for a lack of more subtle word) for what she has almost done to this woman. Are her judgement skills really so ill-formed?
She notices thin line of his lips and his eyes are dark, his posture taut and she doesn't blame him for that. It's not perfect situation for her either. Actually it's so far from perfection she wish she would never fell in love. So she wouldn't have a reason to come to him and wouldn't have a reason to come to anyone at all.
"I'll let you guys talk."
She hears shuffling behind her indicating that Donna closed doors to the bedroom, probably disappearing inside and her guess is confirmed when she notices Harvey's eyes followed the sound, different kind of darkness shining for a second there. She is psychotherapist, not mind reader, but it's clear where their evening was leading to before her disruption… She swallows hard not finishing her previous thought.
"What can I do for you?" she hears Harvey saying, his focus on her, his tone business-like. He put hands in pockets of trousers, trying to look more casually.
Donna was right, he did jumped to that particular conclusion when he saw her on his doorstep. What man wouldn't? Especially when it seemed fate set the goal to kick his ass each time he starts to think he finally figured out some part of his life, Hardman coming after him a perfect example. Having a child with the woman he wanted to have no connections with, would be ideal fucking joke, he has to admit. But given what he observes in the ex in front of him, the child would have to probably got sick or die, because Paula does not look anywhere near good. Her eyes are marked by red, shadows underneath more visible then ever and the bottom lip looks like has bitten on it too many times. The paleness of her skin doesn't bode the best period in her life. Truth be told, she didn't even seem so shaken when he broke up with her and it means something.
She clears her throat, tossing a glance behind and looking on the couch.
"It's… actually longer story then I promised before, but I wasn't sure you let me in anyway… But if you wish to I can make it those two minutes," she declares cautiously, trying to gauge his reaction. Her apprehension goes not unnoticed and he decides to let this white lie slip by, years of practice as a best closer in the city taught him the bare minimum of when to push and when not.
"Have a sit."
Paula walks herself to the sofa, sitting on the same end she told him over a year before that she felt in their relationship were three people. What an irony, this time she is the third person in two-people situation. She makes quick peek on the rug on her right, the presence of her ex rival apparent even if she is not in the room. Next her gaze follows Harvey's movement, he has taken of his jacket, loosen up his tie and he is rolling up his sleeves as he sits on the armchair across the table.
"Because I have a chance, first of all I would like to apologize to you… and to Donna for what I made you do. It was unfair and at the time I was aware I could tell you thousand different outcomes for my confession, but I let you settle on fairing her out of my pettiness and hurt. I feel ashamed of that and I'm really sorry."
He nods slowly, processing her words. "Apology accepted, but I hope you will repeat yourself when Donna will come back," he watches the effect it has on her unwaveringly, spotting the surprise she covers quickly with that sorry expression of hers. This time he makes a comment. "You didn't think she would be sitting in the bedroom all time we talk, did you? As far as I'm concerned it's her place as well as mine, so there is no reason for her to hide."
He is aware Donna can hear him even when doors are closed and secretly wish to be able to see her reaction. They may not tell the world yet (excluding one noisy couple), but it feels damn right to say such words anyway. For him – it is her home.
The statement she receives turns something in her stomach sorely, the protectiveness that vibrated in there the reminder of something what was so purely Harvey. She thought she was completely over it now, over him, but sometimes she still wonders if their story could turn out different. Some event causing him to hold same safeguarding manner toward her… Perhaps no, it couldn't, yet it doesn't stop her from analyzing, that function of her brain always overworked.
"Of course, I will. And no, I didn't, of course," she repeats the same phrase and knows it sounds unconvincingly, so she continues with more true truth. "Although I was hoping to talk to you privately."
"And you are. If you didn't want to risk that I may not be alone, you might have called."
"You're right. It was inconsiderate of me. The thing is… I've got myself into nasty situation and I need semi-legal advice."
"How is that advice semi-legal?"
She hesitates before answering. "The whole case revolves around law as well as people and it seems this time I'm not able to manage at least people part on my own," she lowers her eyes on her a bit fiddling hands and this admission costs her better part of her pride, he can sense. Somehow her accent casts even more shameful shadow on that acknowledgement, like defeated British would be burned deeper inside than defeated American. Maybe it's really culture thing though.
"I do law, but I don't do people. Not as much as Donna does. Something tells me, whatever you are about to say, the shit is deep and her insight on it is gonna be crucial."
This woman would make an excellent therapist, Donna's prediction of her musings resurfaces in her head. If she would be in better mood she might even chuckle on that memory. Yes, she did thought that. The second part – Harvey has no idea what he's missing – also crossed her mind, but soon enough was repressed and buried in unconsciousness. The place for unwanted reflections holding now too many of them, so she gathers strength to free at least one.
"I believe you're right," she meets his eyes again, confirming what he said.
Just then, as waiting for a suitable moment (because she was), Donna reemerges into living room. Without doubt the woman was listening to their conversation, Paula turns into her direction anyway to deliver the same speech of regrets she gave Harvey.
Donna changed her attire – beautiful long-sleeved asymmetrical cobalt dress replaced with plain white top, gray cardigan and beige high-waisted trousers, her hair tied in messy bun, no sign of makeup on her face. As bitter as it is to think about the woman who eventually kind of won Harvey from her, redhead has something that men dream of. Hard to pinpoint, thing not based solemnly on appearance as on… Self-confidence? The sheer of life satisfaction she glisten with? Deep kind of understanding for people? Paula always thought she was one of women that had these aspects, well, now unfortunately she is nowhere near her previous certainty.
"Donna… I wanted to – "
"No need Paula, it's fine. I don't hold grudges. Usually. Okay, at least not for long," she snickers, putting her palm on her hip. "There isn't many people on my blacklist and you're not one of them."
"Oh… I'm not sure I want to know what people who are did," the blonde forces herself to put on half smile, yet she doesn't feel like joking around at all. She might swear she is on blacklists of few individuals already and it rather hurts.
"No, I don't think so," Donna shakes her head slightly as she moves toward the kitchen area. Paula's cellphone makes a ping and she fishes it from her pocket, bowing her head to read the text.
"Hey, really? I thought I end up on this list at least once a day," Harvey teases, sending his partner side smirk she gracefully accepts over her shoulder.
"No Harvey, for ones like you there is idiotlist. Yours and Louis's records are similar, but the two of you always stay on the podium."
"Who's third?"
"Out of sentiment, I have this place signed for Mike."
"So I'm the number one?"
"You don't have to be the number one everywhere, Mister."
You are for me, he mouths holding hazel stare with his chocolate pupils. The smile that cracks her mocking expression speaks love, love, love and warm emotion spreads over his body.
Donna dares swift glance in blonde's direction, not wanting to be caught during intimate moment again. As she is engrossed with writing a message, redhead mouths him back. I love you too.
Sweet seconds passed, he answers her previous words as he gets up to help her in the kitchen. "I'm offended."
"You were supposed to be." She puts few containers out of the paper bag, their dinner still satisfactory warm. Her nose is filled with delicious smells of Panang Curry, Chili Basill stir fired chicken, Pad Pong Karee with seafood and Mixed Entrée of rolls, what makes her stomach rumble. They both chuckle on her eagerness to dive into food.
Paula straightens, not aware of what has happened in front of her, but notices the lightness of their banter. It makes awful contrast to the text she has just received, pain and sadness washing over her in colossal wave. Her abdomen twists in ache, she's readying herself to speak her story, when she hears –
"You want to eat with us? There's plenty, we always order more than we are able to eat."
"No, thank you. I'm not hungry at all."
Donna's forehead creases on the tone of her voice. "But you sounds like you need a drink though."
"I've come by car," she says quietly and Specter-Paulsen couple shares Specter-Paulsen look.
Harvey grabs two glasses and pours dark red wine inside as Donna takes their food to the coffee table. Time to bite the bullet, she ponders, setting the containers on and sitting on the armchair closer to the fireplace. She wished to spend this evening in one hundred eighty degrees different way, yet she is proud of herself for calmness she presents. The level of maturity that might have not been there if she – they – wouldn't go through what she has been through three weeks ago. Giving her boyfriend's ex second chance when she comes in time of need seems fair considering how objectively easy she get away with the mess she created. Way to pay off her debts toward the universe?
Significant role also plays peace that Harvey gave her by confessing to Paula out loud he consider her by his side, next to him not only in the terms of work, but also home and life. He has nothing to hide and neither has Donna, so there is no need to walk around and mark her territory like a wild animal. She knows how much she means to him and doesn't feel threaten by blonde's presence, so she can actually put her guard down and listen to the story she's going to provide.
As her eyes follow Harvey's movements, she thinks she's proud of him too. For not jumping straight to the conclusions with whatever angst or bitterness he might explode with, for not rushing the other woman too quickly to tell what she's doing here, for making her participate in this even if he doesn't have to.
"So? Let's get over this," he says as he sits next to his present girlfriend… and maybe future wife.
"It's a really long story and it's quite complicated, I am not sure what parts should I spare you…" Paula starts, feeling terribly uncomfortable. Whole scenery resembles her of a couple therapy session – which she never gave by the way – but distorted in some cruel mirror, her being the patient and her former client ex-boyfriend and woman who he chosen over her being counselors.
"It doesn't matter, if you want us to help you, we gonna need the whole truth. Do not omit something just because it sounds bad, after all you wouldn't be there if it already wasn't pretty shitty," Donna comments, separating chopsticks, but her attention focused on Paula.
"How can you know?"
"I took a wild guess, it's usually right."
"It is. Ugh, okay," the blonde lets out and it goes on Harvey's nerves.
Can you finally stop bullshiting us and tell what the hell are you doing here? How long is this fucking preamble gonna last for fuck's sake? He has been patient enough, he cut her some slack but this farce has to end. Now. As if Donna was reading his mind (no Harvey, she has been reading just your facial expression), she shifts her leg so their knees touch and he stops himself from shouting his thoughts.
"It may sounds for you as I made up that story, but… in the beginning of the fall I.. met a guy," Paula manages to say, feeling completely ashamed with herself. Part of her dignity is already devasted, so she has nothing to lose, right? "His name is Lucas, it was totally random. I was in the bookstore looking for a book a friend of mine published back then and when I picked it up, he asked me if it's worth reading. We started to talk, he seemed to be genuinely interested in clinical psychology – that's what the book was about. Then he asked me out and eventually I agreed."
Okay, if it starts as some movie scenario, it's gonna be massive crap, crosses Donna's mind as she chews on her stir fired chicken. She casts look at Harvey, who is sipping his wine and seems to be not bothered by his ex's story. He looks almost bored, actually.
Paula, at the other hand, swallows hard, her eyes go misty for a moment, but she gathers herself soon.
"Long story short, one date led to another and we started to be couple. He was perfectly fine, he had… has nice job in IT, owns his place. He was in separation with his wife, who cheated on him because he was working hard for his family and 'didn't give her enough time'. I could relate to what he has been going through and I thought - isn't it how people always explain themselves for cheating? Anyway, he has seven years old daughter and her mother was limiting their time together during their separation. I felt sorry for him, he seemed to be hurting, he spoked so proudly of this girl."
Harvey shifts, leaning more into seatback and bringing some rolls with himself as he made a break from eating curry. Lack of integrity, family issues, suffering child. He knows the pattern himself all too good.
"Quickly I grew… fond of him. He seemed to be very interested in me, in my job. He were saying he always appreciated the knowledge of mind and that he tried to read some psychology books, but he lacked the abilities to understand it. I find it flattering to watch his exactment for my field and I was happy to talk to him. We were close, spending… lovely time together. I was… dumbfounded with how much attention he was giving me, how involved in our relationship he was. For a while, I was living on cloud nine…"
At that point Donna is already sure the man has to be some sort of con artist. He had to have greater interest in relationship with Paula, that goes without saying. What she can notice as well is the fact, how much emphasis the blonde lays on his focus on her… It actually makes sense to redhead, after being dumped by Harvey – she deserved that, but whatever – she probably needed to feel recognized and this Lucas filled that role. The question is though, what was he up to? What has he done to her?
"When it came to psychology, he was still mostly interested in clinical staff – anxiety, neuroticism, depression. Especially the last one… I let him use my library, since it's not like these books are being forbidden from normal audience… Last week, after six months of us being the couple, I've been called as a deponent in his divorce case, I guessed as his partner. He wasn't happy about that, I could tell, because, he 'didn't want to involve me in his unfinished business', but I said it was okay, I wanted to help so his wife wouldn't take a custody from him on grounds that he works too much and he is not capable of taking care of a child he almost doesn't know."
Paula is talking with her eyes fixed on the fireplace, not daring to observe their reaction to her words. She doesn't want to know what she may find there: ridicule, indifference, pity?
Donna puts away her half empty container and locks her gaze with Harvey's. The boredom that she has seen there a while ago is gone, replaced with suspicion. Both of them have met so many shady people during their work in law firm that spotting next one is child's play. They can sense that up to this point it was calm before the storm, the worst part yet to come.
"Yesterday I took the stand ready to give one of the most convincing speeches I have ever given. I was asked about our relation and my profession and it seemed that some part of their case was relied on it and that my judgement as a person qualified in human psychology should hold greater consideration. I was trying to prove what a caring man he is, how highly he spoke of his daughter, how compassionate nature he has because of his interest in my field… I don't know what happened here, but something must have clicked in mind of the other attorney, he requested break before his turn to asked me questions. It bothered me as well as change in Lucas's behavior, he started to fidget and whisper something nervously to his lawyer…"
"After the break his wife's attorney asked me again about my work. What therapy school I studied in, how long I have been practicing, if I had some troubles in my career. He asked me how much I knew about circumstances that led to this divorce and I told him the truth. He looked me thoroughly and I've started to sense I miss something in that story. He asked me what Lucas's main interest in psychology was, I answered and just then he told me that…" her voice breaks, she shifts her arms, crossing them in front of herself, half hugging, half closing her posture. Tears shine in her eyes and despite lack of fondness Donna feels toward this woman, she predicts what she is about to say and cannot stop her emotional side from hurting too.
The pause Paula makes hangs in the room, no other sounds then their breaths and fake cracking wood noise.
Eventually, not entirely sure she is going to continue, Donna presses her, "And what did he say?"
"That I was helping Lucas worsen mental state of his wife, he was gathering information how to play her illness against her and how to take away her custody. His wife didn't cheat on him, she has been suffering from high-functionating depression since their daughter was born. He was gaslighting her each time he had a chance, he was manipulating their daughter to turn her against her mother. He didn't want to say too much, but it was enough. Minutes before I was still thinking I am helping my partner win a fair share of custody, not take it completely from his suffering wife… I've never felt so hurt as I did yesterday and I think it was visible, because after I finished I was let out of the courtroom to breathe in some fresh air," as if someone turned Paula off, somewhere in the middle of the monologue her voice grew detached, yet her blue orbs are still covered by sheer of salty water.
"After the hearing I managed to contact the psychiatrist of this woman and after, well, begging he finally not told me about her case. Although he told me about some patient in a very similar situation that I cannot share knowledge about to anyone, but I guess you are mine confessors now…" she laughs bitingly at herself.
"He told me how her depression started as a postpartum depression, she was left alone with newborn and couldn't cope with new responsibilities. It usually lessen and at some point, with adequate treatment even disappear but for her continued and then turned into regular depression. Her husband wasn't helping her, he was worsening her symptoms – criticizing her parenting methods, her household management skills… He was abusive and cruel and ugly. At some point she was starting having suicidal thoughts but on the surface, she was keeping herself together. She has someone to fight for, even if she used to think she is terrible mother. At some point Luc… her husband called her 'useless' and he filled divorce papers. It actually would do this woman some good if he didn't threaten her he would take away the kid from her. The rest of the story you already know and… I let this happen."
Harvey leans forward, his elbows on his knees, truly concerned with what he's hearing. Yes, he didn't like Paula anymore very much, yet she isn't bad person and he would never, ever wished anything like that to happen to her. He could only imagine how deeply betrayal of this man – no, of this son of a bitch, this shit, bastard, motherfucker – cut her inside. What an asshole treats his wife and his partner like that? Manipulate all of them for his wicked goal? He should have never have a child in the first place, let alone any parental laws! This scumbag doesn't deserve any rights and for Harvey this would do him justice. He would rip this guy apart with his bare hands if he had a chance, the amount of resent he has for this kind of dicks limitless. He feels his jaw tense even more as he wonders if his attorney knew everything about that damn story and worked for him anyway, because if it's true, he is same rotten jerk.
Harvey wants to say something, but just when he is about to, Donna's palm clasps upon his and she shakes her head slightly, telling him wordlessly it's not right moment to interject. Her face – full of pain for innocent souls that suffered by this shit – makes his heart skip a beat. He moves his fingers between hers, gives her light squeeze to soothe her worry a bit. She smiles melancholy back.
It's not me who needs comfort here right now.
Paula turns abruptly, somehow out of her trance and looks at them with very sober, yet very wet eyes, her breath coming in sharp takes. What she sees is not what part of her expected, there's no hate or disgust, just surprise and solicitude. Donna extends her left hand towards her with napkins that were attached to chopsticks, mute offer of a consolation. The blonde chuckles sadly accepting them.
"Is there any legal way for me to help this woman? I feel so terrible for what I've been participating in, I wish I could make up for what I did at least partially… Keep them away and safe from Lucas," she almost chokes on that name.
Harvey doesn't have an immediate response for that, aware both women waiting for an answer. In his mind he rumbles through possible options, but doesn't find correct one.
"Everything this son of a bitch did was done in bad faith and I doubt the judge missed that. He also manipulated you, his wife and child. He caused her medical condition to worsen and that's could be consider as damage to helath. I bet he is going to pay for that already. As for this woman… I'm not sure is there anything you can do. Not in court. Not from the position that he put you in. But when this whole shit ends, maybe she would let you talk to her," he knows sometimes, when your hands are tied, the only way to do something is to ask for redemption.
"Paula, you have to know, it's not your fault. You couldn't have known that this bastard was using you," redhead speaks softly, trying to lessen the hurt she sees in front of her. "You are just a human."
"That's it, Donna! I'm not only human, I'm psychotherapist! I should know something," she exclaims, her anger directed to herself, not them. She takes long inhale, trying to calm her nerves before she will move to the second worst part. She cannot decide what makes her heart ache more.
"Before he let me go, her attorney called to my professional side, if I had even a shadow of a doubt that Lucas is too engrossed in our talks for a person who was not psychologist. And truth be told – I hadn't. Nothing ringed a bell inside me. I was living such a dream life for a half a year… I felt treasured, cared upon… as his priority. His interest in me clouded my judgement completely. I've been working with people for years, I've seen so many patterns of narcists. They always pretend to be charming and involved in life of the other person, but they do it only for personal gain… Now when I look at that, I see a thousand warning signs and I have no idea how could I missed that," she exhales painfully, shaking her head. "How am I supposed to believe in my judgement anymore?"
She meets their eyes, carefully avoiding making a glance at their intertwined fingers.
"He fooled me as if I knew nothing and now it may cost me my career."