Another journal entry. Hope you enjoy.

Jason bag now fully unpacked took a seat on the small bed in the small room that was to be his at the orphanage until they kicked him out at 18. Letting out a deep sigh Jason reached into his jacket and pulled out his journal. Undoing the latch Jason opened it up and flipped to his new favorite image, it was the last time he, his mom, and his friends were together. It was a big dinner party in celebration of their band getting signed, just a day before they left with their parents bound for Zootopia. He smiled at it fondly for a minute before flicking through and reading some entries over the past few years.

February 14th 2012

Well my friends are gone, today was the day they finished packing and headed off to the great city of Zootopia. Seth. Cody, Chris, and Steve bid me farewell as they hopped on their brand new tour bus for their band.

Am I sad to see them go? Of course I am. But I am more proud than anything, I'm damn proud. They are following their dreams. They promised to stay in contact and show up whenever they are in town, so that's good enough to me…also they promised free tickets and merchandise, so bonus.

January 27th 2013

Autism, my autism…it's such a burden, and it makes my life a burden…it makes it a burden for others as well. I often wonder if my friends are friends with me because they know no one else would be, so they take pity on me…and I sometimes wonder if my mother loves me only because I am her son and she's supposed to.

Luckily my training regiment is helping with the fun aspects of my condition, my dislike pf physical contact, my inability to make eye contact, hatred of loud noises and bright lights. All of it. I've been doing this regiment since 08 and I'm making good progress but at the same time, really slow progress. Still the process is helping, I can stand nosies up to 180 decibels and I can stand LED lights as long as they are blinking….I still hate the fucking sun though.

October 18th 2014

My mom has cancer. I've suspected something was wrong for the past few months, she was coming home later than usual and looking ragged and tired. That was my first indication something was wrong. I'd ask her what's wrong and she'd brush it off and make some poor excuse. Then medical bills started showing up in the mail, I never opened them though. No she would have been hurt that I was snooping, that she couldn't tell me on her own time when she was ready.

Well today she got a phone call from the doctor, so I listened in and it confirmed my suspicions…except it's so much worse than I thought. She has Pancreatic cancer…and it has a 95% fatality rate…my mom only has a five percent chance of surviving.

It's something I'm struggling with so much…I'm genuinely sad. (Tear drops stain the page in spots) I'm actually crying! I haven't cried in years! I'm going to lose my mom! I want to run to her and embrace her, hold her, so many things! So many things I haven't really fully felt before! HOW COME IT TAKES THE REALITY THAT I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MOM TO FINALLY FEEL SOMETHING!?

…..There's nothing I can really do but support her the best I can. I won't let her know that I know, I'll let her tell me when she's ready too…. I'll also do my best to prepare myself for the eventuality of losing her.

September 30th 2015

ALFRED YOU TRAITOROUS SON OF BITCH! Gods I am so furious right now! It turns out Alfred was spying on me for my mother! I trusted him! I was told that he was to be my confidant, someone I could talk to and rely on! Someone who wouldn't go behind my back! I told him so much in confidence! I spoke to him more than anyone else on this earth! I thought he was my friend!

He promised me everything I told him would stay with him and I find out he's been giving progress reports on me! Everything I've told him he's told my mother! And there is so much I never wanted my mother to know or hear me say! Thank whatever I didn't tell him I knew my mom had cancer! But still there is so much, so much stuff I had confided in him! HE BETRAYED ME!

I cast him out of the house without a second thought the moment I discovered it! He had left his phone open on a conversation with my mother when leaving to use the restroom. My curious nature got a hold on me and it looked, and immediately became horrified when he was relaying a conversation me and him had just had! I scrolled up and up and up and up just to discover this has been going on for YEARS! Since the very first day he and I met!

I refused to listen to any explanation he had to say nor will I! Whenever my mother gets home she will be getting an earful as well!...and just when I was beginning to think I might be able to trust other mammals.

March 30th 2017

…An interesting development occurred today….I got to meet my grandmother. Oh the scenarios I had imagined in my head of the things I would say and do if I ever got the chance. But when it was presented to me…a lot of that melted away…my disdain and hatred ended up as cold and neutral.

When I saw here in the security camera feed I saw how nervous she was. She not only looked nervous for what would await her when she answered that door, but I noticed her looking behind her like at any moment someone was going to show up and snatch her up…well I know from stories who that could be.

But when she looked at the door I could see how hopeful she was that her daughter wouldn't just shut the door when she saw who it was and how fearful she was that her daughter would. Seeing my grandmother like that cooled me down a bit, made me decide I would at least here her out. But if I didn't like what she had to say, well I wouldn't allow her to see her daughter.

When I was the one that answered the door I gave her a small fright as if she had forgotten I existed..I wasn't to hurt by that, after all she was forced to pretend I didn't exist by a certain piece of walking shit since the day of my birth. It didn't take her very long to recover though and she looked upon her grandson with a look even I could decipher, regret. She missed seeing me grow up, not being a part of my life, and she truly regretted that.

She said one of the typical you look so grown up lines and I answered in my signature bluntness. I immediately turned to go get myself some juice while telling her to come in. I may have had my back to her, but I could tell I shocked her with what I said and how I said it. It wasn't a surprising reaction by any means. I know I'm a lot to take in.

I offered her some of my juice and explained my condition, as well as giving her a speech about how I felt about her. How I was fine she hadn't been in my life…if I'm being honest that was a white lie…but still. I told her that I was mostly mad because of what she did to my mother, abandoning her which was true I was more mad for that reason.

…you know I don't blame her for not being in my life, not really. I wholly blame my grandfather for that. I heard the horror stories about him from my mother, how he's controlling, abusive, narcissistic, and does not treat females as equals…among other things.

My grandmother confirmed he was the reason she wasn't in my life, and when she described how he was she sounded genuinely scared….damn it I tried. I really did. When she basically said she was afraid of him I tried to breakthrough to her, to her to leave him. That she would be protected. That she could stay here….what a damn fool she is. She said she still loved the bastard.

July 12th 2018

(Tears stain this entry all over.)

Just buried my mother today. It…it was something I saw coming for a long time. She fought hard, she really did, but pancreatic cancer is practically impossible to walk away from. When it spread to her brain that's all it took, the fight was over. She lasted one more year, preparing herself and everything else. Then once it was done, she passed quietly in the night.

I was there when it happened, she was in her bed the doctors had provided, she wanting to die at home rather in some hospital. I was next to her in a chair, holding her paw as she slept. I stayed awake staring at her for hours, hours….but the second I closed my eyes…she flatlined then and there.

Doctors of course didn't try and revive her, there was no point. So they turned of the machines, unhooked all of the crap from her, recorded the time of death, and then left to let me say my goodbyes…of course it was only after she was gone that I fully cried, bawling for the first time as I hugged her form one last time…I'm even doing it now, bawling like a newborn kit.

Jason, now finished reading flicked to a new page, which just happened to be the last in this journal. Pulling out his pen he made the last entry.

July 24th 2018

…I can feel myself withdrawing into myself. I have stopped talking since my mom died….I just feel if it isn't her I'm talking to it's words wasted…so I don't speak. All of my training to act normal has gone away, and I've reverted back to my simplistic ways. Because she's gone I don't have anyone to have to act for…I find it to be much easier this way. I find it easier to be this way period.

I don't care if I am antisocial, or that I'll be alienated again. Because there's really no point at all. I've arrived at this orphanage and I'm content to stay here until they kick me out at 18. I'm going to be 17 this year so a two year wait will be nothing to me. Once I'm out and 18 I'll be able to access that trust fund my mom put up for me. Should be a few million in there. Once I have it…I think I'll go to Zootopia.

I'm not going to call my friends and tell them what's happened, they don't know. Neither do their parents. My mother wished to keep her condition and such quiet, so that's what I shall do…also, I don't want to burden them…I definitely won't be telling that traitorous snake Alfred either, I wouldn't trust him with my care if he was the last mammal on earth…So here at the orphanage I will stay, at the very least…it appears I'll have ample opportunities to blow of some steam…heh just ask the deer and wolf I met earlier.

Okay we are back on track now. Give me your thoughts on these journal entries please! Tell me Jason is loved!