On Monday morning I left the note on Seth's locker. I told him I needed to talk with him about some things. This was going to be very hard for me. I never wanted to break Seth's heart, but what Leah said on Saturday was true. I had looked back over the last few months of hanging out with Seth and the others.
Some of the guys were taken and would never dream of hurting the girls they were with. But the ones who weren't taken seemed to be a little flirty with me. At the time I didn't realize that's what was happening. I'm surprised that Seth never told me or never got mad about it. I just wondered what Seth's real reason for dating me was.
I'm almost certain it was possible that this was some phase. Mom had even told me to be careful because not all high school boys are very nice. She was worried about me being hurt. To some extent I did feel hurt. I knew that I made this out to be a lot bigger than what it was, but I never thought feeling like this about someone could even exist. Even as I thought about breaking Seth's heart, it was slowly killing me. I didn't like this feeling.
I waited until lunch to talk with Seth. I knew it was crazy of me to be like this or even go through with this plan, but I needed to rip the band aid off quickly. I knew it was going to be painful. Not just for Seth, but for me too.
I walked into the cafeteria and looked around the lunchroom. Seth was sitting with his usual group of friends. Well the guys he always hung out with at Sam and Emily's place were his friends anyway. I walked over to where they were sitting. I could actually feel my heart racing and my stomach churn as I got closer. About halfway there, all courage I had just fled my body. I stood frozen for a minute. I wanted to walk over to Seth and hug him so badly and tell him everything. I had to keep reminding myself of what Leah said though.
Before I even knew it I was crying. I stood in the middle of the cafeteria looking like an idiot. I was staring at this boy that I loved for so long as I cried that people were starting to stare at me. The guys Seth were with looked at me and told Seth something. That's when he turned to look me in the face. His warm smile immediately turned to a frown. I turned and ran out of the cafeteria just as Seth was about to get up.
I quickly ran out of the doors to the cafeteria. I ran straight outside and into the woods. I had ran so far that I had no idea how long I'd been running for. It was still daylight. As long as I was able to get out before dark I should be fine. I decided to stay here for a little bit. I texted Seth as I sat down on a bench in the woods.
B: Seth, I'm so sorry about that. There is something I need to tell you.
I waited for him to reply.
S: It's ok. Why are you so upset? What happened? I want to help you.
B: Seth I don't know how to put this nicely, but I'm going to try.
S: Put what nicely? Brittlyn what's going on with you?
B: Seth I'm breaking up with you.
S: What? Why?
B: I talked to Leah on Saturday when you went to talk with Sam. She told me some stuff that made me think about us. Don't be mad at her. I just think that maybe a little time apart would do us some good. I'm sorry Seth.
I waited a few minutes for a reply. I didn't get one. I figured Seth was really angry right now. I'm happy that I wasn't there to see him be upset. I couldn't have went through with this if I had to sit there and watch how he reacted. Suddenly the hurting in my chest from before got a hundred times worse. I couldn't imagine what this pain was from. The last doctor's appointment I went to said I was fine.
The pain was making me hurt so much that I had trouble breathing. I couldn't move it was so bad. I tried to focus on getting my breathing under control. I knew that this wasn't a normal reaction. It felt like someone had punched their fist through my chest and was ripping my heart out. I stood up off the log so I could start walking home.
I thought I stood up too fast because I was feeling dizzy and sick. I forced myself to focus long enough to get home. As I walked in the front door, mom came in to see who it was. When she first looked at me she looked shocked. The dizzy and sick feeling as well as the chest pains were getting worse. I had to grab onto something very quickly before I fell over. I couldn't even speak.
"Honey, you look awful! What's wrong? What's going on?" Mom asked me.
I didn't have the strength to answer her.
"Brittlyn answer me!" Mom told me sternly.
I looked up at her, eyes wide and worried. I took a step backwards as I looked at her. I closed my eyes and everything went black. I didn't hear or see anything else after that. In fact I didn't even feel anything. I just remember blackness. The feel of nothingness. Nothing was in my black space. Not even my thoughts or my voice. It was a void and I was just floating there. I couldn't see or hear or feel or touch anything. All my senses had left me.
After what seemed like a few minutes to me, I started hearing things again. They were voices that I recognized. It sounded mostly like my mother's voice. It sounded like all the voices I heard were shouting and whispering at the same time. Maybe even saying a prayer. I couldn't make out any of the words because it was all going too fast.
As I still see the blackness, I start noticing other senses coming back to me. I feel something soft under me. The blackness begins to swirl. There is dead silence except the noises coming from outside and a couple voices from downstairs. Then I become conscious enough to open my eyes. I feel confused and disoriented. I looked around to see that I was now laying in my bed in my room. That's when I noticed my breathing and the chest pains were still there to a lesser degree now. I felt a tingliness in my arms and lips now. I waited to see if anything else new popped up.