fel: here I go writing again. Side note everyone I know is shocked I don't like soulmates. It really is inherently disturbed. Think about it, even in just the whole find a matching mark thing there is a societal implication that you cannot feel true love or happiness without it. It would be commoditized and that is disgusting. Some people would even fake it for celebrity. there's just a lot to unpack there

When Flynn was seventeen there was a guy he wanted to like. They were for the lack of better words pretty much everything they wanted to date at the time. He really wanted to. He wanted to love someone other than Yuri just so he could look back and say that it was real. But he couldn't. He couldn't do it any time he tried.

And he tried, beautiful girls? Sobbing mess on the floor feeling guilt he didn't want to experience.

Kisses with other people? Their face would remind him of Yuri… every road lead back to Yuri and Flynn is not proud of the thought but he was a kid- he's still pretty much a kid in some regard- he wanted to kill Yuri. If Yuri was dead he could be free. If Yuri was dead he'd be like the others who lost someone sad but liberated.

Living with someone, growing up with them, a mark on your wrist that you burn off your flesh till it crawls on your back so you never have to look at outside a mirror, the knowledge that anyone you think you could love in that fashion is barred by a needle-like prick in your brain that grows until you fall apart.

Flynn hates it. Probably even more than Yuri because Yuri- Yuri does not give a shit about romance or hooking up with people. He's shown sexual interest but for the most part, he doesn't care so he doesn't even attempt to fight fate. "Why bother trying? Even I get far along their face is just gonna start looking like yours at some point and I don't want that."

It's understandable but also for Flynn growing up it was hell because he honestly didn't want to think of Yuri in that fashion. There's something about growing up with someone and seeing them with a face covered in acne or knowing how grimy and gross they were twenty-four-seven because you share a room that damps the mysticism of erotic thought to a halt.

There's also the fact that Yuri looked like he was twelve till he was about sixteen and they both know it. They even joked about how Yuri's face finally hit puberty with the rest of him. But that was just the carnal side. It said absolutely nothing about the emotions.

How Yuri was just a friend and sometimes in the mix of it all he wanted less than that.

All in all, there was a lot of reason but another was simply Flynn wanted the freedom to choose. He really tried to choose. In the end, the hand of anyone else was out of reach and he continued to say it was fine. That it was okay.

When they joined the knights, Flynn was actually excited at the prospect that he and Yuri would be in separate quarters go to separate units but the mark was where the rub lied.

"Ya know what happens if you separate soulmates for too long? It's not pretty."

"But, we want to be apart!" Flynn had protested to the instructor and all they did was shake their head and tsk.

"Look, you're still young. I get it. You think you know best on who you want and how you want it to be but you don't. You can't." The officer seemed sad when he looked at him. Like he understood Flynn's desire for rebellion that many others wanted in on as a phase you grow out of. That you'll realize the mark was right from day one, but Flynn has never been sure.

He can't be sure because it never felt like free will.

Watching Yuri fall on his knees and cry 'I love you' every time he rebelled or blood dripping from his sinuses every time he tried to cheat on Yuri. Any act of rebellion, any act of fighting, every moment of just hoping that he could love another platonically…

Flynn wanted his goddamn freedom back!

It was a small red drop you could almost mistake for candy. "You take this and it'll trick your brain long enough to think you're with your soulmate."

"Really?" Flynn was hesitant but he'd been told by a lot of people it was a great cheat. Little drawbacks and you got to be free even for just four hours a pop. "Are there really no side effects?"

"Eh, it's a bit of a minor high and a little addicting but it's worth it to get a break from that shit." He passed over the gald and popped it in his mouth on his next date.

It was surprisingly acidic and felt like eating a solid chunk of vinegar but the feeling was near instant. If only for that time he was free and it was great. He kissed and he laughed. He did stuff he couldn't before and yes, the only real drawback was a minor fuzz over his memories like he'd been drinking.

Yuri asked if Flynn really hated him that much one night after he'd been using them for a few months. "It's not a matter hate. I just want a choice."

He took another and let the feeling roll in him as he went out that night.

"You know those things are bad for you right? One of the guards said it rots your brain if you use it long term."

Flynn had heard that but fuck off with that logic. He feels free! Actually free! Like that mark isn't there and he has a choice in his life because every other choice besides this and joining the knights feels like fate laid it out some way. He didn't choose to be born a slum kid who watched his mom die. He didn't choose to love Yuri. He didn't choose to grow up the way he did!

There are so many little things that happened because he had to. Love shouldn't be one of them.

"You can't keep it up forever." Yuri's voice cuts deep because Flynn knows it. He knows that these pills will kill him eventually but he's scared to stop. He's scared because he started dating this one person and Flynn really likes them. He really likes it.

He clutches the pill bottle tightly and there's so much guilt in him because he knows that even if quiets right now he's still going to be tempted because free will felt good to a point that he almost didn't mind. It's Yuri hand that takes it out and chucks it out the window.

"You don't need that shit. Just fight it on your own terms."

It doesn't stop Flynn from buying more and Yuri keeps throwing it out and keeping an eye on him.

He starts crying in Yuri's chest at some point during the night after his body starts going through withdrawal symptoms, "I'm sorry you're stuck with me."

All he gets is a gentle rub on his back as the mark corrects Flynn for his unfaithfulness. He doesn't remember what he sobbed out in pain but he knows that he woke up in the infirmary with a high fever and that Yuri suddenly looked different.

Lovely would probably be a good word. He's not sure how to put it but looking at Yuri now hurt with an unknown emotion that made him want to cry. So he buried it. And when it bubbled up when Yuri smiled at him he buried it more.

He'll fight fate with everything he has. Because Flynn is getting a choice in this and no mark on his back is going to tell him what to do.