felinis: I got back into writing fanfiction and being on social media solely because I was lonely at college and have no friends or social life. I did this to fight loneliness and the longer I'm online in a fandom the lonelier I feel. And I'm wondering if I should disappear again but then I wouldn't know what to do after

When Yuri left the knights the thing that concerned him the most was the warning he got from others about what it would do to leave. It wasn't said often but it was common knowledge of why soul mates do not part till death. That wasn't even mentioning how Flynn changed after the pill snap. It wasn't enough for most people to notice but when no one was looking his eyes would glaze over a little and his breathing would turn shallow.

Yuri had asked about that from a doctor while Flynn was catatonic in bed almost a month and all he got was a said shake from their head. "Your soulmate is never gonna function the same way ever again."

"Oh, come on, it can't be that bad," Yuri had huffed hoping that reaction would make the news go down easier.

The doctor held up the pill bottle Yuri had found stashed in Flynn's dresser, "You said he was taking these for over six months?"

"I mean about a year if we're gonna be accurate."

The doctor pinched the bridge of his nose in absolute frustration. "Look, I'm just being honest, he's lucky to be alive. It's important you stopped him when you did because this level of dosage," He shook the bottle and the pills rattled inside, "Would have killed him probably in the next month. His brain is fried. When he gets back to normal he'll still be fried."

Yuri swallowed and tried not to think about how when he last saw Flynn he was inanely letting out a stream of love based sentiments. "Is he... is he gonna have to quit the knights?"

"Probably not given some time, but he's going to really need you nearby. I'd hold his hand every few hours or something. Just give him contact while his brain fixes itself."

"How long will that be?"

"He's fucked for life, kid. Those pills he was taking, we call them grievances because they're prescribed to people who lost their soulmate and could be suicidal. They are not meant to be used long term in any capacity or on anyone with a living soulmate.

What he did was trick his brain into thinking you were there being absolutely happy all the damn time. Those drugs are gonna make him paranoid when you aren't around no matter how much he hates it because his body is convinced that something is wrong with him otherwise."

Yuri didn't want to believe it, "So he's going to spend the rest of his life having a panic attack if I so much as leave the room?"

"No. The first few weeks, but the mark will relevel him out till he can have some distance. He's just really going to need you nearby pretty much always. Otherwise… well, ya know."

Yuri does know. He knows because he's seen it on the streets in the shadiest parts of the Lower Quarter and he's seen the signs in couples who tried to run away. He's seen that invisible binding chain snap with a recoil that left the people broken. That's why he didn't press further.

Flynn clung to him a lot for the first few weeks he was back. A lot of people thought it was sweet but Yuri would always note the lines in Flynn's mouth and how he consistently shook with slight rage or how that glazing was frosted in frustration. Like Flynn was trying to fight his own mind.

Flynn would sometimes just stare at him at night with both his body and mind elsewhere saying, "I love you."

And it freaked Yuri the fuck out because Flynn would never say I love you to him before. That was something Flynn had been incredibly iron-willed about no matter how much he thought back against the mark and was lashed back at. He never said 'I love you' because Flynn understood just like him that this wasn't real. This wasn't his choice.

Yuri didn't even give two shits about dating! Flynn did and for some reason, he's supposed to think it's super awesome that Flynn's tied to him? Yuri's not what Flynn wants because Yuri doesn't want anything like romance. Yuri just wants to live and be himself.

He just wants the right to opt out.

So every time Yuri heard those words he would ignore them because it's not Flynn saying it. No, Flynn's off in a dream then. Same with any time he tried to kiss him or told he was beautiful.

It was actually one the happiest moments in his life when Flynn had said he should leave the knights. "You don't have to pretend you want to stick around."

"We made a promise as kids didn't we?"

Flynn's smile had been absolutely venomous, "Take a different path then."

"Flynn, but you're not-"

"Don't fucking stand around being miserable for my sake just because I'm a little sick! I'm suffocating with you! So either you leave the knights or I will." Yuri is not proud to say it, but in that moment seeing Flynn so livid had made his heart pound with joy.

That emotion- that rage- felt real. It felt like the first real thing he'd seen from Flynn towards him in forever and Yuri felt like a weight was being lifted.

Flynn wanted him gone.

Flynn wanted him gone and he wanted to be gone.

So that night he left his room with a small sack of clothes and the knowledge he'd come for everything else in the morning. He kept walking towards the door even when Flynn's brain seemed to snap like a switch and he turned to begging and holding him down

He ignored the kind words that wormed around the ways Flynn would scream for him get out his life.

Yuri left and moved back into his old room at the Comet. He left and felt free and himself now that Flynn wasn't around as a constant reminder. Now that he just could be utterly alone. It felt good to be alone in this sense. Like he didn't need another person always at his side.

The only downside was that Flynn did still need him and Yuri's wrist would burn and burn until they made contact again. It was never long. Just a brief brush of their hands or long gazes and a nod. Simple things that connected their paths ever so briefly before they parted again.

This way, this method of living their life Yuri could live with it. Yuri was happy with it.