...don't tell anyone I haven't really worked on my big bang fics...

"I was the one who ruined it." Flynn knows he shouldn't be so soppy to say that. Knows but says it anyway as he uses Repede as a makeshift pillow ever grateful that he's allowed the comfort. Flynn has had to much time to think on the words he's said and things he did.

You're not coming back.

He hadn't been thinking about it until he saw an argument between a couple on board that escalated to a familiar degree that forced him to retreat.

Flynn hadn't realized until people started asking but he wasn't sure anymore what their relationship outside of that loathsome word. What was he to Flynn? That was what stung and peeled grinding at his flesh from the inside of his ribcage.

Because… he didn't know if what they were could be called friends. Not after how much Flynn pushed him away. Tried to pry their relationship apart for what even? He didn't even know what Yuri was doing for work before the wanted posters came.

When he actually stopped to think about it he didn't know a lot of things. He just assumed. He assumed a lot of things. The night before Zaude he had thought about how he felt pitied that Yuri would be forced to drop everything just to keep him well... It was an obligation but…

At Mantaic by the cold pool of the oasis he'd been ready to seriously hurt Yuri. If anyone else had seen him- taking the law into his own hands- all these disregards for the law all these harsh actions and yes, Flynn had asked Yuri to quit the knights and yes he wanted Yuri to in any way keep that promise he made but he didn't want this. He didn't want a murderer.

He didn't want someone who threw out the rules like they were scraps of paper and he didn't want someone who was constantly frustrating him by how often he got in trouble and how that reflected on him. Yuri couldn't possibly understand the frustration of having people talk behind his back about having a soulmate who was always being thrown in jail.

Yuri made him furious constantly and if he could Flynn would hate him. He would hate him because he wanted so much to feel more than slight irritation at all this but every time that little prick and he wasn't thinking how Yuri killed a man and how that action could have hurt people even with all the good intentions. Instead he was thinking things that were benign and irksome like how pretty Yuri's hair was with the glow of the moon. About how it been weeks since he'd brushed hands with his soulmate and how that embrace would be…

How it disgusted him but also how hard he wished that Yuri could for one day just know the hell Flynn went through. Why living with him at the center of his thoughts made Flynn sometimes wish that Yuri would up and die. How he sometimes wondered if his mother never thought to take Yuri in would they have met? Or would it all at least been delayed?

Either way the mark- Yuri- his condition- this- everything that was happening- it all made his blood boil.

Amid all of it he grabbed Yuri by the shirt and smacked his lips against his and bit hard enough to draw blood. "I hope you snap harder than I do some day. So you can feel half the agony I do."

Flynn did that- he said that…

You've said worse

Over the years he's said so much worse. If Yuri were alive would he hate him? At the very least resent Flynn for all the horrid words and gestures he threw over the years. Would he pity Flynn entirely? What if Yuri was completely free of his own will would he say of Flynn and his actions

What? What!

They were barely friends. They barely could relate. They were distant and broken with their emotions torn and Flynn caused it all.

I ruined everything

And it's too late to fix it. To take back all the times he's told Yuri awful things about how he hoped the mark eventually would make him suffer.

"I hope you reach a point where you struggle not to say my name at the start of every sentence."

"I hope you learn how awful it is to feel like you need to hold me to feel safe."

"I hope you struggle to balance the pills you need to take so you can function without me."

I HOPE

"I hope somehow you can hear me say I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never wanted to stop being friends."

i haven't really been posting myself a lot. This is both just being busy and honestly, I'm tired. I really am. I really am just tired of being Fel and being grown up. I'm tired of being a kid. I'm tired.
As a joke I ended a dumb crack self-insert fic with how I don't get happiness and how I was tired with the fic and fandom and it was a joke then but it's not wrong. I am tired. I want to disappear and quit being Fel. I've done this a lot over the years and I think it may be time soon. I'm not gonna abandon any fics but social media, shit like that... I don't want it anymore. I don't need it anymore. I finally don't feel a hole will open and swallow me if I stop. But I can't. I'm not supposed to. Because this all prep for becoming an adult and entering the creative workforce. No matter how much I want to scream