A/N: Is anyone else dying for some Catradora content after a season with basically none? Hopefully this chapter will help. It's way longer than usual for this fic because there was really no good point to break it up, but I'm guessing no one will complain in this case.

I'd like to say as a disclaimer that this chapter was almost entirely finished before season 2 came out, so I didn't steal any ideas or themes (or nicknames) from there. ;)

HEADS UP, this chapter contains a lots of POV switches that are not delineated by page breaks. That is, some paragraphs are Catra POV, some are Adora POV, and some are kinda neutral, and I don't stop to tell you when it's switching. I got this beta read to make sure it flows okay, so hopefully there won't be any confusion!

CONTENT WARNING for references to physical and emotional child abuse. But it's a rehashing of events already established. If you got through the first five chapters it'll be a cakewalk.

Feet silent on the frozen forest floor, Catra slinks through the shadows in the deepening twilight. Her eyes dart about as she nears the treeline, scouting for any new defenses, but Brightmoon looks basically the same as when they retreated last week. A few buildings look to be under repair, but that's it. There's no sign of any guards near the forest's edge. Catra frowns at the lax security. That seems irresponsible. If anything is too easy, she's always suspicious. Nothing's ever been easy, not for her.

That must be why her heart is pounding faster, echoing in her ears as she surveys the castle from the treeline. Quickly checking the map Entrapta drew her of the castle's layout, Catra scans the exterior for Adora's balcony. Her lips turn up as she zeroes in on it, already itching to give their customary greeting. Purring quietly, she drops to all fours and begins creeping across the clearing.

She's made it maybe five feet in when the stun gun attached to her belt makes a weird staticky noise and then falls silent. Frowning at the device, Catra pulls it off her belt and examines it. When she flicks the on/off switch, it stays powered down. That's weird, she checked it before she left…

Catra sighs as it dawns on her. That explains the lack of guards. The rebellion is counting on magic to protect themselves, as usual. Idiots.

"Great," she mutters, tossing the useless weapon back into the trees. She can grab it on the way back, see if Entrapta can fix it. At least she still has her claws.

Stealth has always been one of Catra's greatest strengths. She makes it to the castle undetected and begins slithering along the stone wall, keeping her eyes peeled for guards. She's getting close to the balcony and starting to look for handholds when a burst of sparkles erupts in front of her, making her jump back with a yelp. Glimmer stands there scowling, hands on her hips. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Wiping the fear from her face, Catra crosses her arms and leans casually against the wall. "Surveying the damage. Plotting my next move." Glimmer's eyes narrow with a growl and Catra rolls her eyes. "Relax. I'm here for Adora."

"Why would that make me relax?"

"Look, I just need to talk to her," says Catra, raising her hands in a gesture of innocence. "See for yourself, I'm unarmed. I come in peace."

"You, in peace?" spits Glimmer. "Do you think I'm an idiot, Catra? I was here, defending the castle. I know all the shit you pulled on us. And on Adora. I know how you cut her down in the Crystal Castle and left her to die. I know how you sliced up her back."

Catra blinks impassively in the face of Glimmer's wrath, constraining her face to a bored expression. "Are you done?"

Eyes flashing, Glimmer takes a threatening step closer. "Don't talk to me that way."

"Oh, yeah? Or what?"

Raising a cupped palm, Glimmer conjures a ball of sparkles that flashes in Catra's face, burning her eyes and making her yelp and turn away. Just like the day she swooped in on a stupid horse and stole Adora away from her. A growl rumbling deep in her chest, Catra unsheathes her claws. There's nothing she hates more than people who use magic to subdue her. It's so fucking cheap.

Slowly turning back to Glimmer, she hisses, "If you do that to me again, I swear to Hordak I'm going to rip your fucking throat out."

Glimmer raises an eyebrow. "If you do that, I can't take you to Adora."

A jolt of apprehension hits Catra's stomach, and it takes a second for her to catch her breath. Frowning at the suspicious offer, she tilts her head. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I think she needs to talk to you too," Glimmer replies matter-of-factly.

"I'm not an idiot either," Catra assures her. "I know a trap when I see one."

"If I was going to take you to the prison, I'd have called for backup by now," says Glimmer. Catra squints as she considers this. Huffing impatiently, Glimmer tosses a hand in the air. "You want to talk to Adora? Then come with me."

Catra scowls. She doesn't really have a lot of choice in the matter. She's been caught, either way. If she tries to run she'll definitely have to fight off a princess and likely a bunch of guards. If she doesn't, maybe she won't. In any case, following Glimmer buys her some time to formulate an escape plan. "Fine," she huffs. "Lead the way."

"Not so fast," Glimmer scolds her. When she produces a strip of cloth from her pocket, Catra rolls her eyes.

"A blindfold? Seriously?"

"I'm not giving you a free tour of the palace, Force Captain," retorts Glimmer.

"Uhhh, couldn't you just teleport us?"

"Like I'm wasting my powers on you." Glimmer motions for Catra to turn around, an order she obeys with a dramatic sigh. Once the blindfold is tied securely, Glimmer prods her in the back. "Move it."

So, Glimmer's powers are finite in some way. Catra smirks to herself as she starts walking. What else can she get out of this idiot by keeping her talking? "You know, you could just tell me where she is, instead of going through this whole song and dance."

"No way. I'm not letting you out of my sight, and I'm definitely not gonna let you hurt her again."

Catra chuckles derisively. "Uh, no offence shorty, but I don't think the mighty She-Ra needs your help."

"She does right now."

Brow creasing, Catra looks back over her shoulder, which is stupid because she can't see anyway. "Is she okay?" She sounds concerned, and she hates it. But she was caught off guard, to be fair.

"Not that it's any of your business," says Glimmer, "but she's been out of commission for a week because of you. Apparently your claws are magical or something. We practically had to lock her in her room so she wouldn't reaggravate the injury." Catching herself, she quickly tacks on, "Don't get any ideas, she's nearly healed up. By the time you could muster an attack, she'd be back in action."

Grunting as she absorbs this, Catra muses, "Magical claws, huh? Maybe I'm a princess too. That'd be cool, huh Sparkles? I could join your slumber parties." She stumbles forward a step as Glimmer shoves her from behind.

"Gross," she grumbles. "I'd rather give up my powers than have something in common with you."

Catra snorts. "You mean other than being in love with Adora?"

There's a scuffing noise behind her as Glimmer halts abruptly. "You're in love with Adora?"

"What? No! I just meant…" Catra waves her off with an exasperated noise somewhere between a growl and a sigh, turning away to hide her blush. "Never mind."

They make it inside the castle undetected and begin navigating the halls, Glimmer whispering directions into Catra's ear every so often. They've made it through several hallways and up a couple flights of stairs before they run into any trouble. Catra rounds a corner as directed and takes a couple steps before Glimmer suddenly yanks her backwards.

"Halt! Who's there?" a deep feminine voice calls as Glimmer drags Catra back around the corner. Footsteps close in on them and the guard commands, "Show yourself!"

"Shit," mutters Glimmer. Suddenly Catra is hit by a weird head rush, almost feels suspended in mid-air as a twinkling sound fills her ears. She hears it once more as the foggy feeling clears and the pressure under her feet returns.

Snatching her arm out of Glimmer's grasp, Catra pulls the blindfold off. It slips from her fingers as her eyes bulge, taking in the opulence around her. This is definitely a room fit for a princess. There's a canopy surrounding the bed, a bunch of useless shiny stuff, and a waterfall. A fucking waterfall. "No wonder," she snorts.

Adora's voice wafts into the room from the balcony. "Glimmer?"

Catra freezes, stomach sinking into her butt. She came here to see Adora, but simply hearing her voice is enough to make her nearly pee her pants. Which is funny, considering she brought a whole army to her doorstep and gladly fought her hand-to-hand like a week ago.

Glimmer grabs Catra's arm again and thrusts her forward as Adora enters the room. "I found this one sneaking around the palace."

Adora's wearing her old uniform top but not her jacket, and her ponytail is messier than usual, a few loose strands of hair framing her face. Still frozen on the spot, Catra blinks away the brief sense of shock. It's been a while since she's seen Adora at home.

Adora's eyes go wide at the sight of Catra standing there in Glimmer's grasp. A wave of panic rises in her chest and she reaches over her shoulder for the sword that isn't there.

That movement makes Catra's face fall. She should be flattered, really, that Adora sees her as a threat. And she is flattered, but it also causes a cramp in her chest. Of course that's Adora's first reaction to seeing her, now.

Glimmer's grip disappears as she teleports away. Two seconds later she reappears at Adora's side, holding the sword. Catra scowls as Adora smiles in relief at her friend. "Thanks, Glim."

"Glim," Catra mutters under her breath. Gross.

Staring Catra down, Adora holds the sword in a defensive position but doesn't transform. Not yet. "What are you doing here?"

Raising her hands, Catra calmly says, "Relax, princess. I'm not here to fight, I'm here to talk."

"Oh, now you want to talk?" sneers Adora. "After you left me hanging in that temple and nearly destroyed Bright Moon?"

Catra's ears droop. "Forget it," she mutters. "I knew this was a bad idea." She eyes the entrance to the balcony. She could get by these idiots and beat them to it, she's quick enough. But Sparkles would just teleport onto her and drag her back. For now, she's trapped. She needs to bide her time.

Adora knows exactly what Catra's considering, can see the wheels turning in her head as she weighs her options. Living your whole life with someone has that effect. "Wait," she says, before Catra can make a move. When Catra's eyes flick her way, hers go wide as she realizes something. She doesn't want Catra to leave. That frightens her almost as much as Catra's presence. More, actually. She gives her head a resigned shake. "You're already here. Just say what you came to say."

When Catra hesitates, Glimmer crosses her arms and snarks, "You heard her."

"Could we maybe have a little privacy, Sparkles?" Catra shoots back.

"No fucking way. I'm not leaving you alone with her."

Catra cocks a saucy eyebrow. "Jealous, much?"

"Glimmer, please," Adora interjects, placing a gentle hand on her friend's shoulder. When Glimmer's flaming eyes meet hers, she keeps her expression as calm as possible, despite her anxiety. "We need to talk, and that's not gonna happen if you're standing around. No offense. We need to be alone."

With a dramatic sigh, Glimmer mutters, "Of course you do." Then she teleports away, leaving Adora staring down the person who means the most to her in the world… who also happens to be the person who scares her the most. Not so much for her fighting prowess, though that is impressive, but for the power she holds over Adora. How easily she can hurt her. And Catra's tail is starting to swish back and forth in that predatory way it does when she's feeling empowered and in control. Maybe Adora should transform after all, knock her down a peg.

"Hey, Adora." Catra flashes a toothy grin, showing off her fangs. "How you been?"

"Peachy," Adora says flatly. "You?"

"Liar." Prowling closer, Catra suddenly stops and sniffs the air. Her lips stretch in a wide smile. "Someone's been a bad girl. Glim said you're supposed to be resting, but you've been working out."

Adora rolls her eyes. Catra's superior senses can be very inconvenient at times. "There's lots of reasons people sweat."

"Smells different. Even once you clean up, I can tell whether you've been pumping iron or pumping your pussy." When Adora's mouth falls open, Catra can't help chuckling. "What? We shared a bed, it's not like I never noticed. I'm a light sleeper."

Now Adora goes bright red. Oh, wow. If Catra had known it was going to be this much fun, she would've come and fucked with Adora a lot sooner.

Scowling, Adora crosses her arms. "Fine, I was working out. You know me, I can't stand lying around doing nothing. I go nuts if I can't train." She raises a challenging eyebrow. "You gonna tell on me?"

"When have I ever ratted you out?" The playfulness in Catra's smirk balances out the devious glint in her eye, and when she winks, it feels every bit as affectionate as it does threatening.

Despite everything, Adora can't keep a small smile from sprouting on her lips. "Never."

Adora's smile. Her fucking smile. Catra's always loved it, but right now she hates the way it makes her heart skip. Puffing her chest out, she responds, "Of course not. No one likes a tattletale." She snorts as another thought crosses her mind. "Except maybe Shadow Weaver."

Adora frowns slightly. "Does she know you're here?"

Catra's forehead creases as she considers her next move. Divulging this information to the enemy could be a huge mistake, but on the other hand it could really mess Adora up, and that was the point of this mission. Plus, she kind of wants to see Adora's reaction, and maybe to brag a little. That selfish impulse wins out. "Shadow Weaver's dead."

"What?" Adora stares at Catra slack-jawed. This has to be a joke, or a lie. Shadow Weaver is Shadow Weaver, the most powerful person she's ever known. At least, until recently.

…But Catra's not joking, not lying. Adora can tell from the set of her jaw, the directness of her gaze. As the news sinks in, she demands, "When? How?"

"A few days ago. Hordak had her executed."

Adora's mouth flaps uselessly a couple times, struggling to produce even a single word. "Why?"

"Because she turned on him after he gave me her shiny rock to play with." Catra tilts her head with a proud smirk. "I took her out for him, broke her fucking mask and everything."

That's impressive. Honestly, it is, but Adora can't let Catra gain all the power in this mental battle, so she intentionally redirects. "Why would he give you the Black Garnet? You're not a sorceress or a princess."

Catra's face falls a little at the passed up compliment, but she doesn't miss a beat. "More like he gave me authority over it, because Entrapta wanted to tinker with it and she's very good at tinkering… most of the time."

A mild headrush makes Adora's mouth fall open once again. "Entrapta's alive?"

Catra blinks, genuinely confused. "You thought she was dead?"

"Yeah, obviously," says Adora. "I'd never leave her behind."

The breath leaves Catra's body. Adora couldn't have punched her in the gut harder if she was She-ra on steroids. Forcing out a cruel laugh, Catra snipes, "Lucky her."

"That's not fair," huffs Adora, crossing her arms as best she can with a giant sword in one hand. "I asked you to come with me."

"After you'd already decided to leave."

Head tilting, Adora purses her lips. "Oh, I'm sorry I assumed you'd want to leave if you knew the Horde was evil."

"Right, you assumed I couldn't have any opinions or feelings of my own," parries Catra.

"So in your opinion it was okay that the Horde was attacking a village full of innocent people?"

Catra scoffs. "Since when do you care if the Horde hurts innocent people? You never tried to stop them before."

"I never knew-"

"For fuck's sakes, Adora, I'm not talking about those stupid fucking villagers!"

Catra's outburst shocks Adora into silence, leaving her to stare dumbly into her flaming, mesmerising eyes. Her confusion must show, because Catra's fists clench at her sides and she spells out, "How is it you only realized the people who raised us were terrible when you saw what their army did to people you didn't even know? Did you never clue in when they were hurting me all those years?"

Face falling, Adora stammers, "That's- that's different…"

"Why, because I deserved it?"

"Because that's how I grew up," she says, sidestepping the partial truth in Catra's accusation. Though Adora always thought Shadow Weaver was unnecessarily harsh with Catra, she justified it by telling herself that's just what happens when you're unruly and disrespectful to your superiors. It was easier to think of it that way than to admit how uncomfortable it made her, how unfair it felt. "It's what I was used to. I only started to question things once I met Glimmer and Bow."

"Of course they made you see it. You go running off with those two and suddenly a bunch of random strangers mean more to you than me." Though her face is all hard lines of anger, Catra's eyes scream with pain as she demands, "How do you think that made me feel?"

It's an ingrained response, reaching for Catra when she sees her in pain. But when Adora automatically steps closer and lifts a hand, Catra takes a deliberate step back, leaving her grasping at air. A dull ache fills Adora's chest and she drops her hand. Channelling all her sincerity, she wills Catra to hear her, really hear her when she says, "I did what I did for the greater good, not because I cared about them more than you." The rising lump in her throat alters her voice slightly as she continues, "No one means more to me than you, Catra. No one. You're my best friend."

Scowling at the floor, Catra corrects her. "Was your best friend."

Head shaking slightly, Adora murmurs, "That's not how it feels when I look at you."

"That's a load of shit," snaps Catra. "Your first instinct when you see me is to pull out your sword."

Adora deflates with a sigh. "I wish it wasn't."

"And I suppose that's my fault."

Adora's mouth opens, on the verge of saying it's her fault. Her fault for leaving Catra behind in the barracks, her fault for not trying harder to convince her to defect in Thaymor. But, no. She's supposed to be combatting those thought patterns. Not my fault, not my fault. Rather than taking the blame, she shrugs with a sad twitch of her mouth. "It's no one's fault. Just the way things are."

Gazing at the weapon in her hand, Adora makes a conscious choice. Tossing it aside, out of both of their reaches, she watches Catra's reaction closely. Her eyebrows arch slightly but she makes no move to take advantage of the act of goodwill. Satisfied she's not about to be attacked, Adora thinks back over what she's learned in the last few minutes. Her mind sticks on one point in particular and she frowns. "Shadow Weaver. Did she… did she suffer?"

One of Catra's ears flicks, the question irritating her for some reason. "Hardly. It was a beheading." Of course there's the beating she gave Shadow Weaver beforehand, but she has no desire to brag about that. When Adora gives a wistful nod in response, she tips her head mockingly. "You're sad? Really, Adora?"

Maybe that's a little hypocritical. Though she'd never admit it, Catra's been weighed down by a certain empty sadness since Shadow Weaver died. Which is funny, considering a large part of her wanted that woman dead. She likes to think it's because she was left unsatisfied. She never got what she needed from Shadow Weaver. And now she never will.

Brow furrowing, Adora nibbles her lip. "I'm not sad, I'm… conflicted. My relationship with Shadow Weaver was complicated."

"That's one way to put it," snorts Catra.

Adora's eyes snap up. "Hey, look, I know you two didn't exactly get along most of the time, but she's the closest thing we had to a mother."

"'Didn't exactly get along'?" parrots Catra, shoulders clenching as she steps closer. "She made my life hell for years, Adora!" Her eyes drop with a scoff, tongue tucking under her lip. Shaking her head, she tells Adora, "You have no idea what she did to me."

"You're right! I don't know, because you would never tell me."

Catra waves her off. "You didn't really want to know."

"Bullshit, Catra! Don't take it out on me because you were too proud to admit you were suffering. I wanted to help, I wanted to be there for you." Adora sighs. She can barely meet Catra's eyes as she asks, "Did I not make it clear how I felt about you?"

The words tug at Catra's heartstrings, but she gives Adora only a vicious snort. "You made it pretty clear when you left."

Rubbing her temples, Adora mumbles, "That's not what I meant."

"No, I know what you meant," purrs Catra, giving Adora a bright-eyed smirk. Then she lets it fall right off her face. "You're talking about the time Shadow Weaver almost killed me over something you did."

"What?" Adora blinks. "Are we talking about the same-"

"That stunt you pulled in the locker room? Yeah."

Hurt flickers in Adora's eyes, quickly replaced by a haze of confusion. "I don't understand. Why would she…?"

"Because she hated me. And she hated that we were friends, let alone anything else." Catra gestures at herself with a comically wide grin and overly animated hands. "Don't you remember, Adora? I'm a bad influence."

Adora's eyes fall to the floor. "I remember," she says quietly. "I'm sorry, I wouldn't have if I'd known she'd get so upset."

"Of course not," Catra says flatly. "You'd rather eat your own shit than disappoint mommy dearest."

Adora growls in frustration. "That is not what I meant, and you know it. Why do you have to be so difficult?"

"Have you met me?" chuckles Catra.

Pointedly ignoring the joke, Adora demands, "How did she even know? Did you tell her?"

"Obviously not," scoffs Catra. "Who knows? She was magical, she always knew everything bad I did. Hell, I would've kissed you back if I'd thought I could get away with it."

There it is. That thing she came here to say. Catra's glad she got an opportunity to bring it up in the flow of the conversation, because she's honestly not sure she could have summoned the courage to say that out of nowhere. Watching her words dawn on Adora, she does her best to keep her expression casual. Does her best to suppress the shivers in her limbs and ignore the sensation of her stomach trying to fight its way out of her.

"Wait, what?" Adora's expression is priceless, dazed and confused, all wide eyes and parted lips. It's really too bad that Catra's too nervous to laugh at how dumb she looks. Finally Adora blinks her expression back into something normal. Something thoughtful. "That's why you started holding me at a distance. You were scared." Her mouth quirks with an ironic chuckle. "I always thought you didn't want me."

"That's what Shadow Weaver wanted you to think," says Catra. "She told me, before she died. Punishing me for what you did was more effective. If you thought I didn't want you, you'd back off. It was her way of keeping us apart."

A hard expression comes over Adora's face. "She really was evil, wasn't she?"

Catra scoffs. "Of course you only realize that now. Not when she called me worthless all those times, or when she took away my rations, or when she was torturing me for shit you pulled." Adora's brow furrows and Catra cocks an eyebrow. "Remember how I disappeared for a few days for intensive training, came back covered in bruises from 'sparring with senior cadets'?" A deep satisfaction fills her as she watches the color drain from Adora's face. "Oh, now you make the connection."

It takes Adora a few tries to form any words. When she finally does, she sounds almost indignant. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because there was nothing you could do, and you'd go crazy from the guilt." Catra shakes her head wistfully. "Did you really think it was you protecting me all these years?"

Adora squints as she thinks this through. "So you didn't want me to know, you didn't tell me, but you're mad at me for not knowing?"

"I shouldn't have had to tell you," retorts Catra. "But you're so fucking blind, you never saw anything but what you wanted to see."

"So what did I miss?" Adora juts her chin out. "Tell me. I don't need you to protect me either."

It feels like a challenge. And while Catra has never been one to make herself vulnerable, she's never been one to back down from a challenge, either. Especially not where Adora is concerned. Besides, if anyone's gonna come out of this exchange crying, it's Adora. Catra already knows how the story ends.

"Okay," Catra agrees with a decisive nod. "When she found out, how ever she found out, she dragged me to the prison and beat me to a pulp, told me how worthless I was and how I never did anything but cause trouble." Catra shrugs nonchalantly. "That wasn't anything abnormal, though. That'd been going on for about as long as I can remember. Any time you remember me disappearing for a while after getting in trouble, that's where I was."

Adora's mouth slips open, but she can't breathe. The horror of it all has paralyzed her lungs, but unfortunately not her mind. She can't even count the number of times that happened over the years. Ever since they were little kids. Adora had always hoped those disappearances were just really long lectures or extended time outs. Part of her always doubted that, but she never wanted to think about it.

Catra watches as the life goes out of Adora's expression, doing her best to keep her own impassive. She knew it. Adora already can't handle it, and she hasn't even told her the worst part yet. Part of her loves watching Adora crumble under the weight of this knowledge, but another part wants to stop before she actually does make her cry. Catra has to remind herself that fucking with Adora is what she came to do. And saying this out loud, she feels… freer. It feels like taking a burden off her shoulders that she's been carrying for years. Might as well throw it on Adora's. Let her see how she likes it.

"What was different that time was, she took that belt and wrapped it around my neck, just about choked me to death. Then she threatened to send me away, separate us permanently if you ever touched me like that again." Snorting ironically, Catra reiterates, "If you ever touched me. Of course it wasn't because of anything I did. She did that to me because you couldn't keep your greedy fucking lips to yourself." She can feel her bitterness building into true anger, the kind that swells in her chest and buzzes in her brain. Staring down a horrified Adora, she spits, "You didn't even think about what could happen to me, did you? You just did what you wanted, took what you wanted. That's what you always did."

Eyes squeezing shut, Adora starts reciting the mantra under her breath. "Not my fault, not my fault." It does little to absolve her of her guilt. Because, well, it kind of is her fault. This awful thing that happened to Catra was because of her actions. She kissed Catra, and Catra suffered for it.

But... it wasn't a direct result of her actions, was it? Trying to mimic her friends' logic and compassion for her, Adora breaks this down. Adora didn't make Shadow Weaver react the way she did. Adora didn't torture and threaten Catra herself. She didn't do anything inherently wrong. Maybe she was careless and ignorant about the situation, but she didn't choose that situation. Shadow Weaver did this to Catra. Adora didn't. Adora didn't. "Not my fault, not my fault, not my fault."

Finally looking up and meeting Catra's confused gaze, Adora twitches her mouth sheepishly. "I've been working on this with Bow and Glimmer." Though it goes against her very nature and she feels like an asshole for saying it, she straightens up and asserts, "I can't blame myself for things Shadow Weaver did, and you shouldn't either. It's not fair."

Catra's eyebrows shoot up. "You want to talk about what's fair? Fuck you, Adora. You got the fairest shake of anyone. So fair, it was unfair. You have no idea what it's like to be anyone but a spoiled teacher's pet! Everything you did always got taken out on me, but you never noticed, did you?"

"Of course I did!" snaps Adora. Those words stun Catra, freezing her in place. "Why else did you think I was such a suck up? Yeah, I wanted her to like me, I wanted to get promoted one day. But the reason I tried so hard to be good all the time was because I knew…" Adora's voice cracks, but she doesn't stop. "I knew if I wasn't, Shadow Weaver would blame you. She'd say you were a bad influence or slowing me down or whatever. I didn't want her to go after you."

Adora watches as Catra absorbs this with a blank face, her only response a small flick of one ear. Gesturing at her lamely, Adora concludes, "You say I'm blind? You're just as bad."

Catra says nothing for a long moment. When she finally does, her voice has gone very quiet. "So if you knew, why didn't you say anything?"

"I tried, but all it ever did was make things worse," sighs Adora, running fingers through her hair. "You know how she gets."

"Not to Shadow Weaver. To me."

Forehead crinkling, Adora stammers, "I… I don't know. What did you want me to say?"

Catra rolls her eyes. "That it wasn't right. That it wasn't my fault. You'd always tell me how to act so she wouldn't come after me, you never said she shouldn't be doing it in the first place."

"Oh, shit," Adora whispers, the blood draining from her head as the implications hit her. "I didn't mean it was your fault. I was trying to protect you by keeping you out of trouble."

"That's not what I heard." Catra swallows the fledgling lump in her throat, and even then her voice is on the verge of cracking when she says, "That's not how it felt."

Adora looks stricken, face white as a sheet. "I am so sorry, Catra."

"Yeah," mutters Catra. "You're always sorry."

Giving in to the lightheadedness, Adora sinks down onto her bed. There's a million thoughts running through her head, a million memories resurfacing with this new context she's been given. All those times Catra was dragged away and came back despondent or simmering with rage. All those times Adora advised her to lay low and avoid making Shadow Weaver angry. Adora digs her fingertips into her throbbing forehead and temples, rubbing hard. She's fucked up. She's fucked up so badly.

Hearing Catra shift her weight brings her back to the moment. Peering up at her through stinging eyes, she sees her best friend anew. Her heart aches. "I wish we'd had more time in Thaymor," she says, and the words are a surprise even to her. Her brow creases as she muses, "Maybe none of this would've happened if we'd had time to talk things out." Forcing a weak smile, she adds, "Seems to help."

Catra's eyes fall shut with a heavy sigh. "Talking won't fix this, Adora. Not now."

"Because now you've committed to being evil?" snorts Adora. She regrets the words the second they leave her mouth. She's not supposed to be the bitter and spiteful one, that's not who she is, or at least not who she wants to be. But she has no chance to take it back. Catra's eyes are already sparking and narrowing into slits.

"No, because now I've realized what a shitty friend you were!" spits Catra. "Because it's too little, way too fucking late! I tried to reason with you in Salineas because I wanted you back, not because it was my job. But you didn't get that, and you didn't even try to understand my side of things or convince me to leave the Horde. You just gave up on me! You treated me like a monster and a nuisance at that stupid fucking ball. You never even tried to get through to me until I let you escape. Did I really have to prove my goodness to you, Adora? Were all the times I suffered for you not enough?"

The accusations hit Adora like a series of arrows, embedding themselves in her chest and taking hold. The worst part is how she can't deny their truth. After Catra rejected her offer in Thaymor, she was angry and, quite frankly, heartbroken. She didn't understand, and it was easier to think that Catra didn't leave because Adora had never really known her, that Catra had been evil all along, another piece of Adora's life that had all been an illusion. And when she saw Catra in Salineas and the Kingdom of Snows, she held on to that belief because it was convenient and it matched the emotions that welled up when she saw her face. Maybe Adora is bitter and spiteful after all.

Adora was fully prepared to apologize for her careless words just now, but she can't apologize for this. Sorry won't cut it. "You're right," she says, and Catra's mouth slips open. "Shadow Weaver always told me I was a good friend, but that was a lie." Crossing her arms over her stomach, Adora stares down at her knees. "Doesn't mean I didn't try."

Hearing another sigh from above, Adora sneaks a brief glance up at Catra to see her dragging a hand through her shaggy hair, eyes squeezed shut. When she speaks, she sounds sad. And tired. "I know you tried. You're Adora." Her claws make little ticking sounds against the floor as she takes hesitant steps in Adora's direction, and Adora doesn't dare look up. Not until the bed dips beside her as Catra settles a couple feet away, head in her hands.

Adora's eyes burn and fall back to her lap. Idly watching her fidgeting hands, she says, "All I ever wanted was to make you happy. And all I did was cause you pain."

The tears in her voice make Catra's already broken heart splinter into tiny pieces. Turning her head, she watches a solitary tear roll down Adora's cheek and drip from her chin. She can barely suppress the urge to reach out and wipe it away. Catra came here to hurt Adora. She wanted to see her cry. Now she can't stand the sight.

"No, that's not all," she says, laying a tentative hand on Adora's knee. That used to be such an easy, natural thing to do. Now it feels like danger, vulnerability, a careless gamble. Maybe it is. She leaves her hand there anyway, pinching the fabric of Adora's pants between her thumb and forefinger. "There were good things, too. It was mostly good things. Things so good I felt like I died when they got taken away. When she took them away."

Catra's voice threatens to crack as her throat swells. Swallowing hard, she blinks up and catches Adora's eyes, bright and brimming with tears. "But even then, sometimes those memories made things better. Something to hold on to." Her eyes dart away again as she pushes the last sentence out of her aching throat, barely a whisper. "Just knowing someone loved me."

"Loves," Adora corrects her without hesitation. Catra exhales sharply with something Adora thinks might have been a strangled sob. Acting purely on instinct, she reaches out, lifts and turns Catra's chin. "Catra," she says.

Catra's eyes meeting hers makes Adora's breath catch. Her eyes are so beautiful, Adora has always thought so. Why anyone would ever make fun of them is beyond her. And they're far from her only mesmerising feature. Adora's heart begins to pound as she mindlessly traces her thumb up and over the corner of Catra's lip. She doesn't close the gap between them, as much as she wants to. She won't force herself on Catra again, won't cause her pain again. Not without her permission, anyway.

The desire plain in Adora's eyes makes Catra's stomach clench in protest, panic rising in her chest. This is bad, this is bad. She needs to pull away, now, or Shadow Weaver will...

No. Shadow Weaver's dead. She can't hurt Catra anymore, can't take Adora away from her. Adora's already gone, anyway. What does she have to lose?

Catra sighs, flits her tongue out over her lips as she zeroes in on Adora's. They look soft and inviting as ever. Wasn't this her last wish, that day she thought she was about to die? That thought is enough to convince her to lean in. Resting her forehead against Adora's, she exhales shakily.

Adora runs a thumb along her hairline and whispers so quietly Catra almost thinks she imagined it. "It's okay. I've got you."

And Catra can't hold back anymore. Her eyelids flutter shut and she pushes forward, finding Adora's lips with her own.

Their first kiss was innocent. Their second is brimming with guilt and regret.

Catra wishes all she felt was the sparks in her stomach, but they're accompanied by a sense of impending doom. Neither of them has budged an inch on changing sides. This won't make up for all the lost years where they pined for each other and never found relief. This is just going to make everything hurt more. She knows that. But that's the last thing she wants to think about right now, so she lifts a hand and cups Adora's jaw, kisses her harder.

Adora knows they shouldn't be doing this. Adora doesn't care. Trying to lose herself in Catra's kiss like she always dreamed of, she channels her inner Bow and tells herself to just be Adora. Not She-Ra. Don't worry about the war, worry about yourself. She already sacrificed her relationship with Catra for the rebellion once, and she's not keen on doing it again. She knows this probably won't change anything, won't make Catra leave the Horde. But damn it, she's going to enjoy this moment, this oasis of happiness in a landscape of dissatisfaction and deep longing. Right now, it's just her and Catra. Like it always should have been.

Pulling herself onto Adora's lap, Catra straddles her hips, arms looping around her neck. Breaking the kiss, she nuzzles Adora's neck, grazing her lips and nose over the sensitive, fragrant skin. Once she's had her fill, she tucks her head under Adora's chin and sighs in relief. She's missed this as much as the kisses themselves. After everything that happened, she didn't trust herself to get this close to Adora again. Tears quickly well up in her eyes, bittersweet tears that taste of joy and heartbreak. And as hers roll down her chin and onto Adora's chest, she feels more dripping onto her cheek from above.

No. Adora shouldn't be sad. Catra doesn't want that, has never wanted that, not really. Even when it was all she wanted, seeing Adora cry hurt some deep part of her, a part of her she had to shut out. Catra's had a lot of practice compartmentalizing her emotions, it wasn't that hard. She's done it before, and she can do it again. Giving a contented little purr, she headbutts under Adora's chin. When Adora chuckles lightly, she lifts her head and gives her a toothy smile. Pricking Adora's jaw teasingly with her claws, Catra dips her head and presses their lips together again.

When Catra's raspy tongue slips between Adora's lips and strokes her softer one, Adora gasps slightly, and Catra can't help the way her lips turn up in a smug grin. A deep purr rumbles in her chest and echoes between her legs, urging her onwards. She slips her hands under Adora's shirt, mapping the firm muscles of her abdomen, humming to herself. Not bad, Adora. Continuing their journey, her eager fingers trail over the ridges of Adora's hipbones and then up her back.

Catra's brow furrows when her hands encounter more fabric. Bandages, she realizes as Adora winces under her touch. Then she remembers. Her ears droop and she tucks her face back into Adora's neck, unable to look her in the eye. "Sorry," she whispers, hoping Adora understands she doesn't just mean for right now. She laces apologetic little kisses down Adora's neck, an apology Adora seems to accept if the soft moans emanating from her throat are any indication. Those noises only fan the flames in Catra's belly, the need to get closer overwhelming her.

Grabbing at the collar of her uniform top, Catra yanks it over her head and tosses it aside. Adora's eyes go wide but Catra doesn't give her time to stare before her hands are trailing under the hem of Adora's shirt, pushing it up her stomach. Adora compliantly lifts her arms, letting Catra peel it off her and level the playing field. Maybe she's moving too fast, Catra has no experience and therefore no idea, but in her mind she's just making up for lost time. And Adora doesn't seem to mind.

Returning to the embrace, Catra lets out an embarrassing little whimper at the feeling of Adora's skin against hers. It's instantly addictive. Her tail swishes back and forth over Adora's knees as their lips come back together and her hands resume exploring. Catra can hardly believe this isn't a dream. She spent all that time imagining the way Adora's skin felt, smelled, tasted under her uniform, but she never thought she'd get to find out. Her mouth is already watering at the prospect. Leaving Adora's lips, she swipes her tongue along the underside of her collarbone, savoring the flavor and Adora's tiny gasp.

Adora's fist closes in her hair and Catra drags her lips down her chest. Unable to stop herself, she pushes Adora to the mattress with mewls of need, only to remember the injury when Adora winces again. Adora doesn't say anything, but she does roll over onto Catra and reposition their bodies so they're lengthwise on the bed. Making the final adjustments, she lays Catra down with her head on the pillow so gently and with such care in her eyes that for a second Catra could swear she's melting in her arms. Her stomach tumbles around inside her, torn between excitement and terror.

Adora smirks down at her. "I'd let you have this, but I need to stay off my back."

Catra raises an eyebrow. "Let me?" Her heart is still in her throat and the words come out embarrassingly weak.

"You know what I mean," groans Adora, rolling her eyes. If Catra tries to derail this over semantics, Adora's gonna kiss her until she shuts the fuck up.

Catra swallows to get her casual voice back. "It's fine, I get it. Why do you think I always slept facing you after I got in trouble? You kick a lot, you know." Adora's face falls and Catra quickly chuckles, pasting on a smile. "Adora, it's okay."

"No, it's not." Her features firm up into that adorable expression of determination that Catra knows so well. "I'm going to make this up to you." Grasping both of Catra's hands, Adora lifts them over Catra's head and pins them to the pillow. Catra gives her a hiss of warning but doesn't fight back. She's interested to see what form these amends take, what can she say?

Half expecting a pompous smirk from Adora, Catra's relieved to find her expression still serious as she lays gentle kisses on Catra's cheekbone and down her jaw. That seriousness also makes her squirm a little, though. Letting Adora take care of her, accepting Adora's tenderness, allowing this person who has hurt her so much to touch her this way… it does something to her stomach that she doesn't like. Being underneath Adora and letting her take the lead only adds to her anxiety. Giving up control makes her feel exposed. Vulnerable. Weak. Panic creeps into her chest, her head, her limbs, and she begins to shudder as Adora's lips graze down her neck and along her shoulder.

The feeling of Catra trembling under her touch makes Adora feel like she's caught another virus. Her skin goes hot and her brain melts into happy mush. "Mm," Adora mumbles into the fine fur on Catra's shoulder, leaving a tiny bite on the meat of her lean muscle. "I always wanted to make you feel like this."

"Adora," comes the shaky reply, barely a whisper.

"Catra," Adora purrs right back, a stupid grin on her face.

The shuddering intensifies and Adora chuckles with pride, trailing a hand down Catra's side and onto her quivering belly. It doesn't occur to her that Catra's acting out of anything other than desire until she gasps out, "Adora, stop."

"Huh?" Adora blinks up from lacing kisses along the top of Catra's bra. Her head clears immediately as she registers the panic in Catra's eyes. "Are you okay?" she asks, rising up onto all fours, giving Catra space but keeping what she hopes is a comforting hand on her hip.

Catra shakes her head but seems unable to speak. Adora waits patiently, rubbing a gentle thumb back and forth over her skin. When Catra finally manages words, her voice is strained and raspy. "I can't. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Adora assures her immediately. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't disappointed, but that emotion is dwarfed by her concern, her deep need to take care of Catra and keep her safe. That thing that Catra resents so much about her. One of many things. Pushing those thoughts aside, she asks her, "What can I do?"

Catra's chest cramps at those words, at the attentive face watching over her. She doesn't deserve this. Love, kindness, Adora. Maybe she did once, when she was the devoted friend who secretly protected Adora in every way she could and let Adora believe she was the strong one. But not now. She's done so much to harm Adora. Why is Adora still offering her compassion? It must be out of pity. It must be-

All of Catra's thoughts are silenced by Adora leaning down and planting a firm kiss on her forehead. "Shhh," she breathes. "It's okay." A shaky sigh pushes out of Catra's lungs and her eyelids flutter closed. Adora leaves another peck on one of them, and tears spring up under her lips. Catra wishes this only felt like comfort, not comfort and danger. Comfort and pain.

"No," she whispers.

"Hm?"

"It's not okay." Catra sits up and turns away, letting her legs hang off the edge of the bed. Her throat aches, eyes brimming with tears. "Why did she have to ruin everything for us?"

Hesitating a moment, Adora edges closer and puts a hand on Catra's shoulder. Nothing too intimate or threatening, just enough to let her know that she's there. That she hears her.

Adora's touch only aggravates the cramps in Catra's throat and chest. She forces out the rest of her thought in a quiet rasp. "We could've been happy."

A slicing pain cuts through Adora's chest. She rests her cheekbone on Catra's shoulder with a shuddering sigh. It's a moment before Catra tips her head to rest against hers.

Catra's not sure whether it's an attempt to comfort Adora or herself when she tilts Adora's chin up and kisses her once more. This kiss is slower. Not hungry, like before. It's mournful, full of tears. It hurts. But Catra can't seem to stop herself.

Adora can't either. Her thumbs brush tears from Catra's freckled cheeks, ignoring the ones welling up in her own eyes. As Adora's fingers gently probe Catra's jaw line, Catra allows Adora's tongue to slip past her lips, and Adora lets out a little moan. She's not sure if it's one of desire or anguish.

Both of them jump when they hear the twinkling sound that announces Glimmer's presence. But there's no time to come apart, to hide what's going on. Glimmer is already standing there, her face lax and pale at the sight of them shirtless in each other's arms. Adora's mouth is dry and paralyzed, and though it must be only a couple seconds, it feels like an eternity before anyone makes a move.

Face hardening, Glimmer hurls a sparkle bomb to the floor at their feet. Adora has to shield her face and rub her eyes, but she can still hear perfectly. "Now!" shouts Glimmer, and heavy bootsteps fill the room. Adora feels Catra flip over beside her and scramble for the exit, but she doesn't even get off the bed before they've shot out a net and snared her.

Catra unsheathes her claws to break through the net, but just as her eyes are recovering Glimmer throws another sparkle bomb in her face. Flailing blindly, Catra swipes at everything around her, but mostly just gets blanket. Something prods her back and a surge of electricity rushes through her, paralyzing her for a second before she goes limp in the netting.

"No!" Adora finally manages to speak as she sees Catra seize in the current and then collapse. Her eyes are huge, stomach lodged somewhere in her colon. Since when does the rebellion use stun guns?

The guards rush to restrain Catra before she can recover, ripping the net off her and wrangling her arms behind her back. One of them shoves her face into the mattress when she begins to struggle, and her blood runs cold. Not again. Thrashing desperately, she lets out a muffled scream as she tries to break free.

"Stop it! You're hurting her!" Adora shoves away the nearest guard, and two more swiftly grab her arms and pull her away. "Hey, let go of me!" Their grips are tight, but Adora's pretty sure she's stronger than them. She could probably break away, but she'd injure them in the process. So she doesn't. "She can't breathe!"

The guards pay her no heed. The one holding Catra's head doesn't let go until they have her wrists and ankles bound securely. When he does release her, Catra's head jerks up and she gasps noisily, a mixture of relief and hatred coursing through her veins. Panting hard, she shoots a withering glare at Glimmer. "Should've never trusted a princess to keep her word," she snarls.

Adora's heart squeezes at the words, at everything they imply. There's a shadow of guilt in Glimmer's expression, but she doesn't back down. "I didn't promise anything," she says simply.

Catra growls as the guards lift her from the bed and begin to carry her away. The ones holding Adora release her, and she storms over to Glimmer. Her voice has gone dark and dangerous in a way Catra has never heard before when she says, "If they hurt her, I will never forgive you."

Glimmer grasps Adora's arm and pleads for understanding. "Adora, I'm the princess of Bright Moon. I'd be a traitor to my kingdom if I let the person who almost destroyed us roam free. She hurt us before, and she'll hurt us again."

"Oh, so you'll betray me instead," retorts Adora, knocking her hand away. "Nice. You really suck at being a friend sometimes, you know that?"

Catra can't help her dark, nearly maniacal laugh. "That's rich coming from you, Adora."

Adora directs her piercing glare her way. "This is different."

"Is it? What did you think was going to happen when I reported back to Shadow Weaver empty-handed after Thaymor? You're so fucking clueless." As they make it to the door, she tosses a sarcastic farewell over her shoulder. "Bye, Adora! Have fun with Sparkles."

Adora's chest clenches painfully as she watches Catra disappear in the hands of the guards. They were making progress. Talking, kissing. Things were finally going right. How did this happen? Even before the sneak attack, something went wrong. She did something wrong.

The feeling of Glimmer's hand on her arm again makes Adora stiffen. "I don't want to cause you pain, Adora," she says earnestly. "But you're not the only one capable of putting the greater good above your own needs."

Adora zeroes in on her again, positively fuming. "Fuck you, Glimmer. This is nothing but selfish. You hate her."

"Yeah, for good reason," argues Glimmer. "You remember she kidnapped us and let Shadow Weaver torture me, right?"

Adora's eyes fall to the floor with an ironic snort. "And I let Shadow Weaver torture her."

Glimmer huffs under her breath and mutters so quietly Adora barely hears her. "Probably deserved it."

Adora's fist connects with Glimmer's jaw before she realizes what's happening. Even in her regular body she packs a punch, and Glimmer ends up sprawled on the floor five feet away. Adora's mouth falls open with a gasp. "Oh, shit. Glimmer, I-"

"Save it, Adora." Glimmer's voice lacks emotion, but the betrayal and pain are clear in her tear-filled eyes as she teleports away.

"Shit." Adora grimaces into her hands. Now she's hurt her two closest friends, pushed them both away. All this time she was worried about the harm she could cause her friends as She-Ra, but she doesn't need a magic sword to hurt them. All she needs is herself. That's what she was trained to be all these years, after all. A weapon, a tool of destruction.

Dropping her hands with a sigh, Adora turns around to survey the damage. The first thing she notices after her shredded blanket is Catra's discarded tank top on the floor. The Force Captain badge gleams in the moonlight and a sob catches in Adora's throat. Scooping up the shirt, she buries her face in it, savoring the lingering body heat and the comforting scent of Catra's skin and fur. Tears spring up in her eyes and she lets them seep into the fabric as she sinks down onto her bed.

Cradling the shirt like she yearns to cradle its owner, Adora fully breaks down. In the Horde you learn to cry silently so no one can see your weakness, but she can't help the loud sobs that wrack her body now. What is she going to do? What will they do to Catra? She should have fought back against the guards, the rebellion be damned. That feeling of betrayal ignites in her gut again and she clenches her fists in the fabric. If they aren't loyal to her, why should she be loyal to them? How can she trust these people ever-

Oh.

So this is how Catra feels.

A/N: I'll try to update this relatively soon but I have other fics on the go and real life stuff, so no promises. I hope this is satisfying enough to tide you all over until then.

Thanks to the brilliant ceruleanstorm for beta reading this for me. If you haven't read her fic Upper West Side, go do that. I'm not usually into AUs but that one is great at addressing Adora and Catra's trauma. Highly recommended!