Don't own LTM, etc.
He let me walk away. Gave me time to pack up my things and say my goodbyes to our staff; his staff. He keeps his distance, allowing me to walk away from what I thought was forever. He did what I needed him to do. Made it easier for me to carry out the hardest task of my life. Leaving him. And while it's what I wanted, what I needed from him, part of me can't help but break that he didn't storm my office and try and stop me. Didn't try to ply the secrets from my lips. But while it broke my heart, I'm grateful he didn't follow me back to the office, because as I packed the last of my things into my car, as I took one last look at the building the holds the biggest part of my life, I know that if has been there, I would have cracked. If he had been there with me, looking at me with eyes that watch with such intent, such focus, that I often feel transparent, I would have broken down and let him in. Let him know everything that had been happening. Everything that was driving me. Everything that I kept hidden from him. Everything that is still driving me, everything that I am still keeping from him by hiding myself from him.
It's been four weeks, and Emily calls nearly every day. Begging me to come back. Pleading with me to tell her where I am, so if I won't come to them, they can come to me. If I won't come back him, then he will come to me. Where-ever I am. No matter what is that caused me to leave, to hide myself from him, he doesn't care. Her voice catches with emotion and pain as she tells me of how broken he is. How defeated he seems. My heart breaks for what i'm putting her through, what i'm putting him through, as she tells me how she doesn't know how to help him. How she doesn't know how to fix what I have broken within him. How she doesn't know if anyone will be able to fix the damage I have done to his already fragile heart. And when her begging doesn't work, when her pleading appears to warrant no reaction from me, when her pain sees her gaining no results, the she tries something else. The anger and hatred that she spits through the phone threatens to break the little resolve I have left. Threatens to send me and my secret tumbling back into their lives begging for forgiveness. But I try and box away my feelings, try to feel as little as possible as the venom behind her words shreds my already fragile skin, until I am sure there is nothing of the Gillian they knew left. It's usually this point in the call where he makes himself known. Where he moves into her space and stops her from continuing. He never takes the receiver from her though, never attempts to change things himself. Respecting our history, respecting everything we went through. Apparently still caring about me enough to not try and break me himself. I can hear him telling her she has said enough. Hear him as he reminds her of all I can hear in her voice. Hear him as he tells her that she'll regret the way she's spoken to me in a matter of seconds. Regret the way her voice will be making me feel, where ever it is I am.
She walks away then. Leaves the phone connected though. Hoping that by leaving me there, on the other end of the line, he won't be able to resist picking it up and talking to me himself. He never does though. It's the same every night. Silence, except for the distant sound of his breathing. He always waits a few moments though, something seemingly stopping him disconnecting the call straight away. I wish I had a direct line into his thoughts. Wish I had the abilities to somehow be able to hear what is it that's going round his head as he leaves us in limbo for a few moments. But I don't, and so I spend the seconds he gives us filling the silences myself. Imagining all the different things he might say, the different things I might say, if he ever did decide to pick up the phone and speak directly to me. But he doesn't. The closest I ever get to him, the closest we ever get to connecting is the second before he disconnects the call. The second before he cuts me off. It's the same every time. I don't know whether he thinks I can't hear him. Whether he thinks that he's already cut me off, and his words are falling into an empty space between him and his phone. But I hear it. I hear it every time, as he whispers 'I forgive you, love' before the line cuts off.
And every night after the line goes dead, after he dissapears from me for another night, I fall apart. Because he won't forgive me. Not when it happens. Not when my time runs out and he finds out the truth. He won't forgive me. He'll never forgive me. But I have a small amount of hope that when the truth comes out, when he finally discovers the reasons behind my leaving, he'll understand. He may not forgive me, but he'll understand. He may not forgive, but my reasons will make sense to him. He may not forgive me but he'll understand that everything I did, was for him. To make it easier for him.
Its the same every night. The same calls. The same begging and anger from Emily. The same silence and then simple whispers from him into a line that only seems to lead him further from me. And every night, until long after his forgiveness slips from his lips and into my broken body, I fall asleep, sobbing silently into my pillow. And as I slip into another night to restlessness I place what little faith and resolve I have left in Sharon. In her abilities to be able to pick him up off the floor I will end up leaving him on. In her strength to push him past my memory. In her being able to put him back together, after my truth tares him down.
It's the same every night, until I know we've reached the end. That night, I don't answer her call. That night i'm unable to pick up and hear the pain in her voice. Unable to find the strength to hear her tare me apart. That night i'm unable to pick up and hear his forgiveness, because I know that come morning, he will have no forgiveness left. That night I am unable to pick up her call, because I know that I would break. I would tell them where I am, beg the to come running to me. Beg him to save me from something that I cannot be saved from. That night I am unable to pick up her call, because I know that I would undo everything I have tried so hard to do. Everything I have tried so hard to save him from.
So I let it ring. Over and over until she gives up, until there is no noise left but my laboured breathing and the steady beep of the machines. And just before I close my eyes, before I give in to the monster that has me trapped, the monster that has taken me away from them, from him, my phone buzzes beneath my fingers. One new voicemail. I consider not listening to it, but deep down I know I can't. Can't leave without hearing her final words to me. Can't leave without hearing the words that come morning, she will never be able to forget. So I hit play, and bring the phone to my ear, preparing myself for her to take the last little bit of me as she tries to bring me back to them. As she tries to fix the dysfunction family we had become. What I get is something completely different. It's his voice that cuts through the speaker, breaking into the room that has held me prisioner since I left him.
"Gill, love", his messge begins and what little is left of me breaks as I hear my name fall from his lips.
"I never asked why you had to do this, never questioned why you had to leave. I figured after everything you sacraficed for me, I owed you a clean break, owed you a fresh start somewhere".
He paused before continuing,
"But that isn't what this is, is it love".
He sounds so unsure, so vulnerable, so unlike the man I left behind that I realise I never truely appreciated how he cared for me. Never understood the true magnitued of what my absence would do to him. What I would take from him when I left.
"I don't know where you are darlin', and I understand that you don't want me to. But you need to know something Gill, need to hear it before it's too late. Where ever you are, whatever you are going through, know you are not alone. I'm with you love, i'll always be with you".
His voice wobbles, cracking with emotion i've never heard on him. He draws in a long breathe before he finds the strength he needs to whispers his last few words.
"You're irreplacable, love. Completely and utterly irreplacable. Always will be. I love you. Always will, darlin".
And then he clicks off his phone and the line goes dead. And once again i'm left with nothing.
That night, that final night, instead of falling into a restless sleep wrapped in guilt and fear for his future, I allow myself to be guided by memories of our past. Memories of a time when we were happy; when our life together was full of hope. Our relationship full of possibility. And as my breathing becomes weaker, as I find it harder to pull in oxygen into a body that holds nothing more than a ghost of who I was, there is nothing but his voice. Nothing but his words carrying me to safety. Nothing but his emotions, his feelings for me. Nothing but him carrying me away from the monsters, and away from the fear that has plagued me since this all began.
That night, there is nothing. Nothing but Cal, until there is simply nothing at all.
Thankyou for reading. I found this chapter hard to write, but sometimes the Callian stories can't have a happy ending. Don't hate me for where this story has gone. Next chapter is in the works, and will be up soon.