Chapter 5 The big changes

As she walked out and dragged herself across the dimly sunlit pavement lined with silhouettes of the trees, dark, slender branches and trunks with leaves swaying in the soft evening breeze it resembled a canvas; the canvas of artist called the nature, under normal circumstances she would have stopped and stared at the beautiful art and wondered at the beauty of the nature itself but these were no normal times. She was suddenly overcome by an urge to shout out and she did "why should I be the one leave though? Why am I the one to give up? I don't need except I have to. He loves her not me her."

As she walked towards the main door to the mansion, she couldn't help but notice the lawn it was so huge it almost looked like a golfing ground. Then a weird thought crossed her mind, she didn't have to leave if she didn't want to. She could camp here in his lawn just like Danny O'Donoghue. Might even sing the song just like he did. It sounded so absurd that she scoffed at her own thoughts. She let out a bark of laughter as she tried to imagine herself camping here with the cardboard with the message written on it – I'm not moving. She personally thought that Danny looked great in that music video but if she really did do that, she would probably be whisked off to the police station before she could say not fair.

It wasn't her fault that the guy she fell in love with was in love with her best friend. She actually agreed with Kanata's choice because Akira was the kind of person who was impossible to hate and as if to back up her reasons as to why it was not possible to hate Akira, she counted the reasons to no one in particular out loud.

"She's beautiful, smart, caring, kind, funny…. she's a complete package and I…I am simply weird."

Why was fate being so cruel to her? She looked up towards the sky and could notice the first few stars rising in the sky. It was going to get dark pretty soon but she didn't care.

"WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO PISS YOU OFF THIS BAD? ANSWER ME! DAMN IT! Please… please…pl" she burst into angry tears and then they turned into despair. She had her first meltdown in weeks right there in the middle of that lonely, vacant street. When the tears were all dried up, she picked herself up and cleaned her face as much as she could.

She walked all the way home without coming across any miscreants although it was pretty dark by now and definitely unsafe for a girl to be wandering alone in the night. The night seemed to stretch longer than eternity and she finally gave up the idea of catching any sleep around 3:45 AM. She made herself a cup of coffee and walked into the balcony of her room. Sitting down on the chair she stared up at the night sky. It was that point in the night when the night sky is darkest just before the dawn. Soon enough she found herself staring at the first recognizable constellation she could find - Ursa Minor. From there, she traced Leo and then gave up tracing constellations. She spent hours staring at the stars and the moon, the big bright moon. She felt like she was the only person alive and quite of the night calmed her nerves. It was a clear night with no cloud but she could feel the distant clouds approaching and feel the cold wind on her skin.

She watched the moon play hide and seek with the clouds, stared at the halo of it when it hid behind the clouds. It felt so magical. She wondered if she would be able to catch Venus before the sunrise. The moon looked so beautiful though; partially hidden behind the clouds casting a halo. For a few minutes it all seemed like a fantasy anime than real life. As she watched, the sky grew lighter and lighter all the way from mid night blue to the clear morning sky while the wind picked up speed. She watched birds struggling to fly against the wind. She had always envied birds and their ability to fly off to anywhere they wanted. After some time of mindless bird watching for some weird reason, she found herself comparing the smaller ones with the bigger ones.

"Hmm…so the smaller ones flap their wings more often to stay afloat and almost drop down in a comical way the moment they stop but big ones don't need to flap their wings that often. Well isn't it obvious you fool, they are big so they probably have more strength and it maybe has something to do with their surface area…what the hell am I going on about…clearly I have officially lost my mind" and she laughed at her own weird insight.

She wondered if she was the only person laughing at the idea of going crazy and then laughed some more and then fell silent all of a sudden. As she waited for sun to rise, she witnessed the most amazing sight. Though the sky was a clear summer blue but rain clouds were approaching from west and sun was rising up in east. The wind was blowing hard now making birds look like they were being blown away. Sky looked beautiful. For a few minutes it seemed like the sky was split into two; half of it was covered with grey black rainy clouds fast approaching the sun but other half was still crisp and clear like any summer morning, beautiful and bright blue while sun rose from beyond the mountains. As she watched sky filled with the rainy clouds as the wind picked up and within minutes it started to rain heavily. It all happened within a space of few minutes but Miyu was left wondering at the beauty and magic of nature. How it fills you with hope and peace even in your darkest times. She felt like her mind was at peace for the time in a long time and realised that it really was true what people say about watching a sun rise. It really is the most magical phenomenon and you feel things that cannot be described but only be felt. And she felt calm, peaceful and hopeful. Rain picked speed as she stood up to walk back into her room, she thought maybe she could survive this.

RING RINGG RIIIIIIINGG

Miyu woke up shouting "Earthquake!", feeling disoriented. It took her a while to realize that it was merely the shrill of her doorbell and her phone ringing simultaneously with a hysterical Akira shouting at her door.

"Miyu, open the damn door. Open this bloody door or I'm breaking in. I don't care about societal norms"

Miyu's mind was racing faster than it could process her thoughts and she was paralyzed with anxiety sitting in her bed all the while thinking

'Shit, Akira! Shit, shit, shit. What am I going to tell her? What should I say to explain my behaviour?'

She had a vague memory of walking out on her friend and that she hadn't returned her call or texts. She didn't have the heart. Then she looked over to the wall clock and exclaimed "10 hours!"

It was almost 5 PM, she had been sleeping for almost 10 hours straight. No wonder Akira was threatening to break in. Miyu ran down the stairs through the living room to get the door before Akira could do any serious damage. She opened the door to a monster that strikingly looked like her best friend glaring at her with such intensity that shivers ran down her spine. Suddenly she was scared for her life and was convinced that Akira was indeed going to kill her.

Akira walked in without a word and took a deep breath before turning around to face Miyu. Eyes glaring daggers at Miyu, her effort to breathe like a normal human was commendable. Miyu was wagering on how long it would take for Akira to start shouting, 5 secs nah too long she is about to expl…

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE YESTERDAY? No calls, no texts, didn't come to school…do you have any idea how worried I was that you…I…I swear to god Miyu, just hide all the fucking knifes or sharp objects from my sight because I am so fucking mad I might actually kill you right now"

Miyu merely stood there staring at Akira and wondering what the hell had she done to deserve a friend who loved her so and cared for her this much.

"Akira, I'm so sorry that I didn't call you back. Yesterday was just too much for me to take in, you know with the event and party. I was too tired and just wanted to leave as soon as I could. I was so tired I couldn't sleep till like 5 in the morning. I guess I slept like a rock after that. I'm so sorry, I would never do anything like this on purpose. You know that I would never not return your calls or texts knowingly. I could never do this to you, never to you. You know I love you like a sister, right"

"I planned it all you know; I came here determined to stay pissed at you at least for a whole weekend but you know exactly what to say and when to say it. Damn you Kouzuki, I don't know how the fuck you do it. Come here you idiot, I love you too"

Akira hugged her best friend, almost strangling her in a choke hold. Her anger dissipated almost in seconds. They hugged out their differences knowing that nothing could ever stand between them.

"By the way, just so you know I'm totally cool with you and Saionji going out" said Miyu with a bright smile on her face. If the effort of smiling couldn't kill her at the moment then nothing ever would and she really wanted to be happy for her friend.

"Wow, are you really? I thought you had a crush on him and if I'm being honest, I thought he was into you too especially with all that jerk like behaviour directed especially towards you but then he is always there helping you. I thought you guys had that classic I hate you but secretly I'm in love with you going on"

"Come on, it's not like he owes me anything and trust me no one in their right mind would ever choose me over you"

"Miyu…"

"No Akira, you know it's true, you're beautiful, smart, and funny and I'm simply weird. As if it wasn't enough for me to be plain looking but god had to go a step ahead and give me a personality of a dull person with speech issues"

"Miyu, for the love of god listen to me, you're not boring, you are the most beautiful mystery waiting to be solved. Do you know that I envy you because you have such a golden heart? You never shy away from helping other. Despite of being a shy and quiet person you go against your natural instinct to help complete strangers. I could never do that and I have such respect for you and not because you are my best friend but because you're such a wonderful person that it shines in your eyes, you're the most beautiful person I've met, inside and out. Never ever call yourself dull or plain looking ever, okay"

"You say that because I'm your friend"

"I say that because it's true"

"But…"

"Shushh…just zip it, you know you don't stand a chance winning an argument with me"

"Well that is true…want to sleep over, we can make your favourite noodles and I think there's coke or sprite in the refrigerator"

"Okay, I'll just let mum know that I took her car, she loves that damn automobile more than she loves me"

"Well…"

"You know it's true" said Akira in a threatening tone and Miyu stopped herself from making any comment about her family. She knew Akira was conscious about her relationship with her parents and didn't like to talk about it. Besides it wasn't the right time anyway especially when she had just calmed down the monster, she didn't feel like awaking it so soon. She made a mental note to address this later.

Miyu dreaded going to school next day and woke up way too early in anticipation of facing Kanata when the hurt and pain of having failed at her first love was so raw. She didn't want to face him but she had no choice. She had no choice in the matter, the guy sat next to her. The mental image him and Akira being all lovey-dovey was too much for her to take in. She worried she would either break down or break something in front of them. She was dead sure that she was going to embarrass herself in front of everyone. She didn't want the awkward Miyu to take over her life again now that the confident version was trying to stir from a deep slumber within her after putting in so much efforts in past weeks.

She walked over to school dreading everything but it turned out to be surprisingly easy. She realized she had been worrying in vain. Akira and Kanata didn't act like a normal couple at all. If anything, they barely looked like they were classmates who got along well, she had never known a couple who looked less like one. Kanata never bothered to attend classes like his usual self and Akira hardly ever talked about their dates. Miyu actually wanted Akira to talk about her dates with Kanata so that she could experience dating him vicariously, even at the risk of feeling pathetic later but it never happened. Akira never spoke about it.

Days and then weeks went by. With time Akira and Kanata began to make up for the initial lack of PDA in the beginning of their relationship. It turned out that both of them had been reluctant to be candid about their relationship at least that's what Akira claimed because it was hard for Miyu to imagine a shy Akira and hesitating Kanata. If anything, they both had exactly opposite personalities from being shy and reluctant. They were more like a power couple out to own the world. Everywhere Miyu went she always ended up being the third wheel and it was getting tiring to pretend to be happy for something that was killing her one second at a time.

She hated herself to be feeling the way she felt. She wanted to be happy for Akira but watching Kanata with Akira literally broke Miyu's heart every single time. She didn't know what to do and she no longer had the will to go on pretending, that's when the perfect opportunity came knocking at her door. A local pop group that played at Smiley's, a local restaurant which was quite popular among the youngsters, was auditioning for a lead vocal.

Miyu thought this it was an excellent way to earn some good money which had become her biggest concern closely followed by her being irrevocably in love with her best friend's boyfriend. At least there was something she could do about the former. Miyu arranged for everything. As long as she did well on her exams she didn't have to worry about school and could play at the restaurant every evening.

"Hey, good morning"

"Morning"

"Congrats on your job, Smiley's is a great place"

"I know but I'm worried I'll screw it. The band is just amazing. They've been making their own music and it's so great. I don't know if I'll fit in"

"Have you forgotten that our musical drama was a huge hit? You were a major reason. You have to start believing in yourself, Miyu"

"Okay, I'll do my best. Thank you so much, you're the best"

"You'll have at least one familiar face among your admirers tonight" and with that Akira blew a kiss at her making her smile.

The whole day passed by in anticipation of the evening and before she knew it Miyu was standing behind the stage with 5 minutes to go for her performance to start. Her stage fear crept back and her fingers turned into ice, her heart stopped beating, it was so slow that she couldn't feel it. Tremors ran down all over her body. Her fingers were numb and she felt as if the whole world was spinning too fast. As the whole world was crashing down on her. The weight of it all was suffocating and she felt like she was being buried alive when she heard Akira calling for her.

"Hey Miyu, I just stopped by to say... what's wrong, honey? Why are you trembling, are you cold? No no no, why? Why now, of all times? What should I do?" Akira held Miyu in her arms so tight as if her life depended on it. She had watched her panic attacks and knew how crippling they left her. She felt helpless as she watched her best friend leaning on the floor, struggling to breathe. She couldn't let Miyu relapse. She knew how hard it had been for her to come out of her depressive state. She didn't know if this time Miyu would make it. Losing her family like that must have been so hard for her. She was amazed by her strength to go on and didn't want to lose her best friend, not when she was finally beginning to change. She wanted Miyu to be confident and believe in her abilities. Relapsing now would put a hold on this change in her. She wondered if Miyu would be able to get out of it if she did relapse. She had no intentions of finding out.

"What's wrong with her? Is she having a fit or something? Should I call for an ambulance?" asked Kanata. Akira had dragged him all the way there, threatening to break up if he didn't accompany her. He had said no at first but when she mentioned she had to be here to support Miyu, he had agreed reluctantly with a resigned sigh.

"Wait, let me just...Miyu honey, look at me. Listen, this could very well be the most important moment of your life. Everything that you've ever dreamed of, everything that you've desired for can be yours once you walk on to that stage, listen to me, listen to my voice...focus on it, please Miyu, please come back...please...god please don't relapse...not now...you're stronger than this"

Miyu forced herself to take long deep, breathes and slowly her darkened vision was again filled with colours. Her eyes adjusted to a worried Akira, who seemed at verge of tears, looking at her as if she was dead and Kanata standing next to her looking unaffected.

"Hey...I'm not dead. Will you stop being so dramatic? I skipped my meals today. I think my blood pressure dropped a bit….I didn't mean to scare you though" Miyu added with a weak voice. What she really wanted to say was how thankful she was to have a friend like Akira. That her voice had really helped her come around.

"I am being dramatic...you scared the living day lights out of me. You looked like you were dead and you're calling me dramatic. Miyu Kouzuki you are forbidden to pull a stunt like this, don't you ever faint on me like that...next time just make sure you eat something" Akira pulled her up on her feet.

"Here, eat this" Kanata handed Miyu a chocolate bar. Miyu and Akira both looked at him questioningly, asking where did he get it from so fast.

"What...fine, I'm a chocolate addict. Always carry some around. Lucky that I had it with me today right" he said shrugging his shoulders and if Miyu didn't know him better she would think he was a little bit embarrassed.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it. Now go to your seats, it's almost time" said Miyu.

"All the best honey"

"Have fun"

"Thanks, I will. Now go, hurry."

She took deep breath trying to compose her thoughts and walked onto the stage carrying her guitar. She closed her eyes and took a moment to calm herself down. Please god, help me through it. Mom, Dad, Ruu look out for me, Okay. She opened her eyes, began to strum her guitar, and began to sing.

Sun is filling up the room

And I can hear you dreaming

Do you feel the way I do, right now?

I wish we would just give up

Cause the best part is falling

Calling anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say I love you when you're not listening and

How long, can we keep this up, up, up?

She looked around the cafe. Everyone was looking at her and marvelled at the thought that she didn't feel an ounce of terror. As she looked around her eyes landed on Kanata. Their eyes locked. She couldn't look away as she sang the next paragraph

Please don't stand so close to me

I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now

I'll give you everything I am

All my broken heartbeats

Until I know you'll understand

And I'll make sure to keep my distance

Say I love you when you're not listening

How long, can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting

For you to take me

You keep waiting

To save what we had

So I'll make sure to keep my distance

Say I love you when you're not listening

How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance

Say I love you when you're not listening

How long, 'til we call this love, love, love?

Entire cafe erupted into loud cheers as the band finished up their version of Christina Perri's Distance. Once done they walked down the stage towards the counter where a middle-aged guy slightly bald and short aka Henry the cafe owner/barista stood clapping his hands so hard looking so proud as if his own children were performing.

"That was amazing. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted a bunch of teenagers performing here on a regular basis but after witnessing this you guys need to be a permanent gig. Here's to awesome times ahead and many more customers, cheers!" he said handing down everyone a beer can then disappeared behind the counter.

"Miyu, it was a perfect performance. You should seriously consider music as profession, you know. You have the talent, who knows you might be the next popular idol" said Akira.

"One of those people who perform on TV shows and shoots commercials in their free time? I don't think I'm the right TV material" said Miyu with a nervous laughter.

Kanata gave her a crooked smile with one side of his mouth turned up, so she assumed he was smiling at her he didn't say anything though. They killed some time in the cafe just talking then Kanata offered to drop them. First Akira as she lived near then Miyu. It was a school night so staying out too late didn't seem like a good option.

Miyu thanked him before getting off and watched him drive away in silence. She locked the front door and after a long cold-water bath she brewed herself a cup of coffee. She sat in front of her laptop browsing through her emails looking for anything new like she always did when her eyes rested on the one email she had been waiting for. She had almost given hope of ever getting a reply. She quickly checked skimmed through the email and re-read it just to make sure she hadn't read anything wrong. Scholarship includes full time tuition and lodging. Please send an affirmative as soon as 31st June for the upcoming academic session. In the heat of an impulsive moment she had sent out an application to the most prestigious music school in Europe, Trinity school of music, knowing there was no way she could make it and that it would be fun to look back on it that once she had been crazy enough to apply to the most prestigious school of music.

She couldn't believe her eyes. A few days ago, she thought life couldn't get worse and now she was looking at the prospect of spending 4 years in Italy and learn music from the greatest and the best people in the industry. But leaving for Italy would mean leaving home behind, leaving Akira behind, leaving all that had happened behind and she would never get to see Kanata again. Nothing could ever fill the void losing her family had created in her heart but people fell in love ways unknown to human kind and she had fallen in love (no denying in that) with Kanata. She didn't know if she had enough courage to leave everything behind. She had time to decide, she had 2 whole months to consider the pros and cons before she had to come to a decision. She could be in Italy at this time next year and begin a new chapter in her life or she could stay here and what, what would she do if she stayed.

'You can always apply at Tokyo University for a music major just the way you planned to' she thought. She turned off the lights, pushed open the window by her bed, and laid down on the bed looking into the night sky like she always did. Stars had always been a source of comfort too her, she never really understood why. She felt as if she belonged with the moon and the stars than being here on earth. She smiled at her own absurd thought and closed her eyes trying to sleep. There was a lot to consider if she was serious about attending Trinity and she needed a plan.

Upcoming next

It was probably the hardest thing after her family's funeral thought Miyu as she packed and crossed everything off the list making sure she had everything she needed to board the flight to Italy the next day. She had spent the evening with Akira and it had been bittersweet as they sat down talking about their times together; how they became friends in kindergarten and here they were saying goodbye not knowing when they'll meet again, if they will ever meet again. Next morning Miyu opened the door thinking that the cab was early but found her local postman instead. He said the mail box was broken so he thought he would hand the letter personally. She thanked him and closed the door behind her. Rarely anybody wrote letters nowadays and she didn't know of anyone who would write to her when she turned the letter. Her heart stopped beating as her eyes stared at the familiar handwriting. It was impossible yet she could unmistakably recognize it was her dad's.

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