A knock brought Olivia from her tranquil rest next to Noah on his cramped toddler size bed. She rolled Noah to his side and off the crook of her elbow. She silently cursed as she tripped over the scattered blocks and tried her best to keep quiet so Noah could continue to nap. She knew, whether she admitted it or not, she knew who had to be on the other side of that door. She checked the peephole and her breath caught in the back of her throat.
Elliot decided then and there he was going to make her listen to him. He was going to force her to sit down and listen to his explanation and then if after that she wanted him to leave he would. He realized he didn't know where she lived anymore. He hadn't thought about it, but her life might look completely differently than it had before he left her. He thought about asking Fin or someone from the squad for her new address, but Munch was the only one who he still would randomly speak to and Elliot knew he wouldn't get an address from Munch without an explanation directly to him. He didn't have time for that. He decided to find the property records to see if she had purchased anything recently. Bingo. He found her apartment with minimal effort and scratched down the address, taking note of the multiple bedrooms. It was surprising to him that she needed more than two bedrooms; her old apartment consisted of only one, so three seemed unnecessary. He ignored the nagging feeling telling him to call his search off and hopped in his car typing her address into his GPS.
The drive was uneventful and while he thought of a few things he would say to her, he mostly just thought of her face and how lovely it would be to see her again. He ignored the sensation that kept inviting him to think about the woman he left behind and what his life would look like if she were still in it. He hoped she would welcome him back like an old friend, but in the back of his mind he knew that would never happen.
His sedan came to a halt in front of her building in the first available parking space. He all but ran up the flights of stairs until he reached her door. He remembered knocking many times on Olivia Benson's door, but was not used to seeing letters differing from the typical 4E that normally donned her door. He also noticed the floor mat outside that read a cheerful "Welcome!"
He hesitated a moment, but before he could change his mind his fist pounded on the door. Elliot was in utter shock at his own body's movement and almost felt the need to run that is until he heard a small clatter from inside. He watched a shadow grace the bottom of the door and held his breath.
Olivia was brought back from all the fighting, all the terrible memories, and all the pain to a moment when she really loved the man standing outside her door. She could hardly move as she took in his distorted appearance through the peephole. He wore a simple grey t-shirt and jeans, something she would've seen him wear as he was leaving the precinct or had been called in the middle of the night. For her this was the Elliot she like the most, the casual Elliot who didn't intimidate her, or belittle her, or even leave her.
"Liv…" She heard a raspy voice call from just beyond the door, "I know you're in there, I can see your shadow." She had been caught, though she didn't care. At this point why would she care? He had no right to stand outside her door and make her feel guilty for not allowing him access to her life again after 6 years of nonexistence. She remained silent as he leaned his head on the door, a perfect mirror of her own. He blew out a breath that fogged the peephole slightly. Olivia took a step back from the door running her fingers through her hair trying to decide the best way to approach the situation.
Elliot tapped his fingers on the door watching the floor as her shadow retreated. She could just leave him out there, he hadn't thought of that. He at least expected her to yell, to slam the door in his face, but leave him with absolutely nothing? He didn't expect that.
Olivia thought about her options and finally decided if she didn't answer she didn't have to deal with him, though seeing him through the tiny hole in her door was enough to cause memories to slam back into her. She stood a few feet back from the door breathing in small bursts so he couldn't hear her. She fully planned on waiting until he left to move again, that is, until Noah began to cry.
Elliot was deciding his next move when he heard an unfamiliar sound escaping from the apartment. He heard a child's cry. He shoved his ear hard against her door to check to make sure it was in fact coming from Olivia's apartment. Maybe he had gone to the wrong one and this was someone else's. Maybe he had just terrified some poor woman and her child. Maybe he should've called Munch and asked for her address instead of relying on the city clerks office's records. He began to retreat when he heard her.
"Shhh, its okay sweet boy, go back to sleep mama's got you." He wished he could forget her voice, that thick mellow voice that she used with victims and children when they were upset. He wished he could forget it because it was what haunted his every dream. That voice was the one he fanaticized she would use when he would ask for forgiveness.
Mama. That was what she said. She was a mama. She had a child. Elliot couldn't believe his ears when those words resonated through the thick door and pierced his eardrums. How could he do this to her? He didn't even know her anymore. She was a child's mother and he was selfishly willing to force himself back into her life without thinking of the consequences. He started to leave when to his surprise the door swung open.