I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts—

The ringtone blares out of her mobile, startling nearly everyone once more with the strange, vulgar lyrics being sung, Severus and Darcy being the only exceptions. Darcy digs around her bag before finally coming up with the device in her hand. Severus watches through the corner of his vision as she answers the incoming phone call.

"Liaison of earth's mightiest and Lady Love of the Wolf, Darcy Lewis, at your service! How's it hangin', bro?" she states into the mobile in greeting with a slight smile. However, whatever the person on the other side of the line says causes her to sigh and smack her forehead, sighing "never again, Tony." Then a moment passes and a feral, mischievous glint paints her face. "Why hello, sexy muscles. How can I help you?" she purrs with faux sensuality. Rogers must be on the other side of the line. She really only ever does that to the poor Super Soldier because she loves how bright the man's face becomes when she playfully leers at him. Despite not actually being as "innocent and naive" in the ways of intercourse as Tony often teases, the poor man always blush at having a very happily married young lady be so open about teasing him the way she does. Natasha is the only other person that she'll say something like that to, but Severus knows her ringtone is One Woman Army by Porcelain Black. If his wife weren't Darcy and their relationship wasn't as stable as he knows for a fact it is, perhaps he'd feel that he should be worried that his wife likes to tease Rogers in such a way, but the fact is that Darcy is his wife and he's confident and comfortable enough in the solidity of their marriage that he can only find humor in such situations. "Actually, one second." She puts her hand over the microphone and leans over towards him. "Sev, how old are Dumbly and Minerva?"

"A little over one-hundred and perhaps around seventy," he answers quickly.

"Albus Dumbledore, like maybe a few years older than you, totally swings your way, and kinda attractive in a creepy, not really Magneto doppelganger kinda way...yeah never mind. Minerva McGonagall, though. She's only a few years younger than you. I rather like her. She's spunky and kinda like an older version of Maria. You wouldn't even be stealing the cradle with her! So, what do you say, oh captain, my captain? Not-Magneto or Minerva?" The two people mentioned splutter confusedly at hearing themselves described as such.

An upwards curl pulls at Severus' lips at hearing her teasingly try to set Rogers up on a date. Ever since she'd heard about his mother's attempts to set poor Steven up, she'd decided to join in. However, while his mother's options had actually been worthy of consideration and were more serious, Darcy had taken to jokingly pointing out single elder folk as possible options whenever possible.

She sighs and looks upwards, a hint of faux disappointment in her eyes. "Aw, and here I was thinking I'd finally found someone...so what can I actually help you with, Steve?"

From there, the conversation carries on and everyone else returns to whatever they were doing before the start of the call as well. He returns to his meal, keeping an ear out in case his assistance is requested.

"It's just Janey? Honestly, you had to call me for that? What about all the other assistants? They've got to be good at something!" He smirks. Darcy hasn't worked with Jane or for the Labs (he's told the capitalization is completely necessary) in over a month, but she still gets questions and concerns from them. Despite the fact that at least two assistants have been hired to take over her position, and he's sure many more will be hired in time as well, Darcy is still considered the expert to go to with things that aren't actually SCIENCE! (again, the capitalization is apparently necessary) but still in the lab. "That's it? Yes? Okay. Good. I'll get right on that after this. I'll talk to you later then, Steven! Oh, and make sure Brucie and Tony get something to eat, too! Those green, icky power shake thingies Tony eats do not count! Do you hear me? Do not count. That lab better be empty of any scientist when I get to the Tower! Bye, send my love to the kids!" They're not actually kids, but Darcy is always joking that they act like it enough that the description is most assuredly accurate.

Once the call has ended, Darcy addresses Jarvis. "Jarvis, please enact Protocol: Star Dazed until a minimum of 8 hours of sleep, 2 nutritional meals have been consumed, and 1 hour of socializing has been had by all members of the protocol, all within the 24-hour period of the beginning of the Protocol" she tells the A.I. in a saccharine voice. "Code: 7819 for all labs under the Avengers' jurisdiction, leaving any and all labs under the control of Pepper Potts to be dealt with according to her."

"Protocol: Star Dazed has been enacted, Ms. Lewis, and labs are currently being emptied," the disembodied voice of Jarvis replies.

"Thanks, J-man!" Darcy chirps.

"Everything alright over there? The world won't implode or explode?" he teases.

"So far so good, buddy!" She grins. "I mean, the world might implode but it won't explode. Jane's been working on that portal thingy, so that might cause the world to implode. Tony's working on building his Iron Legion. Bruce is...doing whatever Bruce does...actually, I think he might be working on trying to find Loki's scepter. Steve's doing his search thing for the man who clearly doesn't want to be found with Sam tagging along. Nat's probably keeping the world from throwing you and her in jail, you know crowd control after the huge data dump you guys did. Actually, never mind that. She should probably be here soon since she's picking me up so we can head over to South Korea to see if I can convince Dr. Helen Cho, leading scientist in the world on the new field of cellular regeneration, to work with us. Thor is probably helping Bruce and ogling Jane. Clint's still MIA. So... Nope. Most likely no exploding or imploding gonna happen on their end. As for over here, well we'll see about that. Besides, I'm not even there as much as I used to since I started my new position, and I'm no longer Ruler of All Things SCIENCE!. Oh, look, mail! Right on time!"

Indeed, right as she says it, a legion of owls carrying the daily mail comes soaring into the Hall.

Seeing an owl fly over towards Professor Moody with a bright red envelope in its grasp, a student points out the obvious. "Look! Moody's got a Howler!"

Everyone but Severus and Darcy watch with heavy apprehension as the red envelope is dropped off in front of Moody. By now everyone in the school has been informed of the Ferret incident and aren't entirely all that surprised that a Howler has finally arrived. When the envelope is opened hesitantly, Severus can tell that nearly everyone expects the voice that comes out to be the booming, intimidating, low timbre of Lucius Malfoy. However, they're all very taken aback by the smooth, alto, Russian tone of a female pouring from the letter in a purred yet hissed volume, loud enough to fill the Hall.

"Alastor 'Mad-eye' Moody, you do not know me, not yet, but you should be scared, paralyzed vith fear, because you hurt one of the very few people in zis life zat I love. I have brought men much more powerful zan you vith your little stick and lights to zeir knees vith my bare hands. I can bring a person to vithin the brink of death, begging and hoping for mercy death, only to pull zem back to life. I know you, and I know how bring you down. After all, you've seen and experienced zis life, I doubt you care much for your own life now, but I can make you fear for ze lives and safety of your loved ones, ones you trust, and ones you. Vant. Safe. You hurt Draco Malfoy or anyone else ze vay you did him, even your little 'constant vigilance' vill not enough to save you from me and my husband." There's a rustling of something that sounds like clothing and maybe paper before the mysterious lady is asking someone if there's anything else.

A moment later, another voice speaks. A low, smooth male voice with a Russian accent as strong as the other speaker's that sounds an awful lot like the voice of Lucius Malfoy comes through the letter. "And, little vizard, know no matter vhere you go, ve vill find you."

Then for some strange reason, the letter turns, as if changing its stare to Severus. "Oh, and Severus, dear, have you heard? Lost Soldier on the march. He makes his vay across America, taking down base after base, leaving razed ruins in his vake and tearing through facility's data for anything that could relate to Vidow and her Volf. I think he in Europe by the end of the year. Perhaps Yasha not as far gone as Natalia thought."

Then the red paper is up in bright flames.

At first, no one reacts, unsure how to honestly. Then Darcy is reaching over to him and accepting the twenty he offers. She pockets the bill in her bag under the table with ease and practiced secrecy. They'd made a bet on whether or not the letter would be from just Yelena or Niko or both of them. She'd bet both while he'd wagered that only one would suffice. Then, just like that, she goes back to happily munching on her food, purposefully ignoring the thick tension in the air. When no one does the same after a few moments have passed, she stops and looks around with unveiled curiosity bleeding through her amused expression.

"What?" she asks the room at large.

When no one answers her, she arches an eyebrow. "I believe that they're unsure how to react to the Howler Moody just received," Severus explains in a whisper near her ear, highly amused. "Darcy, did you truly need to tell them? I do not like what Moody did to Draco any more than you do, but don't you think telling both of them was a bit much? Surely Niko would have sufficed? He may be her husband, but he is less...terrifying." And it's true. He completed the Wolf Spider Program, but she completed the Black Widow Program and even managed to beat a few of his mother's records.

"Ooh, well if that's all," she breathes. Then she dramatically rolls her eyes and shrugs nonchalantly. She glances over and meets Moody's gaze, the normally stoic, unshakable wizard looking thoroughly threatened. "What? You didn't think I'd carry through with my threat, did you? Well, for future references, 98.5% of the time I do, that 1.5% of the time being when actual murder is concerned. I told you that you'd be sorry you ever messed with my family. Besides, that was just the first bit."

Then a throaty chuckling fills the air from behind him. "Who pissed them off? I thought everyone knew upsetting the deadly duo was a bad idea. They're just as bad as me, if not more since there's two of them. What did he do to warrant that complete of a death threat?" the newcomer asks, teasing humor from their words.

In reply, Darcy smiles and turns to the person who spoke. He glances over as well to find his mother leaning against the doorframe of the adjacent room, arms crossed over her chest and a smirk curling her lips. She has a look of nonchalance in her eyes that is teasing and amused. "Hello, little ones," she greets. Then she lifts off the doorframe to saunter over to stand between them, resting her hands on the backs of their chairs. "So, this is Hogwarts? It's...certainly big if this is anything to go by...and old." He watches her take a quick sweep of the occupants, who, while having gone back to chatting and eating, have hushed considerably at the sight of his mother. Even in a simple outfit of jeans, a navy-blue shirt, red leather jacket, and a pair of flats, she still gives off a commanding presence that draws attention. "And these are the rug rats you keep complaining about, Sev. Seriously? They look more interesting than the baby-agents we used to terrify, just younger."

"Yep, pretty much sums it up! Big, old, but with legit magic. The staircases are kinda fun, though, since they move around randomly. The kids are cooler too since they actually know what fun is and aren't completely terrified of me simply based on the principle that I'm married to this guy and besties with you and Clint. Anyway, why are you here and how the hell did you find this place? You never did tell how you even knew how to get here. Doesn't this place have some shit like that to keep people like u-you out?" Darcy cuts in. No one draws attention to her near slip up of saying "us" instead of "you." No one knows that she's a muggle, and the couple would prefer that to remain true for now. Too many of the more elite families would be less than welcoming to learn of her non-magical heritage and may object to her teaching there, especially since she has yet to make it a whole year as a teacher and show her expertise in the subject. She casts an accusatory look towards him, and he remembers that he's never exactly explained her ability to be here to her.

"When he took the job here, Severus gave Clint, Coulson, and I the exact coordinates of this place," Mum informs them.

"The wards here only deter Muggles if they don't know where to look and are just wandering," Severus explains. Then, in a hushed tone so that only the three of them can hear, he furthers his explanation. "However, if they know exactly where to look and have the specific intent to come here, the wards do not expel them. In your case, your use of a portkey, one that had been warded to make sure it only worked if you were the one to touch it, was enough intent that the wards allowed you entrance."

"Oh, okay, cool. I guess that makes sense," Darcy says.

"Severus, my boy, you brought a muggle into Hogwarts?" the heavily intrigued voice of Albus asks. "Surely, you understand the repercussions of such an act. Her mind will certainly have to be obliviate'd before she leaves."

"Wipe my mind, wizard, and you will feel repercussions. In addition, Severus is not 'your boy,' so I will ask that you cease calling him that," his mother damn near growls, allowing some heat to seep into her words when addressing the Headmaster. "Now, Darcy, are you nearly ready?"

"Yep, just let me finish up my elixir of the gods!" his wife chirps before gulping down a healthy swig.

Mum turns to him with an inquisitive brow. "Will you be joining us or are you too busy? You've told me before about the heavier obligations of being a Head of a House."

"Actually, I believe they can survive without me until Monday. I have no detentions to oversee this weekend. I have my lesson plans memorized after so many years and any grading can be done in our flat at the Tower," he replies.

Darcy, now finished inhaling her chai, turns to stare at him with wide eyes. Just as he is about to ask her what the expression is conveying, she blinks and grasps his mother's arm. "Dibs!" she announces suddenly.

At her claim, both mother and son share a look before chuckling low in their throats in amusement. He rarely ever laughed within Hogwarts before his wife came to teach here, so he does not doubt that this new expression of joy is highly surprising to the student and staff population of Hogwarts. "And what, may I ask, are you calling dibs on, love?" he asks.

"Co-pilot." She says it like it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Of course, you are co-pilot, птичка (little bird)," Mum answers. "Severus has too much work to do to be of any help as a co-pilot, and you need to practice more if you want to become a certified pilot by the end of the year."

"Work? What do you mean?" He truly does not know what she means. She pulls out a silver USB drive and hands it to him, which he quickly pockets. "Mum," he whispers only loud enough for her to hear due to her enhanced hearing before returning to a louder volume. "What do you mean? What is this?" "This" referring to the piece of technology he just received.

She reaches out and grabs a plate, piling it high with food. She eats it as she nibbles on the food from her plate as she explains. "Just because you took down the helicarriers for Project Insight in May doesn't mean you stopped it or hydra. They're still active. If anything, they're even more active now that they've been outed and don't have to hide in the shadows like the loathsome cockroaches they are," Darcy starts.

"This has the files on every known base, including the ones we think Яша (Yasha) has hit," Mum adds. "Jarvis, Stark, and I have already combed through them all, but we figured why not see if you could find anything. It also has files on every field agent you have ever partnered with on an assignment. Again, Jarvis, Stark, and I have already gone through them, but we thought that you might be able to pick up something that may not be on file as you've had personal experience working with them. They're right, you know. He's taken down 5 bases already." Severus doesn't have to guess who she's referring to when she says "he." "This is what was left from his data sweep. He left nearly everything, but from what Jarvis and I can tell, he scanned any file that mentioned him or us. Perhaps my husband, my Yasha, is still in there somewhere. In addition, I have separated and highlighted anyone who I believe may have had interactions with the Winter Soldier."

Then in a low voice only he and Darcy can just barely make out, she adds, "I know we both agreed that it would be useless to find him and try to persuade him to come to the Tower with us, I really do believe that he's definitely not ready for that. However, I do have a small hope that if you and I could see if we can spot some tiny hint of where he is or where he might strike next, we could help him a bit, even if all we do is give him the location of one of our safehouses. I've already found something, but I was hoping maybe you could find something more, especially with that magic you've got."

His mother has always been absolutely thorough when searching through things and very rarely misses anything at all, so he doubts he'll be able to find anything that she could have possibly missed in her very fine-toothed comb. However, he is a fresh set of eyes, of perspective, on the file and just maybe, against the nearly impossible odds he'll find something new.

"Ah, I shall work on it during the flight then," he tells her. She nods her thanks.

"Yay! I'm sure Helen will appreciate your presence!" Darcy teases.

"I truly do not understand why, though," he says. "Surely she knows I'm married."

"Simple. Despite the fact that I hate overgeneralization and stereotyping, I have to say you do fulfill that whole 'tall, dark, dangerous, and mysterious' fantasy pretty much every girl has got in a way that none of the other Avengers do. Plus, you've got an accent," Darcy replies easily as she nibbles on some fruit.

"Again, I'm married," he has to say.

"Again, that just adds a level of unobtainable attractiveness. They probably are even more curious now since you're married. Their logic is probably something along the lines 'there must be something about him that she liked.' Plus, you are off limits now, which only adds to the whole appeal," his mother points out.

"But I do not want to be appealing or attractive to them," he hisses under his, only loud enough for Darcy and his mum to hear.

They laugh. "Well, tough luck, honey. Unfortunately for you, it pretty much came with becoming a public figure," Darcy laughs, "or, at least, being married to one."

"I believe you can check the boxes in both accounts, Severus," his mother adds as she finishes up the food on her plate. "Alright, wheels up in ten."

"Aye-aye, Nat! Let's get this show on the road!" Darcy chirps brightly then hops up to go grab her stuff. "Co-pilot gets to choose tunes!"

Both mother and son chuckle. Of course, co-pilot gets to choose tunes. That fact has been undisputed since the Incident of Bermuda, which ended with the Blonde Three—Thor, Steve, and Clint—stripped to the waist and covered in mud, Tony making a snow cone machine out of coconuts and sand, and Bruce, Severus, and his mother had to repair the crashed Quinjet with spit, extra hair ties, and duck-tape.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. I know that there are grammatical mistakes during the Howler, but I hope that did not impede your ability to read, understand and enjoy this. Happy New Years!