Lupin

Later I'd say we both pushed each other away. Two insecure teenagers do not make the best lovers, even if what they had was lovely and genuine. Even if they fit so well before. Maybe if we'd gotten together when we were older it would have, but we did not and there's no point in what ifs.

Following our walk, Pansy grew insecure. As much as I tried to ignore it, I could not deal with it. Her voice became whiny. I started liking her decidedly less every day. She grew more clingy. Demanding I walked her to every class and I did initially. Slowly taking up more and more of my free time.

She also alternated between hanging more around Daphne Greengrass. Gossiping about other girls.

I almost felt relieved when professor Lupin asked me to stay back after class. Pansy gave me a sympathetic look and a kiss before she walked out. Lupin leans against the desk. "How is your interest in the patronus charm going?"

I feel frustrated. I hardly seemed to make any progress. Pansy was always demanding me to be with her.

Professor Lupin then continued. "It is a very difficult charm. There would be no shame in it if you haven't been able to produce one. Many grown wizards can't."

I sputter. "Who says it wasn't just academic interest?"

"Well, it isn't, is it?" Lupin says. "You wouldn't have come to me if it was." I agree it makes sense. "You might not like me. Nor trust me. I am still your defence teacher."

Curiosity won over. "How do you cast it?"

Lupin patiently showed me the wand movements and went over the right pronunciation of the spell. "Though this is very important, the most crucial thing is to find the right memory. You can't just think of any memory. That's the real trick of the spell, you need to find a thought that is so bright and it can protect you from the darkest corners of your own mind." We sit there in quiet. I am thinking Lupin's words over. "You can go if you want to." He smiles lightly. "You don't have to be in my presence." It didn't sound bitter. It could have easily sounded bitter. He just looked at me with acceptance. Like there just were some people that hated you based on the fact that you were once bitten by a werewolf and that was okay.

I suddenly started wondering about Lupin. I hadn't before. Maybe because it was easier to see him as a monster or this halfbreed that was less than me then as a real human being. To me at that moment, being a werewolf just seemed lonely and scary and watching his scarred face painful. "Can you cast a patronus charm?" What I really wanted to know was much more private. Would a werewolf have a memory strong and happy enough? Lupin nods, but makes no move to cast it.

Patronus

I had my first row with Pansy. I told her I couldn't hang out with her all the time. I told her I missed my friends. It was something that had been bothering me. She didn't take well to my words. Now I had found Ginny sitting in an empty classroom, laughing loudly at something Fred or George had just said.

I feel a bit hesitant: should I knock?

I decided not to. Ginny seemed surprised to see me. "Are you looking for Pansy?" The question was posed innocently.

The twins seemed to find this hilarious. "Geez, Malfoy, looking for your girlfriend in an empty classroom?" The other twin then added: "Maybe you should look in the astronomy tower."

I felt heat flush to my cheeks. "I'm not looking for Pansy."

Ginny looks at me a bit sheepishly. "I just thought, you know? You've been hanging around her a lot lately. You've always stuck together, but not like.. this."

The twins decided to clarify it for if it wasn't clear yet.

"Like peanut butter and the roof of your mouth." "Or your fingers after using superglue." "You're like a siamese twin."

"Or like when your hungry and go to the fridge and you can't find anything good so you close the fridge, but then you change your mind and decide you did see something you liked." "Exactly like that," the other twin supplied. "Yeah, so you tuck the fridge, but it won't open and is sealed shut because it is like repressing itself."

The other twin must have seen something on my face. "Stop it Fred, you're upsetting our little Slytherin here." Ah, so this was George. George was looking at me straightly. "I get it. I know the feeling. I mean, you start to tug as hard on the handle and stand back on your feet to get some leverage, but it doesn't open. Then you just feel sad, thinking about the food you saw, but cannot reach."

Ginny is laughing freely. The joking twins are strangely comforting. Fred then opens his mouth, but before he can say anything, I beat him to it.

"I get it," I say quickly. "Pansy and me are like atomic particles in a nuclei."

"Your what?" George blurts out.

Of course, a few months ago I would have caused a fire trying to get some light in a muggle house, to them I must sound like I was talking gibberish. I decided it would be too weird to explain. Even trying to explain a Malfoy was interested in Muggles of all things! Interests and passions though weren't written in blood or DNA, they were grown pursuing something.

I then quip: "Like two magnets."

They got that.

Fred then said: "So to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?"

I give Ginny a look, trying to convey I know more about casting a patronus. "Oh," she softly gasps. "Guys, leave it, you just told me you had to meet Lee for super secret stuff anyways."

George turns to Fred. "I feel we are being left out of the loop."

"I do too, George," Fred gives us a curious look. Then he does an impression of some pompous guy I presume must be their rule-abiding brother Percy. "Simply splendid to have seen you, old friends, we have some important business to attend to though. Now, we expect you to read your school books and get good grades. As we always say be a stickler to the rules."

I snort then quickly turn to Ginny and tell her all I found out about the patronus charm. I then conclude: "So it's going to be difficult, but it must be possible right?"

Ginny quips a smile. "Going up with Fred and George makes you believe anything's possible as long as you've got enough nerve."

I smile. "Well keep that in mind."

Pansy

I could no longer put it off. Christmas was coming up and I could hardly break it off when she'd stay at my place or something like that. It would be better to do it while we were still at Hogwarts. I had written it on paper, wanting to do this well. Pansy was not just some girl, she was my first friend.

Pansy is fawning over me. I push her off me. "I'm sorry," I say. She looks at me, not understanding. "When we first started seeing each other everything felt great. We were still us. You teased me. I teased you back. Then it was less great, but it still felt nice. Then it grew worse. I don't want to hate you, but being in your presence all the time it makes me like you less."

Pansy is crying.

I don't like seeing her cry. "I'm really sorry. It's just you're so insecure and I can tell you every day how beautiful and great I think you are, but it won't change anything because you don't believe me."

I take a step back. "I can't deal with that. You know, I am insecure too and I feel the past weeks we've brought out the worst in the other. That's not how relations are supposed to be. You need to realise that talking bad about others or pushing me to spend every second with you won't give you any confidence. It just grows and shows how insecure you're feeling. You can't trust me. And I get it. I feel that urge too, to talk others down to feel better, but it always ends up making me feel worse."

I walk towards the door, but turn back to her. "That we are breaking up doesn't mean I never cared for you or liked you. Love in books always makes it seem like love was not real if the relationship ends, but that's bullshit. People grow, I just would have never guessed we'd grow apart."

I walk out of the door and I feel like crying. I am glad that this is over, but it does not make it any easier. I take my broom and quickly soar through he air.