AN:

Last chapter I made a joke about the inquisition – because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Well actually Jingles! - the Spanish Inquisition always gave a thirty day notice.

I admit partial defeat here. Partial.

Chapter 2 – The Modern AU Part II.

"No one is ready for this sister. MUA HA HA HA HA HA!"

They cackled in adoration of what they had just created as Toothless batted at the Magic Yarn Ball with cool aplomb.

"Do you think we should return the cat?" asked Ruffnut.

Tuffnut stopped cackling and looked confused.

"Do you think we should return the cat?"

"Naw. Hiccup ought to be happy about it. It's not every day we make a pet a national celebrity, is it Toothless? - OW!"

Tuffnut had tried to pet Toothless while he was saying this and Toothless wasn't having any of it.

"Maybe we should go ask Hiccup about it. We could split the profits."

"Split my profits! Split my profits! I would never imagine such an abominable thing – OW! Could you stop doing that!?"

Ruffnut pinched her brother sharply.

"I don't want our profits to be spoiled because of a technicality. C'mon old fool."

"Ooh! An insult! I've been maligned! I'll never speak to you again!"

"And I thought you were supposed to be the mature one."

"Well I am, it's just that you're really infuriating sometimes. Me first!"

Tuffnut opened the window and jumped out, followed closely by his sister. They hit the ground with a thump, made a quick bow in the direction of the house, and ran off.

"Wait, shouldn't we have taken the car?"

Meanwhile…

Hiccup dropped Astrid off at her place and drove home, pulling up in the driveway just as Tuffnut commenced the experiment.

It was not a small abode, built with the best, most modern materials money could buy, but its architecture smacked of the Viking, something which his father had insisted upon when he'd had it built and Hiccup thought looked rather intimidating, especially when it came to the fake dragon head that hung over the porch.

He unlocked the door and went in.

"Tooothless! I'm home!"

There was no welcoming meow, no black streak of fur tackling him before he could even take off his shoes.

"That's funny," said Hiccup to himself. "Is he taking a nap?"

He took off his vest, threw it in the dirty laundry and then checked the basket on impulse, shook it to make sure there was no lazy cat in there getting his forty winks. It had happened before.

"Tooothless!"

Hiccup scoured the house for his cat from the attic to the basement and there was no trace of him. Was he stuck in the fridge again, making a mess of the cheesecake? Apparently not. Was he getting into shenanigans on his father's business computer again? No, but that had been hilarious. Had he gotten into the kitty biscuits? There was no sign of that, thank goodness. The last time he'd done that he'd grown so fat he could barely walk.

If he wasn't in the house then he must be outside of it, probably in the backyard. Still, if he had been there, why hadn't he come inside when Hiccup had pulled up in the driveway.

That was when Hiccup saw the open window with the screen knocked out and he knew that someone had been around when he was away.

So he called the police.

A little while later.

"So you're trying to tell me that someone broke into your house and only took your cat, nothing else," said the incompetent guy on the other end of the line.

"Yes."

"And you're sure that nothing else was taken? It was just your cat?"

"Yes."

"Sir, I think you've lost your cat."

"No. The window was clearly open and someone definitely tore out the screen."

"I thought you used Linux. Should this be filed under computer vandalism?"

"That's not what I'm trying to tell you!"

There was a noise from the policeman's end, a yell and what sounded like a fistfight before a different man got on the phone.

"Sorry 'bout that. We're not allowed to fire that guy. What is your problem?"

Once again common sense had taken a vacation.

"I think someone's kidnapped my cat."

"What did he look like?" asked the man. "Any defining traits?"

"Well, he's black and has green eyes, he's pretty fat and he doesn't like walking so much that I sometimes classify him as a reptile. That's about it."

"The best thing you can do is put up some posters. If you think he's been petnapped we'll see what we can do, although there's not much unless you can come up with some more evidence. Did your house have a porch camera, by any chance?"

Someone rung the doorbell, although it sounded more like whoever it was had decided to just mash the button repeatedly.

"Hang on," said Hiccup. "This might take a minute."

He opened the door to find the twins.

"Uhhhhh, hi? What are you two doing here?"

"I told you he was home!" shouted Ruffnut.

Tuffnut rolled his eyes.

"Look, we've got a proposal for you. Your cat is about to become the most influential feline in world history."

At least he was candid.

"Does this mean that you have Toothless?"

"No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no -"

"Yes."

"GIVE HIM BACK!"

"Sure. Uh, where is he?"

Hiccup tapped his foot, obviously impatient.

"I thought you brought him along," said Ruffnut.

"Well I thought you brought him! It's not my fault you forgot Toothless!"

"But if you hadn't put up such a fuss about your dumb profits maybe we would've remembered to get him!"

"My fault! My fault! Why you conniving liar, I'll -"

Hiccup broke into the conversation.

"Wait, profits?"

"Uhhhh -" Tuffnut scratched the back of his head. "We were planning to make Toothless into a flying cat and take over the internet with memes. We're going to the patent office with this one."

"Without my permission?" Hiccup's voice was absolutely scathing.

"Yes."

"You do realize that I would've let you do this if you'd just asked me, right?"

"Yeah – wait, what? Since when?"

"Since now. Imagine it! The Haddock and Thorston Meme Company in all of its righteous glory. We could sell memes to the masses! It's a genius plan!"

It was at this moment that the twins realized that Common Sense's vacation had been extended permanently.

"That's perfect! You've just got the names the wrong way 'round. It should be The Thorston and Haddock Meme Company, of course. There are two Thorston's and only one Haddock, right bro?"

"What she said."

It was at this moment that a secret agent jumped out of a nearby bush and put handcuffs on the twins.

"Hah! I've got you now! You're under arrest."

"Hey hey hey! What are we being arrested for?" asked Tuffnut.

"You were plotting to make flying cat memes. This cannot stand."

"Why? It's just a normal meme."

"No. It's the perfect meme. Do you know what would happen if there was ever a perfect meme?"

"Wouldn't that be paradise?"

"It would be dystopia. You see, humans already spend a ridiculous amount of time watching memes, funny cat compilations, political jokes – you know the drill. If there was perfect meme society would shut down! Everyone would be glued to their screens forever! There would be no new children, no production, no government, nothing! The world as you know it would end! Only a few jungle tribes would survive to rebuild after the apocalypse. You have two choices. We can put you in a secure mental facility or we can wipe your memories."

"What about Hiccup?"

The agent shot Hiccup a glance.

"This never happened."

"I feel really creeped out right now – I'm just gonna go," said Hiccup, and he turned to go inside.

Then the agency man shot him with a sedation dart rifle he'd pulled out of nowhere and Hiccup sank to the ground in a heap.

"So, what's it gonna be now?"

"Does the 'secure mental facility' option include imprisonment?"

"Yes."

"Then we'll go with the memory wipe. Say, what's your name?"

"The g-man," he said, and then they blacked out.

The next day at school….

"Hey Hiccup, have you seen the twins?" asked Astrid.

Hiccup thought for a moment.

"No, no I haven't. Maybe they're out of town or something."

"Okay."

"C'mon. We can't be late for class!"

And so the order of the world was restored, at least in that universe…. In others – well, not so much.

AN:

No, the g-man being in lowercase was not a typo. Originally I had it as the G-Man, but then I remembered at the last moment that the G-Man doesn't do his own dirty work. In comes G-Man in training - which is why he's not being sufficiently cryptic. I hope that cleared it up for you guys.

So that's what I was talking about when I mentioned something unexpected last chapter. And as you can probably tell from the ending, there's going to be more. A lot more – as in making fun of most every trope in the fandom as soon as I can think of them more. I can't say there's going to be regular updates – my inspiration comes and goes, as most readers who are followers of mine will know, but I work hard to deliver the funnies when I can.

Next up – something utterly ridiculous that I haven't thought of yet but will soon.