A/N: Chapter 6 has arrived, it's lengthy, chunky and it freaking took forever. But another character has entered the fray.
Long author's note at the end btw.
Disclaimer: I don't own Oregairu.
Edit: Thanks to a certain guest review regarding the issue with the interactions between chapters 1 and 4 towards the current status of Hachiman and Yui's relationship. I had decided against taking them down, so please note that the contents of those two are NOT related to the others. Added horizontal rules (which keep disappearing for some reason).
For the other guest review regarding an update for a separate fic, you have mistaken me for StoryTelleroftheMist, but I'll let him/her know.
It was a cloudy day as Hikigaya Hachiman sat on the low steps of his "best place", on his lap laid the bento box that Komachi had prepared for him earlier morning. It contained a healthy plethora of meat, vegetables and rice divided into portions which were carefully and decoratively set by his loving little sister.
'And not a tomato in sight.' He mused while observing for any hints of it, remembering how she had slipped one into his meal before to tease him.
Everything was almost perfect... Almost. There was one more thing he knew that could complete this little scenery of his, but the odds of it coming true were stacked against him.
'If only Totsuka were here... I'd have asked for nothing more.' He mused, shaking his head.
Before he could dig his chopsticks into his appetizing meal, the sound of footsteps pattering on the floor took his attention. A cool sea breeze blew and, like a heaven-sent guide, made him turn his head to his left.
There he was, the angel he had yearned for, treading his way towards him. His dead fish eyes fixed their gaze upon the person and the sight nearly stilled his heart if it weren't beginning to race.
He could see it: his silver locks softly bouncing at his movements, the beads of sweat on his forehead shimmering like prismatic bubbles as they were flung away while he ran, the innocent longing in those round, blue eyes of his that seemed to be screaming for his name...
"Hachiman, can you hear me?" A boy's voice called, one that lacked a certain degree of masculinity. When he had broken off from his reverie he found himself staring right into the pout on Saika's face. The two were making direct eye-contact as he sat beside him whilst leaning forward a little, the distance between their faces only a mere few inches.
The loner quickly withdrew from the close proximity and struggled to calm his beating heart down after narrowly avoiding the urge to pounce at the prey before him. With a deep breath he recollected himself and faced the boy properly once more.
"T-Totsuka," he started with a shaky voice, "I didn't expect you to come here."
"Oh, sorry. Did I disturb you? I had been looking for you."
"I-I see..." Hachiman gulped at his next question. "You needed something?"
"Umm, about that..." Saika fiddled his fingers coyly, this time he was the one to avert his gaze. "You see, I kinda needed to talk to you... in private."
"Private?" It was his turn to grow nervous. "No one else is here so... what is it?"
"W-well, how do I put it? I was wondering if..." A slight blush drew on his face while he sought for the proper words to use. "Let's just say if you were to go out, where would you prefer to eat?"
'Go out and eat?' Hachiman could hear his own heartbeat thumping loudly, like it were to burst out of his chest. 'I-is Totsuka possibly indirectly asking me out on a... date?'
He observed the boy in front of him, his hand was up on his mouth as if he were chewing on his thumb. His eyes were also bigger than before, glossy and pleading in nature as he awaited his response.
'But Totsuka asking me out is too good to be true. And why do those eyes feel somehow familiar...'
It was then that an image flashed before his mind for a split-second, one that harbored a similar gaze with the same powerful effects as the one before him held. Seeing her face made him remember recent events and with a stroke of serendipity, the dots connected and things started making sense.
"Wait a minute, Totsuka. Tell me something first," he cleared his throat. "Is the reason you're asking me this is because Yuigahama asked you to?"
"Ah-!" Saika covered his mouth to possibly stop any words from revealing the truth, but his reaction was enough to confirm that his hunch was right. With a defeated sigh, he scratched the back of his head. "Y-yeah, she kinda did. Was it that obvious?"
"I knew it." Hachiman sighed in return, cursing himself for guessing correctly. "But no, not really so don't blame yourself. It's more of a shortcoming on her side, if anything."
"Alright, but please don't tell her you found out, okay? I promised Yui-chan not to let you know the reason behind it." He pressed his hands together and winked at him.
'Adorable! Simply adorable!' Hachiman silently nodded, fearing other words would leave his mouth if he were to open it.
"Still, even if you two do happen to get along well these days, I am still surprised you managed to find out that she had asked me for that favor."
"Huh? Yuigahama and I get along?"
"Yeah! While it is a bit rare, whenever I see you two together you guys seem to hit it off better than before. To be honest, when she called for my help regarding this I had mistaken the two of you to be dating. She was acting all nervous when she approached me, and even while we were talking... "
"..." Saika noticed a slight blush on Hachiman's face as he listened silently to him.
"Wait a minute, so you mean to tell me the two of you are dating?"
"What? No, no, no!" He adamantly denied, not wanting his precious angel to get the wrong idea nor to know he fancied the thought of Saika watching him. "You have it wrong, we are definitely NOT dating."
"No need to be too defensive about it." Saika chuckled, his words coming off familiarly to him.
"I just want to avoid any misunderstandings or rumors from starting to spread around campus, something like that would certainly tarnish her reputation. She's a member of Hayama's clique so it wouldn't do if people went and talked about us in hushed whispers. It's just that I did her a favor and she's simply paying me back in goodwill. Nothing more, nothing less." He said matter-of-factly. Plus, Hachiman felt there was no real need to revisit embarrassing middle school experiences to use as examples to emphasize his point.
"That does sound like you. Alright then, if you say so." He shrugged. "But I'm curious, what did exactly happen for her to be indebted to you?"
"Do I really have to?" Hachiman asked, but the look on Saika's face gave the answer. "Fine. Let me see, I guess it started when I was in club..."
'Dammit. This is futile.'
Hikigaya Hachiman closed the book in his hands and pinched the bridge of his nose. He took a quick glance at the clock hanging on the wall and gave out a sigh.
It had almost been an hour since club started, and while he normally whiled the time away by reading his novels today he could not find it in himself to do so.
Peering over to his left he saw the "Ice Queen" namely Yukinoshita Yukino intently reading a book of her own, silent as ever while maintaining her perfect posture as she sat upright on her chair. The fact that his view of her was unobstructed brought his attention towards the empty seat that laid between them, one that belonged to a certain noisy airhead whom had yet to make another appearance.
It was none other than Yuigahama Yui, whose scheduled retake for her exam was today hence she excused herself from club in the meantime. The two wished her good luck before she left, to which she responded by reassuring them with a thumbs-up that she would definitely pass it without fail.
Hachiman had faith in his and Yukino's efforts that they would surely yield positive results, but when it comes down to it nothing was truly certain after all. 0.01% in itself was still a chance no matter how much the odds were against it and life always found ways to mess things up, pulling out a myriad of tricks from up its sleeve when least expected.
Lost in his thoughts he had not noticed that he was mindlessly tapping his foot on the floor until Yukino raised her head from her book and shot him an icy glare, sending chills down his spine.
"Hikigaya-kun, would you kindly refrain from doing that? Some of us are trying to read in peace and quiet." She complained, resuming her activity soon after.
"Sorry."
Tried as he might, he could not stop himself from worrying. The thought gnawed at him and all his efforts to redirect his attention had been in vain. Even when he told himself repeatedly that everything would turn out fine and that he believed in her abilities (to a certain extent, of course), part of him still dreaded the possibility that if her luck ran out now of all times she would without a doubt fail.
And that certain pessimistic part of him was none other than his gut, which would definitely receive a finishing blow from Shizuka as the untold consequence if he did not accomplish her favor. He felt a sore spot forming on it as his anxiety levels rose, stirring a storm within him that grew in intensity at each passing moment.
His stomach did not have to churn for longer however, as the door to the room suddenly slid open loudly to reveal a bubbly, young girl with short, peach hair standing there, a bright smile beaming across her face like a shining beacon of happiness.
"Guys, I passed!" She declared enthusiastically, holding up a sheet of paper and waving it frantically in the air.
"Congratulations, Yuigahama-sa- *oof!*" The club president had the wind knocked out of her as the other girl tackled her into a hug, nearly toppling her off the chair in the process.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you Yukinon!" Drowning her in gratitude her embrace tightened around her friend, whose protests regarding the invasion of her personal space falling onto deaf ears as she squirmed underneath her grip. "I couldn't have done it without your help!"
Hachiman only watched the two from afar and, having felt a little awkward as well as left out at the intimacy being shared between the two, tore his eyes away from them and returned to his novel. Now that his worries had been quelled and his mind put to ease, he smoothly blended into the background, a feat he had mastered from performing over the years.
He was quite used to it; not getting credited properly for his help that is, and not the public display of affection between two young girls. He wasn't against such relationships, it was more of he simply couldn't care less about them, just as he needed neither their thanks nor praises to make him feel better. His methods were often depicted as unorthodox by others, hence only a few actually did show their gratitude. Besides, he was well off knowing he did what he was asked to do, and to him that was all that ever mattered becau-
"Hikki!"
A cheerful voice broke his train of thought, cutting him off entirely from his internal monologue. He turned his eyes towards the source who still clung on Yukino and was met with the same smile from earlier, only this time it had a more powerful effect as it was directed straight towards him.
"Thank you too!"
"U-umm, sure..." Hachiman looked away, hoping that the two girls wouldn't notice the redness of his face. "You're welcome."
The club soon returned to its normal affairs, with Yui being the heart of the noise as she went on about her endeavor to pass her exam. She told them about how she stayed up late that night after their study session to review more and memorize the pointers they gave her, which proved to be helpful in answering most of the items.
"I was really nervous you know. But when I saw the questions on the sheet I was like, 'ah! I remember Yukinon showed me this one and Hikki explained this other one for me' and stuff." She recounted the events of earlier, complemented with her facial expressions and hand gestures. "The teacher was very happy to see that my score had improved greatly in comparison with my initial take."
"I'm surprised he never suspected you of cheating." Hachiman commented.
"C-cheating?" Yui's eyebrows furrowed at the word. "T-that's a totally mean accusation, Hikki! I would never do something dishonest like that!"
"I'm just kidding. No need to be too defensive about it." He waved his hand dismissively. "I'm sorry."
"Well... I really can't stay mad at Hikki." Yui sighed before smiling again. "Alright, I accept your apology."
Things soon quieted down as they were left to their own devices, with the girl in between striking up a conversation every now and then whenever she received a mail about something that the two might find interesting. When club period had finally ended the three packed their belongings and exited the room, with the two members waiting as Yukino locked the door shut.
"Yukinon, is it alright if Hikki and I go on ahead and wait by the shoe lockers while you return the key?"
"Hmm, will you be safe with only him around?" She planted her suspicion-filled eyes onto Hachiman.
"I would highly appreciate it if you stopped treating me like I'm some kind of sex offender all the time."
"Don't worry, I assure you that Hikki promises to behave." Yui turned to him. "Am I right?"
"Yeah, whatever." He replied sardonically, rolling his eyes. 'And I wish you wouldn't treat me like a pet though.'
"Very well, I'll be off." She then excused herself and made her way to the teachers' lounge as the two began on their own path.
Contrary to their accustomed manner of going somewhere together, since there were no other students hanging around the school anymore Yui found Hachiman walking side by side with her. It was a rather rare event as it usually were the three of them, she found the change of pace refreshingly different for this time she could feel his presence more than just his gaze piercing her back from afar.
And with this golden opportunity at hand, Yui decided to utilize it for something that had been in her mind since last night. Upon reaching their destination she stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath to muster her courage, carefully remembering the script she had prepared beforehand for this very moment.
"H-Hikki!" She blurted out. Her fists clenched as her arms grew rigid by her sides.
"Hmm?" Hachiman faced the girl, eyebrow raised in waiting for her to speak up.
"Ah, you see, I was just thinking..." Yui trailed off, suddenly losing grasp on the words she had memorized now that he was looking right at her.
"'Thinking?'"
"W-what are you getting at?!" She complained, but had to shove the snide remark aside for now as more important matters were at hand. "A-anyway, you know, since I did pass the test I-I thought of repaying you guys, my treat."
"Ah, there's no need for that." He shook his head. "It was only a favor from Hiratsuka-sensei after she let me off easy for sleeping in class, so don't worry about it."
"B-but I just wanted to-"
"I said there's no need for it." He declined her offer once more by cutting her off, Yui visibly taken aback by his abrupt interruption.
It was something that he had foreseen, though he hadn't given it much thought as his mind was previously occupied by other things. Hachiman didn't want Yui to feel obligated for his actions, he had helped her out merely because it was asked of him by his teacher, not by Yui herself. She shouldn't have felt indebted to him at all for anything as he had only done what he was told to do by Shizuka from their deal.
If there was one thing Hachiman hated besides nice girls, it was the feeling of being pitied upon.
There was a brief moment of silence before his words finally sunk in and the effects showed up on her.
"U-umm, I see..." She replied meekly, eyes downcast as her shoulders sagged, the disappointment in her voice reminiscent of times in the past when he had so rudely interrupted her and a disagreement about misinterpreted gestures of goodwill. "That's right, how stupid of me to think that way, h-haha..."
'Just ignore the nice girl, Hachiman. It's for your own good.' He gritted his teeth at the sight of her, at the sad expression marring her face that had previously been brimming with bliss, at how lifeless she appeared before him because of his own doing. 'Just. Ignore. Her.'
"...sorry." She whispered, almost to the point of merely mouthing the word yet it didn't fail to reach his ears and ultimately hit a soft spot he unknowingly had within him.
'*sigh* Goddammit.'
"Fine." He muttered. Yui lifted her head at the sound of his voice and looked at him, his back turned towards her. "Just don't think of this as you owing me this or anything."
"Ah, r-really?" Her face immediately brightened up at the sudden turn of events.
"Yeah."
Seeing Yui crestfallen like that somehow seemed very wrong for him, and he couldn't help but feel guilty for causing her. While he was normally indifferent about how others felt, it appeared to be a special case for him, much like Komachi whom he couldn't bear the thought of displeasing or getting mad.
"Really, really?"
"Oi, don't make me change my mind."
"Ahaha, I'm sorry." She giggled, now back to her old self much to his relief. Hachiman turned to her but instantly regretted it once he did as he saw the wide, contented smile on her face. "I'm just happy."
"I'll leave the planning to you and Yukinoshita then."
"Ah-!" Yui was surprised at his statement, realizing she forgot to mention an important point. "Actually, I-I was planning to treat Yukinon separately... since you two don't seem to get along well."
"So you're saying it's just you and me?"
"Mhm, exactly."
"..." Hachiman just stared at her in disbelief, blushing a bit before looking away to ponder over his decision. Yui tilted her head, nearly asking what the problem was when the thought struck her.
"B-b-b-b-but it's not a date or anything!" Her voice cracked as she quickly defended herself, waving her hand in front of her. "I-I just wanted to make sure you two won't ruin each other's time, I swear!"
"I never mentioned anything about a date."
"Y-yeah! I mean, you're not even my boyfriend yet, h-haha!"
"...'yet'?"
"*gasp!*" Yui covered her mouth, her face now growing even redder from ear to ear. "No! I-I-I mean, w-what I meant to say was, umm..."
"Reacting like that makes it only worse, you know." Hachiman sighed at how much trouble a nice girl could stir up so easily despite her poor attempts at articulating herself. He had to admit that after being a loner for so long, the kindness of the likes of her was truly a force to be reckoned with. He would always find himself slowly slipping from his grasp of things, nearly drifting away from where he stood and drowning in the sea of sweet lies that such nice girls had to offer.
But he would not falter. Hachiman vowed never to forget his past so he would never be doomed to repeat it.
"Let's just pretend that that never happened." He suggested, hoping it would finally put his and her minds at ease from the awkward situation they had unexpectedly dug themselves into. "But like I said, I'll leave it up to you to decide since I'm not good with these things."
It was a fact that a certain kouhai did the liberty of confirming for his sake.
"A-alright," Yui said, having recovered from the previous situation. Despite her face still bearing a tinge of red, there was strong determination within her eyes as she gave him a thumbs-up. "Just leave it up to me, Hikki!"
"And that's pretty much it." Hachiman concluded, rubbing his chin at a certain thought that had suddenly dawned on him after the recollection. "In hindsight, with what she did now, she made me decide on stuff anyway. So much for 'leaving it up to her'."
"I guess so. But maybe she didn't want to disappoint you if in case she made poor choices?"
"Really now," he scoffed at his naïve suggestion. "The secret to not being disappointed is to lower your expectations to realistic levels. Better yet, don't expect much at all, if possible. That way, even if things don't turn out well, you wouldn't feel let down."
"That doesn't sound quite commendable. But coming from you, I understand," Saika smiled warmly, causing Hachiman's heart to skip a beat. "Still, you need to put a little more faith in others, much like how they put theirs in you."
"That's not true. People only relied on me for my aid, whether I succeeded or not was still something they took into account."
"Yes it is! And even though they did somehow doubt you, in the end they still depended on you."
"That's only because they had no other choice."
"They could always have thrown in the towel instead." Saika pointed out. "But they didn't, right? And that's because youwere there for them. It's the same thing when you were there for me. I could have just surrendered, but you guys never gave up on me."
Hachiman didn't say anything back in fear of upsetting his angel so the boy went on.
"Yui-chan placed her trust on you when you helped her out to study, and so did Yukinoshita-san. If that still doesn't convince you, then know that I too believe that you would take good care of Yui-chan."
"Wait a minute, why are you leaving her to me? Do I look like some kind of babysitter?"
"...hey Hachiman, tell me," Saika scooted closer to his side and looked up directly into his eyes, making the other boy gulp at the lack of space between them. Their fingers were almost touching as he leaned a bit over to him, the butterflies in his stomach riled up in a chaotic flutter. "Let's just keep this between us guys... What do you think of Yui-chan?"
"W-why do you ask?" Saika didn't give an answer and only stared intently at him, the dead air pushing him to comply. "Well, we're club mates. She's very noisy and clumsy, and sometimes she can be a real airhead."
"Wait, those are all negative things. Doesn't she have any positive traits?"
"Hmm, I guess she has a way with handling people, making them feel comfortable around her."
"Anything else?"
"She can be very determined. Once she's all fired up at getting something done, you know she'll give it her all."
"Is she cute?"
"What? Where'd that come from? ...though I can't say she isn't."
"Do you think she's nice then?"
"She is. She's even willing to give up on things just to make way for others. In fact, she's the nicest girl I've ever known, and that wouldn't even be an overstatement."
'Too nice, to a fault.' Hachiman shrugged knowing just how diabolical nice girls were. How their acts of kindness could deceive you into thinking there was something more to their actions. Like sirens they would lure you in with their tricks, and once you lower your guard they would savagely end your pitiful life with a single, blatant rejection. You'd be sent spiraling down an abyss of despair wailing, and upon looking back up to see who pushed you, you will be met with nothing but the same, deceiving smiles on their faces.
Yui once let him feel that same kindness from before, and at the first instance of sensing it all the past experiences he had came flooding down into his mind. He was sure that she had only been nice to him out of obligation, out of indebtedness. He was sure there was no other reason for her to be that way towards him, as they had never even spoken to each other up until they met at the Service Club.
She knew that she was the cause for his accident before and simply wanted to pay for what she had owed him. He had confronted her regarding the matter and they ended up with a misunderstanding that, had it not been for Yukino's intervention, would have kept them drifting apart from each other to this day. Hachiman at least found that while he did think that way about her actions Yui was in her own way actually being genuinely kind to him, the reason being something he had yet to fully understand up to this day.
And now he had agreed to accompany her to some place he was left to decide in order to show her gratitude for his assistance.
It wasn't the fact that the gesture bore similarities with those of the past that had led him dark roads he never wanted to revisit, but rather despite his constant denials, part of him was feeling expectantly, part of him looked forward to the day.
Part of him had, at some point in time, grown a bit hopeful, and it truly sickened him to the core like spoiled milk and tomatoes.
"That's good to hear." Saika finally moved away from him, smiling contentedly at his companion. "But I believe she won't always act as selfless as she does at everything, and there'll be a time when she would choose to follow her own heart's desire."
"What makes you say that?"
"Just a hunch." He winked at him, effectively stopping a flustered Hachiman from prying any further. Saika then stood up and dusted himself off, signaling that he was about to leave. "Nevertheless, I'm glad to know the two of you are doing well. She's been happier lately too, and whenever we do get to chat you always seem to be a name that pops up in our conversation. Are you sure you two aren't dating?"
"A hundred percent." He replied quickly.
"Alright. Again, please don't tell her you found out about her favor. And lastly, don't hurt Yui-chan, okay?" Hachiman nodded at his request before he made his departure, leaving the loner to watch as his precious angel took off into the halls and disappeared from his field of vision at a right turn. Now that he had no one else left to talk to, his mind began to ponder on a few things Saika had mentioned.
He had previously pressed the reset button on his relationship with Yui, if there ever was one to call as such. He knew it was the right thing to do, and so he did without hesitation. But Shizuka's meddling and Yukino's effort on their affairs had caused the wall he had built to crumble, and soon he found that they were back to square one.
There was nothing left standing between him and her anymore, and in the passage of time he could feel that the distance between them grew smaller. It would be a lie if he told himself he was unaware of it.
Despite his hate for small talk, he found himself engaging in a conversation with her more often than before, usually during times they would walk together to and from club. Even if it was rare, there were also instances he would receive mails from her though most of them to him appeared to be illegible hieroglyphs that he had difficulty deciphering. Perhaps it was a riajuu thing.
Not to mention there were other things he tried his best to suppress...
'Hachiman, you're overthinking again.' He took a deep breath to relax. 'Worry about that later, for now just enjoy your-'
Before he could pick up his chopsticks the sound of the bell rang throughout the school, signaling lunch break has ended. He watched as the group of students from afar bustled on their return to their respective classrooms, chatting loudly as if they hadn't seen each other in ages. His eyes then moved to the meal lying on his lap, untouched and gone cold from the prolonged exposure as the sounds of voices of youth faded in the distance.
He let out another sigh as he stowed his bento away and stood up, deciding to head back to avoid getting in trouble again. He knew Shizuka wouldn't be as forgiving next time around. While making his way to class he found a girl standing by the first turn at the corridor, eyes widening at the sight of him.
"Yahallo Hikki!" She greeted. "We better hurry or we'll be late."
Hachiman didn't utter a word and only grunted his approval, watching as she took a few steps ahead of him as rehearsed before taking some of his own.
In truth, he was speechless from being caught by surprise from seeing her there. He almost believed that she had been there all this time waiting for him. Almost.
'But it all sounds too good to be true.'
"Hikki? Are you okay?" Hachiman flinched as he came back to his senses, nearly bumping into Yui as he had kept walking while she had stopped.
"You were saying?"
'There are limits to a person's kindness, and it depends on the level of familiarity between the two. But...'
"I wasn't saying anything, I just saw you looked sorta troubled back there?"
"Oh, it's nothing."
'But still.'
"Okay." Yui then resumed walking, with him following suit at a distance. He continued his contemplation, staring blankly at the girl before him while his body moved on autopilot.
As they reached the classroom Yui waved goodbye to him before entering first, returning to her seat among her peers. Hachiman went to his own desk and found himself stealing a glance at her from the corner of his eye.
'There were always some exceptions, and besides...'
He swore he caught her taking a peek at him as well with a small smile on her face.
'This is Yuigahama we're talking about...'
A/N: It's been a while.
I am terribly sorry for the late update. My laptop's hard drive got corrupted beyond repair (an unreadable bad sector formed in it), did all the possible remedies but to no avail. That means I lost all my precious files, including the two seasons of Oregairu. It dealt quite the blow on my motivation to write so I took a really long time before I could finish this one. Luckily my stories are stored elsewhere hence they weren't affected by the unexpected wipeout, so at least there's that.
Then there's the internet access. I often visit FFN at work because I rent a place nearby and only go home during weekends. But because of a transition occurring here, my access to the proxy server I am using was revoked. I am still open to betareading, but I do apologize for any delays.
Also I normally don't like writing multi-chapter stories (because I feel like I will grow lazy and drop/abandon the story at some point in time), yet here I am writing one... Oh well, good luck to me.
Thanks as well to Pewdepew, Kaisaeren, Betrayed Dreams and Juphup for being there to talk to me regarding this story. You all helped me out by motivating me to write so I'm really thankful for you guys.
Thanks to OmegaEleven (sorry fornot getting to reply via PM sooner bud) for pointing out that my previous summary had been misleading with the content all this time. I should be more mindful of such things. So yeah, this is no longer a collection of drabbles though the first and fourth ought to be unrelated to the others. I apologize for any confusion this has caused.
Prompt my Mr. Self-Deprecation, have Hachiman and Saika talk about his relationship with Yui, I hope I executed this properly and to your liking. Thanks again!
And to all my readers, guests or registered, who are still reading this even after I haven't posted anything in two months. Y'all the real MVPs.
Please let me know if you enjoyed this, if I did well or whatever areas of improvement you may find. I feel I have lost the spark in my writing after everything that's happened. *sigh* I need a cup of coffee.