Katsuki could barely sleep. He kept waking up at any subtle movement Deku made throughout the night, and at one point, Katsuki had turned towards him to admire him in his sleep. It was enthralling really, staring at the fall and rise of his chest as Deku slept soundlessly, the freckles on his cheeks that moved along with each breath he took, the adorable quirk of his slightly parted lips and his long fluttering eyelashes. These were all things that Katsuki didn't want to share with absolutely anyone. They were his and his only. He could stare at Deku forever and never get sick of it. But if he thought about someone else taking his place, about another guy laying next to Deku instead of him, just the sole thought made Katsuki's heart ache. He knew he had no right to feel this way; cowards like him that weren't able to confess their true feelings were not entitled to anything, yet he wanted Deku just for himself. He felt like one of those primitive men with one track mind that didn't want any of his possessions being touched by anyone else. But Katsuki was better than this, he would never degrade Deku to a mere possession, because for him he was so much more than that. Sometimes Katsuki couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of desire, possession and longing that surged somewhere deep within his soul whenever he was with Izuku, and that was truly why he had never let himself out in the open. When he came to Deku, Katsuki was scared of his own feelings.
Then there was the past, a past filled with years of bullying and misunderstandings, and even though they both had come to a defining term about it more than a decade ago, Katsuki wondered if he had any right to love Deku, let alone thinking about the possibility of being loved by him. He knew Deku had forgave him, but the root of those constant and churning thoughts lied on Katsuki's conscience itself, because, up until now, Katsuki was the one that had yet to forgive himself.
But Deku's obliviousness to his feelings was a whole other story. If he was oblivious, then what were the chances of him knowing how he really felt? If Katsuki thought about it with a lucid mind it was like Deku would never had the option to look at him under a romantic light, to choose him, because Katsuki himself was keeping that very option hidden from Izuku.
Katsuki sighs, biting his lip as he props his head on his hand and keeps staring. Deku was a heavy sleeper, Katsuki had learnt this through all of their several sleepovers.
"Shitty nerd!" Katsuki mutters with a fondness in his tone, looking at him sleeping peacefully, uncaring of Katsuki's own worries.
What if a villain showed up out of nowhere and took him by surprise? Heroes shouldn't let their guard down so much, they should be ready to sprint into action at any given moment, and not looking so vulnerable and defenseless as Deku did.
Suddenly Izuku's words resonates in Katsuki's mind;
"It's because Kacchan is with me!"
Izuku had said when Katsuki had made him notice how much of a heavy sleeper he was, "If I'm with Kacchan then I can sleep freely, because I know you'll always have my back."
Katsuki can't help the smile forming on his lips at the fond memory. Most of the time, Deku could surprise him and make his heart flutter with the simplest words, and the fact that he was needed by Izuku was what truly made Katsuki hope for a different outcome for them, and not just the label of 'friends' to which he had stuck with for so long.
"Fuck friendship." Katsuki thought bitterly.
He was doomed because of it.
He sees Izuku moving subtly on his sleep then, body sprawled across the bed and face dangerously close to his. For a second, Katsuki thinks he has woke him up and almost jumps out of his skin before realizing Deku is still asleep.
Enraptured by the moment, Katsuki brings a hand on Izuku's face, a calloused thumb stroking gently on one of his freckled cheeks. Izuku's skin is soft at the touch, and as Katsuki's eyes fall further down his face, he wonders if those cherry plump lips feel the same. He had never kissed Deku before, but the urge to know and the desire to taste him is so huge right at that moment, that Katsuki is not able to stop himself. Slowly he inches closer, the sound of a far away siren alarm is covered by Katsuki's own heart beating loudly in his ears. He had waited for so long that nothing can distract him from finally savouring this moment. And then Katsuki kisses him. It's brief, just a brush of lips, chaste and pure, but it's all Katsuki asks for. It will be his little secret, a secret that he will always keep concealed into the most hidden part of his heart. Deku will never ever know.
"Good night Izuku!" Katsuki whispers on his lips. Deku's real name feels foreign on his tongue, but Katsuki is at peace, and just like that he finally falls asleep.
He wakes up to the sound of shuffling water coming from the bathroom, soon realizing Deku isn't in the other side of the bed. He grunts softly, willing himself to rub the sleep away from his eyes when he sees Izuku coming out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around his hips. The sight nearly gives him a heart attack, and suddenly Katsuki is wide awake; his mind goes back to the night prior, to the stolen kiss. His face slightly reddens and his stomach twirls, sending pulsing vibrations straight to his groin. He had seen Deku half naked many times before, but strangely now the sole sight of him dripping wet after a shower and with only one piece of clothing around those sturdy and muscly hips was affecting his dick greatly.
"What the fuck nerd?" Katsuki says with no bite in his tone, "You gonna catch a cold like that, and when the fuck did I give you permission to use my shower?"
"Kacchan, get up! We're gonna be late for work!" Izuku says with accusatory eyes, completely ignoring his question as he promptly sits on the bed, facing him. "Did you forget about the conference we have to attend to this afternoon?"
Katsuki is still staring at him in awe, mouth open but no sound coming out, when suddenly everything clicks and Katsuki remembers that he and Deku, as well as other pro heroes, had been invited to this conference about quirk analysis after work. Katsuki would rather skip these so called social events, as Katsuki, unlike Deku, seemed to never fit into those. But the conference was held, nonetheless, by his all time hero All Might, and even if it had been a long time since the pro hero had retired, Katsuki didn't want to miss such occasion.
"Kacchan!?" Deku calls him again and Katsuki snaps out of his reverie, realizing Deku is in front of him, in the bed, on all fours and still half naked. Katsuki's eyes widen in stupor, eyes falling into Izuku's full figure. The nerd didn't seem to know what personal space was. "Are you ok? What are you thinking?" Deku says, expression worried, droplets of water drips down his hair and straight into Katsuki's crotch. Katsuki licks his lips as he lets his eyes peruse all over Izuku's body.
"I was thinking to fuck you senseless into the mattress." Katsuki blurts out before he can stop himself.
There's a mischievous glint dancing through Izuku's eyes, and Katsuki's heart stops.
The next thing he knows is that Deku is straddling his hips, arms tight around his neck as he pushes him back onto the mattress. He starts to nip at his neck gently, gracing his lips at Katsuki's earlobe. "I never thought you'd ever say that, Kacchan!"
The words send a bolt of electricity, which could rival Kaminari Denki's one, straight into his dick, and Katsuki immediately turns their positions, pinning Deku hard against the mattress. Deku moans at the impact but Katsuki swallows and tongues away his moans by crashing his lips hard and wet against his. Strong legs wrap around Katsuki's waist as Deku pushes against him to feel Katsuki fully. Katsuki's hands clutch desperately into green hair whilst Deku's fist into the back of Katsuki's shirt, almost ripping it apart. Through the towel and his own pyjamas, Katsuki can feel Deku's hard cock against his own.
"Fuck Deku... You feel... Fuck!" Katsuki breaths out throaty and low as he grinds possessively against Deku's still wet body. He feels Deku sneak his hand into his pyjamas and take hold of his hard, pulsing dick and Katsuki rolls his eyes in pleasure at the contact. It had been a damn long time since he had been manhandled so good. Katsuki's hands reach under Deku's ass then, and with a deep and possessive growl he hoists him up and spreads his ass cheeks apart, eliciting another moan from Deku.
"I want to fuck you so bad, Deku!"
"Please fuck me, Kacchan. Oh god. I need you!" Deku begs desperate, his cock twitching and his hole leaking. And with just that, Katsuki pulls his pyjamas pants down to his tights and positions his cock at Deku's entrance ready to fuck it while getting engulfed by those inviting, clamped walls. He buries the tip slightly, wincing at the sensation of the welcoming, searing heat. He takes a deep breath and-
"Kacchan?" Izuku's expression is pinched into one of utter worry. "Did you stroke out or something?"
Katsuki snaps out of his fantasy, and when reality slaps him hard in the face he grits his teeth and furrows his brows. Deku is in front of him but fully dressed now. Katsuki's cock was almost disappointed.
"Uh?" Is the only coherent response that Katsuki can give.
"Don't uh me, Kacchan! Are you not feeling well, after all?"
"N-no." Katsuki hastily replies as a way of reassurance. Deku stands with his arms crossed at the end of the bed, looking rather pensive. "I'm good nerd. I was thinking about the conference."
"Ok." Izuku sighs in relief, "But we're gonna be late if you don't hurry."
Katsuki nods, immediately jumping out of the bed and running to the bathroom, all the time being extra careful to hide his hard on from Izuku who's still looking at him in suspicion.
"I'll be quick." He shouts, closing the bathroom door behind himself and sliding down against it soon after. He brings his hands on his face, fully overwhelmed with shame. This was so mortifying. Letting his fantasies wild like that in front of Deku was really becoming a cause of concern. Katsuki was turning into a kind of animal, no doubt about that. But how could the nerd be so dense? Was he really that good at hiding his own feelings? Or maybe the nerd just pretended he didn't know anything because he felt pity towards him?
"Fuck!" Katsuki growls; he knew Deku wasn't like that. He quickly disregards his thoughts and hurries to get ready. He had to talk to someone about this, about these feelings that were eating him alive and consume him. He just hoped to catch on with Kirishima later because the need to spill out his bottled up frustration was huge.
Thirty minutes later, Katsuki is glad he makes it out alive of his apartment, but up to this point, he was truly not sure for how long he could keep it in his pants. Izuku had kept giving him weird looks all the way to work, occasionally asking him if he was ok, but Katsuki had simply shrugged and said everything was alright. This was what made Katsuki feel even more guilty. The nerd seemed so genuinely worried for him, he really didn't deserve his lewd thoughts.
The morning goes relatively good, Izuku had a meeting so they parted ways with the promise to meet at lunch time. By the time noon rolls around though, Deku texts him, warning him he couldn't make it. Katsuki was glad for it because he really needed to spend some time away from him and recollect himself. He also wanted to talk with shitty hair, who luckily worked in the same agency with him and Deku, so Katsuki is glad when he walks into the cafeteria and sees him sit at a table slurping on some looking delicious ramen.
"Hey Kirishima!" Katsuki says as a way of greeting, turning Kirishima's attention away from his food and to Katsuki's himself.
Kirishima watches him curiously as Katsuki sits besides him with nothing but a cup of black coffee.
"Dude! Is that your lunch?" Kirishima asks, eyebrows crinkling together.
"Not hungry!" Katsuki replies, taking a sip of his coffee and wincing slightly at the bitter taste. Kirishima pins him with a stare as he finishes his ramen bowl and sets it aside.
"Don't tell me!" Kirishima says, raising his hands up in the air as he takes in the view of Katsuki's clearly distressed expression, "It's Midoriya again." Katsuki jars at the comment but, nonetheless, he's glad that Kirishima brings up the topic without him mentioning it first. He didn't really know how to do that himself.
"Wow!" Kirishima says with a stupefied expression after listening to Katsuki's rumbling about Midoriya. Which lately seemed a normal occurrence, anyway. "Dial it back a bit. So you're saying you two slept together and Midoriya hugged you while doing so? And he even told you you're handsome?"
Katsuki sends him a nasty glare, heat rapidly rising on his cheeks, "Keep it down, shitty hair!" He says, looking around the cafeteria, wary someone had heard his friend, "And it's not sleep together," he growls, "don't fucking use that sentence inappropriately.
"Whatever man. You got what I meant." Kirishima says with a grin, crossing his arms behind his head. "But C'mon dude! From the gist of things seems like Midoriya is into you too."
Katsuki's eyes, even if briefly, light up at Kirishima's statement. "That's...," Katsuki swallows, "I don't think that's the case."
"What? Are you putting yourself down again? How is it that when it comes to Midoriya you're so doubtful? This is not like you. Midoriya is a nice guy. I don't think he'll ever do anything shitty even if you tell him your feelings." Kirishima puts his arms back down on the table, sighing as he continues. "Honestly, I don't think Midoriya will say no. You two are like an item already. Plus I told you man! If you keep this up it's gonna ruin your mental and physical health. You two are painful to watch. Just bang him already, geez."
Katsuki jolts in his seat, whipping his head around so fast that he almost knocks the chair over. "Fuck you Kirishima!" Katsuki sneers, "I told you to keep it down!
"If you wanna fuck someone then move it and ask Midoriya already." Kirishima says in exasperation, lying comfortably back on his chair. Katsuki holds back another growl but he doesn't spare his friend from his evil, irritated glare. Kirishima is unimpressed, however. "And make sure to spell it out loud and clear, because we all know how dense Midoriya is." He says, waving a hand in front of his face.
He stares at Katsuki pointedly for a while, noticing how his brows crease together in thought, and Kirishima's shoulders sag, "Seriously dude just confess already."
"Confess to who?" Comes a voice from behind them that Katsuki knows too well. He slowly turns around to see Deku standing behind them with a taut expression on his face and a tray of food in his hands. Suddenly Katsuki feels like all the air in his lungs had been sucked out by a professional vacuum cleaner, and all he can do is staring at him in pure, sheer horror.
"Deku?" Katsuki barely regains his breathing, "Since when you're there?"
"Been here for a while." Izuku says. He's wearing an unreadable expression and Katsuki has to wonder how much of their conversation he had listened to.
"Oh Midoriya!" Kirishima beams, contrasting comically with Katsuki's inner turmoil, which escalates quickly into a chant of 'kill kill kill' when he hears Kirishima's next words. "Actually," Kirishima cheers unabashed, looking utterly unapologetic, "Bakugou was telling me he wants to confess his feelings to the love of his life."
Katsuki's heart stops as the words sink in and watches Izuku's features changing into something that Katsuki reads as mild shock before they turn into something different. And for a moment there, he swears he can see disappointment all over Deku's face.
"Oh," Izuku says, lips parted in surprise, tone hushed, "I didn't know you were in love with someone, Kacchan." There's something in the way Izuku utters those words that makes Katsuki's guts contorting painfully as Izuku fixes him with a stare that's way too hard for him to hold.
"Uh well," Kirishima interjects, "I have a meeting so.. I gotta go. I'll catch you two later." And just like that he walks away as if he didn't just wreck chaos into Katsuki's life and turn it into a inferno.
Katsuki watches Kirishima leave until he's out of the door, making a mental note to remove him from the list of friends later. The bastard even had the courage to wink at him before disappearing from the cafeteria. Katsuki had no idea which kind of technique Kirishima used to flirt with someone of his interest, but if it involved winking then he'd be damn because he looked like a goddamn idiot.
Katsuki swallows a lump down his throat when Izuku places his tray on the table and sits next to him, bringing him back to the situation at end.
An awkward silence stirs between them before Izuku turns towards him, his back straight and his hands on his knees as he gives Katsuki a meaningful look.
"Kacchan!" He says serious, and Katsuki immediately mimics his posture, tension weighing on his shoulders. "We need to talk."
Katsuki was so fucked.
It's really a situation in which he had never thought of finding himself into. He doesn't even have the time to recollect his thoughts because Deku is staring at him so intensely that Katsuki almost feels his skin burning feverishly under his piercing glare. His eyes shift nervously and his hands tremble slightly. What was he going to say? That he had been in love with him for the past decade but never had the balls to tell him? It was such a sore move worthy of a loser, and Katsuki was no loser. He didn't want Deku to know about his feelings like this, this was the worst way possible. He can't even bring himself to look him in the eye but he knows Deku is still staring at him.
His heart skips a beat when Izuku speaks;
"I wished you'd tell me, Kacchan." Izuku says, disappointment lining his voice. His hands turn into fists on his knees, nails digging hard into his palms. "I didn't know that you..."
"Look, ok... I fucked up." Katsuki says before his brain can process the words coming out of his mouth. Seeing Deku look so confused and afflicted made his heart throb, and hurting him was not a path Katsuki wanted to undertake ever again. He'd rather suffer a rejection than watching Deku look like he was about to collapse at any moment because of a stupid lie.
"I should have told you... I just...," he pauses taking a moment to take in the situation. So this was it. Finally Deku knew about his feelings. He just couldn't believe they were finally at the turning point. Maybe the cafeteria was not the right place for a love confession, but Katsuki didn't want to miss any chances at this point. He just had to say it properly, out and loud just as Kirishima had told him. Deku had to know that he loved him, that he always had. He takes a big breath, oxygen filling his lungs, "I thought you wouldn't.., "
"I mean," Izuku cuts him off, eyes blight with slight discomfort, "I always tell you everything, you always know pretty much anything about me, so somehow I...," Izuku trails off, glancing quickly to the side before his eyes set firmly on Katsuki's again, "I expected you'd do the same."
"I didn't mean to hide it from you. I was just scared that you-"
"Why would you be scared, Kacchan?" Izuku cuts him short again, "Isn't it normal to share secrets between friends?"
"Uh? Excuse me?" Katsuki's throat goes dry.
"Yeah, like I understand you didn't wanna tell me because you probably thought I was too caught up in my romances and you didn't want to bother me with your relationship issues, but still Kacchan," Izuku squints his eyes shut for a second, before bending forward, way too close to Katsuki, a little pout curving on his lips, "I'd have preferred if you told me. Aren't we friends, after all?"
The words echo in his mind and Katsuki's mouth opens slightly, trying to articulate what he wants to say next but he's so taken aback that he just sits there looking at Deku with huge disbelieving eyes.
"Deku, what are you talking about?" Katsuki says after a moment, trying to recollect himself.
"Isn't it obvious? I'm talking about you thinking I was too busy to care about your love life issues." Izuku says, gesturing wildly with his hands, "You should know I'll always be there for you, Kacchan! I don't know the person you're in love with, but if you intend to confess then I'm sure your confession will go over well because you're amazing, Kacchan! And I don't think this person would have any reasons to reject you. I mean, it would be immensely stupid of them to do that but remember that whatever happens I'll always be rooting for you and..."
Mumbling, Deku was fucking mumbling. He was going so fast on a mumbling spree that Katsuki was not following anymore. Deku's next line of words fall deaf in his ears, and Katsuki's head spins uncontrollably, feeling although as the ground was missing from under his feet.
He should have known that Deku was the densest person in the whole fucking world, even Kirishima had told him. Hell, everyone knew, yet Katsuki had been so naïve to believe that Deku would easily catch on. That would have been a fucking, huge miracle. He had known Deku for ages. How could he have forgotten this peculiar yet bothersome trait of his. Midoriya fucking Deku dense Izuku that was what his full name should have been.
With a rapid roll of his eyes and a sharp click of his tongue, Katsuki inhales deeply before looking at Deku who is still speaking incoherently fast, words mixed together into a jumbled mess that he can barely understand. He was mumbling about something regarding trust and friendship now, because of course, those were the only words Katsuki could make out among that slanderous, fast speech. The nerd had stressed so much about those their entire lives that they were now stuck on his head like a loop on repeat. And suddenly Katsuki as if overwhelmed by an unknown feeling, he jerks his head back and starts laughing, loudly so. So loud that his laughter fills the whole cafeteria, catching the attention of the few people that were still having lunch. Izuku's mumbling suddenly comes to a halt, green eyes dubious and wandering on Katsuki's full laughing form immediately.
"Kacchan!? Are you ok?" Izuku says tentatively, stressing the words cautiously, eyes flickering in embarrassment around the cafeteria at the people watching them with curiosity. He wails his hands in front of him trying to get Katsuki to stifle his laughter but his childhood friend doesn't stop. "Kacchan, I really don't know what's so funny," Izuku says a little agitated now, "but people are watching."
Katsuki's laugh gradually dies down but does not come to an end completely. "I can't fucking believe this." He says, voice still slurred with laughter, noticing how Deku's face scrunches more into confusion. He looked like a lost, confused puppy, and Katsuki couldn't decide if he was just unbelievably flabbergasted at the turn of events or just straight out relieved that Deku hadn't catch on. "You are fucking unbelievable you know that?"
Izuku's eyes widen in dismay, both of his hands are entwined together on his lap, eyes cast downwards. "Kacchan, if you're angry because I didn't notice before, I'm sorry. It just didn't occur to me that you were in love with someone. You're always so aloof when it comes to dating, so I never thought you were interested in any of it at all but," he quickly darts his eyes up, meeting Katsuki's who's listening with his arms crossed and an expression Izuku can't decipher. "I'm here now. I'll always support you."
Katsuki lets out a loud snort, "Really?" He mocks. He couldn't believe how apologetic the nerd sounded, all of his steaming anger was quickly subsiding because Deku looked so hurt at the fact he didn't notice he had love troubles sooner. The whole situation was damn fucking hilarious in a way.
"Yes really!" Izuku replies, obviously missing Katsuki's mocking tone as he briefly looks around, relieved to see they averted the attention away from them. "So when are you going to confess to this person?" He says, turning to Katsuki again.
Katsuki has a hard time repressing a growl this time. "I fucking did, Deku."
"You did?" Izuku perks up on his seat, the revelation leaving him agape, "What did they say?"
Katsuki clenches his teeth in exasperation. "They obviously fucking brushed me off."
"WHAT?" Izuku abruptly stands up, knocking the chair over in the process, regaining the attention of the people in the cafeteria. "Why?" He asks flabbergasted, words coming out louder than he'd intended to.
"You tell me, Deku." Katsuki pins him with a glare, uncaring of the multiple stares pitched their way.
"It's their loss, Kacchan! They have made a big mistake. They'll regret it." Izuku says a little too loudly.
Katsuki didn't understand why Deku sounded so worked up as if he was the one being rejected, or why the tips of his ears had gone red, but it really didn't matter right now.
"Indeed a big mistake." Katsuki says with a sigh, anger deflating. He had been swayed into believing that Deku was sensitive enough to read between the lines. What a fucking joke.
"Yes, so I'm sure that if you talk with this person again they might-,"
Katsuki snorts for the umpteenth time, "Deku, we're not having this conversation here." He says rather harshly as he stands up and starts heading out of the cafeteria, hands in his pockets.
"Kacchan, wait!" Izuku calls him, alarm in his voice, but Katsuki doesn't wait, and Izuku is left there with a bitter taste in his mouth as he looks at Kacchan's retreating back until he's out of sight.
He sighs dejectedly, eyes fixed on the door where Kacchan had just left. What was this uneasy feeling? His stomach churns in guilt. How could he have not noticed that his childhood and best friend was going through such a hard time.
"Feelings are such a delicate matter." Izuku says to himself, hand clutching on his chest. He knew he had to do something to cheer up Kacchan. Despite of how absurd that sounded, because Izuku just couldn't wrap it in his head how someone could have refuse such a fearsome, brave hero like Kacchan, he knew rejections were never easy to get through. Izuku had plenty of experience about that, enough to know that it wasn't the best of course to pry into Kacchan's life. But Izuku would have always been there for him, at least to boost his morale, if nothing else. That was what friends were for. He just didn't understand why Kacchan would tell Kirishima first instead of him. Was he not a good friend, after all? The hand that was clutched on his chest tightens, and his mind goes where he least expects it.
"Kacchan is in love with someone." he murmurs to himself, the words are foreign on his tongue, bitter.
With another sigh, Izuku stands up, ready to get back to work, his tray of food remains untouched on the table. He definitely would talk to Kacchan again later, even if Kacchan didn't seem prone to it, Izuku was not one to give up. He considered himself his best friend so that was what Izuku was going to be. His best friend and confident ever.