EDITED
Being on the back of a flying air bison as they hurried through the night was a novel experience for Zuko. How often had he imagined himself this close to the Avatar and his pesky companions when he had been chasing them down over the past couple of months? He had never thought he would be this close...and yet,be on their side.
Of course, as often was the case with Zuko, he couldn't have everything good in his life all at once. He thought frustratedly of his Uncle. Why do I always chose the losing side?
This was something members of his family didn't do, after all. His grandfather Sozin would never have started a war without being sure he could win. That of course is why he used the comet that would eventually be named after him to exterminate the Airbenders. His grandfather knew the challenges he would face in his goals if the Avatar was alive to oppose him. He looked ahead to any potential minefields and made sure to dig them up before they were given the chance to explode.
Zuko had never possessed such an ability. Unlike Azula, he couldn't read people. He had no desire to weave his lies like rope around people until they tripped and became snared. He lacked the talent to get into his enemies heads and figure out their next step. He had only his determination and his constant failures to point him in the right direction, to help him figure out where he belonged.
That was the other reason he felt so strange on the back of this bison. Despite the fact that he had chosen the side that lost, despite the fact that the Avatar had been injured and his Uncle captured, despite all of this, Zuko felt more at peace than he had since his Mother had disappeared.
Not to confuse his peace with surety. No, Zuko was not at all sure of what he was doing. He did not know if the Avatar would manage to wake from his injuries and defeat his father in time to prevent him from dominating the world. Even if they managed to do all that, 100 years of war had left a scar on the world that he was not confident any leader would be able to heal.
Even though he was not sure of his decision, it was a decision Zuko felt proud of. It was a decision he had made without being moved like a pawn by the other members of his family. Turning against his Nation hurt him, but he consoled himself with the thought that he wanted to make his Nation, his home better. He wanted to make it so that people outside of the Fire Nation would view his homeland with respect and pride and not with fear. He wanted to make it so that this world would be easier to live in for everyone else, not just himself.
Maybe that's what set Zuko apart from his family. The other members of the Fire Nation Royal Family had no care for anyone else, and only saw the people of the other Nations who resisted as obstacles that would need to be overcome to accomplish their goals. Those obstacles were not people to them, most Fire Nation citizens did not see people who were missing their fathers and brothers, sisters and mothers. People who were missing stability and peace, and balance.
The warmongers his family had turned his Nation into knew nothing of people like Katara. In Katara was someone he had always seen as the enemy, she was a woman he could tell had more than her fair share of hate for the Fire Nation stored up. Zuko had never thought to question why, and had simply convinced himself that the insolent Waterbender would fall in line eventually, that she would appreciate the New World Order after he had captured the Avatar and the Fire Nation had successfully shared their culture and knowledge with the rest of the world.
The knowledge that her mother had been killed in cold blood in front of her, that it could have been her instead, had further affected his opinion of his nation.
Though he supposed his honor had been stripped from him so he should not be making judgements by any rights, there was no honor to him in killing innocent women, or threatening to kill innocent children. Killing civilians without mercy would only send the message of brutality and create senseless fear. There was no teaching and sharing in that. There was no honor in that.
Outside of the cave, once again facing the harsh reality of war and braving the cool night winds, Zuko's thoughts were much clearer. He remembered how he had felt being bullied and looked down upon in his family growing up because Azula was always better. He remembered how badly he had felt when his Grandfather or father yelled or hit him for his failures and tried to beat into him how a successful man and future ruler should act or Firebend, and how different it had felt when his Mother or Uncle took him gently under their wing and explained the same lesson to him. How different was his past to his Nation's war on the world right now? 100 years of fighting and senseless loss of life and his Nation might be winning but what did they have to show for it? War torn tribes and villages with only women and children because all the men had gone off to war? An entire part of the world's history and culture practically erased?
His thoughts brought Zuko's attention to the Avatar. Katara was still leaned over him trying to heal the damage, but she would be done soon. She didn't have much more water in her skin and she had drawn out as much of the bad, twisted energy and damage that she could.
She didn't voice these accomplishments out loud, but Zuko knew. He could sense this knowledge emanating from the coolness between them, traveling over the skin of her leg down to where his hand touched her skin.
As he had predicted, Katara pulled her tanned hand from Aang's wound a few moments later, leaning back with a small sigh. Zuko could feel the tension thrumming through her body, and was thinking hard about how he could make her feel better before he even realized it. It was a somewhat alien concept for him, having grown up a spoiled prince, everyone around him tasked with ensuring his own well-being. Once he was out from under his father's thumb, he had often tried to do good things for other people, and had his attempts thrown back in his face. Great, now I'm spending more time thinking about how to make her feel better than actually making her feel better!
He shook his head and sighed quietly to himself. What did Uncle always say? He would probably tell me I'm overthinking it, Zuko frowned. He chanced a glance at the Waterbender out of the corner of his eye, took a deep breath, and slipped his own pale hand into hers. Katara first looked up in surprise, but then visibly relaxed and gripped his hand back (checking to make sure the other Water Tribe warrior ─Sokka was it? He thought so─ wasn't looking first of course). He lost himself for a moment in the calming rhythm of her breathing, before he realized what he was doing. What's happening to me? He was afforded no more time to think on the subject.
"We need to find somewhere safe where I can heal Aang more," Katara said grimly. "Traveling will be too hard on him right now."
Thankfully, no one remarked on the despair in the Waterbender's voice. Anyone who knew Katara─and Zuko through their weird connection─ could hear the worry in her voice, her doubt that she had done a good job, her guilt at not being good enough. Zuko shook his head.
Do you have to be responsible for everything?
Katara glared at him out of the corner of her eye. He smirked as she frowned in concentration, unaware of the others watching and waiting for her to continue speaking.
Someone has to, she replied, no heat in her voice. She sounded exhausted, worn out, and far older than her 15 years.
They depend on her a lot, he realized easily, looking over the rest of the group. She's tired of being the positive one.
Zuko looked at Katara as she frowned harder, seemingly noticing the expecting gazes directed right at her. As she opened her mouth to speak, he made a split second decision and squeezed her leg under the cover of a shadow.
Maybe I can help? He ignored her immediate refusal, hand clenching tightly on his, and looked at her brother. Sokka, he said to himself.
"Look, there is no one worse to have after you than my sister. The first thing we should do is find a place to lay low as far from her as possible," he stated neutrally, "The Avatar will be okay as long as he can rest and we can protect him better if we rest ourselves."
Sokka seemed reluctant to admit he had a fair point, and even more reluctant to admit he had an idea.
At least I'm not the only one around here who wears my thoughts on my face.
Before he could open his mouth to debate this idea, the blind girl, a Bei Fong if the 'Princely' side of his brain remembered correctly, interrupted him.
"Why don't we just go see you and Sugar Queen's dad, Snoozles?" She asked matter-of-factly.
He rolled his eyes at the ridiculous nicknames, but managed a half-smile at Sokka's freak out at the bli-Toph's blatant lack of care for spilling vital information in front of the 'enemy'.
"Iㅡyou─Tophhhh!" He whined. She didn't give him a chance to keep going.
"Look Snoozles, it's clear that Hotstuff here is on our side. He protected Aang and Katara against his own sister for us! Do you think Aang will magically not need a Firebending teacher when he wakes up?!"
Zuko was just allowing himself to become slightly hurt over the fact that the group only wanted him there for his ability to Firebend, even though he was being ridiculous as they hadn't known him at all outside of the fact that he was chasing them own for the better part of the last couple of months, but Toph once again interrupted Sokka as he began to look indignant, thankfully bringing a halt to his little pity party.
"Besides, when I met his Uncle, I heard all about him. He had nothing but good things to say, Sparky here was all he talked about! And his Uncle sacrificed himself to save Katara and Aang, didn't he?"
This question was directed at him. Zuko didn't know how she knew, but he didn't dwell on it. He simply nodded, trying not to betray his true feelings on the matter. He might be a member of the 'Gaang' now, but that didn't mean he had to get involved in group therapy sessions! Next to him, Katara brushed her fingers against the hand on her leg.
Relax, they have every reason not to trust you. Now let me help you.
"Zuko's Uncle did save us, but Zuko had made up his mind before that," she announced. Zuko tried not to wince at Sokka's incredulous expression as he looked at Katara in wonder. How had she known that?
"It's true," Zuko volunteered, not letting Katara suffer all of Sokka's suspicion alone. "I know I've done a lot to you all," he glanced at Katara, "and I truly apologize for it. I want to right my wrongs, I want to help," I pleaded. Katara nodded furiously next to him.
"I trust him Sokka," she vowed seriously. Watching her vouch for him without hesitation when the only good things he had ever done for her had been in the past few hours cemented something deep inside of him. This easy acceptance that Katara afforded him, regardless of his past wrongdoings against her felt better than anything he had ever felt before. Silently, he vowed to try and be worthy of her acceptance, to make the right decisions to be worthy of her trust. Sokka of course, wasn't easily so trusting.
"Alright," he announced, "The Angry guy can stay if he can tell me right now, in his own words, exactly why he wants to be here."
Zuko opened his mouth to begin speaking─
"A-And Toph has to say if he's telling the truth!" Sokka yelled frantically.
They all turned at once to glare at him, then looked to Zuko.
Zuko hesitated, fearing being interrupted again and suddenly feeling nervous now that he had been given time to gather his thoughts. Never before had he had a reason to tell the full truth of this story to anyone, especially a bunch of people opposing the very culture that had led to his experience. Katara brushed her fingers against his own again softly.
I believe in you. I trust you. Tell them the truth and they will too.
Zuko nodded to himself inwardly and looked Sokka in the eye.
"When I was 13 years old," he began, "I begged my Uncle to bring me with him to a war meeting."
Sokka opened his mouth, presumably to yell something about how Zuko was proving his point that he was an incorrigible Fire Nation war monger, when Toph unceremoniously punched him in the gut, taking the wind out of him.
Nobody acknowledged Sokka's largely exaggerated hacking coughs as Zuko shot Toph a grateful glance, then continued his story.
"My Uncle finally relented and brought me with him one day. He made me promise to stay silent, to not speak out no matter what was said." He drew in a deep breath and licked his dry lips. "One of the last plans put forth were those of a general who wanted to use a whole battalion of fresh recruits as a distraction, cannon fodder basically, to allow a smaller, more skilled battalion to sneak up behind the enemy and finish them."
They were all silent. Katara, having a front row seat to the turbulence of Zuko's thoughts, was listening most rapturously, with a very bad feeling that there was no happy ending to this story.
Zuko took another deep breath as he adopted an almost pleading tone, begging them to understand the mistake that had cost him his home.
"I couldn't stay silent. All those soldiers, they had families, and jobs and homes to return to! They were our people, we were meant to keep them safe!"
"My father was furious, I could tell. He told me I would fight an Agni Kai for my disrespect, a fire duel to the death. I agreed, I thought I could take the General, as he was old. I was a prince." He smiled cynically.
"When I got to the stadium, I didn't see Father in the stands anywhere. I went to the center to face my opponent standing with his back to me, ready to fight this man for my life."
The dread on the Gaang's faces were more than apparent. They could not believe the story would go the way logic was taking it. Could a father really have burned his own son so badly in combat?
"Because I spoke out in my Father's war meeting, in my Father's throne room, it was my Father I had disrespected, and my Father I was going to fight. But I couldn't do it. The moment I saw him I fell to my knees, begging his forgiveness." He shook his head, as if trying to will the memories away. "I couldn't fight him. He was my Father!"
The Gaang was silent.
"He said that refusing to fight was dishonorable. He told me to stop cowering, stop crying. And then," Zuko paused, then breathed deeply again, "and then he burned my face."
You will learn respect, and pain will be your teacher.
"When I woke up, my Uncle was beside me. Father had left a note saying I was banished. I was to be given a ship and small crew, I was to find and capture the Avatar, or I would never regain my honor. I could never come home."
For a long while, no one said anything. Then Zuko continued to speak, thoughts that he had never breathed life into and spoken out loud pouring out of him.
"I used to think my banishment was the worst thing to ever happen to me. But now, I think it kind of opened my eyes." Everyone looked shocked, and he rushed to explain.
"In the Fire Nation, we are taught that this war is our way of spreading our culture, knowledge and intelligence to the other nations. We are taught that they are useless without us, that they need us and accept us."
The group sat silent at the thought that some of the soldiers they were fighting had been brainwashed to think they were actually helping them.
"Before my banishment, I had never left the Fire Nation. I had no reason to believe this was not true. I was not prepared to be faced with hatred and fear everywhere I went, and I can admit I often made my circumstances worse because I was so angry about it."
Then, for the first time out loud, the Fire Nation Prince acknowledged exactly what he knew he had to do.
"I've been through a lot in the last few years, and it's been hard. But I'm realizing that I had to go through all those things to learn the truth. I thought I had lost my honor, and that somehow my father could return it to me. But I know now that no one can give you your honor. It's something you earn for yourself, by choosing to do what's right." He looked seriously over the rest of the Gaang. "All I want to do now, is play my part in ending this war, and I know my destiny is to help you restore balance to the world."
The Gaang looked startled by his outburst, but Zuko only had eyes for Katara. Her blue eyes were shining.
Maybe this was the apology and explanation she needed to let go of her hatred of the Fire Nation for good.
He did not want to admit why that thought gave him such hope for the future, a future that had Katara in it. He focused back on the group instead.
"I need to join your group to accomplish all of those things. Will you let me?"
Sokka stared at him for a moment, then he extended his arm to grip the top of Zuko's in typical Water Tribe fashion.
"We're going to Chameleon Bay. We might have to capture a Fire Nation ship. Ya think you can help with that?"
Zuko grinned.
ZutaraZutaraZutaraZutaraZutaraZutaraZutara
Author's Note:This has been edited. Original Author's note below.
This chapter...it got out of control. It is a monster. The Zuko in my head kept talking so I kept writing. I can't believe this is this long. Why aren't term papers this easy to write?
On Zuko's decision: though he was a lot more fragmented in the show, I think this was because Zuko was missing an outside influence not associated with the Fire Nation that he felt he could truly vent to. Even though Uncle was Uncle, he was still the Dragon of the West, and I think even though Zuko must of at least had a hint of where his Uncle's loyalty truly lay, it might still be a difficult thing to say out loud that you are feeling disillusioned with your home country. To be clear thought, the deciding factor here is really the bond between Zuko and Katara. It really is a powerful thing to tell someone that you trust and believe in them, especially without cause, and with the bond to be sure Katara is telling the truth and to amplify those positive feelings, this bond would certainly be something love and affection starved Zuko would chase.
I was originally afraid of starting this story concept with the Caves because I was afraid of this gap. There's very little info in the show about what was happening in this time, and nothing about the way the group blended with the warriors in the day to day. I hope I am able to do justice to them and kind of get this story moving a little faster. I did not know the characters would have so much fucking stuff to say!