(Chapter Title: Orchid's Breaking Vigil

Category: Fanfiction [again, are you sure you're not lost?]

Rating: M… duh, I'll try not to make it MA; generally, but at this moment, it's still T. (Due to the current proceedings.)

Character/s: Kudou Shin'ichi | Edogawa Conan, Mouri Ran, Kudou Yukiko, Kudou Yuusaku, Miyano Shiho | Haibara Ai, Agasa Hiroshi.

Genres: Angst, Hurt/Comfort.

Ship/s: (Deadend)ShinRan

Implemented Headcanons: Ran doesn't wait for Shin'ichi. There is no antidote for APTX.

Warnings:

I'm the author… when I see a pretty, perfect thing. I wanna keep it… soon enough, I wanna see how it would look tainted with filth, ink, marks, bruises, dents, cracks, holes, and eventually actually breaking damage.

Read responsibly.

Oh, and to avoid future confusion, Crimson Arc did happen, but there was no news outbreak on "Kudou Shin'ichi solving the case" thing, it was dealt with. My edit is that Shin'ichi had worn a hoodie version of his jersey and kept it on-especially when outside. His parents are more involved by monitoring whatever rumors of Shin'ichi being alive coming out and getting rid of those as soon as possible before it can spread.

Also the paragraph after the first ellipses —which serves as a linebreak (…) these cute guys— takes place two weeks after Crimson Arc.

But anyways… as always enjoy.)

|欄の崩れいている通夜 |

"This means we're dating, right?"

"Idiot. Of course, we're dating."

…

Ran purses her lips together, brows furrowed, hands clenched around her phone—mindful not to accidentally put too much force on it and break it. Eyeing the time that displayed the time, anxiety and worry building up in her. Pressing her back flat on her bedroom wall, she ignores the stinging prick of tears threatening to well up in her eyes, slightly blurring the texts.

23:56…

Shin'ichi had mailed her that he was involved in a troubling case and not to call. Again.

And he hasn't retracted that claim for almost a week now.

She doesn't quite stop the high pitched sob, as she buried her face in her arms, knees pulled to her chest.

.-.

Outside of the room, Conan leans on the wall next to her door, biting his lower lip in guilty frustration.

…

Months passed since their school trip, and with it went the day she and Shin'ichi officially started dating—as officially it can be, considering how they mostly only kept to minimized phone calls and exchange of messages. Well, until Shin'ichi suddenly told her not to contact him two weeks later. He had mailed her again almost a week and a half after; saying that it was okay to text but not calls—though he couldn't assure her if he could reply immediately.

She had invited him to another date, even just to catch up with one another. Just to talk to him, personally look at him—get a proper feel of his well-being, without their phones as their communication medium. But of course—

Shin'ichi's late…

Shivering, she lets out a stuttering breath, the late afternoon's chill seeping into her winter coat—though she is still dressed lightly as winter hasn't actually started yet. Looking up at the greyish blue skies, she wipes the beading tears, blinking them back.

She did instigate and invite him to the date, telling him to meet her at a park that she'll wait for him for an hour—just in case he stumbles on another case on the way. Unwilling to look at her phone for his response—that he hasn't even sent yet.

Leaning on the post she looks around the near isolated park, enthusiasm already drained.

She lets a tear trickle down the side of her face, eyeing as the snow slowly float down from the skies as if crying with her.

It's been two hours.

(She only went home when Conan came to get her with a spare umbrella, a sympathetic and apologetic look on his face. His face was flushed red though—like he too waited outside for someone that didn't show up, but Shin'ichi not showing up wasn't his fault.

So, she dries her tears, and smiles at him, asking what he wanted for dinner. Thankful for the boy's observant kindness that lets the cracking tone in her voice slide.

Conan truly is a good boy.)

…

Ran pulls the coat around her, whether to fight the winter chill or to comfort herself from another failed date—one Shin'ichi didn't show up for again. She walks down the sidewalk, away from the café—making a mental list of the available ingredients at home and what to cook if Conan and her father haven't eaten yet.

The faux leather of her shoulder bag made a protesting creak when she tightened her hand around it, only to freeze when she feels a familiar presence step into her space. Looking up, complaints of tardiness, relief, and a bit of frustration ready to explode, only for it to drain away when she didn't have to tilt her head up as high as she expected.

She is briefly ashamed and guilty of herself for being disappointed when Conan greets her with a soft apologetic smile, once again his nose and cheeks reddened from the cold.

And it hits her, Conan had waited with her for Shin'ichi outside of the café.

With a grateful smile, she extends her hand for her little brother, someone she can easily console with, to take—walking home together.

She doesn't quite stop the tears the broke free and streamed down her cheeks, a near silent sob escaping her. Conan's hand tightened around hers.

(She cries that night, Conan embracing her and letting her soak his shirt. Patting the back of her head and rubbing her back.

She makes it up to him by making his favorite for breakfast the next day. Her father thankfully silent and letting them do as they want without much complaint—if the pat and ruffle on Conan's head was any indication when he thought she wasn't looking said he was grateful to Conan too.

None of them saw the rueful look on the boy's face.)

…

Ran heaves a shuddering—akin to dying (hope)—breath as she flips Shin'ichi's picture down on the table. Drained and exhausted. She had stayed, kept herself safe and waited. But he never came; not for home, not for school, not for dates, not for her birthday, not even when she needed him—appeasing gifts, peace offerings and phone calls hardly count. Not when she doesn't know what he's actually doing, how he's doing.

If he's eating right, sleeping well, safe or injured. Is he sick? In a hospital? Out with his new friends?

It was always cases—only they're a passing remark, no details or ramblings as to what happened; one he used to do, and she never knows what happened to them. What happened to him. He never tells her anything these days, just telling her not to worry, when she can call—when she shouldn't, awfully secretive.

Now, Sonoko's teasing of future husband concepts makes her uneasy, uncertain and anxious. Her teasing of affairs doesn't even make her feel embarrassed, just a light jab or feel certain because she knows Shin'ichi doesn't really pay any mind to others. Acknowledges beauty, yes, but he never makes a move. She had always held a special place in his heart.

—But he has changed.

It was slow, but surely it happened. She finally noticed how much he changed since his absence.

She misses him…

She's worried, anxious, tired, and frustrated. She had last seen him since their trip to Kyoto—and they weren't even remotely alone then. Not to mention he disappeared without even a proper goodbye and in the middle of their talk no less, for another case.

That was the only thing he could apparently think of these days.

No time for home, no time for school, no time for Ran.

And the ugly jealousy has reared its head, and she has been waiting for far too long that they are even in their third year already. The teachers had told her that due to certain circumstances, Shin'ichi had switched to the home-school program of their system as arranged by his parents.

She had called them, worried if something serious had happened; for Shin'ichi to not be able to take their normal classes—even worse than traveling and busy with cases, because they were also requested again to keep it quiet. Only to be told that Shin'ichi's the only one with the right to tell her.

Shin'ichi who hasn't even talked about himself, always just asking for her, but never about him. The exact opposite of what used to happen.

Shin'ichi had been so damn secretive lately—she didn't even know what was going through his head anymore. Even Conan and Hattori know him better, somehow, people they just met and—

She couldn't think like that she cannot paint them in a bad way, just because she's jealous that Shin'ichi has found some new friends. (Not to mention that he must have made a lot of them on these strings of cases, and she doesn't even know if he likes some of them or not.)

n a sense Hattori and Shin'ichi were like brothers when it comes to their passion, and Conan-kun, sweet, little intelligent Conan-kun has always been the sweet little brother that looks up to the jerk that is Shin'ichi.

A hitched breath, a choked sob and she felt herself drop, knees buckling unable to hold herself up anymore. Because, this relationship, whatever this is with Shin'ichi is unhealthy.

It is now hitting her just how much had changed between them. Seen how, despite the obvious fond and warmth Shin'ichi has when he talks to her on the phone, it held a certain tone that made her heart sink. Seeing a pair of twins interact the exact same way she and Shin'ichi did was the final hammer in the nail.

Shin'ichi didn't actually see her as a lover. He saw her as a family, a sister that he would spoil beyond belief. And he still loves her…

But…

But, why do Hattori and Conan seem closer to him these days? She was here first! Especially if Shin'ichi saw her as a sister—even if he doesn't know it, he should at least tell her, whatever it is that he told Hattori. Or talk to her as frequently, because Hattori knows him better, talks frequently with him—and likely meet up with him—these days.

When she doesn't even see much of him these days, in fact, she hasn't even seen him for half a year now.

With a cut off sob and a couple of shuddering breathes, she pulls her phone out—a gift from Shin'ichi. She'll ask Sonoko to buy her a new one, she'll pay her back… she just doesn't think she can look at the phone without thinking of him. But for now…

This is it… this will be the last call…

A few presses on the buttons and the caller is dialing.

Until she personally sees him again, constantly after a while… until then, she doesn't think she can—

A click and the call goes through…

"Ran? What is it?" Shin'ichi answers, and she nearly cries right then and there, because she hasn't heard his voice in months. Because he had just gotten off a hard case that—or so he says, so before she could back herself out of it. She wills herself to speak.

"Ran?"

"Shi-Shin'ichi…" she breathes, and she can't stop the hitched sob either and reprimands herself for it. Her eyes sting, with a familiar burn that she has been feeling lately.

"Ran? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you—" he sounds alarmed, and she is ashamed at the pleased feeling that warms through her at his concern because she is still important for him to be this worried. But she shoves that off for now.

"I-I…"

"Ran?"

"I can't do this anymore…" "

Ran… what do you—"

"I can't… you're never there anymore."

"What… Ran I—" and he cuts himself off, audibly choking. But she speaks—she had envisioned herself yelling, venting, but her voice is surprisingly soft, cracking.

"You aren't even going to school, I heard. Yukiko-san and Yuusaku-san told me to ask you, but you aren't even going to tell me anything, are you?"

"Ran…"

"Don't lie to me… you haven't been telling me anything as of late. Always case this, case that… just how stupid do you think I am? It can't be that hard, can it? Cases don't happen one after another, is there another reason why you can't return?"

"I…"

"There is, isn't there?! But you're not going to tell me, anyway."

"…"

"I can't do this anymore… I'm sorry… but, if you had gone earlier I would've told you personally. We could have talked it over, but… I'm sorry. I don't think this is going to work out between us."

"I'm sorry too…"

"Do you even have a case at all?"

"Ran," he breathes, "I swear. If I could, I would come back to you. You know that, right?" Ran nearly laughs hysterically, because Shin'ichi had always been a bad liar, he hadn't lied, but he hadn't answered her question either.

God, she misses him…

(And she wants to believe him too, and maybe someday she will, but she can't, not right now.)

"No… Shin'ichi… we're over. I'm sorry, but this isn't healthy. For both of us. I can't…"

"Ran… I… Okay. I'm sorry."

"We're still friends, Shin'ichi… just not yet, okay? I'm afraid, I'll try to hit you if you show up now… just… until I'm okay, okay?"

"Yeah… I'm really sorry, Ran. It's not you, it's not your fault." Ran can't stop the fond smile that grew on her face. Trust Shin'ichi to comfort her, even when she's the one hurting him, breaking up with him.

"Yeah…" and she wonders if Shin'ichi would be okay if she pursued other relationships.

"Ra-Ran? If-if… you want to date someone else if you find someone who can make you truly happy… you can, I won't stop you. Just make sure they won't hurt you like I did?" as expected of the Detective Geek, some things just doesn't change.

(But he did, she did.)

"Yeah… I will… thank you… I feel the same way you know that right?" she highly doubts he believes that though. But he's a genius, he'll figure it out—when he finds someone else...

"R-right…"

"Bye…"

"Take care of yourself, Ran."

"You too, Shin'ichi." she's the one to hang up because it was taking him too long to do so, she's not willing to let him hear her crying.

For once, she is glad that Conan stayed over the Professor's, her dad downstairs in the agency still watching Yōko, because she doesn't think she can handle it if she faces one of them right now. Especially, Conan-kun, a splitting image of Shin'ichi.

Right now, she's a mess, puffy and red-eyed, judging from the sore swollen feeling around her eyes, and the tears streaming down her cheeks. High pitched sobs tearing itself out of her mouth, feeling as if she'd just wrung her heart out, but at the same time, it also felt as if a heavy weight just lifted itself off her shoulders. Right now, she can't face them.

But tomorrow, tomorrow, she will greet Conan with a smile, her father with an exasperated, fond glare—a hidden amused smile as he complains of a headache. Greet them with a meal she just cooked. Greet the world with a new, freer Mouri Ran, ready for the future.

But until then, for now, she'll grieve for the loss of a lover, wait for the return of her absentee childhood friend and brother.

And when she's over it, she'll try and properly move on, pursue a serious relationship.

Until then, she'll cry her heart out.

And hopes that Shin'ichi—knowing him—could vent it out to his heart's content.

…

Conan had already seen this coming, he had expected it—and he knew he couldn't let it happen when he was in the same household as her. Not only would Ran not make a move, but he doubts he could keep still, without doing anything. Right now, he just wanted to kick soccer balls, pulverized something (preferably someone named; Kudou Shin'ichi), get it out of his system without trying to scream.

So, he ignores the frozen stature of his parents, of Haibara and the Professor around the corner.

"Shin-chan…"

"I'm fine." He says immediately because if his mother were to speak right now, he doesn't think he can hold it in anymore. "I'm fine…" he says again, and he's not sure who he's trying to convince here.

He hears his father take a step forward, including Haibara—both about to speak, but he can't, because they don't—wouldn't understand this, not yet… and he wishes, not ever.

"Don't… I'll be fine." He says again, looking at them, and he could see their torn, concerned faces.

It's overwhelming.

So he turns on his heel and rushes to the front door, toeing in his high-powered shoes.

"Kudou-kun!" Haibara chokes out, voice high pitched; worried and laced with guilt. And he feels rising within him, part of him wanting to hiss, sneer—to blame her, but he squashes the thought. Because it wasn't her that told him to chase after Gin and Vodka on that day, it wasn't her fault that he followed them and let his guard down. She may have created the drug, but it wasn't her that fed it to him.

It wasn't her that lied to Ran, it's not even the Professor's fault.

It's his.

Like Ran had always warned him of, he got it way over his head.

"Shin'ichi!" his father calls him, but he kicks into the shoes, and hurriedly grabs his skateboard, wallet, and he's rushing to grab the knob. Turning it.

"I'll be right back." he manages to say without a crack in his tone, and he's swinging the door open, sprinting for the gate, dropping the skateboard on the ground as soon as he got it open. He ignores his family's calls, getting on and stepping on the switch to speed off, and away from the residence.

He needed a place of silence. Away from here. A place where he could break, where there wouldn't be anyone to inconvenience him nor him them.

He feels his eyes burn and he convinces himself it's because of the harsh, cold night wind that slapped on his face and eyes. Ignoring the fact that his vision blurred on the edges.

Knowing that it would be too dangerous, especially if he runs into a speeding vehicle, he makes a few turns for a park he knew would be isolated at this time, a park Beikan's rarely go to. Because it was quite out there; near the train tracks and border separating Beika and Ekoda.

Entering the silent park—only surrounded by closed business offices, he shudders—remembering that he hadn't grabbed his coat, but ignores that in favor of eyeing the tall trees, dispensing a soccer ball, with a sharp exhale and yell, he kicks it as hard as he could to a tree. (Thankful that the Professor had extended its inflated duration.)

Satisfaction filling his nerves at the answering thump and echo of the ball hitting a solid surface. It bounces off the ground and back towards him, and he kicks it again, as hard as he could back to the tree.

And again, and again, and again.

It deflates after a few minutes, and he dispenses another ball again, kicking it, again and again. Over and over.

Rinse and repeat.

He had lost count by then, adrenaline keeping him warm enough—though the outside of his skin still felt cool, almost like burning ice, but he heaves a sigh. He was about to kick the ball again, glaring at the tree—

"What are you doing out here this late, Tantei-kun?"

|End|

(Want a confession? I already had this chapter pre-prepared.

As I said, I'm worse than ever.

There are purposely vague bits, and well, some loopholes, but I'm looking forward to how you guys will receive that.

Until the next chapter~ Adieu.

— DescriptivePessimism-DAA)