chapter warnings
no spoilers, safe for work, long read, infidelity
He had a recurring nightmare that only happened whenever he was leaving the campus to go back to New York.
It's night time, and he's back in Riverside. The house is empty and pitch black. The only way he can make his way through the home is with his hands. Harvey follows the hallways with one hand dragging against the rough walls and the other awkwardly stuck out in front of him, to protect him from crashing face first into a cabinet. He sees the faint outlines of people in the family photos thanks to the dim light of the moon. His face is always scratched out in the photos, but he never can understand why. Harvey's dream self, after spending some time looking at the family photos, walks aimlessly until he reaches the stairwell which leads up to the bedrooms.
He always, without fail, stops at the stairs. He looks left and right, as if someone else is making the decision for him to go up the stairs. There's nothing harmless up there, and yet his dream version is so hesitant.
Eventually, after some inner reflection, Harvey climbs up the stairs and goes to his bedroom. He opens the door and sees the same thing every single time.
Lily, his mother, lays in his bed. She is presumably naked, because there is a sheet covering her body and there is no fabric which rests on her shoulders. As he passes the threshold, Bobby, her lover, comes into view. He's on Harvey's bed and under the covers too, with his arm around Lily's shoulder. It's obvious they were doing something indecent on his bed. He smiles perversely, as if he's happy that Harvey has caught them in the act once again.
"Hey Sport," Bobby jeers. "Lily's a better lay compared to my last bitch."
Harvey is always offended by his mother being compared to a bitch- but he never fights back. He just stands there and takes the blows.
"What, you're not going to run to daddy? Tell him how Bobby's been fucking his whore?"
"When your daddy finds out you knew all this time, he'll never trust you again."
It goes on for what seems like an eternity, but it only ends when his mother finally speaks up, after cozying closer to her lover. It's like hearing her son be put down excites her.
"You're disgusting," she always laughs, in that ugly, derisive tone she uses whenever he threatens to tell Gordon about the affair. "You don't care about your dad, you care about yourself. I tell you that you'll break up the family if you tell, but that's not the reason why you don't. You're hiding it because you're afraid of feeling alone. Face it, sweetheart. You are alone. No more Donna to crawl to, no mommy to cry to, and no real family to come home to."
When Lily begins to speak, the ground starts to crumble. It always starts slow, but as her words come to an end, there is a gaping hole and Harvey is at the edge. Once she stops talking, he drops down into the dark hole, into nothingness.
Once he starts to fall, he wakes up just like every other time. Tonight was no exception. He woke up, drenched in a cold sweat and his heart thumped like it was trying to break out of his chest. Following the normal routine that he had set for these types of nightmares, Harvey kicked off the blanket and went to the bathroom to wash his face.
After splashing cold water onto his face, Harvey brushed his teeth, and then spent a few minutes looking into the mirror. Coward , he told himself, before drying off his face and heading back into his dorm.
Due to his bed being soaked with sweat, he never went back to sleep on these types of nights. He took a quick glance at the clock- it was four in the morning. It was always around four that these nightmares would wake him up. With a soft sigh, he peeled off the bedsheets and tossed them into a hamper along with his sweat-stained t-shirt and boxers. He changed into a hoodie and sweatpants, grabbed his MP3 player, picked up the hamper, and went for a run to the laundromat to clean his belongings.
Every time after his New York nightmare ritual, Harvey would return back to his dorm, pack his bag, and head out to catch his flight to go home. This time was no different.
Exiting the cab, Harvey stared at the front of his house from the driveway as the taxi sped away. Too late to go back now, he thought.
Whenever he stood in front of his house after being away for a long time, he felt like the building loomed over him. His mother had violated his sanctuary, and now it was nothing more to him than an evil stack of bricks which held a monster and her unfortunate victims.
He begrudgingly grabbed his bag from where he dumped it on the ground and headed into the beast's lair.
Before he could even catch his breath, the moment he unlocked the door and took a step into the house, he noticed Bobby walking down the stairs. What a great way to be welcomed home. It wasn't like he just had a nightmare about the same thing happening just a few hours before.
His mother's lover made eye contact with him. He hadn't even gotten a chance to shut the door yet. Anger shot through his veins.
"Are you kidding me?" the brunet growled, "You know I'm coming home today. The least you can do is fuck somewhere else."
He turned to leave, but he was interrupted by his mother's voice yelling his name. Frustrated, he turned back around.
"Harvey!" she called, as she pushed past Bobby to make her way down the stairs, "Welcome home." She opened her arms and approached him for a hug.
Immediately, Harvey stepped backwards, out of his house and into the driveway. He didn't want that monster touching him.
"Really warm welcome you have for me," he spat, "Bringing Bobby over. You gonna tell me he's my new dad now?"
Hurt, Lily began, "Come o-"
He cut her off.
"Don't 'come on' me," he said bitterly, "I'm not coming home 'til dinner."
Not giving her a chance to make up any more excuses, he walked away. He slung his bag over his shoulder and grabbed his bicycle from the garage. He'd go somewhere else. Where? He didn't know, but anywhere was better than here.
He mindlessly rode down the sidewalks, and before he knew it, he was in front of Donna's house. He felt like he was sixteen again, and he was just finding out about his mother's affair.
At the thought, his chest tightened, squeezing every terrible memory from that day back into his mind. He had snapped at Donna even though she was trying to comfort him. Perhaps, he thought, this holiday he would try to make things right.
Despite having the key to the Paulsen household, Harvey figured that it would be rude to barge in so suddenly, considering he had not visited the house since the summer. Donna might not even be in the house- she did have her own apartment in the city, after all. Whatever the case may be, the brunet just needed a place to crash until dinner. So, he knocked a few times on the door.
After a moment, he heard shuffling and then the door opened. There stood Jennifer, Donna's mother, smiling brightly as always. The strawberry blonde woman and her redheaded daughter had so many resemblances, from their beautiful smiles to their striking heights.
"Harvey!" Mrs. Paulsen gasped, surprised at the boy's visit, "What are you doing here? Should I call Donna? She's coming over tomorrow bu-"
He interrupted her with a laugh. "It's fine, Jennifer," he nodded, peering over her shoulder to look into the house. It still looked the same after all these years. "I just wanted to drop by and say hi. Can I come in?"
The blonde nodded happily and stepped away from the door, opening it more to welcome her unexpected guest. Harvey had grown taller, more muscular, and handsome, she thought. Even though she had secretly wished that Harvey and Donna got together when they were younger, now was an even better time to.
Quickly, Jennifer went to the kitchen to grab Harvey some snacks while he helped himself to sitting down on the couch. Secretly, Donna's mom always bought Oreos in hopes that two children would visit her more often. Harvey answered those prayers this one time. She brought them over to the Harvard student in a nice little tray, the same tray she used back when they were neighbors and the two kids would drop by the house for snacks.
"You kept it," he laughed, as she handed him the set. She nodded as he eagerly popped a cookie in his mouth and hummed in pleasure. It had been awhile since he had one of them. Unlike the other Harvard students, who could afford to go out every night and get absolutely hammered, Harvey was stuck in his dorm getting high on cheap weed with his dorm mates and snacking on stale potato chips maybe once a month. It was nice having your schooling paid for, but an allowance would be nice too. For meals, he usually stuck to a chicken salad he had mastered, but if money was good that month from tutoring his peers, he would splurge on burgers that he'd make for himself and friends.
After a brief silence, because Harvey was far too indulged with the Oreos, Mrs. Paulsen spoke up.
"What's wrong, Harvey?" she asked, her head tilting slightly as she looked at the boy. Like mother like daughter, their weird ability to read people seemed to be genetic. It was clear on Harvey's face (although Harvey was easier to read than most people) that he was stressed.
"Nothing," the brunet muttered, looking down at the empty snack tray for a brief moment. He squirmed in his seat, clearly uncomfortable that Mrs. Paulsen asked a question he knew she wouldn't want the answer to. After all, would anyone like to know their best friend was a dirty cheater?
Jennifer sighed and she stood up to place a gentle hand on his shoulder, providing him a small comfort. "It's fine if you don't want to talk about it with me," she sighed, rubbing his shoulder, "Donna will be here tomorrow. Why don't you drop by then? You're always welcome to stay in your old room tonight, I still clean the sheets."
My God, Harvey thought, This woman is a saint.
He gave her a small smile and shook his head sadly, "I have to go back for dinner, but maybe I'll sleep over tomorrow. Thanks, Jennifer."
The two hugged and Harvey went back to face reality.
Parking his bicycle at the side of the garage, Harvey reluctantly made his way into the house. There was chatter coming from the kitchen, and the unsettling feeling in his chest sank. It felt like he was coming home to a family.
Dumping his overnight bag by the coat rack, Harvey walked into the kitchen and saw the whole family sitting around the dining room table, laughing. He felt like he was home. He could forgive his mother for a minute and forget what she had done.
"Hey, Harvey!" Gordon cheered, "Welcome home!" The rest of the family clapped. It seemed like his mother didn't reveal the earlier visit he had made.
Harvey grinned from ear to ear as he took his spot at the dinner table. Lily had made his favorite: chicken parmesan. Maybe this house was alright after all.
"What's up, douche nugget?" Marcus, his younger brother, laughed as he punched the older in the shoulder. "Got any cool Harvard hookups?"
The brunet rolled his eyes, "Shut up, dumbass. Pass the sauce."
His brother snorted and passed the bowl, and the four caught up on what Harvey had missed.
"...so yeah, I'm getting a Mustang today," Marcus said, ending his story about how he totaled his crappy old scrap of a car. The family laughed as Harvey looked around, noticing everyone had finished their dessert. He took up his old responsibility of cleaning up and went to grab everyone's plates, but his mother tried to stop him.
She touched his hand, and he resisted the urge to drop the plate and pull back. He put aside his anger, but it didn't change the fact that it was still there.
"Oh come on, sweetheart, you just got here! You don't have to do the dishes," she smiled, trying to take the plates away.
He shook his head and continued to pick up the dishes. "I'll do them," he said with determination. He took them to the sink and immediately began to wash them, while his brother got up and went to the window by the front entrance.
"Hey, my car is here!" He shouted, garnering the attention of his father, making Gordon get up to grab the door for the guest. Harvey finished cleaning dishes, and walked over to the door with a dish and towel in hand, to see the new car.
Before he could even step out of the kitchen, he saw the car's owner walk into the house. Everything seemed to slow, and a lump formed in his throat. He was going to vomit.
"Hello Bobby," his father said, as Harvey's eyes began to water. "You remember Harvey, don't you?"
"Of course I do," Bobby laughed with a wave, "How do you do, Sport?"
As if something inside of him malfunctioned, Harvey was struck with a dizzying sensation. His grip on the dinner plate was released, and it shattered on the floor into small fragments.
"Harvey!" Gordon yelled, approaching his son, "Why'd you drop the plate?"
He could not speak. The lump in his throat seemed to be traveling upwards, and if he didn't get out, he would burst. He frantically pushed past his father, Marcus, and Bobby to run out of the house and towards town. His father ran out of the house too, yelling at him as the boy broke into a sprint, away from the house.
"One two, one two!" The boxing coach commanded as Harvey punched the pads. He had gone to the only other place he considered safe: the boxing club.
He had been going here since he was a little kid, when his father forced him to learn how to throw punches and take them. He had told Harvey that it was a man eats man world, and that he needed to protect himself some way or another- boxing was one of those ways.
When he arrived at the club, he had vomited. He spent a horrible amount of time dry heaving into the toilet before his dinner decided to come up. Now, he was doing what his father had taught him- protecting himself. Only, he wasn't protecting himself from a person, rather, he was protecting himself from admitting the truth to his father. Living with the guilt was unbearable, and even though it wasn't Harvey's fault that his mother decided to be a cheater, he felt like he enabled her to do so.
He continued to spar the boxing coach until his father interrupted them.
"Marty," Gordon said, gesturing for the man to leave the ring, "Let the old man box with his son, will ya?"
The feeling in Harvey's throat came back, and he felt lightheaded. What was his father doing here? Marty left the ring and his father replaced him. The boy looked away, in an attempt to blow off nausea and avoid humiliation.
Gordon approached the boy, hitting his gloves together in a threatening manner.
"Dad-" Harvey began, before being interrupted by his father's punch.
He blocked, with little effort, but quickly realized that his father was angry. Although he had every right to be, the emotions which piled up on Harvey's back were too much to carry. His father's disappointment broke him down.
"You disrespected me," Gordon grunted, as he tried to land a hit on his son, "In my house!"
Although he always respected his father's words, the claim was a shock to him. Harvey only left to protect Gordon, and yet, here Gordon was, stomping on his gesture.
"You don't understand," the son argued, countering his father's hits, "I'm helping you."
"No, you're disrespecting me, Harvey! What happened to my son?"
What happened to your son? the brunet thought, Your son is here, protecting you! Anger seared through his veins; how was he supposed to be the one to blame for his mother's indecency?
"I disrespected you?" Harvey spat, "She's the one who's making me do this- she's the one who sleeps with other people in your bed!"
As the words left his mouth, Harvey felt everything crash down on his shoulders. The carelessness of his actions, letting his anger and disgust get to him, had hurt the man he respected most.
His father stepped back from him, looking hurt and confused.
A wave of nausea overcame over the boy. He tried to make it right, by taking it back.
"Dad, I...I was just saying that to-"
"No you weren't," his father muttered, "What do you mean, she was sleeping with other people? Who is she ?"
Before Harvey could have a chance to respond, the older Specter closed in on him, grabbing him by his shirt collar. "Tell me!"
The ground was crumbling underneath Harvey. Everything he had done to prevent this had failed due to his brashness. He heard the echoes of his dream, his mother calling him a coward, only hiding it from his father to protect himself. Was she wrong? He knew what would happen if he told the truth- this was what was happening, this was what he was afraid of.
"Mom...It's mom. She doesn't love you," He admitted, with his voice barely above a whisper. His world was falling apart, and all he wanted to do was disappear. Sensing his father's grip weaken on his shirt, he pushed his father off, and Gordon fell to the boxing ring floor.
He looked at the man below him, so foolish and trusting.
"She's been cheating on you," he mumbled, "Right under your nose."
The next day, Harvey left the house. He no longer felt welcomed in his own home. Lily hailed a taxi to her parents' house in Tribeca, Marcus accused Harvey of being the real home wrecker, and Gordon refused to leave his room ever since they returned from the boxing club.
Unfortunately, his flight back to Boston was not for another two days. He went to the only place which had not been a part of the battle: Donna's house. He laid on the couch in the living room while the morning news droned on. The redhead would return today, and Harvey would have to break the news to her. Apparently, Jennifer had heard from Lily herself, through a phone call last night.
She understood Harvey's pain, welcoming him into the house with a warm embrace. Already, on the coffee table by the couch, were a few of Harvey and Donna's favorite movies, a glass of water, and some cut fruit. It was like she was psychic and knew Harvey would be running to the Paulsen house.
He stared at the ceiling and watched the fan spin round and round before his thoughts were interrupted by the opening of the front door. He peeked his head up over the couch and saw Donna, dressed in a turquoise dress. She seemed restless, as if she had just gotten back from work or another audition.
Almost immediately, her posture straightened because she noticed the little head which was sticking out of the couch. It was clearly Harvey- no one else had that little mole above their eye. Around Harvey, Donna was always on her best behavior. After all, he would one day become her boss.
"Harvey," she said, with a hint of disbelief in her voice. The redhead had not expected the other to pay her a visit until after he graduated from law school. She took off her heels and tossed them to the side before approaching her friend.
Quietly, he sat up and gave her a thin smile, "Donna. Hey."
"Hi…," she replied, puzzled, "Why aren't you at home?"
"It's a long story," he murmured, patting the seat next to him. "You wanna hear?"
"I...wow, Harvey," Donna said, while placing a hand her friend's shoulder for comfort. Although she knew that Mrs. Specter was hiding something- she could sense it whenever she spent time with the woman, she had not expected it to be something so astronomical.
Harvey nodded silently, letting her take in the situation. Just explaining it took a lot of courage, and that drained him beyond belief. He didn't believe that he could lose, but right now, he felt like wasn't going to win this battle against his mother's infidelity.
Leaning over, Donna wrapped her arms around him and squeezed tightly. Despite all of his suffering these past few days, the redhead was able to provide Harvey some relief. He, with some hesitation, hugged her back and leaned his forehead onto her shoulder. Although he despised looking vulnerable, this once would be an exception. He needed this.
"We're here for you, Harvey," Donna whispers, slowly rubbing her hand up and down the man's back. " I'm here for you."
AUTHOR NOTES
Can we get a yee yee for the longest chapter thus far? Approximately 3,600 words!
(There's an even longer one coming but that's not for a bit.)
I'm currently on season 8 (as I have been for like two chapters lol)...I'm stalling behind.
I guess I'm not ready to admit Suits is over. Although I'm excited to finally see 8x16 on screen!
Leave a review if you liked this chapter! Any and all comments motivate me to work hard!
This fanfiction updates twice a month (lol that's funny).
Follow my Twitter (nidavellir_ or link in bio) in order to get information on the next update.
Check out my Twitter to see a story I am currently developing for /AO3 live!
This story is also cross-posted on AO3 under the username "wrightworth."
CREDITS
For once, not inspired by any particular song.
This chapter was unbeta'd. I'm kind of uncomfortable releasing my raw writing, but I felt like people were waiting far too long for this chapter.
I'd still like to give a big thanks to Claire, the dude who edits every single one of my pieces of writing.
His work, even if he says it's nothing, gives me the confidence to post. Without him, y'all would've never gotten this long ass AU.
Dedicated to Michele, because she's pestered me about this for a literal month
and I kept telling her "don't worry, it's coming." Here you go, bitch. Here's the chapter.