They just stood there, embracing one another, not daring to let go. Asuka was clinging tightly to him, still crying softly on his neck. She was shivering a little despite the night's warmth.
Shinji didn't know how to feel. What was happening was simultaneously warming and breaking his heart. Warming because she was there. She came back ! This was already enough for him, and she had told him that she loved him too ! And on top of that, she trusted him enough not to hide how she felt right now. But that was the problem. He had never seen her like this before, she looked so small, so frail. He wanted to comfort her, to protect her from whatever demons were making her cry like this. If only he knew what to do. "It-it's okay. I'm here. We both are. I-I love you." He managed to say, emboldened by her previous declaration. The only response he got were her arms tightening around him almost painfully. She sobbed a bit more powerfully too.
A lot of scenarios had gone through Shinji's head while he had waited for her to read the notebook he had given her a few hours ago. This was not one of them. And he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand to see her sad like that. He decided, as a consequence, to do anything he could to make her feel better. He squared his shoulders and held her more firmly, his right hand gently caressing her head and hair. How he had missed this !.. How he had missed her. After a month without her he was elated to be able to once again see her, smell her, feel her in his arms. It had been far too long.
Yes. He would definitely do anything to cheer her up. She would talk to him when she would be ready, he knew that, and when this would happen, he would help her, he would find a way. In the meantime, the only thing he could do was show her that he was there for her. That he wasn't going anywhere.
"Shinji ?" She called hoarsely once her crying subsided a little.
"What is it ?" He gently whispered in her ear.
"I want to go to bed." She answered, emotionless. He helped her get comfortable on the bed before leaving her room, without even looking at her and thus missing the desperate gaze she cast on him. He came back a few minutes later with a large glass of water.
Asuka's shoulders slumped as relief coursed through her body. She kept silent when she took the glass and brought it to her lips and avidly drank most of it before putting it down on her nightstand while Shinji lied down next to her. She had not realized how thirsty she was. "Thanks." She murmured as she got comfortable close to him, looking him in the eyes, their faces mere centimeters apart, on the same pillow. Despite her bed being large enough for the both of them to sleep rather comfortably, Asuka just refused to release her hold on the Third Child.
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"Tell me precisely how it happened." Gendo Ikari ordered impassible, his hands folded before his mouth. He had read the report, of course, yet there still were elements to this particular event which eluded him.
"Everything we know is in the report I gave you. The whole operation was based on theories and hypotheses. There still are a lot of things we do not know or understand about the Evas." Ritsuko replied. It had been a long day which concluded a long month. She wasn't in the mood to repeat herself.
"What I want to know is how she managed to come back when I specifically told you that this wasn't supposed to happen. I do not appreciate insubordination." Gendo answered threateningly.
"I did exactly what you ordered." She didn't have to justify herself to him. Her actions in the past years should have been eloquent enough. She had been surprised herself when she saw Asuka's naked form on the gangway close to a crying Misato. She had deliberately slipped incorrect codes here and there, where she knew it would be unlikely for Maya to find out. In several places, to make sure her, no, his objective would be complete. She had followed his orders, as she always did, despite his indifference, despite his disdain for her. 'Can't you understand that she came back because she wanted to ?' She thought with contempt. Recently, her opinion of the Supreme Commander shifted, ever so slightly at first. She had done so much for him, sacrificed so much, only to be disrespected as a scientist and as a woman. "Every relevant information considering my tampering with the operation has been added to the report."
The Commander moved a little on his chair, his glasses reflecting the eerie light from his office. "You are dismissed. Today's test shall begin shortly." He didn't even spare a look to the open folder on his office.
"Yes."
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"Asuka's sync ratio has dropped significantly." Maya exclaimed. She had forced herself for a while not to show emotions when she stated those kind of things, but this just wasn't her. She had always been someone who wore her emotions on her sleeve. Too much was at stake here to be detached about what happened. One of NERV's Pilots losing her ability to synchronize with her Eva was a big deal !
"That was to be expected." Ritsuko reassured her assistant. "It's been a month since she last synchronized with an Eva. Even her own body must feel strange to her right now." She opened a comm channel with Unit 02's Entry Plug. "Asuka ? You have to concentrate."
"I'm trying !" Asuka answered angrily. The truth was, she wasn't trying at all. Her mind couldn't have been further away from this sync test as it already was. She had woken up late, still in the arms of the boy she had confessed to the night before, warm and comfortable. The first thing she looked at were his eyes in the dimly lit bedroom. They were full of tenderness and relief. But there was something else. Concern. Worry. His deep blue eyes had always had the power to make her heart skip beats. When she looked at them this morning, she felt that with his help, she would be able to get better.
This feeling was peculiar to her. She had always prided herself of being independent, of not needing anyone. But being loved, after so long, and realizing her own love for him, had changed that fact... Not that she would admit it to him. Or anyone else.
He wasn't drowsy with sleep like her, on the contrary, he looked very much awake. He had waited for her to wake up not to disturb her, she assumed. Maybe it wasn't something important in his mind but it meant a lot to her.
It was Sunday. So they didn't need to go to school, which was a good thing, since she really wasn't in the mood for a boring lesson interspersed with death glares, dumb and tiresome hypocrites wanting to bask in her popularity and love letters from boys who just lusted after her body. This whole menagerie already made her sick at the best of time, now just thinking about them was almost unbearable for her. Not to mention the girls Shinji had talked about ! Those opportunistic harpies ! They would get what they deserved, just not now. Now was the time to enjoy spending time with her boyfriend.
Yes. She was looking forward to spending the day with Shinji. It was selfish, but she desperately wanted him to alleviate her sadness just by being with her. To feel safe in his arms. To eat whatever he would have prepared for her, she didn't care what, she knew it would have tasted divine. Maybe even watch a movie in his old room.
All these hopes came crashing down however when the phone rang.
As a consequence, she didn't care at all about this sync test. Furthermore, she didn't want to be in her Eva. What she had seen, or thought she had seen, throughout last month, had left a deeply disturbing impression on her. She wasn't ready to "face" her Eva just yet. She still wasn't sure if she had just hallucinated or if it had indeed been the truth. Whatever it was, she didn't want to verify it just yet.
That was another reason why she got scolded by Ritsuko. She had closed her heart and mind as soon as she had stepped inside her Entry Plug. She just wanted to be out of there, back home.
But even that wasn't in the cards for her. Ritsuko had wanted her to come to her office as soon as the test ended. She just managed to tell Shinji not to wait for her, but she still told him that she wanted a nice dinner ready when she came back. He had promised her a Black forest cake. That was enough to cheer her up, and help her get through this.
It was already getting dark when she finally got out of the Geofront. 'I'll be home soon. A few more minutes and I'll be with...'
"Hey Soryu !" Her reverie was interrupted by Toji, who was quickly closing the distance between them.
"Hey Monkey-boy !" She greeted back without enthusiasm. "What are you still doing here ?"
"I was with my sister. I go see her every time I'm here." He answered happily, not even noticing Asuka's tone.
"You're a devoted brother, Shinji told me about you and your sister. I... Appreciate your... Abnegation." She said truthfully, albeit a bit reluctantly.
"Did I hear that right ?" Toji replied, flabbergasted. "Did you just compliment me ? Are you alright ?"
"Listen." She paused a little to organize her thoughts. "Shinji's told me how hard last month has been on him. You've been there for him... You've helped him when I..." She hesitated for a moment, unsettling the boy in front of her. "Wasn't there. I'm glad you did. You are a good friend to the idiot. Thank you..." She finally managed to say with some effort. "But don't get me wrong ! That doesn't mean I like you !"
He chuckled. "I sure hope not ! But don't mention it, Demon. It was the least I could do for Shin-Man ! He really was devastated. You know, he really cares about you. And from what I have seen, you might not be so bad for him after all." He trailed off. She was about to leave when he spoke again. "I wanted to thank you too... You know, for saving my life." It was his turn to feel uncomfortable. "I owe you one, and a Suzuhara never forgets his debts !" He paused for a second. "I can see you want to leave, I ain't going to bother you any longer. Take care of Shinji... And yourself. See you tomorrow !"
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'Kaji you fool... You were always such a fool !' Misato had been locked up in this dark cell for hours now. She was hungry. She had wanted to finish catching up with her work before grabbing a latish lunch. She was almost done when those Section 2 goons came. The audacity they shown still pissed her off. They were the ones who had messed up letting the Vice Commander get abducted and she was locked up ? She had managed to keep her composure in front of them and inside her cell, mostly, but she was fuming. Last night had not helped, this sync test had really not been necessary, and seeing the distraught look on Asuka's face the whole time she spent in her Entry Plug had left her worried, as a consequence, she had spent a rather short night.
Kaji couldn't have picked a worst day to play with her nerves. 'Why did you do this ? Don't you think I've got work to do ? And what's the point ? Do you think he'll just tell you everything he knows ? You're an idiot ! If you keep going like this, you'll only manage to get killed !' She let this last thought sink in for a bit. 'Don't get me wrong, I understand... You've always been obsessed by the truth. And I can't blame you for this, I'd really like to know the truth as well !'
"I need a beer." She let out in the empty room. There was so much in her mind at the moment with all these secrets that she dared to hope that the guard outside would hear her and toss her one. Of course, nobody answered her plea.
'We're not so different, you want the truth, I want the Angels dead. But tell me, Kaji, what good is the truth if you're dead ? It hit me recently. I've been living only for revenge since even before I joined NERV. But I'm tired now. I want to live a normal life for Heaven's sake ! And I want... No ! I need you to be a part of it. I learned that thanks to the kids. If they can be happy together why couldn't we ? I know this is selfish, but you know what else is !? Disappearing right after we got back together !' She stood up and kicked the bed she was sitting on "Ow !" Her scream was mixed with the muffled thump made by the impact of her foot with the plank which constituted her bed base. She sat on the ground, her knees to her chest, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. This was getting her nowhere, she couldn't change what was happening, the only thing she could do was get used to the idea. He had already made his decision. 'I swear, if you get yourself killed I'll never forgive you as long as I live !'
She stood up slowly, as if all her strength had left her body and dragged herself back on the bed to lie down on her left side. 'You know, I'm still afraid of the dark. Except when you're with me. Please Kaji, don't die. I'm tired of being miserable, sad and hopeless. ' She wriggled a little, trying to find a more comfortable position.
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It had been far too long since the three roommates had spent a nice and enjoyable evening together. Two Angels had been defeated since the last time, and the last one had attacked over a month ago. Things didn't start well, however, as Shinji seemed to be the only one in a good mood. Things got better as time went on. Shinji's meal helped, but the driving force was that the three of them really needed a break from everything that was happening.
Misato was cheerily intoxicated, celebrating in her own way her reunion with both her young charges. She wasn't completely drunk, just enough to get a small buzz that made her feel jolly. It was also to help her cope with what she knew had happened during the day. She was concerned, but she really wanted to enjoy this moment.
Shinji was smiling. He just couldn't help himself. Things were getting back to normal now that Asuka had come back. It was a small, shy smile, but it was there. It was so rare to see him like this that it was bound to have a positive effect on his roommates. However, his eyes betrayed how worried the boy was.
Asuka was really, genuinely happy to be there, to share this delicious dinner with them. However, she also looked gloomy. Shinji didn't like that, it was so unlike her to sulk like this... It was more like him, he thought humorlessly. She was doing her best to act like she normally would, but he could see how forced it was. When they were together in their room, she didn't hide it from him. That being said, she didn't talk either. She kept what was eating her up to herself. Shinji didn't want to push her, he knew better, so he said nothing, but he desperately wanted her to tell him, if only to share her burden.
Things almost got out of hand when Asuka grabbed the last part of the Black forest cake left in the fridge from yesterday's meal. Misato had tasted it the night before. Shinji had thoughtfully left her a plate of yesterday's meal in the fridge, along with a piece of the cake. She had loved it so much that she couldn't resist and tried to snatch it from Asuka the second she had turned her back. It didn't go well. They started arguing and yelling. Shinji had to intervene, as the two women were about to jump at each other's throat. Misato couldn't win against them both, so she let Asuka eat that last piece, but not before making Shinji promise that he would make another one soon.
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Asuka and Shinji went to bed soon after, while Misato stayed a little longer, doing the dishes. It was her penance for trying to shamelessly steal Asuka's dessert.
Nothing was different between them, yet everything had changed. It had just taken three words. Three little words that they had not said nor heard in far, far too long. They were still in Asuka's bed, as was usual, still snuggling together, arms wrapped around each other.
"Asuka ?" He whispered delicately. "Do you like Beethoven ?"
She opened her eyes as an evil smirk appeared on her face. "Why would I like Beethoven ? You say that because I come from Germany ?" She answered, trying her best to sound offended. "You know that's racist, right ?"
Shinji squirmed uncomfortably. "I-I... It's just... I mean..." He was completely shocked by what she had just said, that she could even think this of him. He tried, but he was speechless.
That's when she started laughing. "I was kidding Shinji ! Why are you asking me this ?"
Still shocked, but reassured nonetheless he took a few seconds to calm down. "T-There is a tradition here in Japan. In December, there are concerts of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. I wanted to go to a concert with you for..." He trailed off for a second. "For your birthday."
Asuka loved the idea. She had always loved this symphony and despite, or maybe because of the memories hearing it would bring, she wanted to go. However, she was still feeling playful from her previous joke. "Are you sure that will be enough ?" She said sounding a tad disappointed while looking him right in the eyes in the darkness. "I mean, it's an okay gift, but you seem to forget that now that I came back from Unit 02, one might consider that I have two birthdays."
"I... Erm I... Th-that's the only idea I had." He said desperately, trying with all his might not to stutter or sound disappointed himself, and failing spectacularly at both.
"Relax idiot !" She said smiling kindly to him before kissing him gently on the lips. "That's a wonderful gift. I'd really like to go to this concert." She then laid back down, her head on his chest. He let out the breath he was holding in a sigh of relief. They stayed like this for a moment before Asuka broke the silence. "Stop worrying about me, idiot. I'm fine." Her tone wasn't aggressive though. 'If you stop, I swear I'll kill you with my bare hands.'
"How did you know ?" He asked completely taken by surprise. He had done his best not to let it show.
"I can barely breathe. If you held me any tighter you'd probably break some of my ribs. That kinda gave it away." She couldn't hide her disappointment when he loosened his embrace though. He couldn't see it, thankfully. 'I'm not ready Shinji. I can't tell you why I am who I am and what I saw... Not yet.'
"Sorry." He was feeling disappointed too. He hadn't done it on purpose, but that could have been a good opportunity for her to tell him what was bothering her. 'How can I understand you if you won't say anything ?' He thought sadly. But he didn't have to understand her to help her. He gently caressed her back 'If you don't want to tell me about anything you don't have to. I'll always be there for you.' That's what he had told her when they kissed for the first time.
"Idiot." She said tenderly. Maybe it was enough to make him understand. Silence once again enveloped them before she changed the subject. "Why did you go see Wondergirl in the hospital ?"
He fidgeted a little, making her move in unison to keep her comfortable place on his chest. Even having been separated for this long did not change this habit. Because of the contact, of course, and also because they could speak more freely like that than when they were face to face. "Since the nurse didn't know where you were and..." He trailed off before resuming. "And since I was scared to face Toji after what happened, I wanted to make sure that at least she was okay." He snorted humorlessly. "In the end we barely talked about her because I was too preoccupied about you..."
She smiled at that last statement. 'Take that, Wondergirl !'
"I feel bad though..." He continued, unaware of what Asuka was thinking. "She's been isolated her whole life, just like me. It's unfair to ostracize her like that."
The thought had never crossed her mind. She had always disliked the First Child after she had rejected her. She hadn't tried to understand why she was like this. It didn't even cross her mind that she could be just like she used to be, isolated, alone. "Yeah... I guess you're right." She couldn't disagree with him. It indeed was unfair, nobody deserves to live a life of loneliness. Her smile vanished when she said that. She was about to continue when the sound of something heavy scraping on the floor made them both jump. They were about to shrug it off when they heard desperate wailing through the paper thin door.
They got on their feet and rushed outside of the bedroom. The sight that greeted them broke their heart. Misato was kneeling in the kitchen, her elbows resting on the table, she was cradling her head in her arms. She was crying and shouting in front of the telephone, oblivious to the rest of the world. Her body shook with each powerful sob. She didn't even move when a hand gently squeezed her shoulder. Shinji and Asuka came on each side of her in an attempt to support her.
"Misato ?What's going on ?" Asked Asuka worriedly. She didn't answer, she didn't even seem to realize that they were here with her. Her body kept rocking violently as she continued crying. Hesitantly, scared as if the answering machine would burn his finger, Shinji pushed the button to replay the message. Asuka raised her head in shock as she heard the voice belonging to the person who had left the message and as understanding dawned in her mind.
"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure you're listening to this message, especially after I caused you so much trouble. Sorry. Please tell Ritsuko I'm sorry too. Oh, and there's one more thing. I've been growing watermelons. I'd appreciate if you could water them for me. Asuka knows where they are. Katsuragi, take care of the kids, I'll have to lay low for a while. If I see you again, I'll say the words that I couldn't say eight years ago. Bye."
This message was recorded at 12:02 PM.
"He's gone." It was almost imperceptible, but the Children heard it, and it shook them to the core. Misato had stopped shouting as soon as she heard Kaji's voice mail, just to hear his voice again. Asuka squatted next to her, she couldn't say anything, so she looked in her sorrowful eyes, her own glimmering with unshed tears. Shinji's hand squeezed the grieving woman's shoulder a bit tighter. "He abandoned me. All for the sake of his stupid quest for truth..." She trailed off, looking away from Asuka, in the distance.
"... We... We're going to a concert in a few days. W-would you like to join us ?" It was lame and he knew it, he just couldn't find anything else to say. Maybe it would take her mind off this. Asuka glared at him when she heard his question, she didn't want anyone to come with them. Her wordless reprimand died as a tired sigh escaped her guardian's mouth.
"... I'd like that." Was all she said, without inflexion, still staring at nothing, her Children's presence soothed her mind, it reminded her that despite Kaji's absence, she wasn't alone. She was still crying, albeit silently now. She couldn't stop crying even if she had wanted to. This pain, even if it were alleviated by her wards, was too much.
Shinji felt powerless. He hated that feeling. He could get inside a giant robot and fight against ungodly monsters, yet he was incapable of helping the woman who had helped him on so many occasions. He wanted to help her so much. That's at this moment that he realized that despite everything, he was still just a child. That didn't mean that he would let Misato face this tragedy alone, though. Silently, he moved away from them to prepare some coffee for everyone, this night was going to be long.
Asuka, still crouched next to Misato, took her hand, a bit too roughly and motioned with her head for her guardian to stand up. Her jaw was clenched, she had a deep frown on her face. They got up and walked to the living room. Misato sat on the couch while Asuka plopped herself down angrily on a pillow on the ground cross-legged, still frowning in a -very- angry scowl, a dark and cold stare adorning her features. Neither of them talked, they just sat there, alone together, thinking about the message, its owner, and what it meant.
A few minutes later, Shinji joined them, a tray in his hands with three mugs on it. He had prepared Misato a simple strong coffee with two sugars, her favorite. He gave Asuka a latte, her favorite hot beverage as well. He had thought about fixing himself some tea, but thought coffee would be better, the bitterness of the liquid would go well with the mood, he gloomily thought. He had served each of them in their favorite mugs, hoping that this simple attention would at least help a little. When he gave her her latte, he brushed discreetly her hand to try and relax Asuka, who was looking angrier by the minute.
They spent most of the time in silence, just drinking their coffees, sometimes talking a little. Asuka never spoke a word, however. After having finished her coffee, Misato seemed almost calm, resigned. "I'm going to take a shower." She said, deadpan, in fact, she sounded empty. Nobody acquiesced. She left without uttering another word.
"Asuka ? Talk to me." Shinji had waited for Misato to leave before asking his girlfriend to share what she was feeling.
"Drop it." She sounded furious. The kind of calm fury that always sent shivers down Shinji's spine. He flinched, but didn't back away. He heard the water stream from the bathroom.
"No. I can see you're angry, tell me what's going..."
"Leave me alone !" She shouted. Her anger finally winning over her restraint. This message had been the last straw. She had already enough to deal with ever since coming back from Unit 02. "Kaji abandoned me too ! Just like everyone else before him ! Just like Mama !" Tears were coming dangerously close to falling down from her deep blue eyes full of anger. "You're gonna abandon me too so you might as well do it right now !"
"No." He said trying to sound as confident as possible. He was scared, and unsettled by what she had just said, but now was not the time for that. He stood up and came close to her. He knelt down to try and hug her, only to receive a violent right hook in the face for his trouble. He fell on his side and held his bruised cheek with his left hand for a few seconds, trying vainly to stop his head from spinning. Yet he didn't back off, he wouldn't run away like last time she hit him, so he came back to her and took her in her arms as quickly as possible, effectively preventing her from punching him again. She struggled for a while with little strength. A part of her wanted nothing to do with him at the moment, but the other part just screamed at her to let him hold her. She finally settled down and slumped in his arms, her head dropped on his shoulder. She weakly raised her arms to return the embrace, clutching his shirt desperately. "Asuka, I couldn't abandon you even if I wanted to. I'm far too scared of you to do that."
She laughed, finally letting go of some of her tension in the comfort of his arms. "Not scared enough, obviously... You're okay ?" She asked when what she had done hit her, concern evident in her voice. She felt reassured by the fact that he was still holding her close to him, he wouldn't had he been mad at her. That wasn't a reason to make it a habit, however. It was the second time she had hit him, the second time she had lost control. She didn't want to wake up alone one day because of her temper, and she knew this would eventually happen if she wasn't able to control herself.
"Oh this ?" He said in a light tone. "It's nothing. You should see the other guy !" They both laughed against each other. The joke wasn't very good, but in their state of mind, it was as if it had been the best joke they had ever heard. They stayed like this a moment before Shinji stood up and went to the kitchen to prepare three more coffees. Asuka never stopped looking at him.
When Misato came out of the bathroom, a hot coffee was waiting for her on the coffee table. She didn't even notice Shinji's red and slightly swollen left cheek as she slouched unceremoniously on the couch. "Well... Happy birthday to me."
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A/N : Sorry for the delay ! Christmas is a busy period where I work so I didn't have time to write ! I tried, and I thought I'd be able to have this chapter up sooner, but there's just so much that happens in so little time ! There was a lot more that should have been included in this chapter but hey, this was such a good breaking point that they even used it in the series !
So I got stuck on almost every part of this chapter ! I hope it turned out well, don't hesitate to tell me ! I always enjoy having positive reviews !
I also want to thank you all for sticking with me, we have crossed the 100 followers threshold ! You can't imagine how grateful I am ! Thanks everyone ! You're the best !
Bye !