The room he was in was pitch black and large enough to remain cool despite the post Second Impact perpetual summer's heat. The air was stale, however, courtesy of the lack of air conditioning, or windows for that matter, in the room.
His chair was uncomfortable, especially since he had been sitting on it for hours. His handcuffs would undeniably leave marks if they had not already bruised his flesh. He wasn't sure, he couldn't check with his own eyes. His hands were numb due to his restraints obstructing his bloodstream. So he just sat there, waiting to be released or executed by his captors. He didn't really mind either way anymore. All these machinations, all these schemes were making him weary. Especially in the last months. Especially when the last remaining shards of humanity, that he had thought were long gone, manifested themselves, makings things he had repressed for years awaken and stir inside him.
Regret ? Guilt ? The manifestation of his conscience ? Whatever it was, it was now impossible to ignore for the benefit of the Scenario. Torturing children had always been part of it, he knew. He had accepted that. In theory, it had been acceptable, the reality was quite different. Seeing Yui's offspring's dedication to the Second Child had reminded him of how he used to be... Before he decided to follow the man who wanted to prevent humanity from being able to make its own decisions. If, even after being manipulated into being incapable of forming any deep connexion with any other human being, Shinji Ikari had managed to find some semblance of happiness, maybe a world where people live, no matter how stained with sin it was, was not such a bad thing.
There would be no salvation for him, he had no illusions about that. He could have ran away to hide somewhere, or he could have died with his honor intact. He had chosen a third option, he had chosen to survive, which could be considered brave or cowardly, depending on the point of view, and so he had to face the consequences, yet said consequences were about to get even more extreme, as his superior was already coming up with ways to set the Scenario back on its tracks. He knew what that meant. The collateral damages that were the Children were going to be the prime victims of the Scenario's alterations. This thought alone made him flinch. There was no saving his soul anymore, but maybe, just maybe, he could do something to try to atone for his past cowardice, something to maybe set things right.
If Yui was aware of what was happening to her child, and what was about to happen to him, she would probably destroy each and every person involved in the Human Instrumentality Project, her ex-husband and himself included, he thought.
His musings were interrupted by a light which forced him to shut his eyes for a second before he turned his head, not showing any emotion. "Oh, it's you."
"Long time no see." The silhouette answered before approaching him. "I've put the guards outside to sleep for a while."
"This will cost you your life." He said as Kaji knelt behind him to remove his handcuffs.
"All I want is for the kids to be safe." Kaji answered in his usual nonchalant tone as the cuffs fell noisily on the ground. Fuyutsuki was glad to feel blood pumping freely through his hands after so long.
"This is a noble and selfless cause. Your enemies are powerful, however." He replied deadpan. It wasn't a threat, just an assessment of the situation his interlocutor was in. He massaged his wrists as he stood up.
The response was peculiar, coming from the Sub Commander, and Kaji realized it. "I sure could use informations." It was risky, but it had been his plan when he decided to come and free Fuyutsuki from SEELE's grasp. So he asked him, there was no use beating about the bush with this man.
"Maybe you and I should have a talk." He declared as they both walked out of the room. "Not here, though."
"Just tell me this. Why ?" Kaji couldn't hold back his curiosity. His plan was working, or seemed to at least, but he wanted to understand. He looked around a corner to make sure their path was clear. It would have been a shame to get caught now that things seemed to be looking up.
"Let's just say the end might not justify the means anymore." Fuyutsuki stated as calmly as always. He didn't want Kaji to know what he really felt. Anticipation. Apprehension. He was also feeling a little like a rat deserting the ship, now that the Scenario was compromised. It didn't matter, however, he should have never been on this ship to begin with. He was a professor. A man supposed to teach youngsters, to help them. Not torture them psychologically. This endeavor was going to be taxing for the old man, nevertheless, he couldn't stay idle anymore. He was one of the few people who might be able to make a difference. This would have to be enough for now. He had been granted a second chance. He wasn't sure he deserved it, however, he was determined to make it count.
They left the building in silence, their footsteps resonating in the empty hallways, accompanied only by the cicadas.
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They eventually went to bed. Both of them had been trying for the past hours to simply stay awake, their eyes closing for a little longer every time they closed them, the effort required to open them again more important each time. Neither of them wanted to leave Misato alone for the remainder of the night. She was forced in the end to order them to go to bed, reminding them that they had to go to school on the next day. The three of them had just been sitting there in silence for the last hours anyway, so there was little to no point in them staying in the living room, Misato thought, even though she was glad for the silent comfort her charges gave her. She did not thank them, there was no point. And she was too absorbed in her own thoughts to think about politeness.
Ever since Misato got out of the shower, Shinji had been racking his brain to try, without success, to find a gift for his guardian until he couldn't resist anymore and fell asleep with Asuka in his arms, who had already been sleeping for a while. He smiled a little when he managed to see her peaceful expression as she moved from her usual spot close to his heart. She looked peaceful, which soothed him a little. She hadn't really been herself since coming back. She was her usual self most of the time, but sometimes it seemed forced, even more than usual. And there were those moments when she wasn't even trying. These moments scared him the most. She would either openly slump as if she were overwhelmed by whatever was eating at her or she would simply be completely out of it. Either way, Shinji hated seeing her like this, so he was glad to see her get some respite from her demons when she was sleeping.
As usual, they had not paid attention to their old teacher droning about Second Impact, however, this time it was for very different reasons. Asuka was sulking about everything that was happening to her since coming back from Unit 02, while Shinji was still trying to come up with an idea, barely paying attention to all of his surroundings. He had to find it, to find something that would cheer her up, it was the least he could do. There were just too many things going wrong at the moment for him not to do anything. And he could do nothing to help Asuka. He had tried, and was still trying, but he couldn't reach her. He didn't know if she didn't want him to or if she just wasn't ready.
For her part, she had been forced by Shinji to add frustration to the -too- long list of things that were bothering her. She hated that he was not giving her his complete attention as he had been doing for the past months. Nonetheless, she understood. She had started to like Misato more and more as time went by, and she had to admit that she liked living with her, despite how much of a slob she was. She didn't like to see her completely desperate as she had been the previous night. She was used to seeing Misato being cheerful and annoying ! So she let Shinji try to comfort her, since she knew she wouldn't be able to do it, it was just not her thing.
The answer to Shinji's conundrum was so simple that he couldn't believe how long it took him to find it. The last hours of class were like torture to him. He couldn't stop fidgeting on his seat, waiting for the bell to ring to be able to reveal his grand plan to Asuka. Seeing him like this made her feel a little better, his unfamiliar enthusiasm had contaminated her as soon as he had told her what their present to their guardian was. And despite the fact that he had been the one who found the idea, he kept telling her it was their gift. She had to admit, it was really good. All they had to do was buy a frame and wait to see the look on Misato's face.
She couldn't hold back the tears when she unwrapped the now framed picture. It was a simple black frame with a photo which had been taken at the hot springs, one of the few ones that had immortalized the three of them, and Pen Pen, of course ! Shinji didn't even remember its existence until, thinking about all the time he had spent with Misato, he remembered looking at a camera's lens back at the Onsen.
Misato was at the center of the photo, holding the penguin tightly in her arms. She was surrounded by her charges. On her right was Shinji, a shy, embarrassed smile on his face. He looked like he was trying to make himself a small as possible, without leaving the frame, because he knew Misato wouldn't have let him get away with it. That didn't mean he didn't try, since he was a bit further away from Misato than Asuka, who was on her left, winking while making the peace sign with her right hand. She had been in a good mood after having killed the Eighth Angel... Still being alive didn't hurt either.
The picture represented a simpler time, far from the schemes and the brutality of Humans and Angels alike. Their efficiency at the time made them think they were invincible, that this war could be won. They all carried their own burdens, of course, but they didn't feel as overwhelming as right now. They felt like they could be, if not dealt with immediately, at least put aside until the time was right.
But this picture meant so much more. It meant that no matter what life would throw at them, from falling into an active volcano to the disappearance of a loved one, they could always rely on each other. This picture was to become a reminder of that simple yet paramount fact. It needed no explanation. They all understood the underlying message.
Misato, not able to control herself anymore (not that she tried very much), crushed both Asuka and Shinji in her arms, and for once, they both felt genuinely happy to be victims of one of Misato's bear hugs. Soon, the three of them were enjoying a nice group hug which only helped consolidate the bond between them. Eventually, Misato released her wards only to go hang the picture in the living room, so they would be able to see it every time they would need it. Now all they had to do was prepare for the concert.
As she got ready, which meant changing out of her school uniform and putting clothes that were more suited for the occasion, Asuka couldn't help but feel jealous. She wanted the same comfort Shinji was giving Misato with that picture. That damn picture that was almost mocking her. They all were there for each other. She knew that. She knew that Shinji was there for her, he would help her in a heartbeat with what she saw in Unit 02... With what happened to her when she was younger. He would understand. He was the only one who could understand. All she had to do was tell him... And that was the problem. This frustrated her to no end, she wanted to. She just couldn't. She still wasn't ready. It was stupid, she was getting more withdrawn every day, so it was getting harder and harder to tell him. And she knew that one day, he wouldn't even be there anymore to listen to her if she continued like this.
It was gnawing at her. She wanted to explode, to break everything and scream at everyone unlucky enough to cross her path, to drive them away so she could enjoy her downward spiral alone, in peace. The only reason that made her control her anger was Shinji, who, despite also being one of the reasons for her current state of mind, was also the only reason for her not falling apart. 'I'm glad you're there, idiot, but we both know I don't deserve it.' She hated him right now. Because he wasn't running away. Because he was there for her. He was forcing her not to be her egotistical and selfish self. And she loved him as much as she hated him because of that.
However, she realized quickly that there were only two ways this could go. He would either help her through all this until she got better, or she would drag him down with her. She didn't want that, she wanted him to be happy, or at least she didn't want to be responsible for his woes, and she hated thinking like that. It would have been so much easier if she didn't care about him. She forced her eyes shut and took a deep breath.
"One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed." She chuckled cynically, thinking back to this quote from the Little Prince. She had never expected to be in the fox's shoes one day when she read that book when she was younger.
Being like this was getting on her nerves. She wasn't even sure of what she had seen inside Unit 02, how come it affected her so much ? And how could she verify it ? She couldn't ask her Eva, it was just a weapon, how could it answer her ? Did she really want to know ? It would probably take time, but she knew she could do like she always did if she wanted to, bury it as deep as she could and never think about it again. Then she'd be able to get back to her normal self. She wouldn't admit it to herself, but she was scared. Scared that what she had seen inside Unit 02 was the truth. Because if it were, it would mean that her mother had abandoned her intentionally.
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Misato cursed herself for the what must have been the thousandth time since they arrived at the concert hall. She uncrossed her legs and crossed them again. It was a rookie mistake, really, and she should have known better. Really. She should have known not to accept to go to a concert without knowing what said concert was. She had expected some pop music like what Shinji was always listening to on his SDAT. She would have enjoyed that, she liked the singer's voice in the last tracks. She even had dared to to hope for some hard rock or something. Anything that could clear her head.
It's not that she disliked classical music or anything, it's just that she found it so boring !
She was trying, really trying, with all her might, not to show how bored she was, but she knew she was not doing a very good job at the moment. She just couldn't stop fidgeting on her seat. She had to make an effort. A few sighs had already escaped her lips. She rolled her eyes, slouching a little more on her seat and tried her best to stifle a yawn. And she knew the most boring part had not even started yet. This was going to be long. She really didn't want to ruin the concert for her charges. She could see how much they were enjoying themselves. 'Ugh ! How long is the concerto again ?'
Shinji was absolutely fascinated. He had already listened to Beethoven's 9th Symphony a few times but seeing it performed live was a completely different experience ! He had never been to a classical music concert in his young life. To be fair, he had never been to a concert at all. His teacher never saw the point in taking him to one.
Seeing the conductor gesture to one section of the orchestra to an other, moving seemingly at random, yet maintaining the harmony of all the musicians in front of his was astounding to him. All the members of the orchestra played and stopped at exactly the right time, giving life to the music sheets before them, each of them adding their contributions at the perfect moment. He couldn't isolate all of the myriad details of this composition, of course, however, it didn't prevent him from thoroughly enjoying the experience.
At one point during the third movement, he managed to pry his eyes off the violinists' hypnotizing bows and the cellists which captivated him with their dexterity to stare at his girlfriend's face. She had her eyes closed and a serene expression on her face, as if she were completely absorbed by the music. At this precise moment, after studying her face for a few seconds, Shinji Ikari had a very strange epiphany, one that should have sent shivers down his spine. However, it felt so natural at the moment that it didn't perturb him whatsoever.
He wanted to thank his father. Because of his father, he became an Eva Pilot. Because of his father, his life was more hectic than it ever had been before. But he wouldn't change that for the world ! He had friends, he had Misato, his mother/big sister figure, and most importantly, he had her. All the pain, all the sorrow was well worth it as long as he had her in his life. He squeezed her hand gently, making her smile softly before he turned his gaze back to the cellists.
She had very fond yet conflicting memories of this symphony. The first time she had listened to it was when her mother made her listen to an old CD from 1989. She only had vague recollections of it, obviously. Listening to it afterwards always made her feel wistful because of that. This time was no exception, nevertheless, it was also different.
She had always thought that the third movement was boring, the second movement had always been her favorite. However, this time, the third filled her with a sense of calm, of serenity... Of determination. She had never truly understood it before, but now it made her feel at peace. Just like when she was in Shinji's arms at night, when he would chase her nightmares away. He had his fingers intertwined with hers, which emphasized those feelings. He never released his hold on her hand. Their palms were a little sweaty but she couldn't care less. This time, for the first time, thanks to him, the Ode to Joy spoke to her. For the first time, these lyrics managed to make their way into her heart.. It was what she had needed. She had beaten around the bush for far too long already. She had to see for herself what was inside Unit 02. After that, when she would know, she would be able to start talking to Shinji, she would be able to get better.
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Pen Pen had been looking at what was happening in front of him for quite some time, trying to make sense of it. His three roommates, even though he considered them more as his guests, were sitting at the table, eating. Well, not exclusively. Misato was drinking a beer on her seat, her back to the kitchen, which was not extraordinary in its own right, what stood out to the penguin was that she was drinking it really, really slowly, taking little sip after little sip, not downing it in seconds as she usually did. The most surprising thing was that she just kept the can to her lips, yet she was not drinking ! And it was her first beer of the evening ! Shinji was eating quietly, he looked almost normal compared to his roommates. Almost, because occasionally, he would glance to his right to look at Asuka with what could only be interpreted as worry. A few times, he looked like he was about to say or do something, then decided against it and continued eating. Asuka was eating, her chopsticks clanking noisily each time she brought them to her plate. Other than that, she was silent. Completely silent, as if lost in her own thoughts. She was usually so noisy, it was really strange.
He didn't understand those humans sometimes. A month ago everything seemed to be perfectly fine, then Asuka disappeared for a month, and now that she was back none of them seemed happy anymore. He shrugged before waddling back to his fridge. Maybe nobody, even her, wanted her back. That was the only logical explanation.
Since her talk with Shinji last month, Misato had decided to make an effort to spend more time with her charges. It had taken her some time to figure it out, but she needed to be a better guardian for them. 'I guess there's a lot going on right now... I just wish we could have a nice dinner like we used to.'
"I'm finished." Asuka stated while getting up. She took her plate and brought it to the sink. She then left in silence as the telephone started to ring. She didn't even pay it any attention as she walked to her room.
Seeing that no one was going to pick it up, Shinji stood and went for it. Asuka stopped, then resumed her previous action once again.
"Yes, hello ?" Asuka had almost reached her room, her shelter when she was interrupted for a second time. "Asuka ? An international call from Germany for you. It's your mother." Shinji called out to her before she managed to leave. He offered her the phone with a shy smile.
"For me ? From Mama ?" She said shyly, yet with little inflexion, as she grabbed the phone. Shinji kept looking at her while she started speaking German in front of him. He saw her blush a little while answering her interlocutor.
Deciding not to intrude into her privacy, even though he couldn't understand a single word that she was saying at the moment, he decided to go wash the dishes. He couldn't help but listen to her, however. It fascinated him to hear her speak another language. The feeling was peculiar, she was still the same person, her voice was still the same, but he had never heard her speak German for a long time like this. He had almost forgotten that she wasn't Japanese. She sounded so exotic ! When he was done with the dishes, he went to the living room and lounged on the couch, still idly listening to his girlfriend voice.
"Mother..." He thought wistfully. She had never told him anything about her mother. The only time he had mentioned her mother, Asuka had stampeded to her room, her eyes full of tears. 'Why does her mother not call her more often ? And why does Asuka never call her ?' He didn't realize it, but he had started to flex and relax his hand. He was getting angry. He couldn't understand why Asuka would just not call her mother if she had the opportunity. Her mother was alive ! His train of thought was cut short when he heard that Asuka had ended the call. He stood up and turned to her. "You sure talked for a long time." He said, trying to remain as calm as possible. He knew he was glaring at her, he just couldn't help it, his hand was still flexing and relaxing.
"Well, it's our usual bit of communication." Asuka answered with a hint of disappointment in her tone.
"It must be nice to have a family to talk to." Shinji replied as sarcastically as he could. He felt bitter. It wasn't completely Asuka's fault. Maybe she had not told him about her family not to hurt his feelings. It was unintentional, but he felt almost betrayed by her.
She didn't seem to pick up on the caustic comment. "Well, just in appearance. It's only on the surface. She's not my real mother anyway." Shinji's anger disappeared instantly as she said that. "My father moved on with his life rather quickly..." Shinji had walked around the couch and was now facing her. He grabbed her hand with his own. "But it's not like I hate her or anything. I just don't deal with her well. We still talk from time to time because she's my step-mother... Otherwise she would probably have given up like everyone else..." She then added with a smile "You know more than most how I can be !"
They chuckled a little together, still holding hands. "People never gave you the chance you deserve."
She smiled. That same smile that made his knees weak. A smile that he had not seen for more than a month. "Thank you, idiot." She let go of his hand and finally managed to get to her room.
Shinji stood there, watching the door behind which she disappeared. "You're very nice to her." Misato stated, breaking him out of his musing.
"She doesn't show it, but there's something wrong. We have to be there for her." He said with authority, turning to face her.
"You two are really good to each other. You're more confident in yourself. You have not stuttered once while talking to her ! I'm happy for you." She added with melancholy. "I'm very proud of you two." Having said that, she went to the bathroom.
Shinji could hear the bathtub filling up, and since Asuka probably needed to be alone, he decided to go to his old room to occupy himself with some homework.
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The water was draining slowly from the bathtub. There probably were hair again clogging the drain. Asuka was standing in front of the bathtub, naked, the stopper in her left hand, looking idly at the water level going down. "What's happening to me ?" She asked herself quietly. "This is disgusting !.. I should feel sick just thinking about bathing in the same water as Misato and stupid Shinji !"
When the tub was only two thirds full, she put the stopper back in its place. "Yet somehow... It almost feels... Comforting." She said as she turned the hot water on. Bathing in the same water meant that it was usually too cold when the last person got to take their bath. "I don't get it !" She was getting more upset as she continued with her introspection. "I've lived only for myself for so long... It feels so... Alien. And now I don't think I could ever go back to it..." She trailed off, still watching with disinterest as the bathtub was getting full again. "Stupid Shinji ! This is all your fault !" Despite her accusation, she couldn't help but smile softly.
Her smile vanished quickly, however, as a cramp forced her to hold her stomach. She groaned in pain and grit her teeth. "Ugh ! I hate this !" She cried out to externalize her pain. "I don't even want children !" She took a deep breath after closing her eyes. "Right ?.." She frowned at herself while turning off the tap, her right hand still nursing her stomach. "I'm not sure anymore..." She paused. "Things really were easier when Shinji was just an idiot who cooked my food... But he... Loves me... Maybe I'm the idiot." She chuckled humorlessly before getting into the bathtub.
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It was getting quite late when she got out of the bathroom, clad in her pajamas. Shinji was probably already asleep in their bed. She stayed in her bath longer than usual, the warm water doing wonders to her aching stomach. She slid the bathroom door shut quietly before navigating the apartment.
"Asuka ? Are you okay ?" She tried to conceal how startled she had been at hearing Misato's voice.
"I'm fine !" She answered vehemently as she tried to calm her heart rate. Her abdominal pain didn't help with her patience either.
"You know, you shouldn't preoccupy yourself with those things..." Misato continued quietly, not reacting to Asuka's anger.
"Are you kidding me ?" That did it. "You were listening to me ? What the hell Misato ?" She screamed, not caring if Shinji was asleep anymore. Nor the neighbors, for that matter. This intrusion on her privacy was too much at the moment.
"I didn't mean to... I just heard you through the door." She whispered, trying to make her charge understand that shouting this late was not something that should be done.
"I can't believe it ! I'm never truly by myself anymore, except when I'm in the bathroom ! And even there I have to be aware that you could be eavesdropping ?!"
"Asuka... Calm down, you'll wake Shinji. I really didn't mean to. And I promise it won't happen again. I just couldn't ignore what you said." She saw Asuka take a deep breath, maybe talking about Shinji was a good idea to calm her.
"What is it ?" She spat. She wasn't screaming anymore, but she was still extremely angry. "You're going to lecture me now that you intruded into my privacy ?"
Misato tried her best to ignore the sarcasm, it still hurt though. "... You grew up too fast, Asuka." She said, sitting down on her chair at the kitchen table. "Lots of things happened to you... Things you didn't deserve..." She was taking her time to carefully pick her words, the situation was tense enough as it was. Asuka sat down, opting to stay silent for the moment. "You have a lot of responsibilities on you shoulders, so you shouldn't bother yourself with this right now... You have to appreciate what you have." She lowered her head and took a deep breath before looking her charge in the eye again. "Don't squander your chance to be happy." She sounded thoroughly sad, probably thinking about Kaji, Asuka mused. "You and Shinji have a good influence on each other. Focus on this. You can think about all these things later."
She stopped and waited for a reaction from Asuka, who kept silent. She was looking right back at her intently, with animosity, but also with something else. She was really taking into consideration the advice her rude guardian just gave her.
Seeing that she wasn't answering, Misato continued. "I'm sorry I listened to what you said. But I want you to know that if you ever need to talk or anything, I'm here." She smiled warmly, tilting her head to the right a little. "I've been neglecting you since you arrived in Japan. That's an other thing I've messed up !" She tried to sound playful, but it was obvious that she took it seriously. "I want to make it up to you. We're a team ! And I'm supposed to be your guardian, it's about time I start acting like that !"
Asuka's anger had receded quickly once Misato had started her monologue. Receded, not vanished. She had not expected this. She just wanted to go to bed, she was too tired to argue. She could hold some grudges though. "... Thank you..." She didn't know what else to say. She was still angry, of course, but it was nice to know that Misato was there for her as well. She would probably never ask her anything, but it was nice nonetheless. She had wanted Misato to act more like a guardian, even if she would have never admitted it. That was something she absolutely did not want to admit, but she was starting to get tired of handling everything by herself.
She left without saying an other word. She wanted to go to bed, to find comfort in Shinji's arms. They had a sync test the next day, and there was something she had to do.
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A/N : Okay ! This one's been hard, I don't really know why ! I get the feeling that the two last chapters are a bit too slow. As I said before, there's a lot that happens in a very short time. And everything is important !
But hey ! Next chapter will have the battle against Arael ! Everything is planned for. I just need some time to flesh out the last details !
Last thing, it's almost been a year since I posted my first chapter ! Honestly, I still have trouble believing it, but it's still going strong ! Happy birthday !
As usual, thanks for reading, thanks for the follows, favorites and for the reviews !
Bye !