My thoughts felt fleeting as Henry met us by the side of the car, flanked by the other agent who was nearby for our safety, although I was pretty sure nobody would try to target us at a funeral. It was hard enough to have a conversation right now, let alone having the world hear what you were talking about.
"Everything okay between you and Stevie?" Henry questioned in a low voice as he placed a hand on my lower back. At that moment, Stevie passed by us, shooting me a look as she sat between Alli and Jason in the backseat.
"Remind me to tell you later." I sighed as he helped me into my seat by the window. He followed, hopping in and closing the door just as I had buckled up. "Everyone buckled in the back seat?"
"Yep," Jason responded first as he leaned his head back so he could gaze out the window.
"We're all buckled back here," Stevie answered for her sister as well. It made me worry a little that Alli wasn't talking much, but after what Stevie had told me, she probably wasn't feeling the best. Still, I didn't make a big deal as we pulled in line for the funeral procession line and headed to the burial site.
Henry probably looked at me a total of five times, silently asking if I was okay. I didn't have an answer for him, so I told him what he wanted to hear as we stopped at another stop light. "I'm okay," I whispered almost inaudibly, not believing what I was saying.
I wasn't okay. I was far from okay as I could be right now. Even more so, I felt like my world was capsizing little by little like a sinking ship. I had been so busy lately, I couldn't even see my youngest daughter being beaten down by some invisible force.
"Hey," Henry whispered, grabbing my hand and holding it in his. "I love you. We're going to get through this." My anxiety seemed to melt slightly as he snaked his hand comfortably around me until I was laying my head on his shoulder.
Oh, how I wish everybody could have a Henry in their lives. He showed his love and devotion with more passion than I felt like I deserved sometimes. I had always been fiercely adamant about what I wanted, and he had been putting up with it from the day our hearts found one another.
In fact, the day that bomb had gone off, I thought of Henry as I was flying through the air. I thought of him standing in the kitchen, that silly side smile he wore when amused by the banter of the kids as we gathered to eat breakfast. Even though our time was limited in the morning, we found it was the time where we learned the most about our kids.
For Stevie, we often found out about things happening at work. Alli and Jason, we often learned about friends they were hanging out with, any events happening at school and tests and exams they might be worried about.
Of course, Henry and I had discussed extensively night after night what was best for our family to get to this point and it showed. It was one reason I believed I had seen his face at the moment I needed it the most. It was like he was telling me to hang on and come back to all this because it was what I loved.
As the car came to a full stop, I realized that despite everything going on, I wasn't alone anymore. My desire to hold my husband and kids again had come true. So why was it hard to come back to them?
"Thank you," I told him as I took his hand to get out of the car. To be honest, I hardly remembered stopping or hearing any indication we had arrived at the grave site. Every step felt heavy as we joined the crowd of people mourning the loss of Fred.
It was a horrible feeling knowing I was on the tail end of something so brutal as murder. I may not have been the one to commit it, but I was there. I could have gone to Iran by myself. I could have met Javani in a different, but more secure area beside his home to ensure his safety, as well as his family's.
"Jennifer and her family have expressed their deepest love for you coming to be with them today." Pastor Henry stated in the most respectful but quiet tone as he stood to the side of the casket."They ask you to hold all those good memories you have of Frank in your hearts. To remember the legacy he left, and to do good to all those around you." He paused as a crow flew overhead, perching in the oak tree to the left of us. Now as we conclude, let us dedicate this grave. At the end of this service, if you would like to say your goodbyes, I would ask you respectfully go to the casket and do so. Afterward, we will all meet at the Cole's home for the reception." He bowed his head, his hands pressed tightly together. "Our Father in Heaven, we dedicate this grave to you at this time. We recognize what a wonderful man Frank Cole was as a father, as a brother and a son. We know he is in good hands, Lord. We ask a special blessing to his family and friends as they mourn his loss. May we all be united at this time to grieve together as we stand here today. Amen."
"Amen." I felt myself utter quietly as my husband and children surrounded me. Henry put one hand around my waist to let me know he was there. Alli and Jason stood beside me, while Stevie stood behind him and put her hand on my shoulder. We all watched together as people walked up slowly, saying their goodbyes. Some lingered, with a trembling lip as they held back the tears.
When it was finally my turn, I felt myself holding back my own tears. Especially when my hand absently stretched out towards Jennifer's before turning towards Fred's casket. I mulled over what I was going to say as my fingers brushed over the smooth oak, as it was hard to believe or come to terms that he was really gone.
"Thank you for bringing me home to my family," I whispered in a low voice, placing my hand flat against the casket. "I promise what you did will never be forgotten."