Firefight outside the Blue Base.
Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defence, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.
Tucker: I didn't even know what half of that meant.
"And just when Church tries to take command, Tucker's brain stops functioning." Najenda shook her head.
"I have a new reason to kill him." Mine glowered.
"You took the words right out of my mouth." Esdeath agreed with the pink sniper.
"Seriously, what's not easy to understand what Church wanted him to do?" Wave asked in disbelief.
"Why doesn't Church just fire back? I mean he's got cover right there." Seryu pointed out.
"And now they're just gonna stand there and talk." Chelsea said crossing her arms and shaking her head.
Church: Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.
Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.
Church: We do not have time to discuss this.
Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.
Akame did not know whether or not to find a machine gun sandwich revolting or delicious.
"Why does Tucker feel the need to argue with every plan Church has?" Tatsumi asked.
"Because he sucks at being a soldier." Lubbock mockingly replied.
"I wonder if this is going to be a thing between them?" Chelsea said.
"A running gag you mean?" Cosmina raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah something like that." Chelsea shrugged.
Church: Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.
Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.
Church: (Sarcastically) No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?
"Off course it has to be in his body." Mez said wryly.
"He's just being sarcastic, Mez." Dorothea said.
"You know what's funny? Last season Tucker refused to go through the teleporter and Church threatened to shoot him." Bulat said with a small grin.
"I see where you are going at; they're kinda doing the same thing now." Bols said.
Zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues.
Grif: Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.
"So incompetent." Esdeath shook her head in distaste.
"Yeah but those guns must be very powerful." Mine bit her lip, wondering how they would feel going off in her hands.
"If only the Revolutionary Army had them." Najenda sighed.
"Maybe we can replicate them to Susanoo." Lubbock suggested.
"I'm interested." Susanoo answered.
Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.
Zoom back to Church.
Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!
DuFresne: My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.
"What a weird name he has. DuFresne." Kurome commented.
"I wonder how you spell it." Sheele wondered, scratching her head.
Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.
DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.
Tucker: What's the difference?
DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.
Everyone except Susanoo either did a double take, jaw dropped or shuddered at the job description,
"N-no t-thats how that works." Run stuttered.
"Good thing I can reattach a limb." Leone said with pride.
Tucker: Mental note: don't ever get shot.
"Great mental note Tucker." Seryu deadpanned.
"That's probably the best mental note ever." Lubbock commented.
"I'm getting a premonition that something is gonna happen to Tucker later on." Akame prophesied
Church: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.
DuFresne: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.
Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with Trocadero's dramatic music playing.
"I can't get over how cool that is." Tatsumi said.
"Why didn't they add him during the intro?" Susanoo asked.
"Who knows. Nothing wrong with a few surprises." Sheele shrugged.
"Oh, and trust us Doc, it'll stick." Mine sarcastically commented.
Tucker: Oh, trust us, it'll stick.
"Oh look an echo." Leone teased the pink sniper, who growled at her in response.
Church: Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.
Doc: I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.
Church: Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".
Doc: Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.
"Pussy." Leone said.
"Pathetic weakling." Esdeath said with loathing in her voice.
"Well what good would that do in a battle situation?" Cosmina asked.
Tucker: Oh, come on.
Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.
Church: Huh. I see.
Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot.
Caboose: Ahow! My foot...
Everyone save Susanoo and Kurome gasped.
Church shooting Caboose shocked everyone and angered Esdeath, for she valued the lives of her subordinates.
"He fucking shot Caboose?!" Seryu exclaimed looking pissed.
"What the hell Church!?" Suzuka growled.
"That's just Church being an amazing asshole." Lubbock said.
"You know what's amazing about that? He couldn't hit Donut with the sniper rifle last season but he was able to hit Caboose just now." Leone pointed out.
"He's wearing that Spartan Mark V armor, shouldn't that have protected him?" Stylish asked.
"I think the writers are being flexible." Run theorized.
Church: Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely.
Zoom to the Reds.
Simmons: Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.
Grif: Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.
Simmons: Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.
Grif: Wait, since when?
Simmons: Since the last staff meeting.
Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.
"They probably must waste time during most of their meetings." Najenda said before puffing on her cigar.
"Never mind the incident with the Warthog, this is Grif's biggest fuck up!" Tatsumi shouted.
"I wonder what Sarge will do to him." Dorothea pondered.
"Well it's not entirely his fault. Sarge and the rest of the team should have noticed something easily seen such as a fat ass armored soldier sleeping without his helmet." Stylish said.
"Still it was his responsibility to know his duties. Sleeping is inexcusable." Esdeath said giving the screen a dark look.
"Well it wouldn't really matter considering they just wasted all of their ammo the first time." Akame said before eating some meat.
"Yeah whats up with that!? I take back what I said. Donut could have made the perfect shot and he wasted it!" Mine growled.
Simmons: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.
Grif: What's your job?
Simmons: Me? I'm the Social Chairman.
"Social chairman? What events could they organize if they live in a backwater canyon?" Bols asked.
"I think Ass Kisser would be accurate." Mine snarked.
Sarge: Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.
Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.
"Grif's blunder reminds me of this one guy when I was in the navy. Except he was flogged for it." Wave said, shuddering at the thought.
"He deserves to kill himself." Kurome deadpanned.
Zoom to Doc and Caboose.
Doc: I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?
Caboose: Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!
Doc: The left foot?
Caboose: Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...
"Of course he can't tell left from right." Mine face palmed.
"Kinda reminds me of you Sheele." Leone teased the airhead.
Doc: I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.
Caboose: Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.
Church: Oh don't even start, Caboose! (echoing)
"Despite being a great shot, Caboose kinda deserves it for shooting Church." Mine said.
"But I say again; unlike Church he didn't pull the trigger." Lubbock said, pointing his finger up.
"And Church intended to shoot him." Bols pointed out.
"Still Caboose needs to take responsibility for the second time." Akame said.
"Then again... Church did not say anything about possessing one of the Reds when he made the plan." Najenda commented.
"Plus he was aiming for Sarge that kind of win." Lubbock added.
Doc: Anything else?
Caboose: Uh, well wha?
Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?
Caboose: Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.
"Wow... too much information." Mine said uncomfortably.
"Yeah... I'm gonna need a few nights with Tatsumi." Leone said jumping up into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her large breasts against his chest.
"Uh..." Tatsumi sat there blushing unable to form words or thoughts for this situation.
"What do you say Tatsumi." Leone sultrily asked.
Esdeath and Mine glared at her for trying to get ahead of them. Akame, Chelsea, Mez, Dorothea, Cosmina, and Suzuka looked at the scene feeling jealous.
"Leone, don't use Caboose's stupidity as an excuse to get close to Tatsumi." Mine seethed through her teeth as attempted to get the busty blonde off of the boy in question.
"All's fair in love and war. Isn't that right Ice Queen?" Leone looked at Esdeath.
Esdeath glare turned into a smile. "Hmm, I know all about war but as for love I suppose this could be a learning experience.
Doc: ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.
Caboose: Okay.
Zoom to Tucker and Church.
Tucker: Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?
Church: I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.
Sarge: Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!
Church: Surrender?
(End episode)
A/N: I want to give my thanks to Bismarck Alexander for looking over my chapters as my beta and Happy New Year! ^_^