Chapter 29

Gil opened his eyes, then closed them immediately with a groan. He smiled a little, happy his vocal chords were working again. He'd missed them. Not being able to talk wasn't the most pleasant thing he'd ever experienced. He tried opening his eyes again, failing. The room was too bright, the sun coming in through the window and shining on his face. He tried to move and was able to turn his head away from the window, though only slowly. He could move his hands and arms a little. Again, he opened his eyes. They met Russia's. He jumped, glancing down at his arms. He was wearing long sleeves.

Liet! He realized, more grateful than he could express. Russia couldn't know. He didn't know what would happen if he found out, but he knew it would be painful. He looked up at Russia again, saying nothing.

"How are you feeling, Ptitska?" Russia asked kindly, sitting back in a chair he had pulled next to Gil's bed. "You scared me."

He didn't have the strength to laugh, so he just looked away. The light pierced into his eyes again, and he shut them, wincing, turning away, his eyes watering in the light. He looked up at Russia, breathing harder, angry.

"Schei-"

"Nyet!" Russia stopped him, giving him an angry glare, "There's no need for that."

Gil set his jaw. He wished he couldn't talk. Everything he had to say involved words he doubted Russia would allow him to use. He turned away again, remembering to close his eyes this time.

"I knew you'd slept with her but…" Russia's voice different this time. It wasn't cold. It wasn't angry. It was…sad? "But I didn't know you loved her…"

"I didn't," Gil replied, turning to look straight up at the ceiling, refusing to look at Russia.

"Don't lie to me," Russia snapped.

"I'm not," Gil shook his head, still not looking at Russia, "She was good in bed and had information. That's all. She meant nothing to me."

Russia grabbed his face, turning it towards his, gripping tighter until Gil looked into his eyes, "Tell me you didn't love her."

Gil shook his head again, "I didn't."

Russia let go of his face, looking down at him with a dry laugh, then turned back to him, more serious, "Then tell me why you turned the gun on yourself."

"She meant nothing to me, but I care about her little brother." He decided not to lie.

Russia smiled, "He's a very sweet boy… too bad you broke him."

Gil turned away.

"He didn't speak the whole drive across the wall, except to say that he hated me. All he did was cry." The cold words stung Russia as he said them. He shook it off. He didn't want to think about Cort's face, covered in his sister's blood. It was too close. Too familiar. "You haven't answered me yet. If you felt nothing for the girl, why shoot yourself?"

"Because now Cort thinks I'm dead," Gil said flatly, trying to keep emotion out of his voice.

Russia smiled, "You're smarter than you look, you know."

Gil shrugged, still not looking at Russia, "What did you do with her body?"

"So you did like her?"

Gil shook his head, "She was my kill, I deserve to know," he swallowed back the sick feeling in his stomach.

"Her family took it over the wall with them."

Gil forced himself not to smile in relief. He only nodded.

"Oh, your brother was there," Russia smiled.

Gil turned to him instantly, "He was?"

Russia smiled still, "Da. He was there to meet the family."

Gil's heart dropped, "W-what does he know about…?"

"He knows what happened. Cort told him, actually. West Germany asked what happened. Cort told him that 'a soldier named Gilbert Beilschmidt' killed her, and then himself."

Gil winced internally, "What… what did he say?" he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Nothing," Russia shook his head, "but the look on his face…"

Gil turned away, closing his eyes, forcing himself to ignore the choke in his throat. His breath caught.

"He knows what you are now, Gil."

"What what am I?" Gil snapped through grit teeth. He could feel Russia's smile boring through him.

"You're like me."

Gil shivered, turning away. He thinks that? That I'm like Russia? That I'm… a monster? He forced himself to keep the tears back.

"I've killed lots of people I cared about, and even more than I didn't. Do you think I cried when they killed the Tsar and his family?" He laughed, shaking his head, forcing the rebelling voice in his mind to keep quiet, "Of course not. They deserved it. Adelaide deserved it. You did the right thing, GDR." Russia reached over and touched the wound on Gil's head, petting his hair.

Gil shivered again, unable to move away from Russia's hand. "If I'm like you…" he whispered, his voice shaking, "Then tell me… how do you live with it?" he closed his eyes.

"Oh, Ptitska…" Russia sighed, putting his hand on Gil's shoulder, trying to be kind, "You stop feeling. You stop feeling anything… everything. Then nothing can hurt you."

Gil looked up at him, trembling, "How? Please…"

"It took me a long time…" Russia shook his head.

"Then hurt me," Gil kept his eyes on Russia's.

"What?" Russia brought his hand away from Gil's shoulder, confused.

"I have to pay for it… I can't… I have pay for it…" He shook his head, turning away again, trying to fight the tears that insisted on spilling over his cheeks. He hated them. They felt weak. He needed to feel strong again.

"You already paid for it, you joined me. You turned communist, Gil…" Russia looked at him, still confused, almost upset.

Gil turned to look at him again.

Russia shivered. The pain in Gil's eyes was enough to disturb him. He looked away.

"Break me," Gil whispered, his voice hot with anger, but choked with tears. "I want you to break me until there's nothing left. Until I can't feel anything anymore… until every scrap of…" He swallowed back the tears, "Until every scrap of Prussia is gone… I can't…" He looked away, shaking his head, "I can't do it… It hurts… it hurts, I can't…"

Russia stood, looking down at Gil, shaking his head, "You don't know what you're asking…" he winced, closing his eyes, memories flashing in front of him, "You're not… healed enough yet…"

Gil looked up at Russia. A new expression was written on the bigger country's face. One Gil hadn't seen before. It was almost like fear. "I know what I'm saying…" Gil shook his head, "I've broken men before… a lot of them… and I want you to break me," he whispered the last few words, his voice cracking. He looked away.

Russia shook his head, taking a step away from the bed, "GDR… you don't have to-"

"Yes, I do." There were no more tears. Tears were too weak.

Russia stared at him for a moment, wincing again, then walked quickly out of the room without another word.

Gil watched him go, closing his eyes, then opening them again, the images behind them were too painful. He glanced at the bedside table, wondering if Lithuania had found the drugs he'd hidden in it. He tried to reach for the drawer, but he could barely move his arms. He couldn't get to it. He jumped as Lithuania ran into the room, worried.

"What did you say to Ivan?"

"What are you talking about?" Gil turned away. The sun was going down behind the hill out his window. It didn't burn his eyes anymore.

"What did you say?" Lithuania walked up to the bed, his voice shaking.

Gil said nothing for a moment.

"Gil?" Lithuania almost snapped, "I haven't seen him like that since-"

"I asked him to break me," Gil said, his tone void of emotion.

"You… what…?" Lithuania took a step back, then reached forward, putting the back of his hand on Gil's forehead. "You're still sick…"

Gil pulled his head away from Lithuania's hand, "I can't do this anymore, Toris… I can't… everything I've done… I can't…"

Lithuania said nothing. He wasn't sure he had an argument, "Gil… there are other ways to heal… don't… you don't know what you're asking him to do…" But I do

"Yes, I do…" Gil whispered, his voice breaking again, "Because I did it to Poland…"

Lithuania said nothing. He wasn't sure if he wanted Gil to continue, or if he wanted to force him to be quiet.

Gil turned to Lithuania again, looking up into his face, "And I enjoyed doing it."

Lithuania breathed harder, anger rising into his chest. He looked away, trying to calm down.

"Can you imagine having to live with that?" Gil shook his head.

Lithuania said nothing, still turned away from Gil.

"Look at me," Gil whispered.

Lithuania didn't.

"I said 'look at me'."

Lithuania obeyed, almost instinctively. Gil's tone was more like Russia's than his own voice.

"Do you know what I did to Poland, did he tell you?"

"Yes-"

"Did he tell you how much he cried? How much I enjoyed that?" Gil grit his teeth, tears spilling over his cheeks.

"Gil…" Lithuania closed his eyes.

"Look at me!"

Lithuania obeyed.

"He begged me. He begged me to stop. And when he did, I kicked harder. Did he tell you about the barbed wire? I struck harder when he cried. He was easier to hurt. He begged me to stop. He didn't have anything to tell me, and I knew it. They sent me to make him suffer and I did."

"Gil stop…" Lithuania's voice caught.

"He cried for you… begged for you…"

"Stop it!"

"He screamed for you when I put that mark on his cheek…"

"Gil, please stop! Please…" Lithuania begged, an angry sob escaping his lips, his breathing hard with anger and pain.

"There… now you know what I am… and what I have to live with," Gil looked up at Lithuania, then turned away. He couldn't watch him cry.

Lithuania set his jaw, shaking with anger. He inhaled slowly, trembling, and spoke, his voice sharp, "I hope Russia kills you…"

"Good," Gil said, keeping his face away from Lithuania, "Maybe now you won't try and rescue me."

Lithuania turned back to Gil, suddenly realizing what he'd been trying to do. "You want to make me hate you…"

"Is it working?"

Lithuania didn't answer.

"Tell Russia about the drugs, and I'll tell Latvia all about your scars," Gil's voice was cold.

"You said he already knows about-"

"He hasn't seen them," Gil's voice shook as he tried to force it to sound angry. He hated this. He hated what he was doing to Lithuania, "I'll make sure he sees them."

Lithuania took a step back from the bed, "Are you… threatening me?"

"Aren't you used to it?" Gil snapped. It was the most cutting thing he could think of to say.

Lithuania winced, turning away from Gil. He knew what the other country was trying to do, but it was still working. "He was right…" he whispered.

"Who was right?"

"Latvia," Lithuania's voice trembled.

"Right about what?" Gil turned to look at Lithuania, who had turned to face the door.

"He said you were going to become just like Russia…" Lithuania walked towards the door, then stopped, looking back at Gil. "Looks like he was right." He walked through the door, almost slamming it behind.

Gil closed his eyes, letting the tears fall, letting himself sob. He hated it. All of it. But if Lithuania didn't hate him, he knew he would try to save him, try to protect him. He had to hate him. If he didn't hate him then he'd try to hold on. He didn't want to hold on. He didn't want to be himself anymore. He wanted to be GDR. No more Prussia. That part of him needed to die, and he couldn't kill himself alone.

A/N: And we're back to our regular dark programming... *sigh* Gil is NOT doing well. He's not doing well AT ALL. He's smart enough to know that he needs Lithuania to stop taking care of him in order for his plan to work, but Lithuania is smart enough to see right through it... even though it still bothers him. Especially since he spent the entirety of the night before taking care of Poland. Gil though... he's losing it. He's slipping. And he doesn't want to be Prussia anymore. *Cries* But... can he ever really get rid of that side of himself? And Russia... another different side of Russia. Russia doesn't want to break Gil down like that... hmm... any thoughts/comments on Russia in this chapter are appreciated! (Also on Gil's slipping sanity of course) Also... Liet is a freaking saint... but he's still pretty ticked with Gil. But will he stop protecting him?

Historically, GDR did side with Russia entirely. They were a VERY dedicated communist satellite... so historically Gil's request, and his trying to get as far away from what he was in WWII as possible, is accurate. I've gotten a few comments about accuracy so I'll address them! I think that there are two sides to these characters. There's the country side of them, and the human side of them. Such as: obviously not everyone in GDR started doing drugs, but Gil, the human side of him, is taking drugs because he can't deal with what he's done. The actual only bigger 'inaccuracy' in this story is that Poland and GDR actually got along quite well. as Poland saw GDR turning communist as proof that it was getting away from the Nazism from the war. In this story, their governments are getting along fine, but Gil and Feliks are NOT (obviously). Another part of the country vs the human sides of them. They aren't their government and do act somewhat independently of them towards the other nations. As far as the timeline goes... well... everything that I've specifically mentioned happening, did happen, though much of it didn't happen until many, MANY years after WWII. I'm squishing history together quite a bit for narrative purposes. In-story it's only 5-6 years post-WWII, though I've mentioned quite a few events that didn't take place until the 60's (including, obviously, the wall itself) There we go! I hope that clears up some of the confusion! I am trying to make this as accurate of a story as I can, without sacrificing drama. History is very dramatic though, so it's not too hard. :) Really just speeding up history is all I'm doing. :) I hope that clears up some confusion! Thank you to so much who cares about history enough to mention the accuracy factor! I love you guys! Thank you so much for caring about history! :D :D :D

As always, reviewers are given cookies (how about Oatmeal cookies? Those are good! One of my favorites! Especially when they're soft and chewy. YUM) and a big glass of milk! 3 Thank you all so much for your dedicated reviews! :D Special Thanks to CheesecakeKittyCat, EllaAwkward, and Kattie. You guys have been reviewing almost every chapter! Thank you so so so so so much! I love reading your reviews! (*gives extra cookies*) Thank you also to all the brand new Guest reviewers who have been commenting! I'm so glad you're here! (*gives extra cookies*) Thank you all for reading what ended up being another very long Author's Notes... XD