Chapter 45

Russia pressed his hands into his face, leaning his elbows on his desk. He closed his eyes, sighing. A deep, anxious ache had settled into his stomach. He tried to ignore it, swallowing hard. He picked up his half empty glass of vodka and poured it down his throat, letting it burn. The nighttime air was cold, but he was more than used to it. It almost felt good combined with the heat of the alcohol. He looked at the stacks of paper in front of him. Reports, newspapers, propaganda posters that needed approval… so much. Too much. He leaned against the desk again, letting his head rest in his hands. He was so tired.

Russia jumped, looking up from his desk as he heard a knock on the door. He turned to look at the windows as light streamed in. He stood, adjusting his scarf instinctively. He unlocked his door and smiled with a sigh of relief.

"Katya…" he opened his arms for a hug.

Ukraine smiled back, embracing her much taller little brother, "Did you sleep well? It's almost 8 am…" She stopped herself, seeing his bloodshot eyes, the skin around them dark, "You didn't sleep did you?"

Russia shook his head, "Not really…"

"Did you fall asleep at your desk again? Ivan, we talked about this, you have to sleep! You can't do anything if you don't sleep!" She crossed her arms, annoyed.

"Whatever you say, mother," Russia rolled his eyes with a smile.

Ukraine punched his arm playfully, "Really?"

Russia smirked, "So… did you come to see if I was still breathing?"

Ukraine nodded, "The last time you slept until 8 was… I don't even remember when the last time was."

"I have a lot of work left to do…" Russia sighed, shaking his head, taking a step back into his room.

"Let me help you!" Ukraine grinned, following her brother inside his room. She glanced over the mess inside it, "When… when's the last time you cleaned up in here?"

Russia sighed again, "With what time?"

Ukraine nodded understandingly, "While you work, I can clean up. That will help you I think!" she smiled. She went straight for a pile of clothes and started picking it up, putting it in the hamper. She bit her lip, noticing some of the clothes were blood stained, "I-Ivan?" She turned back to look at him, "Why are your clothes…" she motioned to the dried red splatter marks on his shirt.

"It doesn't matter," Russia said without looking up from his desk.

Ukraine watched her brother pour himself another glass of vodka. She knew better than to argue with him about it.

"Just… tell me it's not your blood…"

"It's not my blood," Russia didn't look up from the papers he was signing, reading each one through carefully.

Ukraine bit her lip, worried. She looked back down at the clothes, then up at her brother. Silently, she carried the clothes to the laundry basket and dropped them in. She looked back at Ivan.

The soft morning light streaming in through the window behind him made the giant country look angelic, his almost white-blonde hair practically glowing. The sun kissed his broad shoulders, covered by the grey tee-shirt he almost always wore under the coat. He looked up at his sister, noticing her staring out of the corner of his violet eyes.

"What?" he asked, confused.

"Nothing," Ukraine sighed, shaking her head, "It's nothing."

Russia stood, walking up to her, putting his hands on her shoulders, turning her face towards his gently, kindly, "What is it Kotyonok (little kitten)? You seem upset…"

Ukraine smiled up at him sadly, shaking her head again, "Nyet, I'm all right. I'm just worried about you."

Russia smiled at her, "I'm just fine, don't worry. Just, some of the imports from America are becoming difficult…"

"You two aren't exactly getting along…" Ukraine bit her lip again, looking away.

"Nyet. We're not. But we're both alive. For now."

"Don't talk like that!" Ukraine looked up at him, scared.

"I won't fire first. I promise."

"Why would you fire at all!?" Ukraine pushed him away, "Why do you hurt people!? You didn't used to! Just now, looking at you, you almost look like I remember you! Why do you hurt them? Why do you hurt the others? You locked up Bela and you won't tell me why! You nearly beat Lithuania to death again! You even hit Latvia… and you've never hit me! Not once! Why are you doing this? What's happened to you!? You've become a monster and…" Ukraine hugged him tightly, sobbing on his shoulder.

Russia stood stunned for a moment, not hugging back. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around his big sister, resting his cheek against her hair, "You think I'm a monster…?" he whispered, his voice fragile.

She looked up at him, brushing his hear back from his pained eyes, "Nyet," she shook her head with a sigh, "Not really… but… what you're doing to them… why?"

"I'm just trying to help them… please Katya… please try to understand. They need to learn to be stronger. They need to learn their places here. I am in charge. I am the one who has to protect them. Without me they would have died after the war, it's my responsibility to keep them safe, even from themselves and each other. I know my teaching may seem harsh to some, but it's not. I don't want to do to them what General Winter used to do to me… us-"

"It was never as bad for us. We were the girls… but you…" Ukraine broke in, looking up into her brother's face again. Her heart ached to look at him. He barely looked like himself anymore. His eyes were different. So similar, so close to who he was before the revolution…but different, still different. She knew she would ever see his eyes without pain again. Hers filled up with tears at the thought. He brushed them away from her cheek gently as they fell.

"Katyensh'ka…" He whispered kindly, pulling her into a tighter hug, being careful not to accidentally hurt her. He sometimes forgot how strong he was.

"Vanya, please…" she looked up at him again, "Stop hurting them… please…"

Russia sighed, shaking his head, "I can't. Pain is a good teacher. They learn quickly that way, you know that… 'Pain teaches what words cannot: obedience'." Russia looked back at her.

Ukraine looked down, "Did General Winter say that to you…?"

"He never did to you?" Russia looked surprised.

Ukraine shook her head, "Never. He almost never hit me, or Natya…"

Russia smiled gently, "I'm glad he didn't… but he is right. Pain is a good teacher…"

"And what about the one inflicting the pain?" Ukraine looked up at him again, hurt, angry, tears streaming down her cheeks as she didn't try to keep them back, "You're going to destroy yourself… do you want to be like General Winter? Do you really want that? Truly?" She brushed the tears away from her face, wrapping her arms around her brother again, keeping her eyes fixed on his face.

Russia sighed, looking away, closing his eyes, "I don't want to be like him… but I have to be. He leads with a strong arm. Maybe too strong. But my bosses like him. I have to listen to both of them. It's up to me to keep the other nations under control, and so I will, even if it means I have to hurt them." Russia looked into her eyes, "Please try to understand…"

"And what about you!? What about your heart? Your… soul?" She pressed her fingers into his arms, worried, trying to keep his attention.

Russia looked away again, sighing deeply, he pulled her hands away from his arms, walking back towards his desk, "General Winter took care of those a long time ago… it doesn't bother me anymore." He didn't know if he was lying, not that it mattered.

Ukraine walked up to him again, laying her hand on his chest, right over where she knew the long deep cut from General Winter's knife had left her brother scarred, "Does it still hurt?"

Russia sighed, nodding, "Sometimes, yes," he wasn't sure why he told the truth. Now she would only worry more.

"I'm sorry… I wish I could fix it," Ukraine covered her face with her hands, sobbing.

Russia wrapped her in a hug again, letting her lean against his shoulder, "I've got you. Always. I promise…" He kissed her hair gently, lovingly, "And I'm still your favorite little brother, right?"

Ukraine looked up, laughing a little, brushing away her tears, "You're my only little brother," she smiled faintly.

"So I'm your favorite?" Russia smiled.

Ukraine nodded, "Yeah. My favorite."

Russia smiled, "Khorosho!" he let go of her and went to sit back down at his desk again.

"Oh!" Ukraine took a few quick steps forward towards her brother, "Your scarf has blood on it, let me-" She reached for it.

Ukraine froze as her brother's hand caught her wrist tightly enough to make her squeak with pain. She gasped as he turned, raising his hand to strike her before stopping himself. She saw his eyes flash with anger, then confusion, then horror at his own actions.

"Katya, I…" He let go of her wrist instantly, taking it gently. He'd gripped tight enough that it would most likely leave a bruise in the shape of his hand around her wrist, "I'm so sorry…"

Ukraine looked up at him, anger and pain in her face, "What's happened to you…?" She pulled her wrist away from him, "I'm sorry…" She turned, walking towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Russia's tone changed to one of severity. One he rarely used with Ukraine.

"I'm going to go let Bela out of her prison cell downstairs!" Ukraine turned to Russia again, angry.

"No you're not," Russia took a step forward, "Bela isn't stable. You can't let her out. I have to deal with her first."

"'Deal with her'? How? Are you going to teach her like you teach Lithuania? IS she coming back with bruises on her face?" She pressed herself against the door, looking at her brother, trying to be brave.

Russia didn't step forward. He'd never seen his sister's eyes hold fear when she looked at him before, "Are you… are you afraid of me…?" he whispered, his voice almost catching.

Ukraine didn't answer, just kept her eyes fixed on his for a moment. "I have to go. I won't let Bela out… but I'm going to bring her food and water…" her lip trembled. She bit it to hide the tears.

Russia nodded, "That's acceptable. Please… please, you don't have to be afraid of me hurting her. I won't hit her. I promise. I'm just… I need to teach her a few things…"

"With your pipe?" Ukraine trembled, surprised at her own bravery.

Russia sighed, shaking his head, "Nyet. Nyet, I won't hurt her. I just need to talk to her, that's all."

Ukraine looked at him steadily, forcing herself to keep her eyes fixed on his, "Promise me you won't hurt her."

"I won't-"

"Say you promise!"

Russia sighed, looking into her face. Did she doubt him so much? "I promise I won't hurt her." He smiled sadly, frowning. Her reactions upset him. Why was she afraid of him? He wouldn't hurt her. He would never hurt her.

"Y-Your scarf…" Ukraine said timidly, looking down.

Russia sighed, unwrapping it. He was wearing the bandages still. He wouldn't give up his secret to her. She wasn't strong enough. She wouldn't understand… He handed his scarf to her, pushing her hair behind her ear, planting a brotherly kiss on her head, "Spasiba," he whispered, smiling down at her as she looked up. "Now, you should get Bela that food and water," he nodded.

Ukraine smiled, nodding back. She turned to the hamper and grabbed it, carrying it out of the room.

Russia turned, looking back at his desk. So much work. So many things left to do. He sat back down in the old, creaky chair he refused to get rid of and pulled out another bottle of vodka.

A/N: Russia in one of the few sane moments he has... a few of you have been asking me for more Ukraine... so here you go. I'm not confident writing her at all. I'm an oldest sister, so I tried to pull from that some. She's a 'voice-of-reason' type I think, which is why she hasn't been in the story much. She's trying so hard to help her baby brother... poor dear. She's in way over her head. And he probably would have slapped her there if she'd actually managed to grab his scarf... he's a liiiiiiiiitle protective of it. (and we all know why...but even more on that later). Hopefully this is satisfying for all of you. Gil is going to show up again soon. He's been dealing with battles in his own mind... *sigh* poor Gil... you know what? Just poor EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE... *hugs them all* Anyway, I thought it was important to get another glimpse into Russia's mind... especially when he's sane...

Reviews are deeply appreciated as always! I love reading them! And replying to you guys! And talking about history and politics, and all that good stuff! :D :D :D Reviewers are given cookies and lemonaide and deliscious deliscious tea! XD ;)

Songspiration for this chapter: Behind Blue Eyes (the Janet Devlin Cover, it's the best version of the song IMHO...) I listened to it while writing this whole chapter.