After an agonizingly long week of avoiding Kara, Lena arrived at the dining hall early, frustrated at the way her heart stuttered when she recognized the blonde ponytail sitting at an empty table.

"Hey," she said in a causal voice, setting her bowl down.

"Hey!" Kara looked thrilled to see her and stood up to give her a hug. "You're coming to the party, right?"

"Dunno." Shuffling into her seat, Lena shot a look to the next table over. Elizabeth was sitting with her friends and raised her eyebrows at Lena but didn't say anything.

"Don't mind her," Kara said, waving. To Lena's shock, Elizabeth waved back and Kara lowered her voice. "She's been a lot more bearable ever since I pinned her to a wall at Mike's house."

"Ever since you—what?" Lena almost choked on her cereal.

"Not in a sexy way," Kara explained quickly, patting her on the back. "In a, she wouldn't tell me where you'd gone and I got pissed, that kind of way."

"Oh," Lena said shortly. There didn't seem to be anything else to say and they ate in silence for a while.

"So are you coming? You don't have to bring me anything," Kara added. "It's in the city. Midtown."

"This surprise party you don't want?"

Kara sighed, the words sounding heavy in her mouth. "Mike's all about surprise parties. And commitment. I'm not a fan of either, but I love him."

"You're not a fan of commitment?" Lena snorted, lightening the mood. It was scary, how easily she fell into conversation with Kara.

"What? I'm not!" Kara laughed, her teeth flashing with a smile.

Lena laughed with her. How did Kara not see how ridiculous that statement was? "You have tattoos. You've been dating the same guy for two years. Those things both scream 'commitment' to me," she said almost triumphantly.

"Whatever. We get it, you're a genius. So are you coming or not?"

"If you want me there," Lena said with very little conviction.

"Of course I want you there, you're my best friend." Kara's excitement made her look back down at her breakfast, trying to ignore the pang in her heart at the word 'friend'. She half-listened to Kara chatter about previous birthdays, her eyes locked on Kara's mouth. She had already bought her a gift the day before, a watch that Kara had commented on during one of their very first trips to the mall.

For a regular person it was an inordinately expensive gift. For Lena, it was barely enough to warrant the text her mother sent her—a picture of the invoice and a biting comment about her wearing cheap accessories.

She had a keen eye for fashion, having been raised by someone with the interest and the means to keep up with the constantly changing trends. Kara tended to wear larger watches that were closer to men's fashion than women's, and Lena had filed that information away for a day it would be useful.

"That's such a pretty watch." Kara pointed at the glass casing and Lena followed her finger to a Cartier that she recognized from a fashion show.

"The 42mm Ronde Solo de Cartier?"

"Of course you'd know that." Kara elbowed her playfully. "Yeah. With the blue face. It's one of my favorites."

"Favorites?" An idea was forming in her mind and Lena pushed it aside, following Kara along the display.

"Uh huh," the blonde nodded enthusiastically. "If I had a million dollars, all the watches I'd buy. My father used to collect watches. I have a few, but there are still some that I want to own someday." She named a few more, all of them expensive, then turned to Lena with a wistful grin. "Here's hoping in ten years I'll have made enough money to buy at least one of them."

"I'm sure you will," Lena said confidently.

"Surprise!"

Kara jumped back theatrically and laughed, putting a hand to her chest. "Oh my god, you guys!"

"Happy birthday!"

Sitting in the middle of the Times Square Hard Rock Cafe, Lena felt more at home and simultaneously more uncomfortable than she thought possible. She hadn't been this close to the Luthor mansion in months, but Kara was a strong reminder of the changes she'd undergone since she'd left its cold hallways behind.

"Lena is my first wife. Thomas, you can be my second." Kara pointed a fry at the boy who was sticking his tongue out at her.

"Why am I the second? I've known you longer."

"True, but Lena's ten times hotter." Kara shrugged. "I don't make the rules."

"Here's my gift." Mike chose that moment to interrupt, kissing Kara with great gusto. Lena buried herself in fries as Kara unwrapped the box and almost choked when she saw what it was.

Mike had gotten her a watch.

It was slim, clearly a women's watch, and she felt her heart contract. Mike had gotten her a watch.

Of course he did, they've been dating for years. He knows she loves watches.

How was she supposed to give Kara her gift with a shred of dignity now? It would look like she'd copied her boyfriend, bought something she knew Kara had at least a vague interest in, and slapped a bow on it.

Kara thanked him profusely and slipped the box into her purse, turning her attention back to the food. Everyone was laughing and the food kept coming, and Lena almost forgot her worry in the hubbub.

Things took a gut-wrenching turn when they got to their air bnb.

Mike had filled the rooms with as much alcohol as could fit in a pickup truck and he started handing out drinks, turning up the music. "It's your seventeenth birthday! Do a shot, babe!"

"I'm good," Kara said in a polite voice, firmly pushing his hand away. He already stank of tequila and she met Lena's gaze across the room. The brunette had said very little since they'd left the restaurant and she wanted to find out what was bothering her, not listen to Mike's loud yelling in her ear.

Mike followed her eyes and said the dumbest possible thing of the night. "It's either you or her!" He stumbled over and dragged Lena to the center of the room where a circle was forming. "Best friends! One of you takes a shot, the other one can watch."

"What kind of twisted—Mike, that's ridiculous." Kara looked extremely uncomfortable and Lena tried to escape the knot of people but they were everywhere. "We're not doing this." She was looking at the tiny glass in her boyfriend's hand like it was a rattlesnake and Lena felt her heart pang with sympathy.

"I'll do it," she said in a small voice, feeling like a child and Lillian was forcing her to talk to a business man she had no interest in. It was the wrong thing to say, because Mike turned on her with a vengeful look in his eyes.

"Oh, yeah? You think you can take it?" He advanced on Lena, a large, hulking mass of a quarterback and on instinct she shrunk back. "Come on, Lena. Let's see you come between me and Kara again."

"Mike, stop it!" Kara sounded frantic, her eyes fastened on the look of terror on Lena's face. "You're scaring her."

"Good." He took another step forward and she tripped backwards, landing on top of someone who just shoved her back towards Mike. "Maybe she'll take me seriously."

"What are you talking about?" Lena's voice shot up an octave and she watched Mike top the shot off with growing trepidation. Her heart was racing in her chest and she tried to stop her hands from shaking, clenching them in fists at her sides. This was clearly about more than just one drink. There was an underlying ire to his stance and she was getting more and more nervous the closer he got. Lillian had hit her plenty of times but she had the feeling it would seem like a joke compared to what Mike was capable of.

Kara was tugging at her boyfriend's arm but he was unstoppable, and she was no match for over two hundred pounds of muscle.

"You two, always hanging out. Never making time for me," he snarled. A mix of spit and beer hit Lena in the face and she flinched, her eyes closing. Her heart tried to jump out of her chest with the adrenaline coursing through her, and her stomach clenched at Kara's next words.

"Jesus, Mike, I'll do it. Don't be an ass."

And before Lena could object, Kara was gritting her teeth, seizing the shot glass and tilting her head back.

She coughed as the tequila burned her throat and something in Mike shifted because his lips twitched up in a wide grin, the exuberance of a drunk shining through. "I knew you could do it! Try another one."

With a pained grimace, Kara took the second glass, her eyes locking with Lena's. There was a desperation in them, like she hated what she was doing but couldn't find another way out of it, and Lena's guts twisted as she did a second, then third shot, the crowd cheering her on.

This was wrong. This was all wrong. Mike, pressuring Kara into drinking, Kara doing it because of her. The sheer revulsion Lena felt at Mike's behavior made her brave and she slapped a fourth glass out of his hand, the liquid splashing to the ground. Kara looked relieved and Lena mustered up the courage to square her shoulders.

"That's enough," she said, her voice emulating Lillian's commanding tone. Everyone near her took a step back, shooting her wary looks.

The bizarre insistence from earlier seemed to have been drowned out by beer and Mike just shrugged, turning his attention on Thomas. "Keg stand?"

The crowd roared its approval as Lena slipped away, taking Kara with her into an empty bedroom.

It turned out Kara Danvers was a lightweight.

Within 30 minutes she was a mess and Lena kept having to prop her up. She would giggle every time, amused with the way Lena would say, "Come on, Kara. You're killing me here."

At least she was a happy drunk.

"Lee?" Kara's fingers were sifting through her hair and Lena couldn't find it in her to deny her friend the simple pleasure she was getting out of it. And fine, maybe she was enjoying the feeling despite the situation, Kara's fingers brushing through the long, dark strands in a way that made her scalp tingle.

"Yes?" She sighed, sitting in a more comfortable position.

"You're my favorite person." As though seeing her for the first time that night, Kara's eyes focused on her then lit up. "You came to my birthday party!" Lowering her volume with a wince, she put her head in her hands. "Why do people drink? This feels horrible."

The noise of the party reached them even through the door and Kara groaned. Lena watched her carefully, unsure of what to do.

"I can get you some water?"

Kara shook her head slowly. "This party sucks. I hate this, I hate this. I shouldn't be here, not like this."

Lena grabbed her hands and knelt down, sadness and worry etched in every line of her face. "Do you want to leave?"

Kara physically recoiled at the implication. "I can't drive." Her voice was small and nervous and Lena stroked her palm in what she hoped was a soothing manner.

"I'll get a car—"

"I can't, I have to be the one driving." Kara was starting to slur her words and she clutched at Lena's hands with a fierce desperation. "I have to drive but I can't drive." A note of hysteria entered her voice and she started laughing frantically, uncontrollably. "I can't drive because I'm drunk. I'm drunk! Of all people, after my entire family died, I—"

"Kara. Kara, listen to me." Lena's voice broke through her high-pitched giggles, a pleading look on her face. "Do you trust me?"

After a moment of hesitation, Kara nodded, her eyes wide.

"Good." Lena blew out a breath and reached for her purse, her fingers brushing the Cartier box as she searched for her phone.

"Don't go," Kara pleaded, her arm stretching as Lena stood up.

"I'm not going anywhere," Lena assured her. "I'll be right here." Kara didn't let go of her and she sat back down, afraid of wrenching her friend's shoulder. The phone rang at her ear and she rubbed Kara's back as the blonde sunk into her side, her tequila breath washing over Lena.

"James? I need a favor."

Pulling Kara up again, Lena ran a hand through her hair. "Okay, he's coming in a few minutes. We need to get outside, is Mike going to stop you?"

"Can I drive?" Kara asked, a horribly confused look on her face that broke Lena's heart.

"No, you can't," Lena said gently, trying to open the door with one hand. Kara was leaning heavily on her and it made the simple task five times more challenging.

"I have to drive." Kara's voice was groggy and Lena had a hell of a time getting her downstairs. Thankfully, Mike was too busy downing beers somewhere to even notice they'd gone and they were sitting on the curb when the black SUV drove up.

"Lee, I can't," Kara protested as she helped her into the back seat. "I'm supposed to be up front, I haven't sat in the back since my brother died—I—"

James closed the door and cast her a worried look.

"Ms. Luthor, is everything alright?"

All her attention was taken up by Kara, who was practically hyperventilating in the seat next to her. "Sure, it's grand," she said shortly. "Take us to the Four Seasons on 57th street."

James started driving and Lena's frown deepened; Kara looked like she was seconds away from a full-blown panic attack.

"Breathe, Kara, breathe. It'll be okay." She rubbed circles on Kara's back but they didn't seem to be helping and she felt the logical side of her brain kicking into gear.

No time for emotions now, not with Kara having a meltdown in her arms.

"I can't breathe, I can't—" Kara was choking, putting a hand on her heaving chest. "What if we crash and I—I can't watch you die, too. I can't, I can't, I can't—"

What was it she'd seen on TV?

One of the ways to stop a panic attack was to hold your breath.

It would be so easy. Kara was already in her arms.

Lena grabbed the blonde's collar and pulled, crashing their lips together and effectively cutting off the panicked stream of rambling.

Hold your breath, hold your breath, hold your breath.

It was nothing like she'd imagined. Not that she'd ever admit to imagining it, but in the weak moments when she'd thought about kissing Kara, it was never like this.

It never would have been in the back of her mother's car.

Kara wasn't supposed to taste like alcohol.

And she never would have done it without asking, for Christ's sake.

So she was more than a little surprised when Kara's lips parted after a few seconds, the blonde pushing forward with drunken enthusiasm, her knee slotting the space between Lena's legs. Neither of them had their seat belts on and they tumbled back onto the leather, Kara's mouth chasing hers.

Holy shit.

A wildfire was raging through her chest and settling somewhere between her legs. Kara's vanilla smell was wreathing around them and Lena couldn't stop the shiver that rippled through her body when Kara moaned into her mouth.

Oh my god, oh my god—

"Ms. Luthor." James cleared his throat loudly. "Four seasons."

Pulling herself away with a gasp, Lena looked up

"Thank you," she said hoarsely, not looking at Kara. Dragging her friend out of the car, she hurried to the front desk.

"Can I help you?" The man behind the counter eyed her with disdain. Lena didn't blame him; they must be quite a sight. Her shirt was hanging off one shoulder and Kara, drunk as she was, couldn't look any better.

"I need a room. Two beds, please."

"I'm sorry, miss, the minimum age is—" His eyes widened when she slid her credit card on the counter and he paled significantly.

"I said I need a room." Her tone left no room for argument.

"Of course, Ms. Luthor. I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you." He started clicking around on his computer, holding the card between a thumb and forefinger like her mother might come out of it and slap him.

She knew the feeling.

"Ninth floor, room 905." He pointed to the elevator with barely concealed curiosity as she fumbled with her purse. "Do you need anything else?"

Pressing a twenty into his hand, she glared at him. "Yes. Don't tell anyone I was here."

The elevator ride up was silent. Kara leaned her head on Lena's shoulder and the brunette tried to get her disorganized thoughts in line.

She had just kissed Kara Danvers.

Kara Danvers had just kissed her back.

The reality of the situation was she had done what she had to.

The feeling of the situation was her poor, rejected heart doing back flips at how soft Kara's lips had been. Her immediate, militant response was to shut the feelings away, bury the memory of the kiss and pretend it never happened. Her heart chose that moment to override her brain, aching in her chest and trying to replicate Kara's heartbeat when she was pressed against her in the back of the car.

Her dream came crashing down when, after pushing open the door to a large, lavish room, Kara flopped down on the bed.

"Where's Mike?" she asked, a dazed look in her eyes.

Mike. The reason Kara's drunk in the first place, that rat bastard.

"You wanted to leave the party, remember?" Lena ducked into the bathroom and fixed her hair, running a finger over her still-tingling lips. This can't be happening.

"Oh. Right." Kara sounded annoyed and Lena padded back out to see what the problem was. Her friend was sitting on the bed, Mike's present to her in her hands. She was turning the box over and over like it held some sort of secret, her brow furrowed. "Is this it?" Her enthusiasm had visibly dimmed since mentioning his name.

Wordlessly, Lena opened the box and took out the watch.

Kara stared at it for a second before saying something very unladylike and throwing it across the room. It hit the wall with a crack of plaster and metal, and Lena covered her mouth with her hands.

"Kara..."

"I hate it," the blonde said stubbornly. "I fucking knew he was going to get me that watch. That's the same watch he got me for our first year anniversary and I hate it."

"Why do you hate it so much?" Lena fought the urge to pick it up off the ground. Twisted satisfaction and regret warred in her and the satisfaction won; the watch stayed on the ground by the trash can.

"Veronica," Kara said simply. She still sounded a little drunk and Lena looked up from taking her bra off. "The night she—I was wearing it, when he walked in on us."

"Kissing?" Feeling guilty, Lena pressed the topic, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Kara never talked about Veronica but the alcohol had loosened something in her and she nodded. "It was more than that. A lot more. But he only barged in at the end. And then I threw that watch away."

"What was she like?" Jealousy shot through her at the way Kara's eyes lit up and she turned away, kicking her shoes off.

"Oh, man, you would've loved her! She was so cool and pretty and she always made me laugh, and her hair was just perfect," Kara said dreamily, staring into space. "And when she kissed me, it was like parts of me came alive that I didn't know existed and everything else faded away."

"She sounds great," Lena said shortly. Why had she even asked? Christ, she was so stupid.

"Kind of like when you kissed me," Kara said bluntly.

The words brought Lena's brain to a screeching halt. "I only did that because you were having a panic attack." The words sounded hollow even to her own ears and she slid Kara's glasses off with a shaking hand.

"I liked it." The confidence was gone and Kara's voice turned shy. "Will you sleep with me?"

"What?" Lena sputtered, jerking back. Her cheeks flushed and she searched Kara's face for an explanation.

"Not like that. I'm tired." Kara held her arms out and Lena hesitated.

"There's two beds."

Kara smiled at her innocently. "Yeah, but sharing one will be warmer."

You're digging yourself one hell of a hole, Luthor. You do this and there is absolutely no going back.

But it was Kara, and she couldn't say no, so she walked over as slowly as possible and carefully slid under the covers.

Kara wasn't having any of it. The second Lena was horizontal she turned her over and wrapped her arms around Lena's waist.

Feeling insanely self-conscious, Lena held her breath and sucked her stomach in but Kara didn't seem to care, too busy pressing her cheek in the space between Lena's shoulder blades.

"You smell so good," she hummed, her fingers finding Lena's and winding them together. "I think I'm in love with you."

Holy hell.

A minute later, Kara was snoring quietly in blissfully ignorant slumber, leaving Lena with panic twisting her insides. She could feel every point of contact between them like her senses were heightened—Kara's arm burning against her ribs, the even, warm puffs of breath hitting her back, their legs intertwined even though both of them were wearing jeans.

Resigning herself to an all-nighter, Lena slid her phone out, careful not to jostle Kara's arm. Opening the eBook of A Tale of Two Cities, she started reading, not missing how alike she and Sydney Carton were.

He was a cynical, self-loathing man who felt a deep, unrequited love for a woman that brought out the best in him. It hit a little too close to home, and she closed her eyes for a moment, the painful tightness in her heart too much for her to bear.

Lena woke up at 3 in the morning with an annoyed grunt, her face pressed into the pillow. She couldn't get comfortable for the life of her, and squeezed her eyes shut in frustration.

A second later she became very, very aware of a hot, heavy weight on her back, pushing her into the mattress. Warm air hit the back of her neck and she froze, feeling the thing on top of her shift.

Somehow, she had fallen asleep and somehow, Kara had ended up on top of her.

Her heart was struggling to beat against the chains she quickly lashed around it and a strange pressure was settling below her gut, but she forced herself to hold still, praying that Kara would move.

A stressful, slow 20 minutes passed, then some merciful god took pity on her because Kara rolled off her and let out a quiet noise that melted Lena's heart. It melted her bones along with it when Kara whispered her name.

"Lena?"

Paralyzed, Lena breathed out a barely audible "Yeah?" but Kara had already lapsed back into sleep.

Her anxiety only heightened when the blonde pulled Lena to her front, her arms wrapping in an almost-too-tight way around her chest. Every cell in Lena's body screamed at her to get up and go over to the other bed, but her muscles didn't obey. She was putty in Kara's arms and was tired of fighting the confusing feelings that took up most of her concentration, so she let herself be held for the first time in a long time, knowing Kara wouldn't remember it in the morning.

She wasn't sure if she was happy about that.

Kara was the most confusing part of her life right now. Not her mother, not the weekly voicemails her brother left her from prison, but their supposed-to-be-easy friendship. She had admitted, out loud, how she felt about her friend and Kara had rejected her—but the way she was acting wasn't the way someone acted when they found out you liked them.

You weren't supposed to climb into bed with someone after telling them you didn't feel the same way. You weren't supposed to tell them they were your favorite person, or make jokes about them being your wife. You weren't supposed to make up reasons for taking their picture. You certainly weren't supposed to keep taking your shirt off in front of them, even if it was just to return it.

Lena was tired of always waiting for something to happen, for the crackling tension between them to amount to something more—and it had finally come to a head, with Kara's lips on hers and fingers in her hair.

But Kara had been drunk, and Lena felt like she had been robbed. She wanted Kara to want to kiss her. She wanted her feelings validated, she wanted her feelings returned, she wanted to stop feeling guilty and out of place, a square peg in a round hole.

She wanted a lot of things.

oof. this is based off something that happened to me, but i was kara in this situation and it was a gay disaster