Fairy Cats: Fairy Tail of Dead Caaaaats!

In which we find out whats going on. (no cats were harmed in the making of this one shot)

Lucy was losing it. Everywhere she went, cats were following her.

They assaulted her in the park. They attacked her purse in line at her favorite hot dog vender. They swiped at her fingers and stole her pens every chance they got. And they weren't being nice. Even the nice cats she recognized around campus had turned into vicious little hunters, not content until they had tasted her blood. And sometimes, not even then.

She was beginning to think there was some zombie virus affecting the cats on campus, turning their eyes black and giving them a taste for human flesh.

Because it just wasn't normal to have an entire clowder of cats chasing her around campus, right?! RIGHT?!

Yeah, it had been happening for so long now she had looked what a group of cats was called, just so she could describe it most accurately to the campus police. Though, that had kind of backfired. As when she had stepped into their office, exclaiming with shifty eyes that a clowder, or clutter, or glaring (apparently all correct terms for murderous groups of cats) of wild domesticated cats were after her, they had laughed her out.

So Lucy had taken matters into her own hands.

Meaning she was crouched under a stone bridge, just off campus, clutching a full spritz bottle full of water in each hand, surrounded by fluffy carnivorous enemies. She was spraying as quickly as she could, but they just seemed to keep on coming. Running out of water in one of her sprayers, and seeing the other dwindling toward the end, she thrust a hand into her purse and pulled out her phone, selecting Levy quickly from her favorite contacts, just in time to spritz a russet tom with a blue collar who had taken her moment of weakness as an opportunity to go for her bag. He fell back, licking at his paws and using them to get the water from his whiskers.

Happy bumped into Lector playfully, mocking him for his inability to get anywhere near the magical non-cat who smelled so good. If he had been in his right mind, he might have been more upset that all of these other cats had invaded his turf. The blonde, squishy non-cat and her fun pink sticks that smelled like heaven were his! He had marked her first, a week ago, and now every cat he knew was shouldering in on his find.

But when a wave of that delicious odor came over him again, he found all he could think about was getting closer and finding the source of that glorious smell! His favorite non-cat had taken away the pink-stick-toy-thing he had stolen, so he was left to beg and fight for it with the posers that had arrived over the week.

The only one of the group he didn't resent was a cat almost as white and fluffy as he was. She was the beautiful thing he'd ever seen, with a pink bow on her collar, and clearly not a street cat, groomed to perfection. But she had been showing up every day with a black tom who looked like he'd crawled out of an alley. Happy couldn't even get close.

Meanwhile, Lucy had finally gotten ahold of Levy.

"Oh, thank Bast! Levy, you answered! You have got to help me! They're everywhere! I'm surrounded and trapped! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

"Who?! Who's got you surrounded?! Your dad's men? Are they kidnapping you? Are you hurt?! WHERE ARE YOU!?" Levy said back in a panic, dropping what she was doing.

"What? NO! Levy, its the cats! They're everywhere! I can't move and I'm almost out of ammo! I don't know what is going on with them, but I can't seem to shake them! They. Just. Keep. COMING." Lucy was close to tears as her spray bottle sputtered.

Levy chuckled nervously as her eyes slid guiltily to her kitchen counter, where a big bag of catnip and a collection of items from Lucy's apartment sat, not so innocently, glaring at her. It had started when she found the bag of catnip on clearance. It seemed like the perfect, untraceable prank...so she had started with Lucy's pens.

First it was just the cheap Heartfilia Hotels rollerballs that she had opened up and filled with the potent herb. And watching Gajeel's cat stalking her purse every time Levy could lure her over there had been super amusing.

So she had expanded the project, borrowing small articles of clothing (tops, socks, hairties) and putting them in plastic bags with the stuff overnight before inconspicuously returning them to her best friend's apartment.

Then, when that had begun to attract the random cats on campus, she had gone wild, sprinkling it into the pockets of her purse, under the insoles in her shoes, and mixing it into her shampoo.

In hindsight, Levy realized she had probably taken it too far. And now she had put her friend in a dangerous (fucking HILARIOUS), but terrifying position. Guilt swamped her and she bit her lip, trying to figure out a way to help her friend without giving away that this whole dillemma was all her fault...

"Lucy! Listen! Grab anything important from your purse and put it in your pockets or your bra. Then take off your shoes and socks, and throw the purse, shoes and socks as far away from you as you can. When the cats go for the purse, run as fast as you can back to your apartment!"

"What?! Levy! Why would they care about my purse or my shoes?!"

"Lucy, do you want to live?! Just trust me! Do it!"

"OK! I'm doing it. But you're buying me a new purse. And new tennis shoes. These are freakin new!"

"Deal, now do what you've gotta and come home!"

"I need my hand so I'm hanging up. We who are about to die, salute you!"

"Or not…" Levy muttered replying to the famous gladiatorial phrase with the emperor's lesser known response. But Lucy didn't hear it as she hung up the phone. Levy sighed as she heard a chuckle from the doorway behind her, turning to look sheepishly over at Gajeel, who had heard most of the conversation.

"You gonna stop pranking people now?"

Levy pouted, petulantly refusing to admit that her little prank had gotten out of hand. It just made him laugh again, harder this time. He couldn't resist sweeping her up in hug and kissing the top of her head, before grabbing a beer from her recently restocked fridge and heading back into her bedroom, where he had installed a small television he was watching some cooking show on.

Levy started to follow him, but backtracked after a second, sweeping the bag of catnip into the trash and dropping the already catnipped clothing items into her laundry basket.

There. With the evidence against her tucked away, she could spend the afternoon in peace with her boyfriend. Lucy would be fine.

Probably.