The Challenge
Chapter 9
Text Date a Prelude to Wood vs Steel
Saturday Night
OP: I'm not sure this constitutes an actual date.
FG: Oh but it does according to the terms of the agreement. This is number 4 of 5 in the no cost date category. The wedding and the rehearsal dinner count as two.
OP: 4? How do you figure 4?
FG : Let me recap, Costco, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, now this text date.
OP: Hold up, how do the rehearsal and wedding count as dates.
FG: I picked you up and transported you to a location of your choosing and had a free meal. That's a date.
OP: First of all, we agreed to suspend the challenge until after the wedding.
FG: I don't recall a suspension clause in the agreement. Plus the suspension decision was made during the reception, so it only covered a few hours. r u trying to apply the suspension retroactively?
OP: Do you have early onset or something, I distinctly remember us agreeing to suspend the competition for all wedding related events.
FG: So what you're saying is me doing you a solid negatively impacts my date tally.
OP: I wouldn't interpret it in that way.
FG: What other way can I interpret it? Scratching head emoji
OP: I don't think texting constitutes a legitimate date
FG : Yes it does count
OP: How so?
FG: We had plans, however, you waited until the last minute to cancel, claiming to be under the weather
OP: I am feeling poorly
FG: ?
No immediate reply.
OP: Unwell, ill, under the weather, ailing, out of sorts, peaked, qualmish, lousy, in a bad way, afflicted, malfunctioning, subpar, indisposed, laid up, on the sick list
FG: Seriously, ur using a thesaurus. U cancel r date bc of some self-diagnosed unnamed debilitating ailment, yet despite u being in delicate physical state u somehow r able to summon ur limited strength to thumb a dozen alternatives 4 the word sick
OP: Excuse me, I have an extensive vocabulary & rarely use a word aide. & 4 ur information I'm not a thumber I'm an index fingerer
FG: I stand corrected on ur text physicality
OP: Don't forget wordsmith wise as well
FG: Not ready 2 capitulate on that point just yet
OP: Package statement, accept one, accept the whole, it's all tied together
FG: One example does not establish ability Pope
OP: Fine, test me. Even in my weakened state I can articulate, alliterate & prove my point
FG: Weakened state...what exactly is the ailment preventing you from going on r original date. You never said.
OP: Since when are specific disclosures required for illness?
FG: Uh, since always, date declination is limited to exams or papers if you recall. Your clause not mine.
OP: Fine, Aunt Flo showed up early
Fitz knows what she means but can't resist messing with her.
FG: Aunt Flo, I don't remember meeting her. Did she miss the wedding and the birthday?
Is he for real?
OP: Duh, my monthly visitor, my week-long day cramp, I'm on the rag, it's my lady days, I'm nursing the wound of Eve that never heals, it's leak week, crimson curse, time for my discharge from the uterine navy, I have a mudslide in crotch canyon, there's a nosebleed in Australia. Happy now! Men...arrrgh. (irritated emoji)
FG: Okay, okay, don't get all hormonal.
OP: No u did not go there. It's not hormonal, it's justified frustration, anger, & rage! How would u like to bleed every month in your private area & it not be from a wound? See how much joy u find in three to five days of oozing, sloughing off ur inner lining every damn month unless you're pregnant or menopausal. Geez, men r such basic creatures. What added bodily burden do u carry? I'll tell, none! Six angry emojis. Women r grouchy bc men have it easy!
FG: uh, sorry.
OP: I'm not finish, men get a paper cut and think they think they need a transfusion. You get a cold and act like you're dying. You want to be babied, waited on hand and foot, and whine to no end. guys are weaklings when it comes to pain. Anything more than a scrape you all become completely incapacitated. We women suck up our pain and get shit done despite our pain. Okay, end rant.
FG: You're right guys do have it relatively easy. I guess if I was in your shoes I'd be pissed too.
OP: Are you patronizing me?
Okay there is no right answer to this question. I had to goad her, now I'm caught in text quicksand. Every finger tap to the screen draws me in deeper. I'm in waist deep and sinking fast.
FG: No agreeing and empathizing with you
OP: Empathize, u r empathizing with me? You understand what I'm going through & share in my feelings? U can relate to my emotional experience?
Shit, wrong answer. Fitz turns his phone face down, laying it on the bed beside him fearing laser beams will shoot out or some ancient incantation will turn him into stone in seconds if he continues to read.
OP: Really, so you've at some point in ur life had to stick a wad cotton attached to a string up a prominent orifice every few hours for a week to absorb your discharged hemoglobin? So you've experienced being bloated like a cadaver.
Fitz checks his phone. Damn, up to my chest now.
OP: So, you've had ur insides constrict in so much pain you curl into the fetal position screaming 'why" to the heavens? Or you've been hit with waves of pain so intense you can't move & can taste ur own bile.
Damn shoulder deep and no low hanging branch in sight. There's only one answer.
FG: puss in boots sad eyes gif
Olivia laughs, but he had it coming. She loves the gif.
OP: Sorry
FG: it's ok, that's what friends r 4
OP: R we friends?
FG: We're definitely more than friends
OP: We r aren't we
FG: Yes, & it's a good thing
OP: it is a good thing, three smiley emojis
FG: ten beating heart emojis
Blinking pause
OP: Where were u taking me tonight?
FG: a nursing home
OP: ?, Scooby Doo gif
FG: the first Saturday of each month, the animal shelter brings puppies and kittens to nearby nursing homes for pet therapy. We were volunteering 4 a few hours & afterwards the shelter provides a light dinner as a thank u 4 helping out
OP: Mr. Grant, u can be quite amazing sometimes
FG: You bring out the best in me, swooning gif
OP: Do u want to come over? I've medicated myself with chocolate so my T.O.M symptoms r under control; you might even get lucky and get a kiss or two
FG: T.O.M...time of the month?
OP: that is correct
FG: I don't know if I should risk it. you know with you waving the red flag, riding the crimson tide under the rising red moon, while ur sending out a code red bc u have ur thingy and all
Lengthy pause. Three small gray dots blink and blink on the screen in a pattern similar to a computer performing a complex calculation.
OP: OMG, WTH Fitzgerald (three shock face gifs)
FG: I'm no slouch when it comes idiom usage or wordsmithing too
OP: Oh really? Care to add a little wager to our challenge? One that if you win will count for 2 dates
FG: Hmm, you have my attention, proceed
OP: Each year the English dept holds a "Must Exceed Six" synonym competition
FG: Okay, sounds interesting, since u r suggesting we participate in this little contest I can safely assume you don't perceive me a threat
OP: On the contrary, if I've learned anything during this challenge is not to underestimate you
FG: So I get to count the contest as two dates if I win, what do you get if you win?
OP: if you & a partner of your choice win, the contest will count 4 any 2 dates you wish. If me and Abby win, you will admit defeat & end the challenge
FG: How is this a fair wager? 2 dates vs ending the challenge? A fair and equitable wager is one where if I win, I'm declared the challenge winner and entitled to the prize stipulated in the contract
OP: Point taken. It was worth a try.
Olivia wants the challenge to end in order to explore their budding relationship, except her competitive nature wants it to end with her winning.
FG: Tell me more about Must Exceed Six
Blinking dots again, then one word appears
OP: Sagamore
FG: U think I don't know this word
OP: Questioning rather than answering implies you're stalling to look up the word
FG: I'm not stalling, I know it means chief. So is the point to name six chiefs
OP: No, I told you it was a word competition
FG: do I detect a hint of hostility? I thought you said ur TOM symptoms were under control. Is the chocolate wearing off?
OP: middle finger gif
FG: Does ur family know what you do with your index fingers? Madea shaking her head gif
No, he is not going Tyler Perry on me. Knew it was mistake to let him binge watch Madea movies on Netflix.
Olivia switches to FaceTime. The second she sees his crooked smile and those ocean eyes come into view her heart flutters, a happy feeling takes over and a silly involuntary school girl grin spreads across her face. Then she catches herself, stiffens her back and focuses the reason for the call; challenge business.
He whispers "hi." His voice warm and gentle, melts the icy barbs torqued for launch at the tip of Olivia's weaponized tongue. Disarmed, she responds in kind with a soft, playful, equally warm "hi."
They sigh, exhaling in unison. They miss being in each other's company, though they've not expressed it in so many words yet. Neither feels they've reached a comfort level where it's okay to be completely open, although they're always honest with each other. Olivia is still guarded and Fitz senses she's not ready and is still grappling with the direction their relationship has taken.
Olivia knows Fitz's affections are genuine but the challenge always stands between them. In the back of her mind, there is a small protective ever suspicious voice that whispers, "he's only acting this way to gain tactical advantage." She knows it's irrational, she knows she needs to let her heart and rational mind dictate but she can't, at least yet.
"Humph," he huffs surprised.
"What?"
"Based on your texts I expected to see a bloated, messy haired, angry faced Olivia with chocolate stains at the corner of mouth and a ten reasons why I hate men poster hanging behind your bed. But all I can see is the same beautiful you I always see, eyes bright, hair shiny, plump glossy kissable lips and a smile that lifts my spirit. "
"Fitz..." he renders her speechless again. She blushes coyly, her breath hitches and her tampon suddenly serves a secondary purpose.
He loves how he gets her flustered. He finds it adorable just as much as he finds her rapier wit and tongue sexy as hell.
"Is it safe to assume since you've decided alter our text date, the rules for Must Exceed Six are length, complicated or both?"
His question instantly snaps her back to the matter at hand.
"Not really, I simply prefer not to continue typing with two fingers on a small screen where I have to constantly review to make sure the phone spellcheck hasn't completely changed the meaning of my messages."
"Makes sense. Okay, so lay the rules on me."
"The contest takes place at Tony's by Ninth Bar and Grill on 9th Street and the rules are pretty simple. There are three word categories chosen at random. Contestants can choose to stick with one category or pick words from all three. The host draws a word card from the teams chosen category. Once the word is revealed, the team has one minute to come up with as many synonymous words as they can that exceed six letters. The opposing team can do so too if they want to earn extra points."
"Sounds like typical nerd fun."
"Well it's not, it can get kind of raunchy...oh and did I mention, the losing teams in each round have to take tequila shots."
"You should have led with the fact this thing takes place in a bar and involves penalty shots Pope. I'm in. Prepare to be beaten Pope, Stephen and I have got this in the bag."
"Really, well Abby and I are the defending champions."
"Even better Pope. I look forward to taking your crown. Question, is there entry fee?"
"Yes, a $25 cover charge."
"For it to count as a date I have to pay, that's $50 bucks. Our dates can't exceed $30."
"Abby and I aren't charged because we're the defending champs. You and Stephen can split the cover fee and that leaves you $17.50 to feed me."
"Feed you what about me? Am I supposed to bring a sandwich and chips from home?"
"We can meet for happy hour first. If you're nice, I'll share my nachos, wings and dollar margarita with you." Olivia goes silent, she gets a far off look in her eyes as if she's trying to remember something.
"I hear the cogs turning in your head Pope. Spill it."
"What? I'm fine, I have no idea what you're trying to get at. I feel I've left something out. She tapes her temple. Oh, yeah, one more thing. There's a qualifying round to establish the top four teams. Are you familiar with the game Balderdash?"
"Yes, I am, though it has been awhile since I've played it."
"Well I hope you're still in top form because you'll have to convince the bar patrons in order to land in the top four and compete against me and Abby."
"Oh trust me, I'm very good at fabricating a credible lexicon. I once had my organic chemistry professor believing saprogenic was a new subcategory of mutated compounds lacking covalent bonds found at extreme ocean depths where thick pockets or clumps of toxic waste accumulate."
Damn, Olivia thinks. He is good.
"Impressive, I look forward to a real Battle Royale. Not toot my own horn but I once had to do a presentation in my anthropology class on April 1st, you know April fool's day. Well the professor was a drunken jerk, so I decided I was going to prove him not only a drunken jerk but an incompetent pervert to boot. The title of my presentation was Anthropologic Ekistics, the Evolution and Use of the Kiss in Primitive and Advanced Societal Greetings, Rituals, Rites of Passage, Mating Habits and its Devolution into a Form of Pornographic Deviance."
"Now I'm impressed. Ekistics the study of kissing. What grade did he give you?"
"A B- because I failed to cite specific deviant behavioral types."
"He never found out?"
"No, he did at the end of the semester when I went to the department head to get my grade changed. I did write a real presentation on ekistics which is the study of human settlements. It actually turned out well for both of us. I got an A+ in the course and he checked into rehab and got his act together-win, win."
A loud pregnant pause marks the break in their conversation. In barely noticeable increments, Fitz's face changes from a mischievous grin to an expressionless stare. He's thinking, hesitant to bring up the subject they've both been avoiding. He decides now is as good a time as any to bite the bullet.
Olivia has one leg dangling down her bedside and one tucked in front of her. Nervous, she taps her dangling foot against the air. She's thinking bringing up the kiss presentation was a big mistake.
"Olivia, speaking of kisses, we need to talk." His grin is back and with a sparkle of hope in his eyes.
Olivia swallows hard. It's now or never. Time to quell the tiny voice and leap with her heart.
"I'd very much like to demonstrate some of the greetings and mating habits I learned during my research."
"I'll be right over and I hope your demonstration includes examples of an advanced society's kissing devolution."
AN:
As promised here is my second story update.
I hoped you enjoyed this prelude to wood v steel. Can you guess the premise for wood v steel?
Did you like Olivia's little rant on the monthly visitor? Poor Fitz I bet next time he has it in his to goad Olivia he'll think twice.
Fun fact- There is an actual field of study for kissing. It's called philematology.
Saprogenic means causing or produced by decay.
As always review, favorite and follow to let me know you're out there and interested.
BTW to grammar and text variations in the texting section was intentional. Are you a thumber of an index fingerer?
Have a great week. I'm working on Scent of His Woman, And What Has it Gotten Me and Desert Princess. No official ETA yet.