"Callie, where are you going?" Stef asked. Stef hadn't slept that night and once Lena had fallen asleep she had crept downstairs with a blanket, a book, and a cup of coffee. She had been trying to read yet it seemed like more often than not she was just turning the pages. Around ten in the morning Callie came down dressed in jeans and a jacket.
"I told Daphnie I would go to the diner and have breakfast with her," Callie said as she threw on her backpack.
"Not today, Love. Once Momma wakes up we're all going to the hospital," Stef said sitting up a little, "Come sit by me."
"No, I promised I would go, I'll head to the hospital later," Callie said opening the door.
"Callie, I said No," Stef said firmly, trying to keep her tone in check.
"You're not my mother," Callie said as she started stomping up the stairs.
"Don't wake your Momma," Stef hissed. All noises stopped, and then a tiptoeing up the stairs.
Stef sat back and closed her eyes. The emotions were giving her backlash. Her own emotions, her wife's, her oldest daughter's. It would be easier somehow if she believed in God or some other higher power, Stef mused to herself. At one time she believed in God. But now, she couldn't. She couldn't believe in something that made her gay, and then ostracized her for it, something that let parents abandon children, and something that was taking away her sweet boy, who she was convinced was going to change the world one day.
"Stef?" The quite voice pulled her from her thoughts. She looked at her daughter, she was out of her jeans and into a pair of fuzzy PJ pants and a short t-shirt.
"Hi, My Love, come sit by me," she said, scooting over.
Callie ignored her and sat on one of the chairs, "I can't go with out guys," she said softly, looking at her hands, "I can't watch you kill him."
Stef's heart clentched, "You understand, Cals, don't you? He's brain de-"
"I know what brain death is," Callie said sharply, before going soft again, "But I can't watch you kill him. Not when it's all my fault."
"Baby," Stef breathed as her heart clenched, reaching for her.
"Don't," Callie said sharply, standing up quickly and running. Stef closed her eyes, obviously she did that wrong. She jumped when the ack door slammed. Walking over she found Callie sitting on the edge of the porch, strumming on her guitar. And Stef decided to just leave her for the moment. Going into the kitchen she pulled out a carton of eggs, a thing of sausage, some cheese, and tortillas. She wasn't hungry but she knew Lena wouldn't let them not eat.
"Good morning."
Stef looked over to see Lena wrapped in her robe, her curls unruly as she walked towards her, kissing Stef on the cheek as she grabbed the tomatoes and a cutting board, starting to chop them.
"Morning, Love," Stef replied softly.
They worked silently side by side to get breakfast done. It felt weird to Lena, not weird exactly, she and Stef were never silent when they cooked together, and the silence upstairs was too open, too loud. The silence next to her wife, felt comfortable, easing up the weight on her chest.
"Morning, Slug-a-bug," Lena said, they were setting the stuff for breakfast burritos on the table when Callie walked in the house.
"morning," Callie replied offhandedly as she set her guitar on it's stand and joining the family at the table, 'the foster family,' Callie chastised herself in her mind, this was never going to be her family. Even if Robert Quinn would sign the abandonment papers, they wouldn't want to adopt her, not now. Not without Jude.
"So, everyone needs to be ready to go in a half hour," Stef said as she picked at her plate, "B I want you to drive the van jut in case."
"K," he replied, not looking up.
"Does anyone have any questions?" Lena asked as she looked around the table at her family, "about anything that's happening today?"
"What will happen? When they turn off the machines?" Mariana asked in a whisper.
Lena closed her eyes to gain her composure from the question, "Once we turn off the machines Jude will stop breathing, because the machine isn't doing it for him, and within the span of a minute or two his heart will stop beating."
"Will it hurt? Will he be scared?" Jesus asked.
"The doctors will make sure he's in no pain, and we can all be there, he'll be surrounded by his family. He won't be scared," Stef assured.
"Maybe Coleen will be there, waiting for him," Mariana said, looking over at Callie.
"That's a nice thought. Maybe," Lena answered softly.
"Ok, guys, upstairs to get ready," Stef said as an uncomfortable silence fell over all of them. Stef and Lena watched as three of the four kids walked upstairs.
"Callie?" Stef asked, as she watched her stay seated, "Did you want to ask something, Love?" she asked as she slipped into a stool next to Callie.
"I want to sing to him," she said softly.
"Ok," Stef nodded.
"When they turn the machines off. There's a song I used to sing to him all the time... When foster parents... When things got bad... I didn't realize then that it was about dying... Not until about a year ago. I just, it's our song."
"It's ok, Love, I promise, you can do whatever you want," Stef said, refraining from trying to hold Callie, content with the fact that she was talking a little to her without running, "Go get dressed, OK? And then we'll get going."
Callie nodded, sliding off her stool and heading upstairs. Stef looked over at Lena who had tears in her eyes. Stef was dressed herself but Lena was still in her robe, "Do you want me to go upstairs with you?" she asked softly.
Lena shook her head, "I'm fine," she said, turning quickly, "Stay down here for the kids. I'll keep an eye and ear upstairs and you keep one down here."
Stef agreed and started to clean up the breakfast mess. It wasn't until one that afternoon that they got to the hospital. As Stef came to a stop in the parking lot she looked through her rear view mirror. The boys had taken the van, and Callie and Mariana sat huddled in the back seat. She wished she could see her wife, but she had gone with the boys, "alright, Loves, lets get inside," she said, breaking the silence. Callie gripped her guitar hard as they climbed out of the car, falling easily into a group with the rest of the family who had parked just a ways away.
"Stay here while we talk to the nurse really quickly," Stef said as they stood outside of ICU. The kids watched as Stef and Lena walked through the doors.
"Jude's had a tough night," the nurse said as soon as she saw them, "his doctor would like to talk to you right away. I will page him." Stef nodded numbly as she grabbed Lena's hand as they walked over to Jude.
"Hi, My Love," she whispered in his ear, kissing his temple, "me and Momma love you more than you could ever know."
"You made our life so much brighter, even if it was just in a eight months. I could never imagine my life without you in it," Lena said through tears as she kissed his cheek.
"Tell your Mommy how proud we are, to have gotten to raise you, and get to raise Callie. She made some pretty amazing babies," Stef said as she squeezed his hand gently, "We have to let you go, Baby, me and Momma can't in good conscious let you suffer any longer," she said as tears filled her eyes, "I promise you we'll take care of Callie. You don't have to worry about her."
"And you are so loved. By me and Mom, and all your siblings. We're all going to miss you so much," lena said, suddenly aware of her children standing behind her, they must have been allowed in by the nurse.
Stef feeling Callie behind her, fidgeting, pressed her hand on her lower back to bring her closer to her and Jude, "Hi, Buddy," Callie whispered, "I love you."
"Lena, Stef?" Stef turnd to see the doctor and excused herself and Lena while the kids stood around Jude. "Jude's condition is getting worse as time goes by," he said gently, looking at the two women grasping hands, "in my opinion-"
"We made a decision. We can't keep letting him suffer," Stef spoke for him.
"I know how hard that is to decide. If you can come with me for a few minutes we'll sign some paperwork and then you guys can say goodbye."
Lena nodded as they followed him silently.
"He almost looks like he's sleeping," Mariana spoke quietly.
"He's not," Jesus spoke harshly.
"I know," Mariana said. Tears started to fill Callie's eyes and Mariana turned towards her, placing a hand on her upper arm. "The day of Grandpa's funeral, I asled him if he believed in heaven. He said that he believed people were up there watching over us. Now he'll get to too," she said softly.
It was 20 minutes later that Stef and Lena made it back, filling out all the paperwork that let the doctor turn off the machines.
"I said goodbye already, I can't sit here anymore," Jesus said. Stef watched as his knee bounced up and down and her bounced from side to side, "Bye, Jude. I'm going to miss sharing a room with you," he said one more time as he squeezed Jude's hand and walked out with Brandon close behind her.
"I'm sorry, I can't," Mariana said, her eyes pleading at Callie, "Please don't hate me."
"No one hates you, Baby," Lena assured wrapping her arms around Mariana, "It's ok, go find your brothers." Mariana scampered out of the room, leaving Callie alone with Stef, Lena, and the doctor.
"It won't hurt him at all," the doctor assured as he started to mess with wires. Just tell me when you're ready." Callie scooted onto the bed, sitting cross legged next to him, not moving when Stef slipped in behind her, wrapping an arm around her. Callie tensed for a few moments before relaxing. Stef rested her other hand on Jude's leg.
"It's ok, Baby, we're all right here," she whispered to Jude as Lena went to the other side of him, grabbing his hand with one, cupping his cheek with the other.
"We all love you so much, Buddy. I'm going to miss you," she choked out softly.
"I love you," Callie whispered before picking up her guitar. Stef nodded to the doctor as Callie started to sing,
"Dragon tails and the water is wide, Pirates sail and lost boys fly. Fish bite moonbeams every night, and I love you. Godspeed little man, sweet dreams little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings. God speed, sweet dreams."
Stef watched as Jude took a breath on his own, and then another 20 seconds later, they were gasps that wouldn't give him sufficient oxygen.
"the rocket racer's all tuckered out. Spiderman's in pajamas on the couch. Goodnight moon will find the mouse, and I love you. Godspeed little man. Sweet dreams little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings godspeed. Sweet dreams."
Lena looked over at the heart monitor as it became erratic, going flat for moments at a time. As it started to whine, the doctor shut it off. She tried to ignore the doctor looking at the clock and writing down the time and instead listening to her daughter's last verse.
"God bless Mommy and matchbox cars. Godbless Momma and thanks for the stars. God hears amen wherever we are. And I love you. Godspeed little man. Sweet dreams little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings. God speed. Sweet dreams."