Chapter 2 - Love's Gone To Hell
'I see the writing on the wall
I feel it's over and over, no
It's when love's gone to hell"
Doro - "Love's Gone To Hell"
Harm half expected a heroes welcome when he walked into JAG Ops but, instead, everyone around him reacted as if he'd gotten back from an average TAD. It dawned on him that it was a classified mission and not even his closest friends or the Admiral were privy to what had happened. He strolled into his office, dropped off his briefcase and then made a beeline to the break room to get a cup of coffee that he direly needed.
He'd arrived at Washington a day prior and spent most of it at Langley in the debrief from Hell - most of which consisted of the director of the CIA berating him for ever stepping foot in Paraguay. Harm had tried to defend his actions as that of a military officer searching for one of his own but, military formality did not trickle down to the CIA. They could have cared less if Mac and Webb had died out in the Chaco merely that the mission - recovering the Stinger missiles - would have been completed. Using the biplane to blow the truckload of missiles into oblivion wasn't quite in the agency's cards and the act had tipped off various cells that were operating in South America. That is why it was so easy for Sadik to get away; the cavalry had come to save him.
The whole interaction made him feel like a failure. He saved one of their agents and a Lieutenant Colonel from the Marine Corps, all he got was the third degree. He'd even destroyed a threat to US soil but, even that didn't seem good enough. Harm was at a loss and even the familiarity of the JAG office seemed foreign to him.
When he stepped into the bullpen, he found Mac's office dimmed, something that was odd at this time of the morning. Surely, she would have been back from Paraguay as well? Maybe the Admiral had granted her some richly deserved leave after the few weeks of Hell that she'd endured? Nevertheless, he felt something was off and it wasn't the sudden pang in his heart as he stopped just in front of her office.
There will never be an us.
Harm took a deep breath and dejectedly stepped into the confines of his own office. He closed the door behind him and drew the curtains, not wanting the staff to see the anguish on his face. He made it to Paraguay and saved the girl but, that wasn't good enough. With Mac it seemed he was never good enough.
It was clearly his fault, he'd had a shot at being with her and blew it the hell out of the water during a ferry ride in Sydney. Ever since they seemed to be on an unstoppable ride with more ups and downs than a roller-coaster.
There will never be an us.
Mac's words echoed in his mind making him feel like the fool that he was. They seemed to be on some sort of honeymoon for a while and then everything began to shatter around them. First, it was the time both of them had spent on the bench using personal knowledge of each other as ammunition. She'd tried to offer an olive branch but, his ego had taken a hit when she'd destroyed his defense strategy.
There will never be an us.
The debacle with Singer was nothing more than a knee jerk reaction on his part. Why hand't he told Mac that the woman was involved with his brother? Shame. It was shameful to know that his younger brother would not heed his warning and wind up dating someone so disliked at JAG ops.
He hated speaking ill of the dead but, Loren Singer had not been a picnic. She would use any method to get to the top even if it meant destroying the careers of those around her. It was the sneaky, unethical ways that she conducted business that made him wonder if the woman even had a conscience. Nevertheless, his brother had become involved with the woman and the thoughts that she could be carrying a niece or nephew was horrifying.
Harm should have told Mac that he was investigating Singer, trying to figure out the paternity of the child she was carrying. Instead he'd acted like a lunatic, out of character and so out of control. He needed to thank his lucky stars that he wasn't still in the brig. But then, she hadn't come to see him either. In fact, none of his friends had, a fact that hurt more than he could comprehend. Chegwidden had ordered them to keep away in an effort to keep the heat off of his staff. Still, had it been Mac in the brig, Harm would have gone to see her. He would give up anything for her, orders be damned.
There will never be an us.
Memories of them replayed in his mind like some sort of movie. From the beginning it was clear that they had an undeniable connection. They became friends, close friends, best friends and somewhere along the way she'd crept into the recesses of his heart. He hadn't wanted to fall in love with her, it just happened and time and time again he'd lost her to another man. It was his fault, he knew because he never quite defined his feelings for her. He always assumed she knew what he felt - that she'd heard him loud and clear during her engagement party before he kissed her so passionately.
"Mac, you have someone who will always love you." He said the words out loud and let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. How the hell did they get to this point? Where had he missed the signs? Wasn't she the one who flaunted her interest at him?
There will never be an us.
"Stop it!" He said to himself and brought his hands up to his head, squeezing tightly in hopes that he would never hear that phrase again. And yet, it lived on like a bad song you just couldn't get out of your head.
There will never be an us.
Maybe it was a form of PTSD? He thought, recalling how she'd come to his apartment the night she was leaving for Paraguay looking more attractive than a pregnant woman should. She had said something about his intentions and how he'd only state them when she was unavailable. That comment alone made him realize that she wanted something more than friendship with him. Or did she? Maybe he was losing his touch? Reading the signs all wrong?
There will never be an us.
Considering how all consuming everything between them seemed to be, a relationship would likely be catastrophic. What was the point of pining over a woman that didn't want him? By the way she'd kissed Webb, it was clear what her intentions were.
There will never be an us.
And the way she'd treated him, not even bothering to utter a 'thank you' after he'd saved her life. She hadn't even acknowledged him the moment he called her beautiful.
There will never be an us.
Harm sat up straight in his chair and glanced over at a picture of the two of them taken a year prior, during their tour of Afghanistan. He had gifted her the picture and she a frame in the same size - it was one of those rare moments when they were in sync. Only they weren't rare, he just didn't want to admit to himself anymore that they had a connection unlike anything he'd ever experienced. It had been there from the start and something that Harm hadn't known he needed until she left to work at Dalton's firm. He missed her terribly then and found that there was something missing - like a part of him had been taken away.
There will never be an us.
"Commander, the Admiral wants to see you, sir." He heard Petty Officer Jennifer Coates' bright voice call through the intercom and readied himself for the onslaught he knew was coming. The Admiral had been livid at his departure from JAG and Harm was beyond surprised that he wasn't barred access to the building for his actions. With a huff, he stood and made his way over to Chegwidden's office.
"Commander Rabb reporting as ordered, sir." When he arrived at the Admiral's office, he stood ramrod straight, waiting for call to be at ease which never came. Here we go. He thought to himself realizing that Chegwidden had every right to be pissed given the headaches he'd likely gotten from all of Harm's antics in the last few months. He certainly hadn't acted like an officer in the US Navy.
Admiral AJ Chegwidden had his eyes fixed on a file he was working on, pretending to ignore his junior officer, making him sweat. After several long minutes, Chegwidden looked up from the file and leveled Harm with a look that could kill. He stood, and began pacing behind his desk. "Welcome back, Commander."
"Glad to be back, sir."
"Are you planning on running off to play spook anytime soon?"
"No sir."
"Not going off to spread your wings?"
"Negative, sir."
"Not planning on alligator wrestling or crop dusting?"
"Sir?" The absurdity of his commanding officer's question made Harm wonder if Chegwidden had briefly lost his mind.
"I've had it with your antics, Rabb." Chegwidden took a deep breath and moved back behind his desk before allowing his officer to be at ease. "Take a seat."
Harm let out a breath he'd been holding and did as ordered still wondering where Mac was. "Sir, the lights in the Colonel's office weren't on when I arrived."
"No, they weren't." The Admiral said nonchalantly and began rifling through a folder on his desk. "I was informed by the SECNAV that I was not to expect Lieutenant Colonel MacKenzie back at JAG ops."
"Until when, sir?"
"Indefinitely… Colonel MacKenzie resigned her commission." The words cut through him like a hot knife and Harm was sure he missed something and had to shake his head a few times to realize what he was hearing. "What in the Hell happened in Paraguay, Harm?"
"I'm not sure, Admiral." Harm leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees and threading his hands together. He seemed distraught, hurt and like his World had come off its axis. "When I got there, Mac and Webb had been taken by a terrorist named Sadik Fahd. I bumped into Gunny Galindez who helped me rescue them… Mac was tied down to a table, about to be tortured and Webb… he looked like hell. We got out of Dodge, saved the day but, the damned terrorist escaped. Next thing I know, I am on a plane back to Washington, alone and Colonel MacKenzie remained behind." He left out the finer parts, the Stinger missiles, the arguments…when Mac had kissed Webb...
There will never be an us.
"I'm under direct orders from the SECNAV to stay out of the Colonel's involvement with the agency but, if you want to look into it, on your own time, I'll turn the other cheek."
"Understood, sir. But, I would just like to resume my duties here at JAG, sir." If Mac could leave him behind just like that, maybe it was time to forget her too.
Chegwidden leveled Harm with a deadly glare and the dressing down that he expected came into some fruition. "Commander, you need to thank the Colonel for still having a position here at JAG. Had she returned, I would have been forced to push your resignation through."
Harm swallowed hard at his admission. Mac was right, the Navy was the only thing he had left in his life - the only constant. "Why, sir?"
"You aren't a team player, Rabb." He said sternly and waved Harm off when he began a rebuttal. "You are completely controlled by emotions and never consider the bigger picture."
"I saved Mac's life. Had I not gone..."
"You went behind my back!" AJ yelled suddenly, standing up and slamming his hands onto the top of the desk, the sound rattling across the room and causing the baseball that Chegwidden usually had on his desk to roll off. "You never would have had to resign your commission had you leveled with me. You'd figure after the Singer fiasco you would have learned your lesson about doing things on your own. The military is a team, Commander - something you should know by now. I expect more out of you."
"Admiral, she would have died!"
"You don't know that. Hell, you don't know if your snooping around tipped off the wrong person, do you?"
"I.. well.." He couldn't argue that point. "I hadn't thought of that, sir."
"Well you should have." Chegwidden took a breath to calm himself, walked around the desk and snatched the baseball from the floor. "You are acquainted with Catherine Gayle are you not?"
"I am sir, she was the person that facilitated my getting intel from the CIA in order to locate the Colonel."
"She was arrested two days ago, found in possession of pure, uncut diamonds and the prime suspect in the murder of agent Van Duyn, a diamonds expert for the CIA." He took a file from the corner of his desk and handed it to Harm. "Seems like Ms. Gayle fell for one of Fahd's Lieutenants and the rest is history."
Harm leafed through the pages, stopping at one of Catherine wearing an abaya and headdress, standing next to a bearded man. The next were photos of her kissing that man and even more of her passing him a small pouch, likely filled with diamonds. He was at a loss for words, his heart sinking even more at the knowledge that he could have put Mac and Webb in danger. "She tipped them off."
Chegwidden sighed, "She did."
Dejectedly, Harm slid the file onto Chegwidden desk and settled back into the chair. His commanding officer had been right, he wasn't a team player. "Where do we go from here, Admiral?"
"You get back to work. Roberts will get you up to speed and you'll be prosecuting against Turner on a DDO case."
"And Colonel MacKenzie, sir?"
"She's not coming back, Harm. I spoke to the Colonel this morning and was told to send her personal effects to her apartment." Chegwidden stared at his senior officer, watching a myriad of emotions play on his face - hurt, anger, sadness. Yet, AJ couldn't help but see that something else had happened, something that had dropped Harm down a few pegs. He noticed it by the way Harm's shoulders slumped when he walked in.
"Did she say anything else?" He didn't want to sound too expectant but, there was still some hope that, at least, their friendship could remain intact.
There will never be an us.
"She said she enjoyed her time at this post but, it was time for her to step away. Nothing else." No mention of her friends, her peers and although Mac had always been the squared away Marine, her voice sounded woody, unfeeling. It was like the life had been sucked out of her. 'Are you sure about this, Mac?' He'd use her nickname, hoping to smooth whatever the hell was going on but, it was futile. "Nothing else."
"I'll pack up her office, sir." Harm offered and headed off to do just that once he was given his caseload and dismissed.
It had taken him a good hour to find the courage to enter her, now former, office. He placed a bankers box on one of her guest chairs and took in the decorations that were very much Mac. With a sigh, he settled into her chair and was instantly assaulted by a picture of the two of them - the same one he had on his own desk. "God dammit, Mac."
There will never be an us.
Harm took the picture in his hands, studying her face as if she'd never seen her before. They went through hell during that trip and yet, together they made it through. They always made it through - until now. He held onto the frame hands twisting until the glass broke into pieces. "Fuck!"
There will never be an us.
"I can't do this." His heart was beating as if he'd run a marathon and his head was hurting. The size of her office seemed so small, confining and a wave of vertigo nearly made him topple over as he stood. Harm gripped the side of her desk, willing his emotions under control and spotting Harriet staring at him through the blinds. With a fresh resolve, he hurried to Mac's closed door and pulled it open forcefully. "Lieutenant Sims, with me."
"Yes, s-sir." Harriet said shakily. It was rare that Harm's voice had ever been so harsh with her. The man had always been supportive, kind and something of a big brother. She loved Harm and Mac like family which is why she visibly blanched at his request.
"Pack up the Colonel's belongings." Harm shoved the box at her. "All her things. Empty out every drawer and every shelf. Have a courier service get them to her apartment."
"Sir?" His request confused Harriet. "Where is Colonel MacKenzie?"
"She resigned her commission." When the woman stood there with a look of confusion, Harm forcefully shook the box to get her attention. "Now, Lieutenant, that's an order."
"Aye, sir."
Harm pushed past Harriet and went straight to his office, locking the door behind him and shutting the lights off. He wanted to sit in the dark, to mend his broken spirit and hope he could move on - again.
There will never be an us.
But, Mac's words kept circling his mind like a vulture trying to peck at a dying thing. Angrily, he took the picture of the two of them and slammed it into his wastebasket. He then took a paperweight that she had given him - the one that was shaped like a plane and had his initials. That too went into the trash. He went through all of his drawers, methodically removing anything having to do with Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie.
Too bad he couldn't rip his heart out.
There will never be an us.