CHAPTER 5 - GASOLINE

'And all the people say

You can't wake up, this is not a dream

You're part of a machine, you are not a human being.'

"Gasoline" by Halsey

Mac hated shrinks and how they convinced you to reveal your deepest darkest secrets all the while judging you. It was SOP for field agents to visit one from time to time and after her ordeal, it was part of rehabilitation. Her biggest flaw was being former military, she wouldn't disobey an order but, merely grin and bear it while her thoughts and emotions were picked apart.

"Is there someone in your life who is special?" Dr. Claire Gutierrez was a woman seemingly in her mid to late 40s. She was still strickling beautiful with dark blond hair, blue eyes and a body that clearly stated she took care of herself. "Sarah?" Mac sardonically wondered if Harm still liked blondes.

"Someone I love? A few people I guess." Mac shrugged, not quite understanding Gutierrez's question. Bud, Harriet, their kids. There were quite a few people that she loved.

The doctor offered a soft, comforting smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Used to interrogating clients, Mac could tell the woman was irritated. "Not talking about friends. And I know you don't have a husband or children."

Mac flinched, that was a subject she didn't want to think of. Their five year deal was soon to be up and she… he… damnit. "There's a man, I guess."

"A boyfriend?" Gutierrez frowned. She had enough clearance to know what Mac's job at the agency entailed. Relationships were messy and having a loved one would complicate things, it always did. It was best to live in the shadows and remained detached.

"No… My best friend, we've just never…We've never been together." Mac shook her head. No they hadn't slept together and save for a few stolen kisses she doubted they ever would. She took a stress ball that was sitting on the table in front of her and began squeezing gently. It was painful to want someone, to love someone so much to only have them push you away. She had done the same to him, of course but, her reasons were different. Often, she wondered if Harm even loved her. "I came here to save his life, his career and I may have made a mistake." May have? Oh, she made a mistake alright and had nearly paid for it with her life.

"You gave yourself to the agency for a man you are not involved with?" Gutierrez stared at the woman before her with bewildered expression. She had heard of some crazy stories from agents before but none that were so 'romantic.' The idea was almost nauseating and still, she plastered on her fake interested face.

"For a man that I love." Mac affirmed and closed her eyes for a moment wondering if the trade off was fair to her. It wasn't but, it didn't matter, she'd do this again in a heartbeat for him.

"Do you want to stay in the agency?" It was a standard question that Dr. Gutierrez ask every agent she's ever interviewed. She needed to find what made everyone take and report back on the agents that we're losing interest in their jobs.

"I'm not sure, part of me does the other part of me can't help but remember what nearly happened to me on my first mission." She was dealing with the emotional struggle, the trauma from nearly dying. The trauma from the torture and the thoughts that it could have been worse. Thanked God things hadn't gotten worse. At the very least she wasn't raped and most of the physical scars had healed save for the surgical marks on her shoulder.

The doctor glanced at a file labeled 'classified' that she had become familiar with. It held specific details on Mac's assignment and how the man she was sent to investigate had tortured and nearly killed her. She had read worse, of course but never so early in an agent's career. "It was tough to read."

Mac glared at Gutierrez and her attempt to enter her mind, to befriend her. She knew the tactic, it was similar to ones she used when interviewing clients. "And somehow I bet you've read worse."

"Guilty."

"They trust you to deal with messy agents, when things go askew." It wasn't a question, Mac knew how they operated, Clay had offered her plenty of information when he'd visited her at the hospital. She had tried to avoid therapy, it was something she neither believed in or wanted. But, the agency would not return her to the field if she didn't spend some considerable couch time with a therapist.

"It more than went askew, Sarah." Though Gutierrez knew specific points about the case, much more than she was willing to tell Mac, she liked to probe to see what answers her subject would come up with. In dealing with Mikhailov she'd already depicted the problem and wondered if Mac had as well.

"I couldn't sleep with the subject." Mac said, staring right at the woman who glared back accusingly. "I know you have that information so I am curious why you asked."

"Some operatives try to place blame on others. Few ever take ownership when there's a mission failure. Why did it happen?"

"Because I couldn't forget him." Mac couldn't help raising her voice both out of pain and frustration. She didn't know how Harm had woven himself so fully into her life, why he affected her so much but, he did. "Why did they assign you to me?"

"I'm not just the company shrink, Sarah. I was a field agent once and I've been in your position. I know what it's like to let emotions get the best of me. So, I decided to help those like you." Gutierrez stood up and made her way around the desk, she took a seat next to Mac and placed her notepad on a small table between both chairs. "Mr. Atwell contacted me, he sees great potential in you. So, I'm going to ask you again, how badly do you want to be an agent?"

Mac stared at the older woman and furled her brow. How much did she want this? She wasn't sure but, wasn't willing to consider the trade off. She was in now for better or for worse, she was stuck. "I have my reservations about remaining an operative but, I am not leaving unless kicked out or killed and I want to protect myself against the latter."

The doctor considered the answer and grinned, damned attorneys. "I'm trained in PSYOPS and much more, specifically something called EDT - Emotional Detachment Tequique. A few decades ago an agent discovered that by the use of a passcode or a trigger, he could shut off his emotions, become someone else at will."

Her words caught Mac's attention and her defensive posture against the other woman softened. "How effective is it?"

"Depending on the subject? Very. Some agents have the ability to shut it off like a switch." Gutierrez snapped her fingers to make her point. She noticed an interest in Mac and realized the other woman was hooked. "I can make you forget about him or at least, make it easier for you to stop thinking about him."

Mac chewed on her lower lip, considering this EDT and how it would make her forget him. She wanted to forget him, didn't she? The concept saddened her. They had a lot of good times, good memories, Harm was such a fabric of her life and now she was trying to erase that. 'There will never be an us.'

She closed her eyes tightly and swallowed down the bile that had risen. This would be worse than just a few ill wished words. "How does it work?"

At her question, Gutierrez bit back a smile, she knew she'd had an interested subject. Some weren't so willing to give up so much of themselves. "You give him a different identity. When you are upset with him is there any term or words you use?"

"I don't understand."

"For instance, a parent who is upset with their child will often call that child by their full name including their middle name. That sets of a trigger which, even as adults we can identify with."

Mac understood, it was similar to when Chegwidden had reprimanded them using their full rank and last names. And that gave her an idea. "His rank, I guess. He's a Commander in the Navy."

Gutierrez smiled, Sarah seemed to be a good candidate for EDT, the military always was. They already came conditioned to obey without objections no matter how difficult the task. Hers would be an easy mind to mold. "Good, call him that. Whenever you think of him, whenever you start to feel something for him, desire, lust, a longing, try to bring up the very worst thing he's said to you and focus on that… call him by his rank."

Mac swallowed, he had hurt her a time or two but, then she'd been no picnic either. What hurt the most was when he'd picked apart her relationships and how those who she'd been involved with had died. She often wondered why he brought that up and wondered if she made him feel that way inside.

"Close your eyes, Sarah. Think of the times that he has hurt you and say his rank. Start now." Gutierrez's voice was gentle holding the subtleness of commands.

"Okay." Mac did as told, closing her eyes tightly as she began to think of him. 'What does love have to do with anything?' That had hurt, more than she would admit to herself. He was leaving, going back to a squadron as if she'd meant nothing to him. She had cried, sobbed against his shoulder and he seemed to feel nothing. "Commander."

'I'm not going there, okay? This is not a marriage. Let's get through it, we have an investigation to conduct.' That had hurt her too, his inability to trust her or allow her to voice her feelings for him. He'd ignored it, cast it aside and they'd nearly died as a result. "Commander."

Then she thought about Sydney and a conversation on the Titanic, of sorts. She had tried to figure out his interest for her and why he'd been so surly since she'd arrived in Australia. Mac had offered him her heart and he refused her. 'Location doesn't change who we are.'

"Commander." She felt a tear slip from her eye, which she brushed away angrily.

"That's natural, Sarah… You are doing well, continue." Gutierrez's gentle voice guided her again.

Dalton's death flashed behind her closed lids and that moment of weakness when she'd taken a drink and arrived at work clearly inebriated. 'You know you're not just a drunk. You're a mean drunk.' He was right in her assessment and the ugly words she'd shot at him warranted a rebuttal but, it hurt her nevertheless.

'The moment a man shows interest, you're ready.' "Commander." Mac could feel her heart twisting, hurting. Every barb that she remembered came back now, faster than she could imagine. She had repressed some of those memories, living for the good days when everything seemed to be on an even keel. 'Mac, you have someone who will always love you.'

'If you need me at your wedding to make it work, maybe you should consider who you're marrying.' The tears were falling faster now sliding down her cheeks like a cascading waterfall. Mac couldn't help the sobs or the uncontrollable ache in her chest. She pressed a hand against her heart willing the pain to subside.

"Commander." She said with a shaky breath, her chest heaving from the strain of fighting with her emotions.

"Stop fighting it, Sarah… Let go." Gutierrez's voice held a strength that Mac gripped to helping her rid the heartache.

'Look, anyone who's ever been involved with Mac is either dead or feels like they are.'

"Commander." The tears had stopped and her voice become strong, almost woody. She could feel the tension ease and start to abate. 'You can have him. I just hope, for his sake, he fares a little better than your various husbands and boyfriends.'

"Commander."

'There will never be an us.' She added that too, recalling how she'd told him with such steely determination that she nearly believed it. As each and every moment danced thought her memories she felt the desire for him replaced with anger. 'There will never be an us.'

Gutierrez noticed it too and smiled at how quickly her patient was picking up the exercise. As a woman, she knew how much they needed to protect themselves. "Open your eyes." When Mac did, there was something there, an indifference that hadn't been there when the session started. "We'll resume again tomorrow, you did good today."

"Thank you."

'There will never be an us.'

Five Months Later

Clayton Webb's Apartment

Alexandria, Virgina

"You have to stop doing this, Rabb." Clayton Webb glared at the tall Naval Officer regarding him with contempt. In the last few weeks Harm's impromptu visitations had become something of a routine and a nuisance. "Mother isn't going to be so understanding next time."

Porter Webb nearly had him kicked out of the W when Harm had impolitely barged into their weekly dinner date. "Where is she, Webb?" It was always the same question. "And stop telling me that you don't know where Mac is. If anyone can find her it's you."

"Not anymore." Webb groaned in frustration when Harm barged into his apartment and began searching for signs of her. "She isn't here! Look, I can't help you. I'm not her handler, I was reassigned months ago."

"Reassigned?" Harm believed that Webb would have done anything in his power to stay connected to Mac in some way. "Why would you be reassigned?"

"Because Paraguay was a major fuck up and I am paying the price for it, okay?" He made his way over to the bar and poured two shots of Caña handing one to Harm. "I'm being put into a special task force to find Sadik Fahd…"

Harm frowned at the name of the man that got away. He told Mac once that the terrorist would one day come after them and had forgotten until now. "Is she in the country?"

"I haven't seen her in a while. Look, she doesn't want to see you Harm. Let it go." He pushed past Harm and settled into a large, leather armchair hoping the alcohol would numb him.

"I tried letting her go. I can't. I've been pissed at her for the last few months and I just can't do it anymore." Harm downed the drink in one shot and slammed the glass down on the coffee table. He eyed the agent suspiciously. "You know something, Clay and I am not going to stop until I find out whatever it is."

Webb did know some things like the suggestion to visit a certain company shrink and the coping techniques she would be taught. Once she was fully healed from her injuries and was given her next assignment, Mac had visited Clay. He didn't like what he saw. "She's not the woman you remember...not anymore."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Mac put herself through extra training. I can't get into specifics, most of it is classified but, it changed her. She is hard, edgy, unfeeling."

Unfeeling. The word made his heart sink. "Why would she do that?"

Clay stood, walked over to his bar a refilled his glass. He was about to tread into dangerous waters and Mac would surely kill him for it. Not that it mattered, as far as he knew, she was out of the country. "She resigned her commission to protect you. SECNAV wasn't going to let you back so, she made a deal...As a result, it's easier to operate without emotions clouding your judgement."

As her friend he knew what Mac had done would come with extreme repercussions. He had warned her against EDT. She wouldn't be the same and the coping technique would stay with her for life. As a field agent, he knew it needed to be done in order to keep her alive.

Clay took the bottle of caña to Harm and refilled his drink once the other man sat there stunned and speechless. He saw a single tear fall from his eye and sighed. "Harm, let her go."

"Goddamnit, Clay. I can't! Especially not now. Not with what you told me."

"I know the two of you have this innate need to cover each others asses but, she's not military anymore. You start interfering, poking around and you may blow her cover." It was a warning and the tone of Webb's voice made it clear to Harm just how deep in the CIA she had been placed.

"She has to come home at some point." He would wait outside of her apartment everyday if he had to. Things were not over between them, they couldn't be.

'There will never be an us.'