Chapter 13 - Tear Me Down
"I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down"
"All I Need" by Within Temptation.
Mac could feel her body becoming more and more lethargic as the Commander maneuvered through the city. She gave him directions as best she could lead him to a houseboat in an abandoned area of the docks. It was her safe house, one that not even Keeter knew about - a last resort if shit hit the fan. She couldn't resist when The Commander plucked her out of the passenger's seat and carried her into the houseboat. Her body was far too weak.
Her pulse which had been hammering away due to adrenaline and the uncontrollable shivering had begun to slow and Mac could barely stand the feel of her own skin. It made her nauseous when he placed her on the bed, a sudden wave of vertigo that made the room spin so hard, Mac had to clench her eyes shut until it passed. She heard The Commander's voice say something that she didn't quite comprehend.
"Keep your eyes open, Marine!" Harm all but yelled as he proceeded to remove her clothing. The shivering had slowed down some and from his SERE training he knew it was not a good sign. He needed to get Mac out of the wet clothing and warm as soon as possible. The jacket went first, it's heavy fabric dropping to the floor by the bed in a sopping wet mess.
Next, he removed her scarf and pulled off the long sleeved shirt leaving her only in a bra. Mac made eye contact with him for a moment and he could tell by the look in her eyes that this was the last thing she wanted him doing. "I'm sorry, Mac. You'll freeze to death if I don't." Deftly, he went to the button of her jeans. Harm's hands shook when he unclasped the button and then found the tab to the zipper, sliding it down.
He took a breath and then hooked his fingers on the hem of the pants. The heavy material was still soaked and he had to forcefully pull them down her legs, stopping to remove her boots and socks. The jeans too joined her pile of wet clothing on the floor. She was left exposed to him, in nothing but underwear, a matching dark blue bra and panty set that he knew needed to be removed too.
Christ, Harm had thought about this moment so many times and how it would feel to remove every last stitch of clothing from her. It was an ongoing fantasy and it bothered him that the reality was more out of necessity, not because she wanted him to. "I'm sorry, Mac." He said again and carefully brought his hands between her breasts where the front claps to her bra was. He snapped it open and turned his head to the side, forcing himself to look away out of respect.
"Stay awake, Mac." Finally, he pulled off her panties and then removed all of his own clothes leaving himself completely naked.
"Trying to get you warm." Harm said as he laid next to her. He reached down and pulled a folded quilt from the foot of the bed bringing it up to cover them both. Slowly, he inched against her, pulling Mac against his chest. His breath hitched at how cold her skin felt against him.
He knew a thing or two about hypothermia and was concerned when noticed that Mac had stopped shivering. One of his hands rubbed briskly against her back and he drew her even closer making sure her whole body was covered by the thick quilt and his embrace. "I know you're cold… I know what this feels like."
Harm hadn't thought about his dip in the Atlantic for some time. It had taken him a few months but, the nightmares had ceased and found comfort in flying again. There had been a time when he'd wake up cold and screaming for help. SERE training when to shit when you were bobbing in the Atlantic during the mother of all storms. Harm was pretty certain he was going to die.
He had passed out as his body was hoisted up to the SAR helo. Somehow, he hadn't. She saved him and now he was saving her.
Pushing thoughts of that night away he glanced down at Mac. Her head was against his chest, one of her arms was draped over his torso. She had fallen asleep and he brought his fingers to her neck to find her pulse regulating.
Harm reached behind Mac, making sure the quilt was fully covering her back. He tucked some of the fabric beneath her and held her tightly trying to get some rest.
Through what was left of the night, he didn't sleep much save for a few minutes here and there. At some point Mac's body relaxed and she had snuggled against him, using his body heat to keep herself warm. Harm watched her as she slept, noticing the changes in her features that he'd memorized through the years.
He noticed the small scars on face that weren't seen unless you were as close as he was now, just a breath away. There was yet another scar about three inches long that ran on the front part of Mac's shoulder. He frowned wondering if it had something to do with her work at the agency. Harm resisted the urge to touch the scar at her throat from a surgery she had in her 20s to remove her thyroid due to cancer.
Never in a million years could he imagine that one day he would lay naked with Mac. After Paraguay he figured any chances would be over and he even forced himself to stop fantasizing about her, trying to replace that desire with anger. And he had been angry for a time but just couldn't anymore. He cared for her too damned much.
As the sun had risen and the soft morning light began to bathe the room he found himself wanting her, craving to touch and kiss her skin. She was alive and feeling her skin pressed against his had awakened a need for her that was driving him insane. It was inexplicable to want someone so badly to the point that, he knew that if they ever made love, he wouldn't be sated. Harm would never get enough of her.
Knowing it was probably a mistake, his fingers brushed over her hip and trailed upwards over her bare back. He felt Mac stir and lean into him. Her hands came up to his chest, moving over his pecs. His breath hitched at the contact and his hand came down and then up, stopping at the swell of her breast before his lips found a spot on her neck that he found tantalizing.
Mac was awake, sort of or maybe she was dreaming? She was in The Commander's arms his fingers stroking her hip lightly before raising up and caressing her bare back. It felt good and safe and warm and every emotion she had been devoid of for several months. She leaned into his caresses bringing her hands up to his chest and touching him as she wanted to for years. The peppering of hair tickled her palm and it was that small detail that forced her eyes open.
This was certainly not a dream. "You need to stop that." She said when The Commander's hand moved up her torso stopping just under the swell of her breast and his lips met the side of her neck.
"Why?" She heard him ask, The Commander's voice deep and intoxicating. Seductive, really.
"I don't like you touching me, Commander." Mac emphasized his rank although she never did stop his hand and found her traitorous body leaning into his - wanting him. The headaches began slowly and she could feel it begin to spread, drumming at her temple when his mouth descended to that spot on her neck again.
"The look on your face says you do." There was The Commander's voice again, drawing her in, making her want him. "You want me touching you and so much more."
She was lying in his arms naked, confused and feeling utterly vulnerable. It suddenly dawned on her what had happened and how The Commander rescued her.. She was hypothermic, feeling her body shut down until it had. Mac suspected that The Commander used his body heat to keep her warm and she had fallen asleep in his arms. Something inside of her was screaming for this to stop, that she needed to untangle herself from The Commander's grasp before a catastrophic failure of her walls would occur. "Commander. Stop." She used her code-word but, when The Commander lips came over her own in a soft kiss, Mac began to lose the battle.
The Commander tried to pull her on top of him, to press her body against his, but was met with resistance. Mac pushed at his chest forcefully and untangled herself from his arms. She sat at the edge of the bed and rubbed at her temples, willing the stupid headaches to stop. She needed to run, now and get away from a touch that was sending her senses reeling. Her resolve was crumbling, slipping away. No training in the world would prepare her for him. "Don't do that again, Commander. I'm warning you."
Harm was crazy to start something with her but, the way she looked laying in his arms reminded him of the woman she once was. The one that would look at him with a certain expression that would drive him crazy. He needed to find her, to save her. "Why? Because you liked it? Because it reminded you that you have feelings for me?"
"Had. That's over now." She said roughly and stood up, heading to the bathroom and returning with a robe wrapped around her. "Fuck." Just the fact that she admitted her former feelings for him was a blow and the headache began to turn into a full blown migraine. She gritted her teeth and grabbed onto the edge of the dinning table as she almost blacked out from fighting him.
Harm got out of bed, wrapping a bed sheet around his waist as he moved towards her. "You can't deny this thing between us… you can't deny us, Mac!"
"There is no US… There will never be an us." She recited her mantra, the one thing that kept whatever sanity was left alive. She didn't love him, she didn't want him, she didn't need them. "I don't need you, Commander. I never have."
"Bullshit…. Total bullshit and I am going to fight you on it."
"Commander… There. Will. Never. Be. An. Us." She punctuated each word, trying to ram it home, to get it through The Commander's thick skull and then she pushed past him needing to head outside.
Harm turned her to him and moved forward, stopping a few millimeters short. He backed her up into the door and placed a hand on the knob when she tried to escape. "You want me, Mac. You know you do and if you weren't locked in some emotional void, we would have made love... You know it's true."
Mac glared up at him and felt an anger start to grow, the one that she manifested when she needed to hate him. "Ah, there's the arrogant jet jock longing for another notch on his belt. Every woman wants The Commander."
"No. That's not it at all...I love you, Sarah."
That took the wind out of her sails. She stared at him, mouth agape and with a stupid expression. I love you, Sarah. Those were words she was sure she'd never hear. Not from him. Never from him. The Commander didn't love her, she knew this. He didn't love her, this was just some sort of trick. "There will never be an us, get that through your thick skull!" Mac couldn't help the tears that fell from her attempt to fight the headaches and him. The pain was so unbearable, made worse every time he spoke. "You need to leave me alone, Commander"
"Please don't tell me you're so frozen inside." He noticed the tear that trickled down her cheek and he reached up and brushed it away noticing how she shivered at his touch. "Say my name, Mac."
She turned her face away from his touch. "What makes you think I've ever felt anything for you? Maybe a quick roll in the hay is all I wanted? To use you and leave you.."
"Everything that has happened between us…"
"There was never an us." She argued, fighting the memories that were assaulting her. There is no us, there's you and Renee. There was always something in the way, she remembered and he'd hurt her so bad. "Isn't everyone involved with me dead or wish they were? Hell you almost died recently." She jabbed him just above his gunshot wound, making him wince in pain. "You used personal information to hurt me and now you expect me to welcome you into my arms? Fat chance, Commander."
Harm's hand dropped away from the door knob and he took a step away from her. He saw the smirk spread across her lips and knew she'd won a point in this discussion. "But, I love you."
His words made her pulse quicken and her heart squeeze painfully. She didn't need or want him. The Commander was bad for her, would ruin the mission. "What does love have to do with anything?"
He said that once when he wasn't sure what else to say. When his own emotions were out of control as he left her behind to chase a childhood dream. That was when their relationship had changed drastically and started on a slow, downward spiral. He should have never left to fly, he should have never left her. But he did and pushed her closer to Mic as a result. "I don't want to lose you again."
"You never had me, Commander." She was trying to hurt him, to keep him away.
It almost worked until Harm noticed the way her breath hitched when his hand grazed hers. How her eyes darkened when his body inched closer, trapping her against the door. "Say my name, Mac and I'll stop… I'll leave you alone, I promise. But, I really don't think you want me gone. Not really." He brought his head down, his warm breath fanning her skin. "Do you?" Her mouth opened and closed as if she were trying to say something but, the words never came. "Sarah..." Harm brushed her lips with his and then slowly kissed her.