Thank you for the reviews. This story has taken a few darker turns than I had originally outlined but, it's been a fun ride.

The end of this chapter has another adult only material. Ye be warned. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 15 - Only Love

"Don't you shut this downNo, don't you give this upI took all this love I found and I hope that it's enoughI saw you, yeah you, you're breaking downI hope you, yeah you, you come aroundNow don't you shut this down oh no don't you give this upI took all this love I found and I hope that it's enough. Is it enough?"

"Only Love" by Pvris

Harm awoke to an empty bed, his hand reaching out to where Mac had fallen asleep and finding her missing. Instantly, he sat up in a panic. It wasn't hard to imagine her leaving, desperate to get away from him. Although it felt like something had changed early that morning, he wasn't a fool. He knew Mac, his Mac would be lost for sometime.

Sounds of running water and the faint smell of wood burning made him take a breath. He noticed a small wood burning stove which gave the houseboat a warm, cozy feel. Harm sat on the edge of the bed and found that the sheets were barely covering it. Plus, they'd made a mess and even shifted the bed from it's frame.

He stared at the bed shyly and then wrapped a flat sheet around his waist as he set off to right the bed and find a fresh set of sheets. That's how Mac found him, smoothing his hands over the clean sheets and fluffing the pillows. She leaned against the doorframe and smiled. "You changed the sheets?"

Harm turned to look at her. He couldn't help the way his cheeks flushed when his eyes admired her dressed only in a large, fluffy towel. "We practically wrecked the bed." Thoughts of what had occured between them just a few short hours ago flashed through his mind. He still wanted her and her current state of undress made him want to pick Mac up and toss her on the bed. "You should have woken me. I would have liked to join you in the shower and clean up the mess I made."

She ignored his comment and rolled her eyes. "The shower is just like the houseboat - tiny. You won't fit in it by yourself let alone the two of us."

"We could have made it work." He stepped towards her and pulled Mac into him. Thankfully, she didn't resist when his hands ran up and down her spine or when his mouth covered hers. He kissed her slowly, grinning against her lips when she let out a soft moan. "You're not gonna run off of me are you?"

"No."

"Good. I'll be a minute." He gave her a quick kiss and disappeared into the bathroom finding that she had left a new razor and toothbrush atop a small basin. Harm faced the shower and raised a brow; Mac had been right, he would barely fit in there. When he stepped out of the tiny bathroom, he found Mac sitting on the edge of the bed brushing her hair, she was still wrapped in that towel. "I put your clothes to wash." She motioned over to a small washer/dryer combo made to fit an RV. "Sorry, I really don't have anything for you to wear…. This place isn't exactly for anything too long term."

"It's okay." Harm walked to his side of the bed and laid down, using a pillow to prop himself against the headboard. There was a storm raging outside, the high winds making the vessel move slightly. From his position he could see her back, which was hunched, her shoulders slumping.

He was determined not to have an awkward morning after and yet, he could feel the tension filling the space. The woman that had given into him was sliding the walls back into place, trying to keep him out and he could sense it. "Mac, what's wrong?"

Mac closed her eyes and thought about the last few hours, the fulfillment of a dream she thought was never possible. Had she made a mistake? In the shower she tried to scrub the scent of him off of her, a means to reboot and mount a defense, but it was impossible. Each and every time she moved her own hands over her skin was as if he were there touching her. She could still feel the delicious ache between her thighs and the want to be with him again coursed through her veins.

What had The Commander done to her?

Twelve hours ago, she had pulled a gun on The Commander with intent to kill. Twelve hours ago she was willing to let The Commander die and felt some excitement from the prospect of riding herself of him. She felt a tear slip out of her closed eyes as a kind of grief gripped her. Would she actually have killed him?

Mac was ashamed of those thoughts and of the ruthless woman that she had become, the monster that lived without care or feeling. He was her best friend once, someone she would have cared for and protected with her life. But, this thing that she'd become would have hurt him. And that was the part that she couldn't wrap her head around. She had done this for him. Joined the CIA for him. She was willing to give up her life for him. How did she let things get this far? Why did part of her hate him so much when deep inside she knew it was just the opposite.

And there was another problem that she couldn't shake and it scared her. Something inside still wanted and craved for his swift death, Mac felt it hovering just beneath her skin. Whatever tricks the agency shrink had played with her mind was deeply rooted. It was her survival mechanism that didn't exactly come with a trusty 'off' switch. It made her sick to know of the demon that lived inside and the fact that she would have to indulge it in order to survive. When she did, would she hurt Harm?

Harm. God, the way he touched her so reverently as if she was the only woman on Earth. His fingers had left a trail of fire in their wake and made her desire him so much. Mac had forgotten how she'd wanted him in the past and it all came rushing back as he took her. She had never been with a man who had taken such care in making sure she was pleasured.

But, it was more than just sex, it was a way of speaking without words and consumating a relationship they both avoided for far too long.

When she woke in his arms, Mac never wanted to leave. She wanted to feel his skin against hers, his body covering hers, his kisses claiming her. She wanted him beneath and above her. She just wanted all of him and every complication that would come out of their relationship. And that posed a problem. Why now? Why didn't this happen years ago when they had righted their relationship and started over again?

Hours ago she had been concerned with work and a mission that The Commander had crowded on. He was bad for work, an intruder to her methodology. She wanted him gone and now all she wanted was his touch, his warmth… his love.

Christ, her head felt like a short circuiting computer.

"You broke me." She said, her voice sounding small and fragile, two things the CIA taught her not to be. "You broke me." Mac said again and turned to face Harm who was staring at her with a sad look in his eyes.

The movement exposed her thigh that had been covered by the towel and Harm noticed the marks on her skin that looked like finger imprints. "Did I do that?" He moved over to her and studied the marks including a few that were higher up on her other thigh.

She merely nodded and grinned sheepishly. "We were a little desperate for each other." Mac knew that she'd left her own marks by way of scars on his back from where her nails had bitten into his skin. The sex between them had been nothing short of primal.

"A little?" His fingers delicately ran over each mark knowing that bruises would eventually form. There were many more marks on her skin, some that seemed like fine cuts that had healed a long time ago. And then there was her shoulder and the long scar from a surgeon's blade. "What'd they do to you?" His fingers moved over her shoulder and Harm noticed her breath hitch.

She took a breath unsure of how he would react. "It wasn't forced on me. I asked them to…" Despite everything, she didn't want Harm to hate her or worse, be disappointed. "I asked them to make me forget you."

The admission hurt him more than Harm would ever admit. He was actually referring to the scars on her body and had forgotten the emotional ones that carried more weight. His mind flashed to her holding a gun on him and her words that he wanted to forget. 'There will never be an us.' "Didn't realize you despised me so much, Mac." Harm let his fingers fall away from her and instantly, she missed the contact.

"I don't.. I didn't." It pained her to see the hurt in his eyes and the accusing way he stared at her. This had all made sense once, when their brush with death in the Chaco made her edgy. Hell, it made sense when he arrived in Toronto with information that she tried to ignore. Now, after being intimate with him and feeling so delightfully sated, Mac saw herself for what she really was; a fraud. She had feelings for him and always would. "I knew I didn't have it in me to do the things they expected if I had you on my mind… I botched my first mission."

"Because of me?" He scoffed at the idea.

She let out a deep sigh and nodded. "My first time out I knew I was way over my head. They tasked me to seduce a former KGB officer and steal some notes the CIA was after." Mac felt Harm tense beside her and heard his hard intake of breath. She could only imagine what thoughts ran through his mind. "I couldn't be with him that way. I just couldn't." She remembered trying to let go and pretend but, the hands that caressed her body weren't wanted or needed. Mac couldn't give herself to Milkhailov not without force. "I couldn't. I kept thinking about you, felt like I was betraying you somehow. I knew you would disapprove, be disappointed in me… I paid for it as well."

Harm winced as she said the last words so casually. He felt bile rise up in his throat and a shiver ran down his spine at the thought of someone forcing himself on her. "Did he…" He couldn't get the word out if he tried, the thoughts of someone violating her in such a way made him sick to his stomach.

Mac shook her head. "I wasn't raped, thank God, but he did other things."

"Is that why you have the mark on your shoulder?" His fingers moved over the scar, carefully tracing it. Harm wished he could take it away and all of the other scars both physical and otherwise.

"Needed to have surgery to repair it." Mac thought back to her time with the Russian, the great care that he took in attempting to woo her. He had been romantic, caring and all of that broke apart when he meant to defile her in the back of his limo. It had been so long ago that Mac had repressed the memories of how she had started to want Ilaya or at least the feel of a man's touch. Except that, in her mind, it wasn't Mikhailov's hands on her, it was Harm's.

"I started to like his attention, in a fashion." She said in disgust. "He was attractive, charming, romantic so I let my guard down... and then he turned violent." Mikhailov had tried to rip the dress off of her, to rape her but, she was able to stop him. "I drugged him before he could have his way with me... but one of his goons had been on to me from the get." Yuri. The man hated her with a passion, she had been in his cross hairs from the very beginning.

Harm brought his hand off her shoulder, and into her hand, threading his fingers with hers. He squeezed, letting her know she was safe with him, that she could tell him anything. As much as he didn't want the gory details, he needed to know what had happened and why she'd become so cold.

"They held me captive for several days, I still don't know exactly how many… My ability to tell time kinda faltered." She told him about the torture, how she was shoved into putrid smelling water. How her body was strung up to the rafters and her left shoulder tore from the strain. "After that I saw the company head shrinker and they offered me a way to forget the one thing that would make me vulnerable - you."

Harm saw the pain in her eyes as he brushed away a tear that rolled down her cheek. He couldn't understand how he had such power over her but then, she had the same kind of control over him. "Why use the word Commander?"

At the mention of the word, she felt a quick ache at her temple. It was not a full blown headache but, it was enough to remind her that Harm hadn't fully broken her. "It's what I call you when I am angry with or need to be impersonal."

"I understand.. I think."

"Please don't hate me for this." Mac looked down at their joined hands, noting how well they fit together. His thumb had been absentmindedly tracing lines at the back of her hand and such a simple touch soothed the war within only to have it rage again. "I wanted to protect you, to save you. They said you wouldn't be allowed back in the Navy. Chegwidden wouldn't be able to bend the rules, not this time. I couldn't see you working for them, not because of me ...The agency isn't the place for you."

"Or you." He tucked his finger under her chin and made her look up at him. "You shouldn't have gone to them. When I resigned my commission I knew what I was doing and I fully expected never to return to JAG. "Do you know why I did it?"

Mac sighed. She knew damned well what had fueled his past and this current search for her. It had nothing to do with friendship or duty. She knew what drove him in regards to her only, Mac wouldn't admit it to herself. "I shouldn't have gone with Webb but, I had to. You would have done the same."

She was right, he knew. Harm too would have followed the spook if asked out of his sense of duty. "Mac, you're in danger." Harm filled her in on all of the details that Webb had presented him with and was glad that she was receptive this time around. He explained about the Phonebook and how agents were being dispensed easily. The only thing he couldn't understand was, "Keeter, what the hell happened?" He hadn't had time to think about shooting his former best friend as he was far too concerned with Mac's health.

Now it, he felt the pain and the nagging feeling that something else could have stopped him. Only, if faced with Keeter's death or Mac's, Harm knew he would make the same choice - it was her and it always would be. "I know you don't want to hear this but, he was a double agent and had been for some time… I think the only reason he didn't try to kill me sooner was because of you and because we were friends."

Harm didn't want to believe her, but he remembered seeing Keeter push her under the water, intent on drowning her. The look in his eyes wasn't that of his lifelong friend, it was someone he didn't know - a killer. "He tried to kill you, I had to take the shot."

"I'm so sorry that happened. I've been trying so hard to keep you far away from me. You were never meant to get caught up in any of this." She squeezed their entwined hands and sighed heavily. "He tried to keep me out of it too I just… I was too focused on finishing the mission to see the signs." It dawned on her that during the shoot out in the club there was no reason for half of her team to have been killed. They were all skilled agents. "I am sure he killed half of my team to get them out of the way."

"Out of the way of what exactly? What was Jack involved in?"

"I broke into the home of the CSIS Minister of Public Safety. She became involved with a former Russian liaison and had been leaking intel. I copied a USB drive that had information on both the US Consulate and Embassy here in Canada which I gave to Keeter to pass to his connection in New York. That's how we worked. I would dig up info and Keeter would pass it to someone at the border." She bit her lip in thought. 'Harm was right about the phonebook. Cloutier has someone on the inside who stole it.'

Harm eyed Mac as she stood and began to pace like a lion in a cage. "What is it?"

"I have the phonebook, or a copy of it, at least." She told him as she continued to pace. When she had taken the info from Cloutier, Mac had created a backup for herself, just in case. "I gave Keeter a drive to pass onto his contact but, I kept a copy… It's why he told me I knew too much. I just didn't realize how much." There were folders that she'd never checked and information that Mac just did understand how to break into. "Damnit. They aren't after me because the Phonebook is compromised. They are after me because I have the phonebook."

Harm eyed her up and down. "You have it on you now?"

"No. I gave Keeter one copy and the other is in my apartment…. Damnit." Mac pressed her hands together, rubbing him hard as she cursed. "If Keeter had his copy still on him…Someone could have taken it."

"Cross that bridge when we get there, it's not like we can do anything about it right now." He motioned out the window to the weather that had grown increasingly worse. "Are we safe here?"

"Yes." Mac said with certainty. "When I started at the agency, Webb tried to help me out as much as possible." He had created an untraceable bank account for her as a way to keep Mac out of trouble. "No one knows about the houseboat. Not Webb. Not Keeter and no one in the agency." It was bought for cash under an alias and she would occasionally check on the home and made sure it was stocked, just in case.

Mac kept the bare minimum there, spare clothes, non-perishables, cash and a small boat that she could use for escape if needed. It ran off the grid with solar panels, batteries and a few other gadgets that she learned to jury-rig. "I have enough food to last a few months if needed. Canned goods, MREs. Chocolate." She said with a sly smile. There were a few things that girls always needed, chocolate was one of those. "Are you hungry?"

She had begun pacing again, her mind running a million miles an hour as she tried to find a safe way to get to her apartment that the USB drive she had hidden where no one would find.

"Famished." He said, but it wasn't for food. Harm was starving for her. "Mac?"

Mac didn't notice his eyes on her or the way he'd taken a keen interest when the bottom of the towel brushed her thigh. It had also dropped somewhat lower on her chest, exposing a bit more of the valley between her breasts. When she made another pass in front of him, Harm stood up and stopped her. She crashed against him, using her hands against his chest to brace herself. "Comman...Harm."

He didn't say a word, merely reached up to where she'd tucked the towel and pulled it loose. It fell from her and pooled to the ground, leaving Mac completed naked in front of him. Harm was breathing hard and he could feel his erection begin to strain almost painfully. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled Mac towards him as his mouth sought out a spot on her neck that had made her moan hours before. "Harm, no."

The moment he'd stripped the towel from her, Mac wanted him as well. She could feel her body reacting to his nearness, that sweet ache as her core clenched, anticipating him inside her. Yet, her hands came back up to his chest and she pushed him away. "I can't." He'd already done enough damage and Mac needed to keep whatever shred of sanity she had left.

She wanted him badly but was afraid of how much more it would cost her if she let him. 'There Will Never Be An Us.' The mantra began to kick into overdrive in the back of her mind and the faintest hint of a headache joined the battle. Mac made to turn away from him and his heady gaze that was making her body quiver. "Please, I can't."

"Okay." Still, his lips came over hers intent on kissing her softly and nothing else. But, what began as a slow kiss quickly grew to something more when Harm went to pull away as she wished. He wouldn't force himself on her again.

Instead, Mac drew him back to her, her hands threading through the hair at the back of his head as she brought his lips back to hers. Her heart was hammering, her mind trying to find another defense mechanism to make her stop. Instead, she followed her heart, needing the closeness of the man that she… 'There will never be an…'

Her hands slid down his chest to his waist, finding the edges of the towel that she pulled free so that it pooled the floor with her own. She ignored the protest lingering on the edges of her mind and merely reached out to touch him.

"Mac." Harm's breath hitched when she took a firm hold of his growing erection. He was surprised to find her trailing licks and kisses from his chest down to his abdomen and lower. "Oh, God. Mac."

Her hand was stroking him slowly, gently applying pressure before she dropped to her haunches and took Harm's cock into her mouth. Her tongue swirled around the tip before sucking him slowly. She took him into her mouth as much as she could. Mac felt his whole body stiffen as she began to move her mouth over his shaft. Her hands gripped his hips, holding him still while she was taking him leisurely, her mouth neary making his knees buckle from the pleasure.

Harm didn't dare question the push and pull from her, he knew that she was fighting some battle that he didn't quite understand. Instead, he gripped Mac by the shoulders and helped her stand. "I want you, now." He raised her up by the hips and threw her onto the bed following along so that his body covered hers seconds later.

His hands skimmed up the sides of her body, threading with Mac hands which he pinned down above her head as he kissed her. She tried to loosen his grip but he only held her down harder.

"Harm, I want to touch you." Mac said as she struggled against his hold. She ached to run her hands over his body and feel the hard ridges of his muscles on her fingertips.

She groaned in frustration when he used one of his larger hands to pin down both of hers. His other hand came over her breast. "Harm please." Her legs came up around his waist as she tried to buckle against him. "Please."

Harm released his grip on her and almost chuckled when her hands moved over him. She started at his shoulders and then moved over his chest and around to the expanse of his back and down his ass. "Your beautiful." She admitted as one hand slipped between them taking his length in her hand. "Please, Harm."

He guided himself slowly into her depths and remained impossibly still as she accommodated to his size. Their first time had practically been savage and this time he wanted to take his time and really make love to her. "I love you, Mac." He pulled out of her and thrust into her beginning a slow, methodical movement.

Mac matched him thrust for thrust, raising up to take him in deeper. "Faster." She practically begged, needing to feel the heady release that she'd only experienced with him.

Harm's hands began moving up her body, skimming her ribs and up her arms until he threaded his hands with hers again. He pinned her hands down as his body loved hers. The feeling of being held down and controlled by Harm made her desire much more ardent.

He increased his pace fueled by Mac's words of encouragement and the delicious way she moaned his name. Releasing her, he slipped a hand between them and began to massage her clit with his thumb. "Oh. Harm."

Mac's hands wrapped around his forearms, gripping tightly when one exquisite wave of orgasm washed over her. Harm quickened his thrusts as he felt his body about to tumble over the edge. He cried out her name as he came.

Even as he spilled himself into her, Harm kept thrusting until she came again. Exhausted, he rolled off of her and onto his back trying to catch his breath. "Christ, Mac what you do to me."

After a few minutes he rolled to his side and pulled Mac to him. "I love you, Mac… I need you to know that."

And something about his admission tore at her heart. No matter what she felt, Mac couldn't admit it not to him or herself. She sighed when he leaned forward and kissed her.

His lips moved over hers slowly and it wasn't desired that charged Harm's action but love. He kissed her recently as his arm held her close to him. "I mean it, Mac. I love you and I always will."

Mac kissed him back in order to stop his worst or worse, stop him from asking what she felt in kind. "I know, Harm. I know." His grip tightened on her and she could see his eyes growing heavy. "Sleep, Harm. I promise I'm not going anywhere."