A/N: This is also a piece of the story from a later chapter where Kanan is remembering the past. I will be expanding this scene at a later time.
Kanan's Sacrifice:
D18/1 BBY, Lothal
Hera! Hera was hurt! He had to go back for her. She needed help. He'd felt her crash. He'd felt her pass out and then wake up a few minutes later. He felt the pain in her arm and ribs and head, but she moved on anyway, on her way out of the city. That was good. Escaping was good. Hera would be okay. She was strong.
And then everything wasn't good anymore. She was caught! Hera was fighting! More pain! Someone was hitting her and she was letting them so Mart and Chopper could escape. Why did she have to be so self sacrificing when he NEEDED her? Needed her to be alive and keep him sane in the crazy world they lived in. Needed her to come back so they could raise their child together.
He was going to tell her about the baby before she left with the flight data recorder, but things had gotten hectic, as usual. At least he got to kiss her before she left, even if it was in front of the others, he didn't care. Sometimes, they didn't get a goodbye kiss before they were parted and he hated those times. Hera was his everything. He loved her. Loved her so much. Sometimes, he didn't think she realized how much, and then she would do something like that. Kiss him in front of everyone and say everything that needed to be said with actions alone. And that last thing she said to him: 'May the Force be with you.' It was her way of saying, 'I love you,' without actually saying the words because she was still too shy to say it in front of others and still had the natural instinct to hide their relationship under a guise of professionalism. He understood, and it was more than enough for him.
As he raced down the empty roadway, raced to his Hera to rescue her, he saw something; a flitter in the Force. And then it was more than a shadow. There was a wolf! In the road! In his way! Kanan turned the bike and hit the pavement hard, rolling with the impact. He rose to his feet, ignoring the pain as he'd been taught so many years ago in the Temple, looking for the wolf.
There was nothing. Nothing in the Force for him to see around him. The Force figure of a wolf was gone. "Where are you?" he yelled. "I don't have time for this! If you want to help, fine!" Kanan called as he stomped back to his bike, thoroughly pissed off. "Otherwise, stay out of my way!"
He straddled his bike and turned it back towards the city, and suddenly, the signature of the wolf is back, growling right in his face. Kanan startled and suppressed the urge to growl right back at it, knowing the lothwolf would probably take that as an invite to bite his head off. Literally.
Kanan forced himself to be calmer, breathing deeply twice. He got back off the bike and stared up at the massive wolf that towered above his head. "What do you want?" he asked it, as calmly as he could manage.
The wolf stared right back at him. Kanan could feel the intensity of its perusal as it studied him, deciding whether or not he was worthy. "DUME," it finally rumbled out.
Despite hearing it before from a lothwolf, it still took Kanan aback to hear his original name from the mouth of a wolf. A name he'd given up long ago, to survive in a world where Jedi were hunted for fun, money, prestige, or by the orders of a corrupt Emperor.
As they stared at each other, connecting in the Force, the wolf showed Kanan images of what would happen if he went into the city right now. None of them were good. He would be injured. Captured. Tortured. Hera would be tortured for weeks until she finally couldn't take it anymore and gave up fighting to live. Ezra, Sabine, and Zeb would try to rescue them and fail, all three of them dying in the process.
Kanan pulled off his mask, feeling horribly conflicted and sick to his stomach, needing even the illusion of more air to breath and space to live in. After pushing aside the nausea, Kanan calmed himself once again. "I understand," he said to the wolf. "What must I do?" What would it take to get his Hera back?
More images, shocking ones. But acceptable. Hera would live. Their baby would live. Ezra, Sabine and Zeb would live. That was all he needed. And just as a little icing on the cake, the fuel depot would be destroyed and Thrawn's TIE Defenders would be put on hold. Indefinitely.
Just as Kanan was about to turn away from the lothwolf, thinking there was nothing more to see, the wolf showed him one more thing. A giant wolf, three times bigger than the rest, and this one was named Dume.
Kanan had a lot to think about as he raced to a different section of the city to rescue Mart and Chopper from the tunnels before troopers caught up to them. The wolf had shown him his immediate future, which he thought was pretty sucky, but there was a glimmer of hope at the end. The wolf implied that Kanan could move beyond what he was and live as something else, something more. Perhaps it wasn't ideal, but he would take what he could get.
The next two days were torture for Kanan. He could feel everything they did to Hera, and it was all he could do to keep himself calm so as not to alarm Ezra and Sabine even further than they already were. He spent most of his time meditating, catching glimpses of the future and snatches of the past. Mostly voices. Some images. But those were brief and often blurry. Nothing as strong as the images from the wolf. But the voices were clear, and some of them, especially Ezra's and Hera's, made his chest ache with pain.
"The Jedi Temple is in danger." (Ezra)
"We'll see each other again. I promise." (Kanan)
"Kanan, you haven't got me a present since we first met." (Hera)
"You can learn what it truly means to be a Jedi." (Kanan)
"Ezra! Is this you?" (Sabine)
"You didn't prepare me for this, Kanan." (Ezra)
"See. I can't lose. And you know we need the credits." (Zeb)
"We are fighting a bigger fight, but it's still the right fight." (Hera)
"Whatever happens next, happens to both of us." (Thrawn)
"There's something I need to tell you." (Kanan)
"I know I can always count on you." (Ezra)
"Do not say you're proud of me." (Sabine)
"You could always see me." (Hera)
"And remember, the Force will be with you. Always." (Ezra)
"Ohh, that is only funny because you're still alive. Now please, come home, love." (Hera)
His mind was so full of pieces of the future and the past, Kanan wasn't even one hundred percent sure what was going to happen anymore, at least not between this moment and the very end. That was when he decided to give the mission to Ezra to organize. Ezra's mind was clearer than his by a long shot and he was more than capable of shouldering the responsibility.
And he was right in his faith in his Padawan. Ezra didn't let him down. He came up with a brilliant plan. Kanan had never been prouder of him than he was right now. Ezra had turned into everything Kanan had always hoped he could be and so much more. Now if only Sabine would get with the program and see it too. The poor boy had waited long enough for Sabine to see Ezra as more than a child with a crush. Kanan knew perfectly well what Ezra felt for Sabine, since Ezra really wasn't all that great at hiding his feelings from their Master/Padawan bond. Poor kid had been waiting even longer than it took him to win Hera. And that had been more than long enough.
The time finally came when everything was ready to go. Everything except Kanan that is. If Kanan was going to go out in a blaze of glory, he wanted to do it as his original self and not the person he'd been hiding as for more than half his life. Not that there was anything wrong with being Kanan Jarrus. Kanan Jarrus had a lot going for him, including the girl of his dreams with the perfect, heart melting voice. But Kanan Jarrus was an image on top of reality. He was born Caleb Dume. He lived for fourteen years as Caleb Dume, the Jedi. Now he was going to end it the way it began; as Caleb Dume. In his heart, he would always be Kanan now, but the person who was going to give up everything to save everyone, that had to be Caleb Dume. To him, it felt like he was finally making up for running away, even if his Master had ordered him to. Caleb Dume should have died that day, alongside almost every other Jedi in the galaxy. He was finally making things right.
And so Kanan cut off the long hair that Hera loved to bury her fingers in. He shaved the beard that made her giggle. And he left the mask behind. Kanan felt naked. And resigned. And yet somehow, also free. For the first time in eighteen years, Kanan wasn't hiding anything of who he was. Kanan WAS Caleb Dume, and Caleb Dume was Kanan.
He was ready.
Ezra's plan worked perfectly. But they were still torturing Hera. It made it really hard to appreciate anything else.
Saying goodbye to Zeb was painful, but Kanan knew the lasat would be okay. He had a new friend to lean on.
The glider was actually fun, but Kanan was almost too worried to notice.
Saying goodbye to Ezra and Sabine for the last time, even if they didn't know it, hurt. Even more than he thought it would.
Climbing down the outside of the Dome was somewhat nerve-wracking, but again, too worried to notice much. Hera's screams were still vibrating through his mind from minutes ago. When he sensed her Kalikori, he almost went past it, still worried about Hera, but something made him stop and get it. Maybe it was that line he'd heard her say about giving presents. Maybe it was just the fact that he knew how much it meant to her. He knew she'd rather take another minute of torture than leave it behind. So he got her Kalikori, cutting a hole in Thrawn's office window and calling it to him with the Force, despite everything in him that was screaming 'GET Hera. SAVE Hera'.
He finally made it to the office where she was being kept. Pryce's office. Nothing would make him happier than to strap that witch into the torture device she'd so happily used on his Hera, but there wasn't time. And revenge was not the way of the Jedi. Something he had to keep telling himself over and over as he found Hera drugged out of her mind and weak and pale and missing a few pounds like they hadn't fed her. But she was alive, and the life Force of their baby was still strong, despite the odds against it. Kanan had to be happy with that.
Dropping the stormtrooper out the hole in the floor he made was satisfying. Throwing the other trooper out the window more so. But what he really enjoyed was stabbing the mind probe droid and kicking it out the hole in the floor. That was something he'd wanted to do for years; ever since he'd been captured by the Grand Inquisitor and had his own week of torture at Imperial hands.
He got Hera free and he wished circumstances were different. Because a drugged up Hera had to be the cutest thing he'd ever seen. She hadn't been this carefree and fun for years. Maybe never. It made him wonder what their life would have been like if they lived past the war and she had no more worries on her mind. She even teased him about his 'present' of her Kalikori and his new hair cut. (Although she might have been serious about hating his hair.) When was the last time she teased him about anything? Three years ago? Four? Oh how he wished they lived in a different world. And now he was leaving her with even more worries and he wouldn't be there to help her. Kanan felt his heart break yet again at the thought.
He tried to tell Hera about the baby, but they were interrupted, multiple times. Eventually he just gave up. Perhaps he wasn't meant to tell her? With more fighting than he cared to think about, and the loss of his lightsabre, which almost stopped his heart, but the Force reassured him it would be okay, they finally got off the Dome and back in the air on a glider. A glider which was soon burning, the stench of smouldering cloth like an omen of doom in his nostrils. Like he needed the reminder.
Despite everything in him not wanting to go there, Kanan told Hera to aim for the Fuel Depot. The crash landing was 'interesting', but Kanan made sure Hera stayed safe on the glider while he rolled on the duracrete for the second time in three days. More pain to push away. It had nothing on the ache in his heart anyway. Knowing time was short, he practically dragged Hera to the top of the Fuel Pod.
And suddenly they had a minute. A whole minute to themselves while they waited for Ezra and Sabine to arrive. Maybe this was the perfect time to tell Hera? Kanan was just about to when she started first. Her eyes were still dilated, which meant the drug was still roaring through her system, but she wasn't being funny anymore. Hera was dead serious when she said, "Kanan, will you marry me?"
Kanan almost died of shock. Kanan almost cried at finally getting his hearts desire when the end was so near and he tried to cover it up with a joke. "That's just the drugs talking."
Hera cupped his face in her hands. He could feel her intense focus on him. "No, love. It's me. Just me. I love you, Kanan."
Kanan had no words. He cupped her face in return and they had their final kiss goodbye. It was a perfect kiss, in his opinion. Sweet and soft, and full of all the love they had for each other. Kanan was ready to die as a very happy man.
Ezra and Sabine arrived, pulling him away from his perfect last moment with his perfect girl. He knew it wasn't possible, but Kanan wanted to live in that moment forever.
Kanan almost had Hera in the gunship when the Force rang with a warning. He ran. Only five steps, but he'd never covered five steps so quickly in his life. By the time the flames reached him, he already had a shield up. Having some warning had been helpful, but it would have been nice to get it just a couple seconds earlier.
Hera screamed his name. A scream that would haunt him into the afterlife he was sure. She ran towards him. NO! Hera couldn't do that! She must go with Ezra and Sabine. On the gunship. Back to safety. Back to where she would survive. Kanan gave up one of his hands on his shield to stop Hera. He held her in the air, almost all of his focus on her Force signature, needing to see her just one last time.
As the moment dragged into eternity, Kanan had such a connection to the Force that he suddenly knew how to heal his eyes. It was like someone just put the knowledge in his mind. So he did. He channelled a small amount of the Force that was swirling around him like a hurricane into his eyes and there she was. He was keeping his promise and finally seeing her again. His beautiful Hera. Terrified. Drugged. Floating because he made it so. But so beautiful. Her eyes were still as green as he remembered and her face just as breathtaking. The orange prison suit was a wretched colour on her but it showcased every one of her assets, which made him just a little mad that the Imperials had been ogling his Hera in that. Couldn't they have given her something a little looser to wear?
"Seriously?" a female voice said in his mind. "That's going to be your last thought?"
Kanan was almost startled but he kept his focus on his shield and holding Hera. Better last thought: I love you, Hera. He threw her back to Ezra and into his arms. And then leaving the fire to do as it wished, Kanan used all of his strength in the Force to throw the gunship as far from the blast as he could.
He had half a second to register the pain of the flames rushing over his skin before the voice in his head said "GIVE YOURSELF TO THE FORCE!"
So he did. Kanan put his entire self into the Force and left the flames behind. Only his clothes were consumed by the explosion that rocked Capital City and broke the hearts of the three most important people in his life.
Kanan stood in the utter tranquility of the Force and there in front of him was his Master. "Master Billaba! Depa!" he cried joyfully, running to hug her. "I thought I recognized your voice in my head."
Depa smiled at him and returned the hug. "It's good to see you too, Caleb. I've been watching you, and I am really proud of you."
Kanan looked down at the woman he remembered being so much taller than him. "Thank you, Master."
She stepped back and held him by his shoulders, looking very serious now. "You have a choice now, Caleb. You can stay in the Force like most of us or you can travel between it and the real world as a Ghost. There are a few other options as well, but almost no one ever takes those."
Kanan raised a brow. "Does one of the unusual options involve my becoming a lothwolf?" he managed to say completely straight-faced. "Because I saw that in a vision."
Depa blinked then laughed. "Oh, Caleb, I've missed your sense of humour. So many of the Masters here don't have one," she whispered with twinkling eyes. "Become a wolf? I don't think so. But use a wolf as a conduit? Now that we can probably do." She gestured for him to follow her. "Come. We'll have to talk to some of the others who know more about this than I. I sense you are in a hurry to get back to your family."
Kanan nodded and followed her. "Yes. Our work on Lothal is not done. The Empire is not yet gone and they have control of the Jedi Temple. The wolves are very worried."
Depa nodded in understanding. "Very well. We have much to do then if you are going to be of help to your Padawan."