Because of her

Chapter 10

Part 2

Day two of our exploration of the city was as great as the first one, we went to a nearby town to see its beaches and of course its people, we rented a tent near the sea and we used that space to relax and drink a coconut ... yes, a coconut and some kind of pineapple drink too, those were delicious and slightly different from the ones I've tried on other beaches.

We didn't talk much about the events of the previous night, we just sat down to enjoy the sun and the sound of the waves hitting the shore, then we went for a swim, let's say that my white skin was not taking in the sunlight well unlike Callie and her naturally tanned skin ... she's just gorgeous.

She was lying next to me on one of those beach chairs while I was reading a book and the same question was still hanging around my mind so much that I couldn't get past the same four-line paragraph I was reading, so I just asked.

"How many before me?" I asked nervously without looking away from my book, when she didn't answer, I looked in her direction, she was looking at me and although she had sunglasses on, I could tell she was confused. "How many people have you been with before me?" I repeated more elaborated this time.

"Why are you asking?" She asked back, answering with a question, I began to notice that she did that a lot when she either didn't want to talk about a topic or was buying time to think about the right answer ... I didn't want right, I wanted honesty.

"I'm just curious." I said closing my book, I was not interested in it anymore.

"Yes, but why? That is unimportant." She looked away and I knew she was trying to shut down the conversation.

"Well, it's important to me, why can't you answer? Are they too many?" I regretted saying that the second that question left my lips.

Callie put her sunglasses on her head and sat upright on the beach chair and looked me directly in the eye. I tried to apologize, but she spoke first, "You know why, because to me it sounds awfully close to - how many people have you slept with? - I do not want to talk about it, so please, let it be, is the second time you slut-shamed me, you have to stop that too."

I took off my own sunglasses and looked at her closely, "I'm sorry about that, it wasn't my intention to sound so harsh, but- "

"Arizona ..." She interrupted in a clearly annoyed tone of warning.

"But I just want to know if this is a normal occurrence for you or just something random, to have mistresses on the side."

"You're not a mistress, Arizona."

"Well, I'm certainly not your wife, so what am I then? Who am I to you?" That was the real question that ran through my mind all this time and for my life I wanted an honest answer to it.

She didn't respond immediately but when she finally did, I felt disappointed, "Three, Emily, Daniela and Tea." She preferred to give me the names of the women she has been with, than to answer that simple - yet important - question. "Emily was the last one before you, none of them stayed long enough, Daniela just wanted me for my money and Tea left with someone else, Nicolas is the only one who has stayed since the beginning, I trust him and he is easier. "She finally said annoyed, I knew then that I had touched a fiber there.

But what she said made me think, "How long have you been doing this? Open marriage, I mean."

She was silent for a few seconds without taking her gaze from mine, then she put her sunglasses back on and leaned back in her chair. "For a long damn time."

I didn't say anything more after that, but after a while, a new doubt resurfaced, "What if I find someone else to be with too?" I couldn't imagine myself being with someone else but it was a valid question anyways.

I saw her clenched her chin, moisten her lips and say, "If that's what you want."

"Even if I'm with you?" I asked and noticed how she wrung her hands in her lap, she was uneasy.

"I cannot ask you to be only with me when I'm not only with you, that wouldn't be fair, so, yes, if that's what you want," she answered through clenched teeth.

Obviously, that was not the answer I expected, but then again, I didn't know what to expect from her.

When we got back to the hotel, there was still some tension between us because of our conversation, she was distant and the questions kept invading my head, like, what about children? What happens if she decides she wants to have children or the person she is with wants to have them? So, what happens then? I didn't say or ask anything, but doubts flooded my mind and I could understand her refusal to have sex the night before because of it ... she has this way of making you feel understood, supported and protected, that sometimes is hard to believe when you remember that you are not the only one, so you start to ask yourself, is she in the same way with her wife? Nicolas? Even the other women at the time?

I remember feeling overwhelmed with so many doubts and questions in my head.

"Are you going to the shower first or can I go?" her question got me out of my own psychological confinement.

"I want to go first, if you don't mind," I said softly.

"Not at all, go ahead."

"I won't be long." I wanted to get out of there, not from the space I shared with her, but from my head, it was not her fault that I felt so overwhelmed, it was not her fault that I couldn't shut up my thoughts ... after all, I chose to be here.

When I came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around my head and another on my body, I heard Callie's voice and another person inside the room, at first I thought it was only the room service, but as I approached I noticed in the main room that she was talking to someone on her computer, a man...

"What did you expect to happen, Callie?" The man on the screen asked, his voice deep, demanding, almost intimidating the first time I heard it. "This can't be easy for her, either."

"I don't know, Nicolas, maybe all this was a mistake." I froze in the spot, so that was Nicolas.

I didn't want to make my presence known so I just kept eavesdropping to their conversation ... very mature and adult on my part, I know.

"You always say the same thing, but you never do anything to change it." He was bold, she had never heard anyone speak to her like that, normally she is the one who inspires power and control always in command, he, by his words and tone of voice, seems to be the one in charge. It was something new to me.

"She asked me if she could be with someone else while we were together." Callie said and I felt my heart sink to hear that she was talking about me with him.

"And what did you say?" Nicolas asked calmly.

"What do you think? That she can do whatever she wants." Callie responded with annoyance in her voice.

"That is the correct answer, it wouldn't be fair for you to ask her to -"

Nicolas was interrupted, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all that, it's not fair to ask her to just be with me, I already know that, it doesn't mean I like it, I'm a selfish person I know that." Callie said, her words gave me all kinds of positive vibes because she was admitting that it would bother her if I were with another person and others not so good vibes because she has no right to get angry or bothered, after all she's the one who's married to someone else.

"What do you want, Callie?" Nicolas asked after a few seconds of silence, his voice, despite being thick and deep, was heard soft and understanding.

"Since when does it matter what I wanted?" Callie leaned her head on the table, leaving me completely uncovered, then I saw him.

"Is that her?" And he saw me.

Callie turned in her chair and saw me standing there, the look in her eyes was indecipherable, I didn't say anything, I turned around walking towards the bathroom again. "She's pretty." It was the last thing I heard before closing the door.

When I returned to the room, I found Callie lying on the bed, her back on the headboard, I tried to ignore her while I put on some clothes, but I could feel her eyes on me burning holes on my back.

"Do you ever want to meet them?" She asked with certainly.

I frowned, finished putting on a light navy-blue blouse before looking at her and asking, "Meet who?"

"Nicolas and Sara, do you ever want to meet them?" I was surprised by her question because the answer was a clear as water no, obviously I did not want to know them, that would make it more real, the fact that she has baggage and not one easy to carry on everywhere.

I wanted to give her some sassy respond, but instead, "I would rather not," I simply said.

"Nicolas wants to meet you, he's a great guy, I'm sure you'd like him." She walked toward me.

I remained silent contemplating her words. Just out of curiosity, I wanted to know who this Nicolas person was, who was able to talk to Callie the way he did even if I just heard a fragment of a conversation, he knew Callie so much that he was unfazed by her and her demanding presence... I wanted to know why.

I put my hands on her shoulders, sitting her on the edge of the bed before climbing on her lap, she was surprised at my change of attitude, but still I didn't say anything.

I just looked at her and managed to go over every detail of her face, she has an almost imperceptible mole on one side of her left eye, I caressed the place with the tips of my fingers and then her eyebrows, her nose, her cheeks, until I reached her lips ... I was mesmerized or rather idiotized with her beauty, her bearing and presence and I wished, I wished so hard, that she could be only mine, that she would notice I was right in front of her, willing to give her everything, to give myself if she asked me ... but she never did.

"I don't want to be with anyone else, but if I ever do, I'll tell you." I remember the feeling of her lips on mine after that, the kiss was slow and languid and soft and passionate and all at the same time, her hands rested on my thighs, they were warm, she was warm...

While we were kissing in bed, I thought, why can't she be with only me? What can I not give her? Why can't she choose me? Am I not enough? I could give her everything and make her as happy as she has been in these two days despite our little argument a few hours ago, but still, if she wanted, I could be her everything. Then I thought ... Is this how her wife feels? By knowing that she is with other people? Was she not enough for Callie either? Or is she simply unable to be with just one person?

"One phone call," I looked into her eyes when we parted to get some air, her lips were swollen and her eyes black as night, she was aroused and if that wasn't enough confirmation, I just had to feel her nails being buried on the skin of my thighs. "With Nicolas." I continued ... I wanted to know. I kissed her once more with fervor and longing for something else, something I wasn't yet ready to give up. "But Sara, I never, ever, want to meet your wife." I took it upon myself to make her see that I was being dead serious, I did not want to have to see that woman and realize that she was everything I feared, to see myself reflected in her.

I was sitting alone on the park bench near the Mental Health Center hurting myself with those memories that cause me pain as well as nostalgia. My therapist says it's time to move on… Yeah, I'm going to therapy, after giving it a lot of thought and consideration. I didn't want to accept that maybe therapy was a good option, contrary of publics believes, it's hard for psychologists to accept their own needs.

I didn't know how I got here, I used to be so different from this pathetic loser that let herself be carried away by a feeling. Yes, Callie is capable of love, but to love Calliope Torres is not as sweet as anyone could think.

She changed me in ways that I am just now beginning to understand, our relationship, although shortly lived, has left a brand on me that cannot be erased by anyone who comes after her.

I didn't used to believe in love, not one like this one, no. Not in one that cuts you and hits you and hurts you until it only remains some small and incapable parts of yourself, not one where you give small parts of yourself, parts that you can never take back again.

"Hey, can I sit here?" what on earth is she doing here?

What do you think about Arizona's doubts? Are they valid? And what about what Callie really wants? Let me know what you think people.

Next chapter will possibly be up by Friday