Just so you know, I don't make the changes between memories, flashbacks or even points of view because that's the way I want it, it's not a mistakes is just the way I want the story to be read
Hope you like it!
Because of Her
Chapter 15
I imagine that not many of you are very happy with my lack of clarity on the latest events, but honestly, I don't even know how to talk about it without seeming to be perpetually confused.
Did I listen well? Is she telling me those three words...to me?
Everyone always tries to make a big deal out of those words and the weight they carry on, to me, even if it's nice to hear them or say them, I don't think it's such a big deal. It's almost like when people talk about virginity and the proper way for you to lose it, nobody ever tells you the truth about the matter, instead they sweeten what is one of the most painful moments of your adolescence, if you had that luck or in my case, in adulthood, when I was in college.
Whoever you ask would said that it is a beautiful moment that you will want to remember with joy, that it is about connecting with the other person, that it has to be special and authentic in a magical and memorable place ... bullshit… nobody ever tells you how much it hurts to feel a part of another person's body entering such an intimate small place of yourself and the paralyzing fear that you will for sure feel when that happens, nobody warns you about the unknown feeling you have when the other person is on you suffocating you with their body and how, despite the fact that you enjoy caresses and kisses, you still feel fear, fear that you won't like it, that you won't feel anything, that you won't make your partner feel anything either, fear that it hurts, fear that the next day you regret it and when it finally happens and you try to feel pleasure and joy, what you actually feel is a sharp pain that makes you shut your eyes and pray to whoever god you pray to hurry and end everything. Nobody ever tells you that you will not feel pleasure, that it is a lie that you reach orgasm the first time ... what pleasure you would you feel with such pain between your legs? ... Nobody warns you about it, instead they lie and put this illusion into your head and that is exactly what happens when people talk about love.
People lie to you about love all the time and the importance of saying those simple words, poets often will say that the use of those simple words carries a greater weight and meaning, but when you grow up you realize that what they tell you in movies and books it's only fiction.
I'm not saying that we are unable to love, on the contrary, I think we love a lot, but we live out of expectations as if it limited to our own lives, our stories are different, our personalities are different and so our experience with love will be too, especially if we just believe in words and not in the facts.
I knew she felt things for me ... attraction, desire, appreciation, admiration perhaps ... those are some that come to my mind.
But nothing that she and I had been through in the past few months indicated to me that she could feel love for me. I love her, I knew that I love her, I love her stubbornness, her kindness, her beauty, her humility and simplicity in her thinking, her need to watch all the superhero movies and then compare and rank them by powers, her human quality, her dark humor, the way she likes coffee - two sugar, three of powdered milk and a quarter of instant coffee - the way her hand wraps mine or how she says my name, how soft her lips are against mine and the way her smile lights her face - just thinking of that smile puts one on mine - even her need to hold onto control, even when I hate it most, I love her.
I know I love her, but I don't know whether to believe she loves me, just because she says those three vague words. Words mean nothing, facts do… I don't know, maybe she did it in her own way, but I'm not sure that's the way I want to be loved.
But, let's talk about that later, would you like me to finally tell you about our conversation? How did we get to this precarious situation? Why not let her tell you that part, I imagine she deserves to tell her part of the story without intermediaries.
She told me to write this to you, I don't even know who you are or why she writes to you, but I'm no one to judge how people talk about their feelings or emotions, but she asked if I could and I couldn't say no, so here goes everything.
My name is Callie, as you will know and I'm in love...
She and I went up to my hotel room and while we were standing in the elevator waiting to reach my floor, I just wanted to stretch my hand and touch her hair. She was in front of me, her hair was blonder than I remembered, to be honest, her face was slowly fading into my memory, but her smile, often flushed cheeks and dimples on either side of her face made me remember her essence, her scent, who she was. Bad memory, my therapist said when I was a child, when I was in rehabilitation for over three years due to a mild cerebral sequela - I fell from a tree hitting the side of my head affecting my language and memory - only bad memory my therapist used to said, I mean, the faces made it much harder to keep them in my memory over short periods of time and I desperately wanted not to forget her ... Hers is beautiful.
So I took precautions, when we started to have intimacy, one day while we were in bed, I just took my phone and took a picture of her magical and perfect face, she was mortified, something about messy hair and no makeup on, I just I laughed at her, kissed her noise and told her that at that exact moment she was beautiful to me and just wanted to keep the memory.
It was when I knew that I loved her.
She was important enough not to want to forget her face and everything about her, so I made it my priority to kind of document her beautiful face whenever I could, with every photo I took, there was a memory to keep and with them a growing love almost against my will.
"Is this it?" She turned around pointing outside the elevator.
I nodded and replied, "Yes, room 502." She let me lead the way; we walked into the room and I noticed the surprise on her face. "Isn't what you were expecting?" I couldn't help asking with a chuckle.
She lowered her head almost ashamed, "It's just that I'm not used to the idea of a standard room for you, I mean, this is so different from Seattle." She said sticking her hands in her coat pockets, she was nervous or so I thought... I used to be very good at reading people, now I don't know anymore.
"Well, Seattle was not just a room, it was a place to live." I responded quickly. "Here, I'm like on a forced vacation, nobody knows that I'm here, except my lawyer, of course." I said leaving my phone on the bedside table. She was right, that was a regular room, king bed, ocean view, TV and a minibar.
"Your lawyer." Her questioning look took me by surprise, I didn't know what to think of that look she gave me ... I used to read her so easily, I guess no more. "Nicolas, you mean." Oh that was when I understood.
"Yes, Nicolas, is that a problem?" I asked raising my eyebrow, not in an accusatory manner, just curious.
"No, not at all, he's a great man, as you said." Her words made me frown, somehow I didn't understand the meaning behind her words. Before I could ask for more, she said to me. "So you're getting divorced, is that true or just a trick?"
I tilted my head almost surprised with this level of sassiness from her. "I would never trick you, Arizona." I replied with a half-sided smile. "Yes, I'm getting divorced as I told you before."
"Is that why you hide in your own hotel in Los Angeles?" I like this sassy version of her. She raised her eyebrow almost defying my answer. "Are you that scared of your wife?"
I let out a laugh, I couldn't help myself, fear was the least I felt for Sara. "First of all, I'm not scared of her, second, I'm not hiding, I just want my privacy secured and third... she is not my wife anymore."
"You just said you're getting divorced, which means she is still your wife -"
"There's only signing the papers left to do and I will be a free woman to do what I please." I responded quickly.
She took off her light coat placing it on the bed, "I'm sure you will."
"I didn't mean it like that, Arizona." I felt like she accused me of something and I didn't like it. I sat on the edge of the bed while she took a wooden chair and sat in front of me, leg on the other and arms on the chest, if that does not show defensive attitude, I don't know what it does.
"I do not care what you do or who you do, Callie."
"Clearly." I shot back quickly.
"You have no control over me, Callie." She practically shouted, letting her arms out in air in despair ... what a way to prove a point. I just smiled. "Why are you getting divorced? I thought you had the perfect relationship." She asked after several seconds of silence.
"No relationship is perfect." I replied, "But, my relationship with Sara wasn't working anymore, so it was time to end it, except now she doesn't want to end it, she doesn't want to sign the divorce papers."
"Maybe it's because there is still love there."
I laughed at her words, "Believe me, this is not because of love." I said bitterly. "She wants my money." The surprise in her gaze tells me that she didn't expect to hear that. "She wants half of my hotels… especially the hotel in Cartagena." I looked at her sideways, not wanting to expose more.
"And you don't want to give it to her." It wasn't a question, it was a fact.
"Of course not, these hotels and everything I have, I have it by my own effort, I work hard to get them, they are my legacy, which cost me so much to get even when everyone in my family turned their backs on me. Giving up my work is like giving up myself, she is just bitter and resentful because I wouldn't give her what she wanted." I began to get angry just thinking about her audacity.
"Which was what?"
I took a deep breath before answering, "A baby." Her face softened while uncrossing her legs ... she was really listening now, that was my chance. "When we first met, she was this compound person, full of virtues, beautiful of course, but also ambitious; she didn't take no for answers and she liked a good challenge too." I explained calmly. "I was her challenge." I said without looking in her direction, I was then in my memories, where Sara's face became increasingly blurred. "She was also kind, funny, gracious with principles and a good heart. She was the kind of woman you take to meet your parents and that I did, my parents didn't like her for the simple fact that she was a woman, they still believed that I should be with someone like Nicolas, even Aria hated her and I didn't know why, but I persisted and made her my wife, against all of them. "
"How did all that take you to where you are now?" Arizona urged for answers to her questions, I know for a fact that she has many and I intend to give them to her.
"I had to convince her, you know? The marriage thing, she didn't want it, she said that without the blessing of my family, our marriage was doomed to fail, I convinced her and she agreed or so I thought." I smiled bitterly again, "She wanted to make me believe it was a risk that I have to make, something that appealed me to her, you know, like what you can't have you want it even more, I stopped being her challenge and she became mine." Arizona listened intently without interrupting me. "After the wedding, my only purpose was to give her what she wanted, always, I loved her…" I ponder her reaction to my words and I could see the discomfort in her body language.
After a few moments of silence, she finally spoke again. "So you just fell into this open marriage thing to make her happy?"
"Yeah, basically, she just had to name it and I would get it for her, whatever she wanted, I gave up things like my relationship with my sister, it cost me my remaining relationship with my parents, even Nicolas for a while there and the idea…" It was hard for me to say.
"The idea of what?" She pressed for an answer.
"The idea of having a family." I finally completed my sentence and my eyes filled with tears instantly. "She didn't want to have children, but I wanted them since I was a child, I resigned myself to the prospect of a childless life if it meant I'd be with her." How stupid was I to accept those terms? "Then the open marriage came along, at first everything was new and uncomfortable and I didn't feel at ease, I felt like I was cheating on her, until eventually the feeling of guilt disappeared, I traveled so much that I spent more time with strangers and other people than her, who was my wife, while she did the same still in Miami."
"Callie, I am very sorry that this happened with your relationship, because of the way you speak I know you really loved her." And there she was, always compassionate and understanding… more of the many aspects I love about her.
"I don't fall in love easily… I'm not kidding." I giggled at her eye roll; it was such a cliché sentence. "It's hard for me to connect with people on a level where I feel comfortable enough to trust them and just be myself." I tried to explain. "That didn't happen with you."
"So now you're going to tell me that with me you felt an instant connection that led you to trust me enough to be who you really are without fear of being harmed or heartbroken?" She asked skepticism in her voice.
I laughed loudly, "What do you think this is, a rom-com movie?" She raised her eyebrow at my question. "No, of course that didn't happen, trust is earned over time, you were just a beautiful women in a bar who kept undressing me with her eyes from the distance."
"I was not!" She shouted out offended, but with a wide smile on her lips… there were her dimples again, just as I remember them from my photographs.
"You totally were, there is no shame in it, I know I'm hot and by the way I was doing the exact same thing and you know it." I said with confidence.
"Well, that I have no doubt of." We laugh at her response.
When the laughter died down, I continued, "I learned how to read you, your behavior, your answers were almost automatic for me, there was no question that you would answered that I didn't know the possible respond for. I knew what buttons to press to get a reaction from you, I knew how to read your body language, when to move forward, when to stop and when to do it cautiously. I studied you, your reflexes, your features, your mannerisms, your nonverbal responses… Everything." I felt her gaze burn on my cheek, I felt the anger towards me. "I did all that until I knew I could trust you."
"So you manipulated me all that time?" I turned my gaze to her and her eyes shone with a mixture of pain, frustration and rage.
"Yes, to a certain extent I did, until I felt it wasn't necessary." I got up and walked towards the balcony of my room, her eyes still on me.
"And when was that exactly?" She asked from her place in the chair in front of the bed.
"Honestly, I don't know ... probably back to Cartagena." I said thoughtfully. "Nothing was the same after Cartagena." I commented quietly, but I'm sure she heard. "The ironic part of all this is that apparently I have been trusting the wrong person all this time."
"What do you mean?"
"A few months ago, when Sara find out I had taken you with me to Cartagena, she got mad, crazy mad, I have never taken her to Cartagena, she doesn't even know the hotel, I don't know why, she just has never gone there and she has never been to the city before, so she got angry and accused me of wanting to leave her for one of my 'lovers', I told her several times that would never happen but she kept pushing." I walked back to the edge of the bed and sat in front to Arizona again. "Then she started talking about babies, I ignored her comments and spent more time with you back in Seattle and that bothered her even more." I lowered my head almost in shame while feeling Arizona's body leaning to mine.
"I really want to know what happened and what is currently happening now, but if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, that's fine too, Calliope."
I let out a light giggle, "I feel comfortable talking with you about anything." I said staring into her blue eyes. "Anyway, when she told me about the baby and I said no, she got angry again and asked me if it was because of you that I didn't want what I always asked for, but I didn't fight to have with her anymore, I told her the true and said yes. " The surprise on her face was hard to ignore… I remember wondering if she really had no clue what my feelings were towards her.
"Why would you say something like that?" It was all she could manage to ask.
"Because it's the truth." I replied lightly, downplaying my words on purpose.
"Callie -"
"She got furious, lost control even more when I asked for a divorce and then said she wouldn't give it to me, that if I really wanted a divorce I would have to give her half and beyond of everything that I have, she sounded so sure of herself, then she showed me a document signed by me, where I supposedly promised to never be unfaithful, if I did, she would keep half of my hotels, my money and everything I have worked so hard for."
"That's why she suggested the open marriage, didn't she?"
I nodded... how could I be so stupid. "Yes, apparently, she has been planning this from the beginning and everyone saw it, except for me and now she not only wants to keep what is mine, she wants to hurt me, that's why she wants the Hotel in Cartagena."
"Why is that exactly?" She asked and I could see the concern in her eyes, she was leaned towards me, close enough for me to see the freckles in her nose… Dios, I love her.
"Because of you."
Part 2 coming real soon
All mistakes are mine by the way